I can't take this anymore

[anonymous229]

I just don't have the energy for anything. Today has been cold, grey and miserable and there's nowhere to fucking go because everywhere is closed. Yes there's the local park but I've been there about 500 times since March and I'm bored sick of it.

How much longer can they keep us in this fucking awful state? I've had enough, I'm drained, I'm depressed as hell.

We've sacrificed so damn much for a virus that kills about 1% of people who catch it. I know that sounds callous but I'm facing the loss of my job (I'm self employed in events - ha!) and potentially my home because of this. The toll it's taken on my mental health is disastrous, but I feel like me and my family (and other families like us) are just collateral in all of this.

I know people will probably say things like we're lucky to be alive, but I don't feel lucky.

I can't live like this any longer.

I hear you OP. I was monumentally depressed while on mat leave and that was without lockdown and fear of losing my job to deal with. The whole thing is utterly shit. I feel lucky I'm a teacher and that I still go into work every day. If I was stuck at home I would be losing my mind.

@UniversalAunt

‘ My understanding is that new mother support groups are allowed to run.’

A group of 10 new mums convened in our local park for an open air socially distant meeting. A ring of buggies with a variety of toddlers siblings, wee babies & mums, all well wrapped up, sat in a large circle. Rugs & quilts laid out on the ground of inner circle.. Two facilitators getting the groove going. Looked like great fun.Very pleased to this happening.

Today the local pub opposite the park entrance was selling off-licence pints & litre containers of beer.At least a half dozen friend groups spread through the grounds having an outside beer. All very well behaved. Again, good to see people making the best of the restrictions.

I agree that it's much nicer to see these things than not, but I suspect that you've had a day of nice weather today - so have we, and actually I've had a lovely day because I was able to take my toddler for a long walk on the beach with my mum, which was bliss (though has left me feeling a little wistful). The thing is, though, at this time of year those days are few and far between, and more so in some parts of the country than others. I'm not sure how much good a support group is likely to be if it ends up being rained off three weeks in a row.

Can you not enjoy being indoors, cosy and warm? I don't 'get' the obsession with going out. Of course we need fresh air and a degree of exercise but it is lovely being indoors too, doing your own thing or doing nothing, sitting in your dressing gown all day if you want

Sitting in a dressing gown all day is one sure fire way of developing depression in my view!

It is not lovely being indoors for two weeks with a young baby. I am much more outdoorsy now than I was when ds was tiny but I used to go out every day even if it was just a short walk around the block.

As for the retraining, if you have any time OP you could look at Futurelearn as they have a variety of courses on there to help people develop digital skills and also for things like mental health. Also, is there any support you could get from a trade association in your sector?

@pontypridd

I feel the same. I’ve never felt beaten like this ever and yet had to deal with far worse.

I realise what normally keeps me going through grief and more - it’s being busy, getting out and about being with other people, talking etc

This has all been stripped away now. None of my coping mechanisms are left.

100% agree with you

I’ve had huge hardships in my life , loss , grief and I dealt with them really well.
No medication
No issues , good attitude to just get on and everything will get better

You have hit the nail on the head , it’s the loss of the support networks that is making it so hard.

@randomer

I think 'making the best of' has worn very thin.I dont want a litre of beer in a field or some ghastly ring of competitive mummies in a freezing quagmire

Absolutely.

Some twatty scientist suggested that we all have a picnic outdoors with our family instead of the traditional Christmas meal this year

@pontypridd

I feel the same. I’ve never felt beaten like this ever and yet had to deal with far worse.

I realise what normally keeps me going through grief and more - it’s being busy, getting out and about being with other people, talking etc

This has all been stripped away now. None of my coping mechanisms are left.

This is exactly my problem, too - I'm reasonably certain that I'm currently going into a spell of depression (possibly antenatal - I'm 28 weeks pregnant). It's not the first time, or the fifth, in my adult life but because of that I have good coping mechanisms, am good at spotting when I'm going into a bad patch and knowing how to mitigate it. The problem is that my coping mechanisms are getting out of the house more and seeing other people more (and intense exercise, which admittedly is off the cards because of bad SPD not lockdown). I'm really trying to put new coping mechanisms in place (I'm trying mindfulness even though I know from experience that I fucking hate it, for instance!) but as you say I feel like my means of coping are gone.

I was in Morrisons earlier today, and i noticed all the children's fabric face masks were half price. This is how confident retailers are that the vaccine will be effective, and the pandemic will end. Hang on in there !

@Threeforagirl what you say about your husband rings very true for me! I almost left DH during the first lockdown, for the first time ever I looked up what I’d be entitled to financially if I became a single parent. It was awful. I was crumbling, absolutely falling apart mentally and he just kept moaning about me “nagging” and “being miserable”. I ended up taking the kids one day while he was at work and going to my mum’s for a fortnight. We did work it out in the end but tbh I’ve still not forgotten the hurt of feeling so utterly alone and unsupported - I don’t think things will ever be quite how they were before. And my kids are older (7, 3 & 2 at the time), having such a little one must just exacerbate it all.

OP I really, really feel for you. You’re in a shit situation. I fucking hated lockdown, hated it so much. This one is much more bearable as I’m still working and my eldest 2 are at school so easier all round. I have so much sympathy for people who had a brief glimpse of real life, only for it all to be taken away again. Just awful. You have all my sympathies.
I can’t wait for this fucking shitshow of a year to be over - am clinging to hope that things will improve in 2021. And anyone who twats on about hot chocolate can just fuck off.

@jessstan1

I'm just sipping a mug of chocolate in front of the telly. Sheer bliss!

ODFOD

One of the only things that keeps me just about upright is getting dressed every day, even though there's nowhere to go and nobody to see. If I stayed in my dressing gown, I really would spiral into utter despair.

Agree with @pontypridd I have coped with some hideous things with reasonable equanimity. However, all these coping mechanisms, apart from exercise, involve "doing". They also involve other people. And I don't mean pouring my heart out to a friend: I mean daily, ordinary, constant contact with other people.

@Genevieva

Good post and I agree with you.

@mangomemory the travel ban is a charade. It is possible to take a flight right now, I have one friend currently on a trip in Croatia and another on a trip in Sweden.

Which makes the whole thing even more ridiculous, you're trying to lower cases but you're letting people in and out of the country as they please. Make it make sense!!!

Yes, exactly that.

The ordinary, everyday 'top ups' we would normally have with other people have been striped to the bone for most of us and are shrouded by social distancing.

I'm not saying that I think this was the wrong way to manage the pandemic, but rather that it's impossible to ignore the significant, detrimental effect that behaving like this for months has had on many people.

I feel very fortunate that my job is pretty safe but I really feel for people who are not in this situation so I hear you op. It's all our freedoms that have been taken off us which is so hard to deal with and with no real end in sight I can understand how this is affecting people's mental health..I have a child with ASD and I long to take him bowling or to the cinema all he wants to do is play his tablet when he is not at school..

[quote HumanFemale1]@mangomemory the travel ban is a charade. It is possible to take a flight right now, I have one friend currently on a trip in Croatia and another on a trip in Sweden.

Which makes the whole thing even more ridiculous, you're trying to lower cases but you're letting people in and out of the country as they please. Make it make sense!!![/quote]
Oh I didn't know that....wow. Thank you.

OP I am really sorry you are struggling so much, it is utterly shit. I am sick, and need a kidney transplant. I cannot imagine 2021 will be much better either for me but I hope it will for you!

I am quite a practical person, an obvious and very temporary solution would be to get some seasonal work if possible in a supermarket. Maybe around your DH’s work? It will give you a change of scene and hopefully stop money getting too low. Not suggesting a career change at all as hopefully your business will be back up and running soon, but enough to occupy your mind a bit for the next few months. This might then make being at home more bearable, which in turn might improve things with DH. Just a thought though and not taking away from the fact it is ok for you to think this is utter dogshit!!

I agree, @anonymous229

My partner is in the same industry as you (was...?)

I’m lucky that I’m a teacher so I’m being kept very busy but the first lockdown was utterly shit.

I hear you!

Cross posted with sandys- we both said “utterly shit” so it must be true! 😉

@SandysMam - good luck with the transplant. My FIL is waiting for one too 💐

OP I'm sorry you are feeling so shit. Please try and find a way to speak to a GP who you could be honest with and who will take you seriously. Antidepressants might help you to cope with this shitfest a bit better.

@jessstan1

I'm just sipping a mug of chocolate in front of the telly. Sheer bliss!

Rather be dancing

Op I’m so sad for you. You’ve an awful lot of worry and to have all this going on with a new baby to care for too.

I’m a nurse and I really can’t understand why that first lockdown was carried on so long. After the peak at Easter the London hospitals emptied out of Covid quickly enough. And yet it went on and on, destroying the economy and putting so many out of work unnecessarily. The economy and people’s mental health would probably have coped with a planned series of short lockdowns, but not this.

There are plenty in the health service who feel the same as me, but the media only televise the doom mongers. I haven’t lost my job but I’m not naive enough to think I won’t have another 10 years austerity pay freezes and constant productivity reviews, same as after the bankers crashed the economy.

It’s a fucking mental overreaction. We will look back and think we were stark raving bonkers.

I went a walk today in the pissing rain, met a friend kept walking till it stopped raining, got a takeaway coffee and roll when it was wet and hid in a shop door.

We had such a nice chat and a laugh though. It helps to get out and meet a pal.

Better days are ahead, I'm sure of it.

'There are plenty in the health service who feel the same as me, but the media only televise the doom mongers'

Must vary dramatically because the people I'm in touch with all say the same thing that there's massive pressure on respiratory and critical care, far more than 'winter bed pressures'. I dont know any doom mongers either.

Look, there's a vaccine on its way. The end is in sight. I'm sorry for anyone struggling financially but the rest who are moaning about social life restrictions and cafes/museums been shut it won't be for much longer!! Just keep your fingers crossed you or your loved ones don't get it.

@GetOffYourHighHorse

'There are plenty in the health service who feel the same as me, but the media only televise the doom mongers'

Must vary dramatically because the people I'm in touch with all say the same thing that there's massive pressure on respiratory and critical care, far more than 'winter bed pressures'. I dont know any doom mongers either.

Look, there's a vaccine on its way. The end is in sight. I'm sorry for anyone struggling financially but the rest who are moaning about social life restrictions and cafes/museums been shut it won't be for much longer!! Just keep your fingers crossed you or your loved ones don't get it.

What crap. Most people who get it are perfectly fine. A high percentage are asymptomatic.