How to people stay so calm?

[Chaosalloveragain]

I'm a mess. Really struggled during the lockdown. Wfh with dc and found it beyond horrible. Dh working long hours in a key worker role. Employer didn't give a shit but what could they do I suppose?

Things felt much better in July and August, but now everything is so, so very bleak again.

No family support, during the lockdown no one bothered with us, dcs grandparents didn't so much as ask about the dc.

I'm getting so depressed, anxious all the time, scared for the future and trying to keep my employer happy and care for the dc.

Mental health just doesn't seem to matter to anyone.

Some people just seem to be so normal and taking all of this in their stride.

It might be natural to have our kids with us but it is certainly not natural or sustainable to have to work a full time job, homeschool our children and look after pre-schoolers simultaneously. That is beyond the capacities of so many working parents and I don't think I would cope if we had to do it all again. I spent lockdown doing a half-arsed attempt and 3 full time roles and it took me to the brink of a breakdown. The intensity of it is unreal and I am so scared of going through it again.

The only people I know who aren't stressed with this are mums with teenagers that don't work.

Everyone else stressed to the hilt.

Rubbish, I fall into your category and worried to bits about what will happen to my teenagers jobs wise etc. Not to mention massive concern over the whole country/world and how this is affecting the whole global collective.

I am trying hard to be calm. I have always been a worrier but, honestly, what is the point in worrying when it just doesn't change anything?

I just feel sad really. Sad for youngsters especially if this is going to be normal. Sad for people who have lost or will lose their jobs, sad for people who have lost or will lose their homes. Sad for the future of cinema, theatre, music etc.

I am so glad I do not have children as that would make me worry. I am retired so no job to worry about. DH is self employed but is lucky that he has loads of work.

I am mid 60's and if I am going to die of the virus then so be it.

We shouldn't play stress one-upmanship, it's been awful all round really, bar the rich with no vulnerable loved ones. But they presumably do care about others and the general state of things.

I have been told we are lucky to have so much more time... because dh has no work! FFS.

I try to ignore it as best I can (obviously not doing too well today coming on this board). It got to a point in April or something where I was giving it so much headspace that I could barely think about anything else and I was getting nightmares, but I don't monitor data or updates anymore and honestly don't really keep up to date with the news. I've gone for the burying head in sand approach and I know some people would look down on me for that, but I don't care, I feel much better. (Disclaimer: I do follow public health guidelines up to the point which is required by law so obviously I'm not fully pretending it's not happening.)

But if my kids are sent home from nursery again and I have to work from home with them in the house again I think I will cry. I can do this as long as my children can go to nursery.

Absolutely understand OP. I ended up starting a thread on MH board this week as the anxiety/depression is ramping up yet again. I finally had therapy yesterday after a break and I almost wish I hadn’t as now I miss it

@miimblemomble the reason I asked about your symptoms is that I’m just getting over a cold. Symptoms were sore throat, sneezing, nasal congestion, headache. Didn’t get a test as none of the three symptoms. Were you tested through work?

I didn’t realise your issue was much more focused and not a general anxiety driven post. So I’m sorry my long ramble was not particularly useful.

Of course your worry is a real one. It’s one worth exploring options for, as meager as they are, so that when/if things change you can act faster. But as others have pointed out, worrying itself does nothing to improve your situation. So indulging that, rather than planning, is of no use to you. When it happens tell yourself to stop, that you’ll think about it for 20 minutes at X time and turn your focus to something else. It’s the sort of think that takes some practice to get good at but it helps contain he anxiety over a possible, imminent turn for the worse and frees you up to enjoy the good things that are happening now.

Do still plan, though. If you have no real options for childcare and your company will not let you work from home or take your kids into the office, you may have to take leave without pay/lose your job. That’s a concrete thing you can plan around - are there options for doing contract work from home? Would it be better financially if DH stayed home and you went in? Could you or DH try and get another job with better policies? It will mean sticking your kids in front of the TV, which is not good but will it see you through? If not, what are your options without your income? Should you be thinking about selling your home sooner rather than later? Etc.

These aren’t nice things to think about but they are ones that will give you concrete plans of action for likely scenarios and you can come to terms with them. E..g.: Sell the house and move Somewhere cheaper. Keep the house and use up equity to see you through a year or so until childcare is sorted out. These aren’t good options but they take the uncertainty out and help you focus on how to make the best of them instead of simply worrying about what you might lose, understand it, come to terms with it and focus on the positive.

I don’t want this to sound Pollyanna-ish but you asked about how people stay calm. We’re in a similar situation with our main income under threat and this is how I do it. I’m also planning for the optimistic outcome where I manage to pick up a well paying wfh job in the area I qualified in just as the pandemic hit. Less likely than losing our main income, but the planning is more enjoyable!

@Benjispruce2

Sorry for the hijack op

I was tested because my colleague at work tested positive (he had normal symptoms) and I was identified as a contact, so had to test 7 days after contact with him (in France this is the process) I totally expected my test to be negative, as no fever etc and to my shock it was positive. If I hadn’t had known contact, I would have just thought it was a usual back to school cold.

So confusing!

Thanks @miimblemomble. Sorry OP.

It upsets me when people say things like "ask yourself why you don't like having your dc at home".

As my 6 year old wisely said to me after calming down after a tantrum during the lockdown
"you know mummy, its just not good if two people have to spend all their time together. They get fed up of each other and then they get cross".
He is a wise child. Its not natural for children to just spend time with their parents - as much as parents need to work and have downtime, children also need to play with their friends etc