To educate or to orphan a child

[herecomesthsun]

I was released from shielding yesterday. I am well aware that if I get this infection I may well become very unwell (I have a lung process in some ways like cystic fibrosis. I am very well in myself most of the time, but can get very ill with pneumonia and excess mucus production, and have needed to be on a nebuliser in the past).

I have DC1 in primary school (small village school) and DC2 in KS3 of a very good selective secondary school (much bigger and in a local city, so riskier).

DC2 is very worried about me getting ill with the return to school.

3 of my grandparents died when their own children were very young. I know the effect this can have and I think this is worse than being out of education for a few months.

We have been able to educate our children fairly well at home,but I do not want DC2 especially to lose that school place (which was very well earned by competitive exam).

The alternative would be quite risky and it would be hard enough to have family illness without a young person feeling that they had been the main risk factor.

I think that the government plans are going to leave some families to be bereaved in this way, inevitably.The priorities are keeping hospitality going- because it is business - and then keeping the schools going - so people can get back to work - but bereavements are going to create longstanding problems for societies in themselves.

We have increasing numbers of older parents these days and there are children going home to parents over 50 and/or with health conditions which, even if they are not significant in the usual run of things,could cause a lot of problems with covid.

For us, shielding and return to school are not separate issues, as our one household needs to do both.

I would certainly not want to compromise my children´s education. I see their lives as more important than mine and I think that given the choice I would probably make a choice in favour of them.

However, as regards my own parents, the loss of one or both parents in itself led to educational choices being greatly curtailed. My mother went to work as a a teenager rather than going on to college to be a teacher, my father did not fulfil his academic promise.

I think the best chance for my own childrenś education prospects is to try and hang around as long as I possibly can.

So would it be selfish to keep them off from school for the next couple of terms, when there are effectively 2 parents available who can educate them (semi-retired)?

Would it be reasonable for starters to keep them off for the first month to see how things go and cite family vulnerability?

What do you think?

no

I've sent you a PM op.

I have a lung condition that sounds very similar. Consultant appointments being cancelled and rearranged and then cancelled again but thankfully I had a telephone consultation last week, I hope you hear from your consultant soon.

DH has a relative (reminds me of OP) who thinks that all decisions can be reduced to simple logic puzzles, assessing balance of known risks. He seems astonished when we remind him that most risks in life are very unknown and can't be calculated. Nobody's life is a probability distribution.

I tried to read all OP's posts and still don't know what her kids would like to do about going back to school. Following their preferences and "one day at a time" would be my strategy.

Since you asked, and I will assume its a genuine question , you absolutely should leave as should anyone faced doing a job they don't feel able to do.

Decide to prioritise your’s and your family’s health until spring. Things could be so much brighter then.

The stresses and strains of school on you all would do far more worse than good mentally even if you avoid covid.

We are only just over 4 months since the lockdown all began, so much progress made. Stay home and protect your family if you can and ignore anyone that makes you feel silly.

The risks are real and nobody knows what will happen as we move from summer and lower viral loads to autumn with lots of children in a classroom. You will be doing your bit keeping the classrooms emptier for those that need to attend - I’m still hopeful people will be asked to do this if they can.

Take care.

Because education is 'free'in this country people completely undervalue it. In developing countries people make massive sacrifices for their children's education , as do immigrants from those countries when they arrive here. Meanwhlle those with the massive advantage of a good school for their DC treated it as optional an unnecessary. Definitely first world problems.

@lifeafter50

Because education is 'free'in this country people completely undervalue it. In developing countries people make massive sacrifices for their children's education , as do immigrants from those countries when they arrive here. Meanwhlle those with the massive advantage of a good school for their DC treated it as optional an unnecessary. Definitely first world problems.

Im totally appricative of the advantages we have in this country. Clean water, food, medical care so many things. Including free will. I dont think it is safe to open pubs and schools. But i respect that if these are open people have the choice to go to the pub or send their children to schools. However, i should also have the choice not to.

I also appriciate education, and my child attends as often as able. Gets ill alot but normally this is a risk we accept for the benefits also gained create a balance. Most illness are know, there are treatmwnts, or process that are followed. Yes there is always a risk that someone will not respond to treatment and have a poor outcome or death. Thats life.
But thus virus is new, they dont know enough yet about long term complications, treatment options etc.

I understand OP and don’t think you’re being at all extreme or dramatic. Our family is in a similar situation. For us it’s the child going into school who is at risk though.

I would prefer part time school and feel that this year was going to be less ‘made up as we go along’ than last year.

But it won’t be, sadly. Those parents who think that by putting pressure on to get schools back full time - will in doing so achieve that - well, I think our government just panics, goes with popular opinion and then u turns every time.

It would be better to accept that we all need to change and adapt and have a properly prepared plan.

I was orphaned as a kid. Both parents. My education is what made my life what it is. I’d be lost without it. I am self sufficient, I earn enough, I don’t need to rely on anyone for money.

My parents weren’t the best so I’m probably not able to be unbiased enough, but the thing that I am most grateful for in my life is pushing myself at school and getting decent grades, so that I could make decent money as soon as I needed too.

I suppose OP’s real problem is that her elder dc is at, presumably, a grammar school. Therefore what she would like to do, ie hedge her bets and HE until it’s “safer” but retain the school place is not going to be a goer. If the dc were in a sink school it would be - for her - a no brainer - but she is worried that things will improve and she’s chucked in that golden egg school place (which someone waiting in the wings has gladly taken up).

Fwiw it sounds as i have a similar condition to OP. Mucus Mary, that’s me! I have been shielding, and continue to be ultra cautious. HOWEVER I cannot prioritise myself over my dcs. They have been meeting friends for walks etc and come September dd will be returning to school (they are going in two days a week to start off with, I think).

I agree, if the education bit would go well without me that would be another thing , but I think DC2 needs me there for support otherwise they will struggle a lot with the grades they would otherwise sail through. (very very bright but needs a lot of emotional support)

I don't think the OP is prioritising herself over the children. Parental health has a direct impact on children

I think you need to wait a bit op. I think the unions and government are currently working on these issues. It might be those of vulnerable families have more online work set for them or classes of much fewer people. It may not have to be as black or white as you fear.

Trust me - losing a parent as a child is not good. Education does not replace the stability and love a good parent can give to a child.

I was left rudderless at a young age and my education was rendered useless with a resulting lack of direction and stability of mind.

So many people think they will live forever. Death won’t happen to them.

Our children need us. We need to protect our health and be there for them.

No advice OP. It's a terrible dilemma. I really feel for everyone shielding and anyone with anxiety. You just have to do what you feel is best for you and your family.

Hi OP, just wanted to let you know how I've handled this.

I have DC in primary and secondary, and my consultant strongly advised me to continue shielding. The kids do not want me locked away from them, so really keeping them at home seems the only realistic option for us.

I contacted their heads, who were supportive, and then asked my consultant to write a letter supporting my keeping the children at home.

They won't lose their school places.

Planning to keep an eye on vaccine/treatment developments and keep reviewing the situation.

for you: none of our options are great right now; but in my opinion your instincts are correct.

We kept the children in school, one till lockdown, the other (in the less¨safe¨ environment) till the day before. I had the arguments and figures going round and round in my head. The temptation is to go along with what the school is directing and try to keep the status quo. I had a pretty good understanding of what exponential growth means in a pandemic and was quite concerned about covid since February.

Afterwards I thought I should have got them out of school sooner, given the risks.

I did bear in mind what the children said they wanted, although 1) they wanted slightly different things and 2) itś a lot of responsibility for people so young.

The advice from other people in a similar situation is really, really useful (especially as I have not ahem been seeing much of people lately), many thanks.

It is very tough, and I find the responsibility is weighing very heavily.

My secondary school DC has autism and prefers being at home, so that has had some bearing on my decision.

I haven't asked them what they want outright, as - as you rightly point out - it's not fair to put the decision onto them.

Fingers crossed for a vaccine!

I can’t see how schools will be safe despite low number cases. There were more cases in schools before they closed for summer than in care homes and that’s with limited pupil numbers and staff. Come September when there will be no SD and no PPE and they are all together for six hours and cases will soar. Especially as some parents will send them in ill, some won’t test and there has to be two positive cases in the same bubble within 14 days to close it. It’s unlikely any parents would know before the second case.

Washing hands, showering, removing clothes help with surface transmission but it’s airbourne so if caught won’t just be on their clothes.

Parents should have the choice to send back or not, no one should be forced to if willing to continue to teach from home.

There's a difference between not putting the decision on them and asking their opinion and feelings on the matter.

@Uhoh2020

There's a difference between not putting the decision on them and asking their opinion and feelings on the matter.

Thank you for that helpful and supportive insight.

So primary age child would I think really like to get back to their friends, whereas secondary age child is very mindful of risks and wants things to be safe, as doesn´t want anything to happen to friends, teachers or indeed parents,who are seen as really very very old (DC has a point with this, we were late getting started having a family).

It would be a bit odd though to send back one and not tother.

Primary age child has however really enjoyed one to one time,being home, baking and cocooning and is doing better if anything with their schoolwork.

Very similar here herecomesthesun. Older DC very risk-aware, and younger one (although also aware of risk) would like to go back.

However, the younger one is VERY scared of me dying. I've had a few health traumas in the last couple of years that they've witnessed.

We have a wish jar that we put all our post-covid hopes into. That's been a helpful way of keeping an eye on how they see things.