Ditherers Anonymous - Is there ever a right time?

[confuseddoiordonti]

A continuation from the previous two threads we have filled going round in circles about whether to have a baby, or whether never to have a baby... All insights and new recruits welcome!

(and those of you now with BFP's - don't you go sloping off leaving us for more decisive types!)

Definitions courtesy of Dr Honeypetal Sparklepants.

Dither: vb. def. The act of procrastination and delaying of coming to a decision regarding reproduction due to an attachment to lie-ins, working bowels and cheap holidays in term time.

Ditherer: n. def. One who is in a permanent state of flux regarding whether to procreate or not (see def. of babyometer). On the flick of a coin, may ultimately not reproduce, or bear triplets. Whatever. pl. A confusion of ditherers.

Babyometer: def. Semi-quantitative scale upon which an individuals current extent of dithering (i.e. desire to conceive) is measured, commonly red, amber or green, although reddy-amber, greeny-amber and reddy-ambery-green have been described (see def. Dithering). Caution is required during interpretation as measurement may change hourly.

Awesome

Lets get decision making.....

Please can I join? DD is 3 and I don't want a bigger age gap than 4 years so would have to get on the train this year....

Or am I too comfortable with the way things are to disrupt it all?

Hi Arses (if I may call you Arses...) and welcome!

So, it appears even those who have taken the plunge once already have similar dilemma's about doing it again?

Blimey.

See now I feel like a traitor to my conception thread, but I dither even though we aren't using contraception which kinda makes us actively trying....

dithers a bit more

You are among friends. I would like to say that the discussions we have been having since, ahem, August have made us come to conclusions but, alas, we just say the same things and go round in circles.

How long have you been actively trying?

I myself am not trying and nor can I come to a conslusion about trying or not trying - sometimes it seems like a wonderful idea and other times it seems akin to madness.

This made me laugh and laugh. Sadly I'm not a ditherer, I'm very much a crazycharterdon'tmissmyfertileperiod-er but none the less I may pop in for a giggle.

As you were...

can I join?

(was a bit scared to join the other threads but now there is a nice new one)

I am torn between:

(1) ...my logical and rational self (which I have always prided myself on) which says... why would anyone have a child? They totally mess up your life - sleep, money, body, etc.

(2) ...my less-rational, presumably-hormonal self (which has appeared in the past year or two) which says... children are gorgeous and fascinating and that child-parent love feeling is, apparently, amazing. And I kinda want one.

and then I see one having a tantrum and I'm
back at (1) again.

DH doesn't have the hormones that I seem to have and is still firmly in the "we have a nice life, why mess it up" camp. He says he does def want children at some point "but not yet". However, he does not deign to say when "yet" will arrive. Obviously this doesn't help with my own dithering.

Any advice?

We've been not-so-actively trying since about Feb but the first month was a bit of a fail cos I freaked out and made DH use condoms for a while . Then I got upset when AF arrived. Then I thought, if it happens then it happens and was okay about trying. But now we have stuff planned for August and I'm thinking 'do I really want to be pregnant now?' and I dither.

"sometimes it seems like a wonderful idea and other times it seems akin to madness. "

Very true. I was very broody Sunday because there was a gorgeous baby who was perfectly behaved, but experience tells me they're not like that all the time and I've done enough getting up in the night with other people's babies to know that I'll have to do that with my own EVERY night. But then I see that incredible bond and want one for my own...

So I dither even while trying!

Minipie hello! I think you have found your spiritual virtual home!

I am the same as you - on one hand I think why complicate my life when it's fine as it is, and then others I really want to have one. I read through some of the threads on Mumsnet and think 'yes, I want to do this' and then I read some of the other threads on Mumsnet and think 'they're all effing mad!'

My Dh is just as bad as me too which doesn't help.

I do think that being on MN in the first place is a bit of a giveaway but, saying that, I have been lurking here almost constantly since August and am no nearer to taking that plunge! Or, deciding not to take that plunge.

OMG, where have all these people come from?!? Look, I plumped the cushions and chucked out the empties at the end of the last thread, I ain't doing it again .

Welcome, all. I'm HoneyPetal. Don't be fooled by the name, I'm neither flower like or made from juice squeezed from a bees bum.

C - have the inlaws buggered off left yet? And how is the head?

And don't want to ignore YTDs last post on Thread-002, good to hear the scan went well, and hopefully there are no lasting aches from the car bump.

Cripes, I'm feeling very, very amber .

I am contemplating starting a thread to see if anyone else has encountered my spotting issue, but I would hate it if no-one posts a reply. If I do it, one of you has to reply to me, so I dont like a loser-no-friends-thread-starter.

Am at work for a while yet, what a shitty day I have had. Aggressive boss - check. Nasty email - check. Lost temper - check. Considering quitting - check.

Back later.

"..being on MN in the first place is a bit of a giveaway"

I agree. my DH says I need to "get off that bloody website" as he thinks its making me broody. I think it's the other way round.

I think both he and I are fairly sure we do want to have kids "at some point". I think we both like the idea of getting to age 50 or so having had them, IYSWIM. It's just the reality of actually getting pg and having a baby is so much more, er, real and scary and neither of us (especially him) can quite cope with that yet.

It doesn't help that at the moment we are both knackered from working long hours(really must stop MNing at work ), in the midst of buying a property, and can't quite imagine how we would cope with a child as well. (the reality of course being that work etc would have to give in some way).

Sorry bit of a train of thought post!

Clearly I have found my spiritual home... !

Sounds like you've had a grueller indeed. I have had an average bordering on shite kind of a day and now making a bride and groom out of Fimo in Indian costumes. It's not going brilliantly as I am tired but also need to crack on as the wedding is next Saturday.

I think a spotty thread is a wise move myself. If nobody does answer I go undercover and post you a reply (I'll let you know first if you like, so you don't get embroiled in a conversation with me as I will clearly show myself as not having a clue.)

Yes, the in-law's have buggered off. I am very glad, and DH, bless him, has been saying how lovely it was to have them here. My friend came up with the correct word for them and it's 'repressed'. They are indeed repressed. Repressed, repressed, repressed.

DH was also VERY brave and brought up the fact that his mum is deaf a bit hard of hearing. She apparently disagreed and said she couldn't hear due to background noise. Hmmm. DH shrugged at this (I wasn't there at the time but would have found it hard not to mention that she can't hear when there is NO background noise so this line of argument doesn't really stand up.)

Feel as if wittering on about non-dithering issues is a bit weird now we're on a new thread.

To newcomers, sorry to waffle on about unrelated matters! However, do feel free to do the same yourselves (it would make me feel better / less self obsessed if you did!)

Minipie how old are you? I am 35 (36 in Sept) and also like the idea of having been there and done that by the time I get to 50 or so (although leaving it a bit late for that) but don't want to take the plunge. I also read about people being glad they can get their lives back / have got over that stage with their toddlers and so on and think why on earth do I want to put myself through that? I must be bloody bonkers!

And then I read a thread that makes me want to jump on DH immediately!

This changes on an hourly basis, or close to.

FOUR??!

Blimey!

What was it that made you decide to have the first one? Was it anything in particular or have you always wanted one?

Four children?1? I get cold shivers down my spine knowing that, on the balance of probability, my body probably contains stored ova that MAY one day not be shed. Cripes.

Eh?

Eggs. Stored in ovaries. Waiting to be babies.

Freaks me out.

confused

I'm 30, so yeah in theory got a few years yet to dither. am thinking maybe in a year or two we might start TTC. that's sufficiently far off not to be scary (though who knows how I feel next year).

Ah, Should have guessed really.

Never really thought of the Confused and eggs thing - other people have them, of course, but not me.

Am eggless.

Urgh.

Minipie I guess you do have a while yes, or at least more than me. I have probably for ages too but do have, at the back of my head, that if there is a problem it'll be harder to sort out or be successful if I leave it till the last minute.

Best not to think about it. Its just TOO MUCH PRESSURE. If it helps, people in the olden days used to think that sperm already contained a teeny-tiny, fully formed baby, and all we did was incubate it to full size. Some nice gender politics, there.

I think my ovaries are possibly full of Malteasers. Or maybe Smarties.

I could really eat some Malteasers. Hope DH is cooking me a nice tea and has perhaps got in some vodka wine.

yep... but on the other hand you can't exactly go getting pg just to check there are no problems there.

tricky, isn't it.

I think it's a leap of faith really. We just have to trust all those people who say it's the best thing ever. They can't all be lying.

Oh, don't even get me started on age. Where does the time go? Oh yes, building a career, drinking, dancing and delaying important decisions until the very last possible moment.

ooh, my ovaries. not something I've ever really focused on I must admit.

Pregnancy freaks me out much more. It's like having your own cameo role in Alien.