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Original poster

Narcissistic ex is "shielding" should he see dd

231 replies

kipperthedog · 30/03/2020 11:52

Hello all, hope everyone is keeping safe and well. My narc ex is extremely difficult and is using the current circumstances to be even more so. He's putting demands on me (and therefore dd) to protect his own health and making this time extremely stressful. His demands should go without saying such as distancing etc but he always makes out I'm a bad parent and wants it in writing that I agree to these things. Having spoken to her this morning, he says he's had a text to say he has to stay in for 12 weeks. As a chronic asthmatic I assume this means he has been told to "shield". My question to you is should dd go to his next week for 10 days as planned? He has no outside space so she will be cooped indoors apart from daily exercise - which if he adheres to the advice he won't be taking. As far as I can see he should be isolating from her.

Any advice welcome thanks Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
kipperthedog · 04/04/2020 18:19

Not sure if I should ask again or play cards close to chest. Are my reasons enough. So much doubt.

Should I ask him if he's accepting this arrangement as he's asked to FaceTime or just see what he says to her...?

Sorry for so many questions, appreciate your support x

OP posts:
MzHz · 04/04/2020 18:26

Honestly now is the time to disengage

You’ve said no and that’s all that needs to be said and in this YOUR decision is final.

As for court, (a) he has no chance, the courts aren’t sitting

(B) it’s clear you’re NOT in breach of an order when the social distancing instructions are clear, he’s in the vulnerable group
and not adhering to the instructions to stay inside

You’re not responsible for his health, but you are responsible for your dd and her wellbeing.

If he turns up, call the police and have him removed.

Be that cold. It’s the only way narcissistic people get it.

You can try to be kind/considerate but they only see that as a weakness and a cue to take advantage of you.

Rollergirl11 · 04/04/2020 18:26

No need for anything further from you. If you keep responding to him you’re keeping the communication open and giving him more opportunities to wear you down. Just await the FaceTime call tomorrow. Make sure you’re in the room and recording just to be safe.

MzHz · 04/04/2020 18:28

He does not have to accept your decision, but that won’t change your mind.

Stop giving a shit about HIS feelings, he sure as fuck doesn’t give a shit about you, your dd or either of your feelings.

MzHz · 04/04/2020 18:29

And yes, monitor the call and if he starts to bully her, cut the call off there and then.

Original poster
kipperthedog · 04/04/2020 18:34

Sorry to keep going on. Am in crisis mode.

He has said clearly that he isn't shielding, vulnerable or at risk.

Would the courts not see that as me being unreasonable when he has stated so clearly and sent me the text he received?

The only thing I have to go on is that that information doesn't add up to what he told dd and the demands he put on me to protect his health.

Argh I'm going insane!!

OP posts:
Original poster
kipperthedog · 04/04/2020 18:35

The court would only be looking to see if I am protecting her health by not letting her go. How am I doing that??

OP posts:
Original poster
kipperthedog · 04/04/2020 18:36

I'm sure you're all sick of me by now I'm sorry! My head is spinning and nothing is clear to me anymore.

OP posts:
Rollergirl11 · 04/04/2020 18:56

Try to stop worrying about the courts. He is just using this to scare you!

UYScuti · 04/04/2020 19:01

I asked him the other day why he told dd he couldn't go out for 12 weeks if it didn't apply and why he referred to himself as vulnerable when he now saying he isn't but he just ignored my questions
he ignored the question because the answer is that he just says whatever he feels will get him what he wants and he expects you to shut up and not challenge him.
He made a declaration that he cant go out for 12 weeks, so take that as his position, but also drop the rope and stop negotiating with him.

MzHz · 04/04/2020 19:41

There are no courts!!!

By the time we’re through all this contact will be resumed and he won’t have any complaints at all!

He’s just bullying you and dd.

Be firm.

Original poster
kipperthedog · 04/04/2020 19:46

The solicitor I spoke to Thursday said the courts here are operating and are taking 48 hours to get cases heard.. maybe it's different depending where in the country you are??

OP posts:
MzHz · 04/04/2020 22:28

To get it to court will take a lot more than 48 hours, there will be cases piled up waiting and this is low priority

They won’t bother with him at all.

You are safe, your child is safe

Most importantly SHE doesn’t want to go! They’re not going to make her go to someone who was told to stay in for 12 Weeks

Notmyfirstusername · 04/04/2020 23:16

Now is the time to ask your solicitor to deal with him. Every time he tries to discuss it use a broken record "As you are taking me to court all further communication regarding this issue needs to be through my solicitor, anything further I will class as harassment as it is damaging my and dd's mental well-being "
He will not win in court, so stop worrying.

UYScuti · 05/04/2020 00:02

He's giving you ammunition to use against him with all this unwanted contact and interrogation of you.
Refusing to take no for an answer, changing his story, lying, backtracking, won't give a straight answer, ignores the question, any way the wind blows🌬️💨🍃
and your daughter is scared of him, that's not good☹️
It will be used to build a case against him if he's got an appetite for that sort of thing...?

Original poster
kipperthedog · 05/04/2020 08:21

Thanks for your replies Smile

I actually feel physically sick today with the nerves and anxiety. Slept really badly.

He's going to FaceTime dd at 1pm the time at which she would have been dropped off so at least I know he's not going to turn up. Recording the call is a great suggestion thank you and I'm definitely going to do that and pull the internet plug if he starts anything. I've told dd that if she wants to end the call she just has to say to him that she wants to go now and will speak tomorrow. She seems fine, I've asked her if she's ok with not going she said I never want to go so am fine.

As a side issue. Would you lovely ladies say that standing on opposite sides of the road (3-4 meters away) in a cul de sac talking to your neighbours is breaking the lockdown rules? DD's best friend lives over the road and she misses him desperately. I think this would be ok but I'm sure ex wouldn't. Keen to see others opinions please.

X

OP posts:
Rollergirl11 · 05/04/2020 09:25

Good luck OP, you’re doing the right thing. He is a bully and both you and your DD know this. The fact that she is scared of him and scared to upset him because of the way he will act towards her is very damaging and this needs to be addressed. Perhaps not now but at some point I would speak to your solicitor about building a case to reduce contact with DD if your exe continues to emotionally abuse you and your DD. As someone quite rightly stated up thread contact is for the b benefit if your DD, not him.

Let us know how it goes. 🤞💐

sonypony · 05/04/2020 09:39

Standing on opposite sides of the road that far away is fine. I saw a picture doing the rounds on Facebook actually of some kids sat in chalked boxes measured 2m apart ‘hanging out’.

Original poster
kipperthedog · 05/04/2020 14:02

Hello Smile so they had a long FaceTime.: almost an hour. On the whole just chatty and dd enjoyed it. He said they miss her and will do everything they can to get her home as soon as possible and to make sure she know not their choice her not being there. The only really snipey thing was he asked if her siblings were here and she said they swapping over today and he said "oh well your mum is allowing them to see their Dad then". Dd seemed happy to speak to him and didn't say anything other than agree with what he said bless her. Seems like court is definitely on the cards Sad

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Original poster
kipperthedog · 05/04/2020 15:12

Feel like a really bad person now. Dd is drawing him a picture saying she misses him. Think she surprised herself that she actually wanted to go. Feel so bad that I've kept her away Sad

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 05/04/2020 16:06

You made a decision based on lockdown which was the right one to do - its one many people are facing.

Rollergirl11 · 05/04/2020 19:27

I’m sure your DD will get over it. It won’t be forever.

If your exe makes a big deal about siblings seeing their Dad you can simply state that he wasn’t making unreasonable demands and lying about whether they are vulnerable or not.

I hope you’re feeling a bit better about the whole thing.

Original poster
kipperthedog · 05/04/2020 19:57

Thanks @Rollergirl11

Yes that's true it's not forever.

I'm considering sending an email to him and his partner (hoping to possibly appeal to partners better nature) stating my concerns and asking for answers with a view to avoiding court and potentially allowing dd to go for shorter periods?

Worried this would show my hand pre court though and would I be satisfied to believe his answers...

Just wonder if involving his partner might help the situation?

Any thoughts gratefully received.

The other half of me think fuck it let him take it to court and them get the answers.

Still wavering here Confused

Poor dd is sad and missing him and asking if she's going to his tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
kipperthedog · 06/04/2020 08:38

Sorry. It's me again! I haven't sent an email, but am wondering whether to or not.

I'm also wondering if I should contact him about arranging FaceTime contact so DD knows when she will be speaking to him next? I haven't heard from him since his FaceTime yesterday..

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 06/04/2020 09:01

What is your reason for not allowing your DD to go to his house? You originally said it was because he told you he was shielding. Now you've realised he actually isn't. And you've sent your other children to their father. I just can't see why you'd stop her from going.

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