How to people stay so calm?

[Chaosalloveragain]

I'm a mess. Really struggled during the lockdown. Wfh with dc and found it beyond horrible. Dh working long hours in a key worker role. Employer didn't give a shit but what could they do I suppose?

Things felt much better in July and August, but now everything is so, so very bleak again.

No family support, during the lockdown no one bothered with us, dcs grandparents didn't so much as ask about the dc.

I'm getting so depressed, anxious all the time, scared for the future and trying to keep my employer happy and care for the dc.

Mental health just doesn't seem to matter to anyone.

Some people just seem to be so normal and taking all of this in their stride.

@mimble sorry about your positive result. Out of interest what are your symptoms? I agree with your outlook completely.

My DM quoted this often:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I choose to remember it with ‘God’ removed-still works.

@Benjispruce2

The serenity prayer is stoicism, summarised ;-) I love it.

Symptoms: sore head and throat, Slightly blocked nose, upset stomach. Starting to feel like I’ve got a proper head cold now. But no fever / cough / respiratory distress. The colleague I caught it from has all the classic symptoms though: bizarre how variable the virus is from person to person.

Because I’m at work from 7:30-6 and then I have about two hours of down time in the evening before I go to bed. I work so much that I can’t even think about it and that suits me.

Oh and mindfulness!

Its a nightmare but one day at a time. I'm just doing my bit for the good of everyone i think. Stressed....but who isn't.

Honestly I not worried at all, there's so at things I life that can hurt or kill you and you will just waste your life if you dwell on the negative, you can literally drown in your own misery.

I ensure I practise gratitude and look for positives daily. I ensure I'm healthy and fit as our my family. I worry about the things I can change and still enjoy life. I am still training daily in the sport I adore

I lead by example to my kid's - I don't want to poison them with fear and negativity

I’m not especially stressed by it but that is likely due to the fact it isn’t affecting me so much. I am at slightly increased risk but we don’t have children, we are able to hold up at home is relative comfort, DHs job is secure at present, have food delivery sorted, enough money etc. My parents are late 60s so at higher risk but they are taking care and hopefully won’t get it but my in-laws are not following are of the advice, are 70s and mixing with lots of people so I am concerned about them.

Aside from that I do find my husband working from home a bit of an inconvenience as it disrupts my routines and my alone time (I’ve always worked at home and normally have 50 hours a week alone).

All in all nothing to complain about. My friends are struggling with very young children, delayed IVF treatments, job loss. One friend’s husband walked out on her last Christmas and she had to deal with it all mostly alone. I’ve been trying to support them as much as possible but it’s hard under the restrictions (I’m in a local lockdown area). I realise I have it very easy and totally appreciate many have it much much harder.

I am not stressed by it, either outwardly or in private. I've never felt too worried about it on a personal level. We're lucky that it hasn't affected our family much at all and we are close to being back to normal, have had holidays, gone to indoor attractions, used public transport. Our social lives/going out in the evenings have been curtailed for years anyway due to young dc, and none of us are very sociable, so not much has changed there. I have a toddler but I'm a sahm so I haven't had to juggle the demands of work as well. DH is in secure, well paid work and he can wfh, we're mortgage-free and I have other unearned income so we're financially secure.

Fortunately we're low risk and most of my family are too (my parents are mid 60s so more at risk, but they are being very careful). My dc aren't affected by it mentally - older teen is an introvert and enjoys his own company, and toddler dd has enjoyed the walks and socially distanced activities, and has started at nursery now so she's getting play and interaction.

I’d have thought all Mums of teens would be very worried.

I'm not. I have a dd in Year 11. Maybe the exams will go ahead, maybe they'll get predicted grades. Dd hopes the latter so that she doesn't have to take the exams! Either way, as long as she keeps working to the best of her ability (at school or through distance learning if schools close again), she'll be fine. As will ds in year 8.

I know it's harder for some than others and my heart goes out to people having it tough and worried about their teens, but it's really not the case that most parents of teens should be panicking imo.

Thank you for all of the supportive posts.

I probably should have been clearer (for those who have said I have no resilience).

I'm not overly concerned about getting sick or even the restrictions, yes it's shit but I can cope with a change of lifestyle in the hope that eventually we'll all be out of this mess.

I'm concerned that if schools close again I won't be able to work. We've been told we can't wfh anymore. Even if we could I can't work and home educate young children. My job requires concentration and the dc need hands on care and attention. The only way to manage this is to stick the dc in front of the tv. Last time this happened my dcs and my well-being went to shit.

People are calm and people aren't calm. No right or wrong. If you struggle then that's as valid as the fact that I'm not fussed at all by it. Everyone has their own thought processes. I've had things that are for me much worse than covid happen in my life which affects how I think. So no I don't care one iota (although I don't want my kids missing school) but that doesn't mean you're wrong thinking differently

Unfortunately grandparents won't help us at all. Don't want to go into too much detail but one side can't, other side won't. They don't even see us. We haven't seen anyone since the lockdown apart from a few friends. We're completely self reliant.

It upsets me when people say things like "ask yourself why you don't like having your dc at home".

What a stupid thing to say. You can't work all day in a job that's busy and an ever increasing workload, and care for and educate young children.

I try not to worry about things I can't change, but if I lose my job I will have reason to worry.

It upsets me when people say things like "ask yourself why you don't like having your dc at home

Don’t pay them any attention. No one had dc in the last five decades expecting to spend six months+ restricted and isolated with them. It’s bloody hard.

I bore dd and she bores me. It happens, she’s 4 and our interests don’t really have much cross over. I didn’t have a baby I had a child to raise as her own person and create a family. Dc (over the age of about 2) need their own little worlds to explore and grow as much as we need time to feel like us. It’s not natural to have the kind of set up we have had but it is necessary.

Hats off to anyone who has genuinely enjoyed it warts and all but that’s definitely not the universal experience and you really shouldn’t beat yourself up over it. Do what you can without completely draining the little reserves you have left.

It upsets me when people say things like "ask yourself why you don't like having your dc at home".

Don’t be upset. These people are twats. Somehow make themselves feel better by making other people feel like shit.

@Cornettoninja thanks.

I'm not ignoring all the kind and supportive posts I have read them, and to those who are feeling the same for whatever reason.

But it's exactly posts like that are what I mean, total lack of empathy for other peoples circumstances.

I had a relative ask me during the lockdown why I wasn't enjoying the rest. She was off work on full pay, furlough topped up, in a secure job, no mortgage, a husband working from home and enjoying long lunches together in the garden, grown up dc who were visiting even throughout the height of the restrictions.

But couldn't understand why I wasn't enjoying myself as much as she was.

Not to slag off your relative but they sound very socially stunted.

Of the people I know some have had a lovely time, some have had truly awful times with most somewhere in the middle. I know enough to tailor my conversation to which ever circumstance I find myself talking about. But that’s rife throughout life normally I’ve found. Knowing your audience is a dying skill

I've always assumed the worst... my catchphrase is "tragedy waits around every corner!", which causes much eyerollling in the house when I trot it out daily! But I truly believe it - something horrible could happen to any of us any day, and I presume it will at some point. But I'm not remotely depressed about that - this attitude actually makes me relaxed, happy, and really enjoy life. So the situation right now is fine, as I never really expect things to be any different.

I'm not saying everyone has to be thrilled to home educate, but I would say it actually is natural to have your kids around you, school is relatively new. But we are of course used to school and have a life built in the way it is.

But it's clearly not unnatural to be around your children.

What is unnatural is trying to do that in isolated nuclear units, whilst also trying to do a modern job!

To a point @RepeatSwan but past a certain age children need more people. If you take the example of a remote Amazon tribe, past toddler age they’re off mingling but under watch from adults. And the adults are doing whatever adults need to do.

I would argue that’s a natural state of being. We’re pack animals and need interaction with a pack even if our focus is on our primary carers.

@Cornettoninja

To a point *@RepeatSwan* but past a certain age children need more people. If you take the example of a remote Amazon tribe, past toddler age they’re off mingling but under watch from adults. And the adults are doing whatever adults need to do.

I would argue that’s a natural state of being. We’re pack animals and need interaction with a pack even if our focus is on our primary carers.

But not mingling with other adults without their parents. Their own parents would be there, so a group.of adults with a group.of children.

Yup, and we try and replicate that within our society with nurseries, preschool, school etc which isn’t perfect but does allow for social connections in loosely similar circumstances.

It’s not natural for children and their parents to only interact with each other for months on end with very limited interactions outside of that and unsurprising that it’s taking it’s toll on people and they’re not particularly enjoying it.

@Cornettoninja

Yup, and we try and replicate that within our society with nurseries, preschool, school etc which isn’t perfect but does allow for social connections in loosely similar circumstances.

It’s not natural for children and their parents to only interact with each other for months on end with very limited interactions outside of that and unsurprising that it’s taking it’s toll on people and they’re not particularly enjoying it.

That's not what we're replicating! My children go too, but that is a very cutesy explanation. Nursery is so people can work in the modern workplace.

I think what we did in lockdown is not at all natural as I said, as we were isolated in our nuclear units.

I think what we did in lockdown is not at all natural as I said, as we were isolated in our nuclear units.

I agree with this. My DC is a toddler and when I was on maternity leave I was having the “it takes a village” stuff stressed to me, the importance of support and friends and family. The past 6 months it’s been “well if you didn’t want to look after your children you shouldn’t have had them”/“why don’t you want your kids around” etc.