Ditherers Anonymous - Is there ever a right time?

[confuseddoiordonti]

A continuation from the previous two threads we have filled going round in circles about whether to have a baby, or whether never to have a baby... All insights and new recruits welcome!

(and those of you now with BFP's - don't you go sloping off leaving us for more decisive types!)

Definitions courtesy of Dr Honeypetal Sparklepants.

Dither: vb. def. The act of procrastination and delaying of coming to a decision regarding reproduction due to an attachment to lie-ins, working bowels and cheap holidays in term time.

Ditherer: n. def. One who is in a permanent state of flux regarding whether to procreate or not (see def. of babyometer). On the flick of a coin, may ultimately not reproduce, or bear triplets. Whatever. pl. A confusion of ditherers.

Babyometer: def. Semi-quantitative scale upon which an individuals current extent of dithering (i.e. desire to conceive) is measured, commonly red, amber or green, although reddy-amber, greeny-amber and reddy-ambery-green have been described (see def. Dithering). Caution is required during interpretation as measurement may change hourly.

Hi all. Long time listener, first time caller here. Very happy to have found this thread.

My truly DH married me knowing that I was very reluctant to have children but after a few years together I have come to realise that, actually, he would be a great Dad and I would like to find a way to want to have a child with him.

My main reasons for holding back are that I would be a crap mother (my own had many issues and possibly might have been better off childless) and that I am pretty terrified of giving birth! There are many other reasons, similar to others mentioned in this thread, but those are the big ones...

Amanda we are both self-employed and would need to both keep working and share childcare - no other way round it really. We both work in fields where you're only as good as the last thing you made and you fall off people's radars very quickly if you're out of the game!

On the plus side, I could (if I wanted) have pink hair and wear sandals to work, on the minus side, no maternity pay, and no job to go back to unless you do somehow keep it going whilst jiggling a baby! ho hum.

Im soooooo excited at all the new people turning up (although as I said at the end of the last thread, I wouldnt wish being a ditherer on anyone). Still sending big love out to the established dithering peeps, of course (LST, hope things are improving DH-wise, and I seriously can't wait to find out how many you are cooking).

Hello all. Cant write too much as am at work, but after yesterdays Day of Hate, am feeling like flicking the Vs to all and sundry and fecking off outta here to sit in a beer garden.

Still no replies on my spotting thread. I feel shunned and a freak of nature

Havingamaybe I bet you wouldn't be a crap mother. At least you've got your eyes open and a sense of what you don't want to happen. I know lots of people who's own parenting was woeful (not saying yours was!) who are brilliant parents themselves. Great that you know your DP would be a great dad too.

Hi Quodlibert. Maybe I would be ok, and certainly having a husband who is caring and comes from the most (annoyingly) stable family would help, but who knows until you've had the baby?

If only he could give birth (sigh).

It's like someone else said somewhere back upthread - there's no middle ground. It's child or no child.

Honeypetal - sorry, I've got nothing for you!

Morning all,

Had to go last night as DH and I were having a bit of a gloomy one (not with each other) and it wasn't right to stay glued to my laptop.

We are so desperate to move it's untrue - the house has only been on for two and a half months but it feels like forever. Plus, my job is due to finish at the end of June and his work has dried up and WE ARE SICK OF BEING SKINT.

Grumble grumble.

There is someone doing a house up a few doors up from us who bought the house in a similar state to the one we are hopefully buying and I am SO envious!

I was also reading a write up on the place we're moving to which includes "the fourth funkiest place in the world by British Airways Highlife magazine and was described as "modern and stylish in an unconventional and stylish way"

"cool liberal credentials and is stacked with organic cafes, delis and well supported independent local shops. In fact the town's official motto is 'a town for great little shops'. A recent survey by the New Economics Foundation (NEF) found it has the best range of locally owned shops in the UK, making us the leading anti-clone town."

and lastly "Much of the town?s charm comes from the way in which former industrial buildings of the textile trade have been put to new uses. Many are now occupied by artists, musicians and other creative people, drawn to the area because it successfully blends rural and urban living. Ten minutes from the town centre and you can be walking alone by the river in one of the many wooded valleys. Half an hour?s walk uphill and you can be in open moorland."

Add to this we will be MASSIVELY better off - which is the main thing - and you can see why we were having a gloom! It's not been long on the market but it feels like it, especially with more offers. However, we have reduced the price by a bit (not much but it might make a difference all the same) and I am hoping this will help.

Sorry to all those who don't know what I am on about! The last thread got very broad (even hard-core ditherers need to go off subject some time) and it seems a bit weird to be hijacking this thread with my more personal stuff rather than just baby related dilemmas but I am not sure what else to add!

However, it's lovely to have some newbies to add to us oldies (by name only of couse!) #

LST is your scan at the end of next week? Are you having any pregnancy symptoms yet? Maybe you'll be one of those annoying people who breeze through the whole thing - here's hoping!

YTD glad to hear the kitche is close to finished. It was hellish when we were doing the damproofing in ours - 6 weeks of washing up in the bath, dust and an obstacle course where the dining table and chairs used to be. Shudder!

I think this post has gone on for long enough and there have been too many for me to respond to while sneakily posting at work on reduced screen. However, will be on and off all day so hopefully see you all, or some of you, later!

Sorry, I meant NO more offers!

Care to join me in the beer garden, its lovely here!

I can totally see why you are down in the dumps about the moving situation, you made the decision a long time ago and are now hanging around waiting for it all to happen. I think its great that the place you are moving to is rated so highly - that shows what a good judge of location you are. All you can do is keep screaming at the estate agents to do their jobs until they get so sick of you that they are desperate to get your house off their books. Its a fact that the housing market has collapsed, but the house will sell itself to the right person. And once you get an offer, you can start moving things along. Before you know it, you will be up to your ears in dust, muck and chaos, like YTD!

I know what its like to feel like everything is on hold - I think someone pressed 'pause' on my life a few years ago.

Amanda "I can't imagine that DH's life would adjust at all much if we had one. Not that you'd think so from his outright horror at the idea. DH wants to remain childless and own a series of expensive sports cars ."

Oh I recognise this one. DH's mantra is "do we really have to have a child, can't we get an Aston Martin instead". I hope think he is joking.

confused ooh am curious now as to where you are moving to. am guessing hmmm bristol maybe? sounds lovely anyway! DH and I are in the process of buying somewhere and I'm quite excited.

Qoudlibert I would love to be in a position where DH and I could both keep working and share the childcare. sadly our current hours are so long that either one or both of us is going to have to go p/t or move jobs post-DC. Financially it makes much more sense for only one or us to do that rather than both, and realistically it's going to be me as he earns much more than me (which actually annoys me quite a lot! is that strange?)

YTD and LST congratulations to you both.
Make sure you come back post-birth and tell us the TRUTH about whether it's all worth it or not. Promise?

Nah personal dilemmas are all related to the baby stuff... You want to be in a good place before you have a baby! I know our location is a major dither factor, as is my career (or non-career aas it is at the moment), DHs career, the next posting and the '10 year plan'.

Minipie funny you say Bristol as that's where we are at the moment! Are you in Bristol then...? I guess the stuff I posted could be relevant to Gloucester Road (if you know Bristol and, indeed, Gloucs Road.) Am all curious now!

Aw fuck it, I'm bound to mention it at some point so this is where we're off to

HP - cheers! You're right, it's like 'Pause' has been pressed and I just want to get on with things now.

Frakkit I guess things that aren't immediately related to babies may be in the long term, yes. It does make me wonder if, once we are in new house and solvent, we will feel a lot more green about things. I know DH has suggested this, and I sometimes think so too.

confused Well I sure as hell know I'd feel more green if we weren't here right now! Am clearly projecting all my angst onto you.

It goes in cycles to an extent - one goes red and we're all off! One goes green and - oh oh!

Is anyone doing any work today...?!

It's certainly not working weather!

Im doing a western blot (protein detection). Probably wont work . Im sat looking longingly at the sunshine streaming in through the windows.....

I'm determindely not writing a comparative analysis nor am I doing lesson plans/evaluations. They don't exist. Or will do themselves.

But then I'm not in the UK so the sunshine isn't so much a novelty as normal. I blame the fact it's Friday.

What do you do, honeypetal?!

I'm a research scientist. Or, I try to be

frakkit where are you?

Indian Ocean - near Mauritius.

No, it's not all it's cracked up to be!

frakkit

confused nope, I'm in London. Not really sure why I said Bristol but clearly my mind reading wires got a little crossed...

I'm supposed to be writing a long letter to a client [yawn]

Do people generally feel that this is a good, positive stage in their lives, out of interest?

I often feel like I'm playing one of those Simulation games, like Sim City in real time, where I haven't got any money to get on with the fun of constructing industrial estates or power stations, and I'd like to put life on fast forward while I go and have my tea, or use a cheat. And when I get back, I'll be able to play the next bit.

Of course having a baby is not the answer, because then it would be like not even being able to play the game at all, because a small child keeps vomiting on me and screaming "muuuuum! muuum! muuum! mummy! mummy! mummy!" right in my ear - so that I can't even get myself dressed, never mind turn my laptop on.

Do you mean mean in terms of feeling a bit like you'd just rather skim-read this bit and get to the exciting part?
Cos I definitely have that big-style. And of course in hindsight I bet I'll be looking at this lovely relaxed time in my life when I could sleep in/drink wine/please myself as much as I like and think 'why the diddle was I wishing that away?

Yes that's exactly it - I'm relieved somebody said they knew what I meant, I thought it might be one of those posts where there's just a long silence and then someone starts talking about interior furnishings.

I think I've just spent my life up to now at a crazy pace going Next Step, Next Step, Next Step - and suddenly life has skidded to a halt. There's nowhere to go professionally at the moment, I'm just slowly paying off debt going to work every day, going home and tidying up, ironing my work clothes and going to bed.

Is the next step children, or would that just consign me to more of the same for the rest of my life?

No, I have to say (and may have mentioned this before!) that in general this is a crap, rubbish time of my life. The amount of pressure and big decisions to make dont sit well with me. I feel like Im trying to fit too much into to short an amount of time - buying a house, deciding where to live, next step of my career and of course, babies. Whilst not knowing if I want any of this....

In lighter news - two people have replied to my spotting post! Hurrah! No-one seems to have follicular phase spotting though, its all luteal.

Oh god what if this is it for my life now and the only way to inject some meaning into it is to have a child, but through all my dithering I rule that out completely? What's wrong with me today? I must be ovulating or something -lol.

Helloooo!

I have some fab news - WE'VE SOLD THE HOUSE!!

Thank buggery fuck for that!

Off to celebrate. Will require flat lemonade etc tomorrow no doubt.