How selfish would this be?

[Jourdain11]

I just need a sounding board because I don't trust my own judgement any more and don't want to freak out my family and friends, many of whom are already struggling at this difficult time...

So as not to drip-feed: I'm not very health-anxious and have been coping okay with the Covid-19 situation up till now. We had a case at work very early in proceesinfa and got locked down. Husband is a PS teacher and working this week. We have been reasonably sensible and socially isolated, but of course we're all getting exposure through him!

My dilemma is this: for the last about 4 weeks, I've been really wiped out. Really exhausted, achey, weak. I've also been getting lots of nosebleeds (unusual) and people have been commenting that I look really pale and asking if I lost weight. I've actually lost about a stone, but it may be lack of appetite.

Of course, I looked up my symptoms and got worried ... so made an appointment with the GP, telephone (natch) and spoke to a GP who I've never seen before, who said this is classic anxiety, everyone is anxious, to practise breathing techniques and mindfulness, etc. He may well be right, but my issue is... I haven't been feeling that anxious. I'm generally quite a day-by-day person and haven't felt this as hard as many others.

I tried the relaxation.. but basically, I'm just concerned it might be more. And I'm now scared that if I wait till I can get a face-to-face, some time in the long and far distant future (!!!) it might be "too late". Blah blah blah. You get what I'm saying.

My GP surgery are saying absolute no face-to-face and they can refer me for IAPTs but it will be a long wait. If I think I need something quicker, I should go to the local hospital Urgent Treatment. And I'm almost at the point where I will go....... but it seems so bloody selfish to go at a time like this?

I just don't know. So please, any thoughts will help!

Yes - Go. The worst that can happen is I'll waste little bit of NHS time and piss off some overworked staff.

No - Don't go. I'm being selfish and ridiculous to contemplate it!

Thx v much à l'avance.

What a lovely friend you have there!

It’s all gone at such a dizzying pace, and I hope you are comfortable enough and able to sleep, fingers crossed for a normal temperature and better bloods in the morning.

And please don’t feel guilty about being ill enough to need admitting - other diseases don’t stop just because there’s a brand new one. You’re in the right place, and I hope they are looking after you well.

Have you spoken to your mother again?

I can honestly say, OP, that I am very much in awe of how you are handling this. You are an inspiration in these very challenging times. Chin up, my thoughts and prayers are with you

Hi OP, I have only just come across your thread - I was so relieved to read that you pushed for more investigation after being fobbed off by that first GP Sorry to hear you're in such a bad way. Please DON'T FEEL GUILTY because this is not your fault! Just concentrate on being kind to yourself and letting everyone look after you so you can get better. You sound lovely and I wish you all the best

OP my thoughts and heart are with you. You sound so lovely. I wish I knew you! It’s utterly unfair and shit that you’re going through this now of all times. I’ll be thinking about you and looking forward to hearing that you’re over the worst of it as soon as possible.

(and verified, as they had it early and were tested)

Royal or superstar?

Everyone is so lovely and it's so kind of you all to bother, I can't say how much I appreciate it!

I do not know how I'm going to break it to my mother! When she hears about any family member being ill, her automatic reaction is to bake a cake and leap on a train to speed to their bedside, while simultaneously planning her outfit for the funeral. I have horrible images of her flying into a panic and bribing her way onto a Eurostar train by offering chocolate cake to the gendarmerie....!

I am struggling with sleep and thankful for my headphones and audio books! Earlier my blood pressure was too low so now it apparently needs to be taken every half an hour. And the Ditropan worked beautifully for about an hour but has now worn off, so that's not making sleep come easier either!

Goodnight to all

Royal or superstar? Haha, neither, but she would enjoy that comment! It was just very early in the outbreak, IIRC husband brought it back from Spain, where he'd been working. Not the best present from abroad...!

Gosh OP, I'm sorry you're in hospital but glad you are in the right place at the right time, and you have now both DGP and DF as options for the children (mix and match). Hope you feel much more comfortable soon from the meds, and that your GP and the rest communicate and the diagnosis and follow-on happens as soon as feasible. Seems like a good idea to plan, and also to try and get as much rest as you can while there. Hospitals are hard places to sleep in, but you are also very tired. All good thoughts to you. Thanks for updating. Please continue to tell us all how you are getting on.

Good morning!

Will write more later, just wanted to say I hope you managed to sleep and that symptoms are improving

Morning @Jourdain11 as @Saladmakesmesad said I wish I knew you! All along from your first post you’ve been thinking of others, and your posts are full of loving kindness for your dc, DH dpil mil and friends and hcps. That positivity will make life easier for you! 💞

And I loved your fond description of your lovely mum!

Thank you for all the lovely messages... honestly, I've felt like my posts have been such a torrent of self-pitying misery, so it is nice to know that they actually haven't come across that way!

I did get some sleep, thank you My temperature shot way up at some point and I was feeling very grotty. But it came down quite quickly, so what they're doing must be working!

I have a lovely, bossy nurse who was telling me off for not eating enough. I told her that my stomach is unxomfortable when I eat because of the enlarged spleen and she was like, "Excuses, excuses! I'm not having any of it!"

You’re a doofy OP, your messages are the opposite of a ‘torrent of self-pitying misery’
Be being looked after.

Let yourself be looked after

Ah, and I forgot to say also - no real change with the bloods yet, but also not any worse, which is good. Plus something called CRP which is not as it should be ? I'm sure I will get better at these blood tests and what they are all for!

I've arranged to video call stepfather later, because I want him to get my mum to some state of calm before I tell her what's going on. She should know; but I don't want to compromise her and other people's health and safety by stressing her out and het trying to jump on a train to London. You can just bet that she would manage it too! But it would be pointless, because we could not see each other anyway.

Apparently she send a huuuuge box full of French sweets and chocolates to the DC this morning. I think she imagines there is full on rationing here and such delicacies cannot be found! The DC will be on a permanent sugar high at this rate Husband was a bit put out that his and my names weren't included on the box! We're clearly expected to do without...

Hi! Good to see you have a nice bracing nurse - if their comic timing is good, it can be so good for the spirits.

I think you’re just going to have to brace yourself and tell your DMum. It’s a horrible task, and I dreaded it as much as I dreaded telling the DC.

The thought that got me to steel myself and just do it is ‘when my DC are grown up, what would I want them to be doing?’ And of course I wanted to know, and would want to mother them again.

I’m not even sure what CRP is, so can’t help on that one.

Have you got decent wifi in your room? I think the roll out of patient WiFi is the biggest single improver of the lot of the patient that there has been in recent years

Your posts have definitely not been self pitying misery!

You sound lovely & incredibly thoughtful 🌷

Try not to worry about the kids right now. Let their grandparents spoil them for a few days and see how they’re coping later in the week. Your friends have offered again & they’re all up for it, so you have that to fall back on. In their situation I’d happily do it for you, so don’t feel it’s too bog an ask. Children are allowed to move between separated parents & I cannot see your DH being stopped from getting his own children and bringing them home - try not to worry about that.

I’m glad you’re getting so well looked after, but I hope you are well enoughnto go home soon.

I’m pleased DH is now WFH/not working. If he can get shopping in & start quarantining himself, at least you’ll be able to quarantine together in a little while 😊

Eat something.
Drink plenty.

I've only been using the WiFi for watching stuff, not for my phone and so on... but it has been really fast and good! It is nice to have distractions.

I spoke to oldest DD again earlier. I'd promised to answer her questions so it was hard going! Basically I told her that my blood isn't working properly at the moment and cannot fight infections, and that's why I've had to be away from them, why I had a stomach ache, and why I'm in hospital now. She wanted to know of the doctors can make it better, and I said they still have to figure out for definite what causes it, but when they have they can start making it better straight away. She then said, "Is it cancer?" Apparently a school friend's cousin has cancer. I was honest and said it could be, but we don't know yet. If they do find out it's cancer, they will start treating it quickly. I have no idea if I did a good job with this, but she seemed a bit happier. DD2 and DS seem content with the holding line, and I don't know that they'll ask so many questions when we do start to tell them more!

I would definitely want my kids to tell me about something like this when they are older, so that's a good way to reframe it re my DM - thank you.

P.S. apparently CRP is C reactive protein and it goes up when the body is fighting a bacterial infection. One bit of new knowledge for today

You did a good job. Indeed you did better than a good job. I think you’ve done brilliantly with what you said to DD1, especially as you got an unexpected question about cancer.

Is your DH allowed to visit? Or is he limited to coming in to wave at you and bring supplies?

Hope things continue to improve in the blood - what’s the earliest they’ll let you out?

It sounds like you did an amazing job with you DD. The perfect blend of honesty and positivity. I am so glad to hear that you have such a good support network in real life, your DM will want to know and once the news settles in it sounds like she will be a great support.

I am so sorry that you are so poorly. It sounds like you handled telling your daughter very well.

Glad to hear you are getting the care you need. We need to be careful we don't end up with a group of people more seriously ill than they need to be because of the focus on Covid. That is going to be just as damaging for resources.

I don't have anything helpful to say, unlike so many on this thread, but I have been following it and wanted to wish you well. xxx

Just dropping in to and to see how you're doing after your first day in hospital. Are you on IV fluids? I found they made a huge difference to how I was feeling (I was in a few weeks ago).

Hope you're doing ok

Thank you for all the lovely messages... honestly, I've felt like my posts have been such a torrent of self-pitying misery, so it is nice to know that they actually haven't come across that way!

Your posts are the absolute opposite of self-pitying misery! You come across as remarkably chipper in the circs! I agree that the hardest part of things like this is telling your loved ones, as you just know how worried they’ll be. You’re doing an amazing job keeping your DD in the loop in an age appropriate way. Love to you all