To educate or to orphan a child

[herecomesthsun]

I was released from shielding yesterday. I am well aware that if I get this infection I may well become very unwell (I have a lung process in some ways like cystic fibrosis. I am very well in myself most of the time, but can get very ill with pneumonia and excess mucus production, and have needed to be on a nebuliser in the past).

I have DC1 in primary school (small village school) and DC2 in KS3 of a very good selective secondary school (much bigger and in a local city, so riskier).

DC2 is very worried about me getting ill with the return to school.

3 of my grandparents died when their own children were very young. I know the effect this can have and I think this is worse than being out of education for a few months.

We have been able to educate our children fairly well at home,but I do not want DC2 especially to lose that school place (which was very well earned by competitive exam).

The alternative would be quite risky and it would be hard enough to have family illness without a young person feeling that they had been the main risk factor.

I think that the government plans are going to leave some families to be bereaved in this way, inevitably.The priorities are keeping hospitality going- because it is business - and then keeping the schools going - so people can get back to work - but bereavements are going to create longstanding problems for societies in themselves.

We have increasing numbers of older parents these days and there are children going home to parents over 50 and/or with health conditions which, even if they are not significant in the usual run of things,could cause a lot of problems with covid.

For us, shielding and return to school are not separate issues, as our one household needs to do both.

I would certainly not want to compromise my children´s education. I see their lives as more important than mine and I think that given the choice I would probably make a choice in favour of them.

However, as regards my own parents, the loss of one or both parents in itself led to educational choices being greatly curtailed. My mother went to work as a a teenager rather than going on to college to be a teacher, my father did not fulfil his academic promise.

I think the best chance for my own childrenś education prospects is to try and hang around as long as I possibly can.

So would it be selfish to keep them off from school for the next couple of terms, when there are effectively 2 parents available who can educate them (semi-retired)?

Would it be reasonable for starters to keep them off for the first month to see how things go and cite family vulnerability?

What do you think?

I am thinking that we need to have till next year to see what will happen, so maybe a couple of terms. I think we will have a very chaotic time in the autumn and winter and there will in any case be a lot of kids off and schools will need to cater for that, so we def won´t be the only people.

I cant see why we should deregister for the sake of 2 terms, when I am sure a load of other kids will be off and we very much want our son in school for socialisation etc.after that.

I have considered a caravan on the drive,but DH thinks it would be very cold and I shouldnt do that. Also the kids would not like me living separately. We will be considering the Rishi/ Boris home improvement ideas, if possible, which might help but would take time.

If this helps at all- I too have lung disease and did get COVID. Before I had it I was terrified but actually I think my meds (which include a fairly powerful steroid inhaler) carried me through ok .

Hi again @herecomesthesun! Just popping on to support you again. (I replied btw).

Expecting you to isolate from your children in your own home for months is inhuman. People are being cold and unkind.

I don't trust myself to post much atm as I find the attitude to shielders from some on here genuinely horrifying: and I don't use that word lightly.

Solidarity sick sisters 💪

@AldiAisleofCrap

Plus if you ensure that your children take measures outside the hone and do things like change clothes and wash hands before coming into contact with you you should be ok. That is really naive, Covid19 is rarely spread via clothes touch, and nearly always spread in the air. *@anothermansmother* Also are you shielding?

Exactly. No amount of hand washing or changing clothes stops the airbourne transmission.

If it were so easily picked up from surfaces, the case numbers would be way higher from all those not washing shopping, eating out etc where others have touched objects.

@AldiAisleofCrap I was asked if I wanted to take part in the trial.

I think you've got to be realistic with shielding a whole family for what your now saying could be up to a year. Also schools can't hold places open for a child for two terms when there will be others waiting for a place.

I help take care of my grandmother ( who is nearly 90) with lots of underlying health conditions, especially respiratory ones. She is now going out again and more family are visiting etc. Like she pointed out it's no life just stuck inside.

So

• there will be lots of others in the same situation. Come lockdown, I was aware that other kids were being pulled out before the official lockdown. We have a good attendance record so far, too.

• I am sure that schools will be shut officially once the infection starts to get hold. I think we need to avoid being part of the initial infection surge, because after that the schools will either have to provide online learning or will be putting better measures in place or both.

• Iḿ quite happy having conversations about this because this is a real issue that will affect a lot of people, and a parenting forum is a good place to have it. Also,Iḿ quite fairly robust from a point of view of arguments.

• I actually care enormously about my kids'education.

_ I think some of the acrimony might be because other people feel worried about sending their children back in a pandemic with very little social distancing but feel practically and economically they have no choice. I think we should be discussing what choices we have as a society and how we can make more choice happen.

• Also people are saying on this board that September is a great time for kids to go back. Because numbers have got lower. Well, of course numbers -will- can rise, and rise quickly, given the right circumstances. There could -will- be a huge creep up from the beginning of September to the end of September, increasing till January.

If other people feel they want their children in school in this situation that is their choice. I think it is reasonable to suggest an alternative, in the winter to come,and it will make other peopleś kids safer too.

In fact, my DCś school has too many in the year, so 1 staying back for a couple of terms would help their situation in that way also (as long as it did not need to be permanent).

I suspect the main reason that the Government isn´t encouraging this thinking is because they want people back at work,.Even if parents like us aren´t in that sort of workplace, I think there is a ¨being on message¨ that is driving this - rather than a scientific plan of how to reduce illness and death in a pandemic.

I'm glad you're feeling robust herecomesthsun. I feel quite broken by all this. We need people like you to state our case.

I was all for the kids going back until I realised you can’t just test, you still have to quarantine for 14 days, it’s going to be so disruptive, the test centres will be full, as flu and colds will be about. I don’t want to quarantine every 5 minutes if one child gets it in my daughter’s bubble of 260. The only way I can see it working is if everyone has a test once a week, hopefully testing will get better, cheaper and more efficient.

Your thread title is a little misleading because the choice isn't binary educate / orphan.

You are highly educated and can home school. That is what I would do in your position, for sure.

The current UK government is the worst we could have had for a pandemic. It has been and continues to be a catastrophe. Many other countries have dealt with it better in many different ways.

If your son went back to school and you did catch Covid-19 from him and passed away, it would completely ruin his life. That would be so much worse than missing a year's school.

I think that people putting children going back to school above other people's lives are showing the lack of compassion brought out by the actions of Johnson, Cummings and co.

YANBU - even if worrying about making your kids orphans is still relatively unlikely, as parents we all worry about this, and any hospitalisation with COVID is not necessarily a walk in the park and could be prolonged/significantly affect your kids.

My advice fwiw would be:-

Speak to the school, I know of 3 shielding parents in my friendship circle (crohns, transplant, other immune suppressants) who are in a similar position, so it must be common.

Is it not discriminatory to dereg a child from school because of this? we may know more/have a vaccine in a few months and there could be thousands of kids without a school place for the rest of their education because of a reasonable amount of caution exercised in the first few months of the autumn/winter. It’s almost a form of ableism.

If you can work out a strategy to send your kids in, maybe avoiding public transport, PE, lessons, playground etc could work? Stripping off at the door/social distancing at home similar to what a lot of key workers who live with shielders have had to do?

Or go all out and homeschool, but I would consider how sustainable you think this could be in the longer term, if they do come up with a vaccine by Christmas it would be a shame to have committed to this if it’s not really what you wanted to do.

Hopefully the school can help you and you can feel your way through without having to make any giant decisions.

It's almost a form of ableism

This. I agree a million %

It absolutely IS ableism whenever someone says to a person with relevant pre-existing conditions that children going to school is more important than their lives, or that the risk is low, etc.

@PumbaasCucumbas

YANBU - even if worrying about making your kids orphans is still relatively unlikely, as parents we all worry about this, and any hospitalisation with COVID is not necessarily a walk in the park and could be prolonged/significantly affect your kids.

My advice fwiw would be:-

Speak to the school, I know of 3 shielding parents in my friendship circle (crohns, transplant, other immune suppressants) who are in a similar position, so it must be common.

Is it not discriminatory to dereg a child from school because of this? we may know more/have a vaccine in a few months and there could be thousands of kids without a school place for the rest of their education because of a reasonable amount of caution exercised in the first few months of the autumn/winter. It’s almost a form of ableism.

If you can work out a strategy to send your kids in, maybe avoiding public transport, PE, lessons, playground etc could work? Stripping off at the door/social distancing at home similar to what a lot of key workers who live with shielders have had to do?

Or go all out and homeschool, but I would consider how sustainable you think this could be in the longer term, if they do come up with a vaccine by Christmas it would be a shame to have committed to this if it’s not really what you wanted to do.

Hopefully the school can help you and you can feel your way through without having to make any giant decisions.

Agree x 3. Cancer/ transplant/ immune issues are not choices people have made - and it's disingenuous to treat them as though they are.