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Original poster

Narcissistic ex is "shielding" should he see dd

231 replies

kipperthedog · 30/03/2020 11:52

Hello all, hope everyone is keeping safe and well. My narc ex is extremely difficult and is using the current circumstances to be even more so. He's putting demands on me (and therefore dd) to protect his own health and making this time extremely stressful. His demands should go without saying such as distancing etc but he always makes out I'm a bad parent and wants it in writing that I agree to these things. Having spoken to her this morning, he says he's had a text to say he has to stay in for 12 weeks. As a chronic asthmatic I assume this means he has been told to "shield". My question to you is should dd go to his next week for 10 days as planned? He has no outside space so she will be cooped indoors apart from daily exercise - which if he adheres to the advice he won't be taking. As far as I can see he should be isolating from her.

Any advice welcome thanks

OP posts:

SonicVersusGynaephobia · 04/04/2020 11:27

I would outline again, in writing, his previous demands made about her not being allowed to touch door handles or be close to her siblings because she was putting his life at risk, etc. Ask him to explain why he insisted she had to take such extreme measures to protect him as he's in the vulnerable group, if none of that was true?

Then this correspondence can be included in the bundle of evidence if it does end up back in Court.

RhubarbCucumber · 04/04/2020 11:30

Morning OP - if it gives you any piece of mind my understanding is that courts are currently only hearing urgent cases where a child is at immediate risk of harm remaining in resident parent's care - I don't imagine that he would get a hearing for enforcement in the current climate. I know of long scheduled private law final hearings where there are safeguarding concerns that are being postponed until much later in the year!

Courts don't have the facilities to sit on a full schedule whilst maintaining social distancing guidance.

UYScuti · 04/04/2020 11:30

Sonic you make a good point but would it not be better to keep that powder dry so that it can be used in court?

RhubarbCucumber · 04/04/2020 11:30

Peace of mind obviously...

Original poster

kipperthedog · 04/04/2020 12:39

Thanks so much for all your replies. Trying not to let him overtake all my day again and doing some nice things with dd.

I've tried to talk to her to see if she would be prepared to say to him she doesn't want to go but she got upset and said she felt pressured. She's scared of him too, he would twist it and make her feel bad.

I just worry that court would say he has stated his side of things that he's not shielding etc and so what am I worried about. Do I have enough case from his previous comments about measures in his home and the restrictions he has put on me??

Wwyd??

OP posts:

UYScuti · 04/04/2020 12:46

Is it possible to make it obvious to the court that she is scared of him, surely that's a really big issue?

Original poster

kipperthedog · 04/04/2020 12:46

He's making me doubt myself again.

OP posts:

Original poster

kipperthedog · 04/04/2020 12:49

@UYScuti I just worry that he would use it against her. She already said that he questions her about stuff. He would make her feel bad. I honestly feel so confused and don't know what direction to take right now.

My only thought is that he hasn't been straight, why should he get away with making such a fuss about his health and then it be fine when it suits. But will the court just see black and white and tell me I'm being obstructive for no reason. This is eating me up. I'm also worried he will find a reason not to bring her back especially after this. He wouldn't hesitate I'm surez

OP posts:

Rollergirl11 · 04/04/2020 12:50

But him not shielding when he’s vulnerable is also a concern isn’t it? And one that you could reasonably argue is not something you want DD to have to deal with.

Whether he is vulnerable or not, he was the one that told DD he was and has now backtracked on that. I think it’s clear from this alone that X cannot be trusted to make the appropriate safeguarding decisions on behalf of your DD and therefore in this instance she should stay home.

Original poster

kipperthedog · 04/04/2020 12:51

@UYScuti what do you mean play him at his own game? In what way please?

OP posts:

Rollergirl11 · 04/04/2020 12:53

I also agree with what others have says about the courts, these are extenuating circumstances OP. Your exe is using your conscientiousness and wanting to do the right thing against you.

Rollergirl11 · 04/04/2020 13:07

OP, I think you are tying yourself up in knots here and he is making you doubt yourself. I think you need to come to a decision and stick with it and don’t enter in to further negotiation with X about it.

I think you are well within your rights to say no to DD going in light of the current situation. I don’t think any court would accuse you of being obstructive but X is counting on being able to exert enough pressure on you to ensure that you do what he wants. I would go so far as to say that he is exercising coercive control over you and I’m sure the court would not look favourably on that whatsoever!

MzHz · 04/04/2020 14:06

He can’t do anything to you or about you so do whatever suits you and dd.

“Ex, have considered your demands and while they are unreasonable in themselves I thoroughly explained them and discussed the risks and situation with dd. She’s said that she wants to stay here until the 12 week isolation is over, and I support and respect that. I have said I’ll inform you of this and ask that you respect her wishes. You are of course welcome and able to communicate with her via text and FaceTime”

Then leave it at that.

If he bullies her, then stop the contact. Make sure she is in the room with you so you can protect her if necessary.

He won’t take you to court and he can’t take you to court right now anyway. IF he did he’d get absolutely nowhere.

Stop allowing him to terrorise you both. You’re the safest you’ve ever been from him right now, use it, get used to it and work it to the max!

Original poster

kipperthedog · 04/04/2020 14:07

Yes I'm totally tying myself up in knots.

He would love to know that it's having that effect on me I know.

Now I'm worried he will obviously badmouth me to dd, make me the band person. What will he be saying to her on FaceTime every day? How will he make her feel about me? That I stopped him seeing her. Made him go to court etc etc. Could that be more damaging than letting her go???

OP posts:

MzHz · 04/04/2020 14:10

She's scared of him too, he would twist it and make her feel bad.

Contact is for HER benefit, not his.

He’s not a good person to spend time with, you can’t handle him and you’re an adult! What chance does she have? Think about it

You are her rock, so be strong and protect her.

“Ex, she’s not coming.”

Stop cow towing to him. He’s a weak and pathetic specimen, that’s why he bullies because he’s a coward. He’s worn you down, but the real full fat you is worth 1000 times him.

And. (Deep down) You. Know. It.

MzHz · 04/04/2020 14:13

Stop giving a shit about what this pathetic little man thinks.

If he bad mouths you.... parental alienation- stop the calls

Court - that just literally won’t happen, and you know you are making the right decision and he’s bullying you/dd. That would come out in court. It’s bread and butter to a lawyer working for you, and any half blind judge would see this. He hasn’t got a prayer

MzHz · 04/04/2020 14:15

She will love you, she trusts you and knows she’s safe with you.

The scales are falling and she’s told you she’s scared of him.

He won’t win. Not now, not ever.

As long as her exposure to him is as minimal as possible

Trust me, they’re all the same these awful little men

Original poster

kipperthedog · 04/04/2020 14:51

@MzHz thank you for your strong and boosting words. I've sent the email and explained to dd my reasons why. Now I suppose just to wait and see if he takes me to court. I feel sick.

OP posts:

Rollergirl11 · 04/04/2020 15:15

He won’t take you to court. He’s just trying to scare you. And if he does it will be a total waste of his time.

I know it’s easier said then done but try not to waste anymore headspace on him. You’ve made your decision (the right one!). Now own it!

Original poster

kipperthedog · 04/04/2020 17:17

Thanks @rollergirl unfortunately I'm still riddled with doubt and now panicking he will turn up to collect her tomorrow. I really don't want a scene on the doorstep.

OP posts:

Original poster

kipperthedog · 04/04/2020 17:52

He's now emailed and said as I haven't given him a reason and as I am refusing to return her to her home there tomorrow that I am in breach of the court order. He had asked to FaceTime at the time I would have dropped her off.

Deliver that he's not going to turn up but fear a horrible week ahead

OP posts:

Rollergirl11 · 04/04/2020 18:04

What did you say in your email? Did you explain why DD won’t be going? If so then you have told him everything that he needs to know, whether he agrees with it or not.

Agree to the FaceTime but make sure you are in earshot of the call so that you can ensure he doesn’t bully DD. The first sign of any intimidation from him then end the call. Might even be worth recording the call with your own phone just in case and then you have evidence of any poor behaviour from him.

UYScuti · 04/04/2020 18:13

I am in breach of the court order
please remember that just because he claims you are does not mean that you are, him saying that makes me think of those threatening letters the BBC sends out, they imply that they have powers which they do not by using certain intimidating language.
I really don't want a scene on the doorstep
He knows you dont want that and he doesnt want it either, he is just relying on your fear, but think about it he has more to lose than you do by turning up on your doorstep and making a scene because that's gonna make him look very bad and you WILL film it all!
Keep the moral high ground

UYScuti · 04/04/2020 18:15

@UYScuti what do you mean play him at his own game? In what way please?
I mean it in a general sense of having a strategy and using his against him, sorry for being vague, I know this is a very difficult time for you and I hope you're ok

Original poster

kipperthedog · 04/04/2020 18:15

I just said go refer to previous email and my position was the same.

I asked him the other day why he told dd he couldn't go out for 12 weeks if it didn't apply and why he referred to himself as vulnerable when he now saying he isn't but he just ignored my questions basically saying his health etc none of my business.

I could ask again but I don't trust his answers. What else can I say? That's really all I've got to go on isn't it..? I'm so confused I'm not even clear of my own reasons right now.

Feeling like I can't take anymore.

OP posts:

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