How to people stay so calm?

[Chaosalloveragain]

I'm a mess. Really struggled during the lockdown. Wfh with dc and found it beyond horrible. Dh working long hours in a key worker role. Employer didn't give a shit but what could they do I suppose?

Things felt much better in July and August, but now everything is so, so very bleak again.

No family support, during the lockdown no one bothered with us, dcs grandparents didn't so much as ask about the dc.

I'm getting so depressed, anxious all the time, scared for the future and trying to keep my employer happy and care for the dc.

Mental health just doesn't seem to matter to anyone.

Some people just seem to be so normal and taking all of this in their stride.

You've just described my experience of the last 6 months. My anxiety has been through the roof this week.

If it helps, an awful lot of people feel exactly the same as you. You definitely aren't alone.

I don’t know, I just can’t seem to muster up the energy to get stressed.
I have been worried about my child’s lack of education but even that hasn’t been an unmanageable worry.
I just don’t feel anything really.

I have had a very different experience to you though op so I probably would be feeling it in your shoes.

I'm up and down but currently working on the basis that I deal with today and whatever that brings and I'll deal with tomorrow, tomorrow. Being able to compartmentalize like that means I don't feel too overwhelmed.

I hear you x

It's like living in two parallel universes where we're being scared shitless but expected to keep calm and carry on x

You're not alone.....

Even my most stoic friends are dealing with extreme emotions.....

- hang in there x

I was doing ok over the Summer but now the DC's are back in school I am really struggling to cope. I'm terrified we will get ill. I have an underlying condition and I'm convinced I'm going to die this Winter. Its just this endless creeping dread. You aren't alone OP. I wish I was one of the calm ones!

Thanks

It does help to know I'm not the only one. Other people just seem so calm and matter of fact about it all.

I'm so anxious I'm finding it hard to keep going because all I do is fret.

Because at the start of lockdown I was denying to myself that my lovely partner was turning yellow, then he turned really yellow and our battle to get him diagnosed began. We are several months down the line now, we know there is a tumour wrapped around his bile duct but we still don't know what that tumour is thanks to the incompetence of our local hospital. Every night I look at him sleep and repeat the mantra "Please don't die" over and over in my head.

I just focus on today and don't really think about what will happen going forward (except for DD's GCSE's next summer which I do worry about!). I figure things will work out eventually and me getting stressed won't help! Easier said than done I guess but I suffered terrible anxiety for 15 years and I got over it so nowadays I avoid stress as much as I can as I don't want to go back to bad mental health!

I've had my antidepressants increased to a point where I just exist on autopilot. It's that or I'll shutdown completely. No way to live but what are the alternatives?

@bloodywhitecat I was reading your thread last night and wondered how you and your DH were xx

I think you may be mistaking calm for resigned in a fair few cases. Have you read ‘we’re going on a bear hunt’? Can’t go over it, can’t go under it, can’t go round it - we’ll have to go through it.

Please take any and all help your GP/NHS might be able to offer. It’s far from perfect or ideal but it might help. I would also suggest looking into ways to help you independently. Research parenting techniques that might make managing the dc easier and give you some ideas, research self-help techniques. Try not to get sucked into endlessly reading the news.

Make you and your mind your full time job and keep it as safe and as healthy as you can.

I felt almost broken by the first lockdown. Particularly trying to work while home educating my children.

Over the summer, I felt more myself. Now, I can feel my fear and stress creeping up again.

You're not alone

Because this situation is out of my control and I don't bother stressing about things that I can't control.

Much of my anxiety stemmed from feeling overwhelming responsibility for things that were nothing to do with me! However, this situation seems so far beyond anything I could control that I have detached from it. I have worked throughout and my mental health is probably better than it was this time last year. It’s made me realise I actually have no control and that has been quite liberating. I will admit to worrying over the dcs exams, but they remind me that everyone is in the same position.
Hope you feel better soon OP.

People present their best self to the world. So you wont see their worries. Im very concerned about redundancy for my DH and family but people wouldnt know that chatting to me.

@OldQueen1969

I hear you x

It's like living in two parallel universes where we're being scared shitless but expected to keep calm and carry on x

You're not alone.....

Even my most stoic friends are dealing with extreme emotions.....

- hang in there x

Your post reminded me of this. It’s a common feeling at the moment.

Have you ever looked into mindfulness? Don't get me wrong, I've been finding this pandemic extremely hard, but I did an online course in mindfulness and it has definitely given me tools to cope with the worst of my anxiety. It very much trains you to focus on the present and deal with that, and to spot worrying thoughts as they come up and recognise them for what they are (thoughts, not facts). You learn to view worries as turbulent weather which passes.

Reading a book on it or doing a course in it might well take the edge off the fear for you. And mental health does matter to me. I hear you and I care that you're struggling, even if you're a stranger on the internet. You matter. You've done really well to get yourself this far.

@bloodywhitecat What an awful situation to be in. Really hope your DP gets some competent care soon, and is able to start treatment

By spending every available moment lying under a weighted blanket in the dark listening to music on my headphone-headband thing and being dosed up to my eyeballs on whatever I can persuade the GP to prescribe.

It's fucking grim but from the outside I look like I've got my shit together.

I just assume the calm people are freaking out on the inside!

I watched over my child in NICU, me and my DH and all the other parents were perfectly reasonable, polite, normal. Inside we were all just freaking out.

Never judge your insides against someone else's outsides.

You're not alone. I spend most of the day worrying and sometimes in tears. I have a vulnerable DC and I'm expected to send her to school but I'm terrified of something happening to her (or to any of our family). I'm equally devastated about the idea of stopping my DCs going when they love it so much. I don't think it's safe but everyone around me thinks it is. This makes me question whether I am possibly not thinking clearly and maybe it's just me. Which adds to the anxiety. I just go round and round in circles. Constantly stressed.

So sorry to all the other people who are struggling too.

Some people do a good act of being calm. Some people genuinely aren't stressed by it (either already had it or aren't worried because they're in a low risk category). Some people had a relaxing lockdown in a nice house with no family problems and no financial worries. Doesn't mean they aren't aware that it's been very hard for many people though.

The only people I know who aren't stressed with this are mums with teenagers that don't work.

Everyone else stressed to the hilt.

I am firmly focussing on Spring & how lovely that's going to be 🌼

But I'm also trying to do/make/get nice things for the Autumn /Winter. Reading some of the 'nice' threads on here has helped a bit too

Being Diabetic I cant join in with any of the enjoyable food/treats threads-sadly & I don't do 'beauty products' so that counts out most advent calendars for example.

Making the most of things helps too - so not feeling sad about what you can't do for Bonfire Night/Christmas etc, but planning for the best Bonfire Night/Christmas you can have.

I'm vulnerable, so it's very scary, but I'm
just trying not to focus on that, other than taking as many precautions as I can.

There was a lovely thread today about someone taking up
Cross stitch & people were just being nice &
Posting pictures of what they'd done. So ok it's not everyone's thing, but posting about something that IS your thing, might find you some likeminded people to chat to.

Is there anything that you can think of that would make this a bit better for you?