How to people stay so calm?

[Chaosalloveragain]

I'm a mess. Really struggled during the lockdown. Wfh with dc and found it beyond horrible. Dh working long hours in a key worker role. Employer didn't give a shit but what could they do I suppose?

Things felt much better in July and August, but now everything is so, so very bleak again.

No family support, during the lockdown no one bothered with us, dcs grandparents didn't so much as ask about the dc.

I'm getting so depressed, anxious all the time, scared for the future and trying to keep my employer happy and care for the dc.

Mental health just doesn't seem to matter to anyone.

Some people just seem to be so normal and taking all of this in their stride.

It just hasn’t really stressed me out.
Been WFH and juggling childcare and schooling, but would say overall it has been better than the tedium of going into the office.
Obviously I’m concerned at the loss of life, people losing their jobs and the economic impact, but lockdown just didn’t really bother me much.
I’m pretty positive a vaccine will happen in the next 6 months as well.

I think everyone feels powerless. All we can do is hunker down and hope we all get through this unscathed. I also think we all try to pretend everything is ok.

I’ve not felt stressed apart from about my children’s education.. but then I’m lucky to still have a job and get paid.
Don’t get me wrong, I can feel fed up about it but I focus very much on what I can find that is joyful.. simple days out with DC, reading a book, thinking of the things we’ll do when it’s over. I also very much believe that things WILL be much improved by the spring.

Look on it this way.

It's shit.

Utterly shit.

But does pretending it's not happening, panicking, depression, anxiety, anger or any other intense emotion actually help you? It doesn't. It can't fix it, it can't turn the clock back, it can't turn it forward.

You need to focus on getting through the days. Do what has to be done - masks, washing hands (buy hand cream), get into the routine of phone, cards, keys, bag, mask and try not to think too much about what is lost, what could be lost and when this will all blow over, what's going to be left.

Try and get decent quality sleep and food. Try and make time for exercise, daylight, fresh air and time when you can just be still, even if it's a bath at night with all the lights turned off and a nicely scented bubble bath - I like ones with mandarin/orange scents in them.

If your basic physical needs and some physical comforts are taken care of, it gives you just that little bit extra with which to batter on through another day.

And avoid all briefings. They just drive everybody to hurling insults at the telly. Look up the facts/outcomes afterwards, before seeing angry people's opinions on them, and then with luck, you can roll your eyes, take a deep breath and get on with everything you still need to do and whatever you can do that gives you comfort, pleasure or joy.

Inside I feel I cant cope if/when the schools shut and juggling wfh and schoolwork as dc need support and elderly parents and vulnerable family members. It was bad enough last time and the weather was good.

I cant dwell on it too much as forefront in my mind is moving home which is dragging out but should be in next three weeks .

I actually feel relived though to be wfh again. Only went back to office for two weeks.

What the fuck is normal because I am sure I am and I know I am bonkers

I don't have children, don't have financial worries, am not in any of the vulnerable categories, and don't find the restrictions all that impactful as I don't spend any time with family anyway, so the only thing I've really experienced as a result of the pandemic is reduced anxiety when outside because of the lower numbers of people on the streets and fewer people on buses and in shops etc.

I completely understand why it's extremely difficult for other people in other circumstances though, so I'd imagine the people you perceive to be taking it all in their stride are either those who it doesn't really affect, like me, or people who are being impacted by it but do a good job of either masking or refusing to admit they are struggling.

It's so tough.

The first lockdown was defined my dad simultaneously being declared terminally ill and trying to come to terms with that, take on caring responsibilities, support my mum and manage wfh full time.

Gearing up for round two...dad still hanging in there but I'm back at work ft and DD is in Year 11 and a walking ball of stress.

For me, it's manageable...I like my own space and company, most of my social life is online, but the worry about those closest to me falling apart is pretty grim

@Beebityboo

I was doing ok over the Summer but now the DC's are back in school I am really struggling to cope. I'm terrified we will get ill. I have an underlying condition and I'm convinced I'm going to die this Winter. Its just this endless creeping dread. You aren't alone OP. I wish I was one of the calm ones!

I am this. We don’t have underlying health issues but are a BAME family and fit into the age group of women who are being hospitalised.

I feel that I might not survive this winter as well

I’m similar to @Titsywoo, taking it one day at a time and trying not to be anxious. Our schools are closed ( in the US) and it’s awful balancing work with making sure the DC are keeping up. DD’s doing OK, DS not so much. He’s not quite mature enough to keep on top of everything and constantly wants my help and/or whines about things!

My usually placid DH is grumpy and we can’t seem to keep food in the house as it gets scoffed immediately 🤣 But we’ve just got to keep going and get through this. Not much choice really.

Well I cannot bear living in that extreme anxiety driven mode, especially when it achieves absolutely nothing and makes zero difference to outcomes. I just do not want to live that way. I do get anxious (literally everyone does sometimes), but I tend to channel that energy into useful activity initially then let go cognitively and slowly wind my body down.

Plus I've got cancer, so I've got a much more present existential threat to deal with than Covid, even with the need to shield and falling into the extremely vulnerable category due to chemo. But even that, I had emotional turmoil initially but now its settled. I just cannot sustain that level of high emotional arousal. I have actually looked at my treatment period and sick leave as a time of opportunity. Im crocheting a massive blanket - I would never normally commit to such a massive project as no time. I am doing a future learn course. Spending time with the kids. I basically am determined not to waste my time and my life with worry, I'm going to get on and do the stuff I want to do. Life is short (as cancer teaches). I am not prepared to waste it on worry, I am going to find a way to enjoy it, despite the shit that is going on. Without falling into total super positivity (falseness) and concomitant avoidance and denial (ie the opposite of the super anxious and paranoid position) I always look for the silver linings. There is usually some somewhere.

And trying not to worry about elderly parents who are vulnerable health-wise. Luckily they’re being sensible as U til there’s a vaccine, there’s nothing they can do except be very careful.

I’m one of those calm people. If it had happened a few years ago I would have been a lot more stressed, I suffer with anxiety but over the past 2 years have learnt to deal with things much better.

I guess I’m trying to focus on the positives, I know there are not many but there are some, home schooling was really hard but I got to spend more time with my dc’s and we did lots of amazing things, I am also very pleased they are now back at school. I’m pleased we didn’t have a hard lockdown like Italy or Spain, I’m lucky that I haven’t lost any family members to covid. I have learnt new skills, I cook more, read more and have new hobbies. I try and focus on these things.

The only thing that makes me anxious is the not knowing what will happen in the coming weeks/months but I’m trying not to look that far ahead. I know I will cope with what ever else is chucked my way because I have no choice. I have to stay calm for my kids (both autistic) so we just try and make the most of a bad situation.

I lost my Dad at the end of April to a long battle with Cancer. He was admitted to a hospice the day before lockdown. I think that consumed my time and I didn't have the head space to deal with anything else.

I moved house after he died, that kept me occupied. No children. I'm furloughed until 31st October and haven't worked since mid-March. I admit that I am beginning to feel anxious about my job security (travel industry) I've no idea what's happening come 1st November.

I'm a planner, so I'm trying to plan for a lockdown type eventuality- I've drawn up a hypothetical schedule for my toddler (we are in a garden-less flat, so keeping him occupied is difficult). I've made pre order shopping lists & come up with rough meal plans so we can shift to online shopping if we need to. I've bought some good cook books, so we can substitute meals out with special meals at home.

I've got little 'going out packs' - hand sanitiser, wipes, masks. I'm also making sure DH and I are as rested as possible & taking vit D & C every day. I've got a few 'treats' in - hair masks, moisturiser - to punctuate any period if isolation with things to look forward to.

It all sounds trivial & silly, but feeling in some way prepared helps keep me calm.

Oh and Sertraline if things get desperate!

I think, for some, lockdown didn't really change much for them.
For me, I didn't have much of a social life before lockdown and I still went to work throughout. My DD was home for a fair part of it (I didn't bother with much homeschooling aside from reading and some maths) and then she attended school under the keyworker scheme. We live in a small one bedroom flat, btw, if relevant, and we very occasionally went for walks after dark.
People have had very different and disparate experiences of lockdown.

I was initially very stressed during lockdown juggling children and work, worrying about the state of the house, food etc not being able to plan ahead or control anything. I think I have adjusted mentally now- living much more day to day and trying to make the most of each day as there is no point planning ahead at the moment. I have simplified a lot- simpler meals/less activities/things on our schedule. I am now just trying to make the most of what we do have, nice sunny days etc., nice bath/hot chocolate/good book etc./ online concerts. I think I was previously very stressed and worried about Covid and Brexit, but there isn’t much I can personally do now other than follow guidelines and limit social contacts and keep my head down and eat well/take extra vitamins. So I think I am a lot calmer and if all Dcs end up at home again I am just not going to worry about their education nor being perfect at my work, I can’t do all of it and the main thing is to stay healthy and perhaps help a friend or two who is struggling, even if it is just calling them etc./dropping off food.

@Dazedandconfused28, your planning sounds great!

I have this site on my work laptop - it’s a pleasant reminder that we are 1 day closer to spring.

I use this way before COVID as I hate winter

days.to/spring/2021

@Dazedandconfused28 ha! I just came on to say sertraline in my case, just based on the thread title alone. But yes, I appear very calm and generally positive apparently. It’s sertraline (plus self care, regular cardio, yoga etc)

Probably on the outside I seem ok. I wear my mask, I go to work, I come home again. Each day is the same. I just keep carrying on. Literally my only aim is getting successfully through the day. I work in a secondary school and am resigned to catching the virus in that environment.

Inside, I pray that it won't affect me or our household much as I've seen it affect a friend quite badly long-term. I pray that I don't pass it on to my vulnerable parents and kill them. I feel desperately sad that my parents are probably living the last active few years of their lives shielding at home and not going on lovely trips away or having big family get togethers as they were before.

I feel terribly worried for my Year 10 & 12 children (I can't understand the poster who said the only people she knows who seem ok are SAHM with teenagers). University, jobs market, housing etc will all look so different. Their lives will most likely be so different from mine.

I worry that if I were made redundant (a distinct possibility if more school funding cuts came in) that I would never get another job (also a distinct possibility given that furlough is ending soon and many people much younger than me will also be looking for jobs.

I worry that if that happened then DH would be the main earner, and what would then happen if HE got COVID badly, or some other illness or worse - would we be left destitute?

All this goes on quietly right at the back of my brain during the day. I think it comes out during my sleep at night. DH says I seem to half wake up, start doing a worried rambling noise and sometimes shouting in panic, and rushing out of bed.

No-one would guess at any of this from how I appear to the outside. There is a lot of gallows style humour going on, believe me.

That said, I do tell myself to get some perspective. This is not one of the World Wars. We are not waving sons and husbands off to almost certainly die in the trenches, with the thought that maybe we'll be bombed in the night, or have the country invaded by a foreign madman. We are not in a refugee camp starving and hopeless. This really ISN'T a zombie movie or some other dystopian work of fiction. The planet isn't about to get destroyed by a meteor.

Yes, there is uncertainty at the moment. Times 10. Yes, there are restrictions on our lives and not much to enjoy at the moment. But it is TEMPORARY. Keep that in your thoughts. The economy will recover. The kids are more resilient than you think, and won't know any different!

Take pleasure from the little things. This evening as I was putting the shopping in the car at Tesco, I noticed there was an amazing and unusual sunset. It looked biblical and golden. It sounds trite. I'm not religious at all. But it looked so special, like how I'd imagine if heaven existed and let a chink through the clouds shine through. It did give me pleasure.

So did the glass of wine that I had soon after . Probably not good to rely on that too often though!!

I feel you OP!! I feel like we were ok until about June. After that I've really struggled. To the point where I don't think I can obey any new lockdowns should they be imposed.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

I don't have children, don't have financial worries, am not in any of the vulnerable categories, and don't find the restrictions all that impactful as I don't spend any time with family anyway, so the only thing I've really experienced as a result of the pandemic is reduced anxiety when outside because of the lower numbers of people on the streets and fewer people on buses and in shops etc.

I completely understand why it's extremely difficult for other people in other circumstances though, so I'd imagine the people you perceive to be taking it all in their stride are either those who it doesn't really affect, like me, or people who are being impacted by it but do a good job of either masking or refusing to admit they are struggling.

This is me - I actually feel less stressed because it’s so out of my control

One day at a time. You just have to get through until bedtime. If you can, try to do something for you each day. Even if it's just an indulgent bath or an episode of something or 10 mins of deep breathing. This wont be for ever and you are definitely not the only one feeling like this.