To educate or to orphan a child

[herecomesthsun]

I was released from shielding yesterday. I am well aware that if I get this infection I may well become very unwell (I have a lung process in some ways like cystic fibrosis. I am very well in myself most of the time, but can get very ill with pneumonia and excess mucus production, and have needed to be on a nebuliser in the past).

I have DC1 in primary school (small village school) and DC2 in KS3 of a very good selective secondary school (much bigger and in a local city, so riskier).

DC2 is very worried about me getting ill with the return to school.

3 of my grandparents died when their own children were very young. I know the effect this can have and I think this is worse than being out of education for a few months.

We have been able to educate our children fairly well at home,but I do not want DC2 especially to lose that school place (which was very well earned by competitive exam).

The alternative would be quite risky and it would be hard enough to have family illness without a young person feeling that they had been the main risk factor.

I think that the government plans are going to leave some families to be bereaved in this way, inevitably.The priorities are keeping hospitality going- because it is business - and then keeping the schools going - so people can get back to work - but bereavements are going to create longstanding problems for societies in themselves.

We have increasing numbers of older parents these days and there are children going home to parents over 50 and/or with health conditions which, even if they are not significant in the usual run of things,could cause a lot of problems with covid.

For us, shielding and return to school are not separate issues, as our one household needs to do both.

I would certainly not want to compromise my children´s education. I see their lives as more important than mine and I think that given the choice I would probably make a choice in favour of them.

However, as regards my own parents, the loss of one or both parents in itself led to educational choices being greatly curtailed. My mother went to work as a a teenager rather than going on to college to be a teacher, my father did not fulfil his academic promise.

I think the best chance for my own childrenś education prospects is to try and hang around as long as I possibly can.

So would it be selfish to keep them off from school for the next couple of terms, when there are effectively 2 parents available who can educate them (semi-retired)?

Would it be reasonable for starters to keep them off for the first month to see how things go and cite family vulnerability?

What do you think?

A lot of the schools seem to be preparing for all eventualities, home learning, all kids in school, and blended learning. This is wise as government recommendations can change several times in a day.

We would be quite cost effective as we could be given an outline of what to do and then just get it done. I can see that this wouldn´t suit everyone though.

Iḿ reluctant to deregister as I would far prefer DC to be in school than at home. We didn´t set out to be home schoolers and they both are quite attached to their current school. I just want us to be safe as a family in the immediate months ahead and I am happy to support that,but I don´t want it to be a permanent arrangement.

I can see why that ¨isn´t doing things properly¨, especially in a pandemic,when things are going to be a bit different from usual, inevitably.

Exceptional circumstances like yours need to be considered on an individual basis with the schools and LEA involved rather than a blanket optional parental choice to the whole school

I have a friend with cf and there is great research that seems to be showing that far from being at greater risk, those with cf who have contracted Covid are finding better recovery rates. I don’t know your exact condition, but he actually found this very reassuring. (Three countries involved in the research - he is usually hospitalized for a mo th or two every year while they stabilize his respiratory system).
I think a lot of the assumptions underlining what we thought we knew about Covid are now being looked at in more detail with some surprising research results.
All we can do really is make our own decisions based on our own research. If that contradicts the official health/ employment guidance, we make what we believe to be the best decisions for our family (resign from work, homeschool etc). We are all going to make different decisions and that’s ok.
Our two adult children are going to stay here because uni is online, but both are working outside of the home, so it is likely that dc3 will go back to school. It’s her final year. She has a disability that means chest infections take longer to treat, but we’ll all be as careful as we can. Likely by September there will be all four of us working outside the home.

How can they possibly be safe right now through?
The end of shielding letter states that child can return to school but musy stay 2meters
with no contact, ppe to be worn etc. Stay outdoors for meet ups if havingnto go indoors should be no more than 30. How is that even possible? Schools cant do this. Schools dont have to do this and yet im being told to ensure that this happens. Its impossible

Fairybio Okay, listen to my situation and tell me if I’m being a selfish anxious parent. I have two children. One is medically fine, the other has had a solid transplant and is on immune suppressants. The older one has been kept of school to keep her sister safe. Come September when my at risk child still can’t attend school, and I inevitably keep the older one off, and ruining her education, how selfish will I be?

Literally you’re saying that a mother wanting to be alive to care for her children is being selfish. Actually have a think about that.

If I were in your situation I would rent a small 2 bed flat very near home for 6 months (using a personal loan or credit card if not possible within family budget - I have taken on debt for less worthy causes) and homeschool the youngest DC there. Older DC stays with dad. The whole family meets up at a distance in a garden or park everyday. Within a few months there may be treatment breakthroughs or a vaccine.
A very strange 6 months for the family, but everybody would have peace of mind and be able to concentrate on jobs and schooling.
Your title says 'orphan' but I assume your DH isn't in the clinically vulnerable category or you would have said.

We faced a similar choice. Schools are unsafe with regards to linking households and community transmission. We spent a good few weeks debating it at home and talking to school (they have been supportive). I almost drove myself mad thinking, in the end I trusted my gut feeling which was that the risks did not outweigh benefits.

Have de-registered and will home school as of Sept. DS will see friends at weekends/evenings, one friend for a few hours is less of a risk than 30 kids for 30 hours per week. We will look at what may happen in March/Apr next year as to whether we ask to re-enroll. Keeping both parents/siblings well is the baseline. Especially if you can educate reasonably at home. We felt school would not be Covid secure and it is madness for me to go to work where every precaution will be taken and DS would be in a room of 30 children, no social distance, huge social 'bubbles' featuring a whole year group - not forgetting all the people they interact with socially etc

It defies logic.

Eat out to help out money could have been better spent giving schools the resources they need to create safer learning environments.

Me and my sibling lost a parent when we were at primary age. No education can make up for that loss. Our DS has SEN and he needs both parents fighting his corner (and helping each other) for years to come yet. Its not an optional extra for him.

You sound well equipped to home educate and that is a valid choice at any time. I'm a former teacher, now education adviser. School is an industrial education process that is vaguely efficient in normal times, but it's not the best solution for every child in every situation.

If it is academic progress/opportunities you are concerned about, I would have thought that for the next academic year (by the end of which we look like having a vaccine), the benefits of less household anxiety / fewer PITA distancing measures in your own home would outweigh the benefits of returning to school.

Your DCs' HTs may be sympathetic to supporting you if you make it clear you will follow the school curriculum.

@partystress that was our conclusion for our family too.

We have kept very good relations with school and kept talking to them throughout - they have sent things like learning maps for the coming academic year so we can help DS learn curriculum along roughly the same lines as his peers. They are happy to keep in touch with a view to DS re-joining when we feel it is appropriate.

PE/team sports and practical science look like they might be tricky to replicate (I am so NOT dissecting an eyeball) but I'm sure we will manage and more seasoned Home Educators will point us to some decent resources.

Its a shame he will miss the various good things about school, like his lovely and very experienced teacher, and giggling with/discussing ideas with friends but... he does prefer to be at home, works at his own rate without comparing himself to others and feels less distracted. Plus we will get time to do all sorts of happy and educational things school don't always get time to given a very prescriptive national curriculum - nature walks, trips out, plenty of music etc. Once I made the decision (DH was a little more in favour of school but left it to me - we both have underlying health situations) I felt 100% it was the right thing and am now really looking forward to it - we have various therapies to cover as well as curriculum but I feel pretty confident we can do a good job.

Not trying to persuade you OP, you can make up your own mind (and the golden egg school place is a tricky component), but this was our experience.

If the school is worth it's salt it will try to work with you on this situation.

Uhoh2020

Exceptional circumstances like yours need to be considered on an individual basis with the schools and LEA involved rather than a blanket optional parental choice to the whole school“

Unfortunately, OP’s circumstances are not exceptional (sorry OP, no offence 😊).

There are hundreds of thousands of families in similar situations.
My husband was shielding. Our youngest, asthmatic, is due back in College in September, so two sets of worry there already. Throw in our multi-generational household, with members who will have no choice but to return to work in the next 6 weeks and another in a few months and not forgetting the youngest family member at just a few weeks old.
We have made the decision that, if College is open (North West) our youngest needs to return. If he doesn’t when the majority do (I cannot possibly home school his chosen career subject, it’s not run of the mill and his specialist A level choices reflect that) he will be at a major disadvantage that may well impact negatively on his career choice for the rest of his working life.
I shall drive him 22 miles each way, twice a day and he’ll wear an expensive mask that will offer him as well as others some protection. I’ll have to cut my cloth accordingly and cut back on other things in my budget to cover the substantial cost. His dad will more or less cut himself off from the family through the winter virus season, he’ll e it’s in our bedroom and his office, and I’m still wrestling with being his weakest link or seeing him via Zoom from the next room for 4 months.
With that all in place, I will consider our unit extremely fortunate if we all come through winter unscathed.
We are far from exceptional. I know 2 other families in fairly similar circumstances.

Our school have said that very poorly DC will be placed on bubbles of 4 or 5 and my DC could join one of those bubbles. Not sure how that would work on a massive sink secondary.

@herecomesthsun I would separate the vulnerable and the highly vulnerable tbh.
People who were to shield have one level of risk.
People who were told to shield until 1st august are on a different planet risk wise.

So I am trying to write to the LEA.

One problem is that I live in a different area to the school, so I am not sure which one I should write to.

Presumably, the respiratory team made the shielding decision, but according to the consultantś secretary, he is far too busy to get involved with my case right now.

I am medically trained, so I could write them a medical account of our situation if they want.

I am wondering however whether it is definitely a good thing to be writing in advance or whether we should just wait until the shit inevitably hits the fan.

Might it look too premeditated? Especially as there isn´t very enthusiastic back up from the chest team?

My husband said, did I want to task them if my son can take this term off, and actually I really don´t ,because they may well say no, and we may be in a situation where it is best to take him out of school any way.

We are very keen to support his education and normally would never take holidays in term etc. However, I can´t see this going well in the next 6 months and I also don´t want him to lose his place at school if possible. it´s a bit of a bind.

Surely you'd write to the LEA that oversees the school not the one you live in? Have the school given you any indication of what their stance is on your situation?

The school are informally sympathetic, but formally I think they need to follow directions from the Government. Fed up as they might be with directions from the Government.

I think you need to be realistic, children don't just need to go back for education. Plus if you ensure that your children take measures outside the hone and do things like change clothes and wash hands before coming into contact with you you should be ok.
I have bronchiectasis and get ill about twice a year. I teach full time and am just more aware of cleanliness, I'm more aware of what Covid could do if I got it, but I'm not going to live in fear of it.

Plus if you ensure that your children take measures outside the hone and do things like change clothes and wash hands before coming into contact with you you should be ok.
That is really naive, Covid19 is rarely spread via clothes touch, and nearly always spread in the air.
@anothermansmother Also are you shielding?

I think you’re being naive if you think school will have time to communicate the work for all of your DCs subjects. It was easier to set work for students when everyone was off - but doing this as well as teaching full time, and dashing round school from room to room (because students are staying in their bubbles and we are moving to them) isn’t a fair ask. If a student is ill I’d be happy to do the extra work, but not for a student whose parents are choosing to keep them off.
You have the option of isolating within your home, but you’re worried that teeth might not get brushed and they might be late for school! I’m sorry but I think you’re being unreasonable.

Sorry if this sounds Arsenal, but I’m a teacher in the extremely clinically vulnerable category and in just over two weeks I’ll be teaching up to 280 different students each day, none of us wearing masks. Work have been great, and I could work from home if I requested it - but I strongly believe that these students need to be in school. My own primary and secondary children need their school too.
If you’re genuinely over-qualified then de register your children, and give that very sought after school place to someone who needs it!

@AldiAisleofCrap no I haven't shielded. my headteacher kept me out of school once we went into lockdown ( only 4 students in). I help look after my grandmother ( who was shielding) and took the advice from my consultant and used precautionary measures etc. I will be back in a classroom in September with 30+ other students, and no masks or face coverings. I've also volunteered to have the trial vaccine.

Arsey not arsenal

Also no one knows how long this will go on for, and I wouldn't want my children missing out on any more education.

Have you considered sticking a caravan on your drive so that you can live separately, or alternatively so that your eldest can live separately? You could still eat together etc with social distancing. I think it would be v difficult for your children to be isolated long term, especially the eldest. When people home school they still attend groups and activities to allow the children to socialise. You wouldn't be able to do that. The situation is likely to last until there's a vaccine which could be years.

I’ve also volunteered to have the trial vaccine.
@anothermansmother that’s interesting, do you not have be “ healthy” to volunteer?

So its not ok for child to be isolated but it is oj for child to be unable to touch, hug or have proper contact with a parent

@Trackandtrace it's not for me to say what's best for the OP or anyone else but I would seriously consider that option for older children.