Ditherers Anonymous - Is there ever a right time?

[confuseddoiordonti]

A continuation from the previous two threads we have filled going round in circles about whether to have a baby, or whether never to have a baby... All insights and new recruits welcome!

(and those of you now with BFP's - don't you go sloping off leaving us for more decisive types!)

Definitions courtesy of Dr Honeypetal Sparklepants.

Dither: vb. def. The act of procrastination and delaying of coming to a decision regarding reproduction due to an attachment to lie-ins, working bowels and cheap holidays in term time.

Ditherer: n. def. One who is in a permanent state of flux regarding whether to procreate or not (see def. of babyometer). On the flick of a coin, may ultimately not reproduce, or bear triplets. Whatever. pl. A confusion of ditherers.

Babyometer: def. Semi-quantitative scale upon which an individuals current extent of dithering (i.e. desire to conceive) is measured, commonly red, amber or green, although reddy-amber, greeny-amber and reddy-ambery-green have been described (see def. Dithering). Caution is required during interpretation as measurement may change hourly.

Hi Amanda, I think calling me a graduate is a bit scary really. It is more like we have made The Decision and now need to see what happens. I am kind of green and kind of red, so situation normal really. As I have been red / amber / green etc for close on two years it was getting ridiculous. Plus, now there is nothing stopping us, well not like before, so we thought better now instead of leaving it another 12 months (as 37 in Sept.)
DH is indeed very enthusiastic which is also a nice-ish combination of lovely (and quite sexy) and scary.
As we have no idea how long it will take we thought starting now would be a good idea but I doubt I'll be leaving you lot to hang around some of the 2WW or conception threads (bloody hell, not even LST and YTD do that!)

Hello radio silence, I have changed my name slightly as the old one wasn't as appropriate any more.
I am having a small freak out - this all still seems very surreal and I'm not even pg! Something I have been reading about, mostly on MN but on other sites too, is now a lot closer to home - or I hope it to eventually be - and its quite, erm, odd. Before getting pregnant was something that other people did, and I had nothing other than a distant interest. But now I am actively trying to join that club, and that does indeed seem very weird (I also still feel like a teenager and not nearly grown up enough for such things.)
I have not been that conscientious with marking days of cycles (ie I don't and never have, each month takes me slightly by surprise) but think that the last few days may have been the days to do it this month. I realise it generally takes longer than a month to get the, eeek, BFP but I suppose you never know!
On the plus side, getting a result this soon would certainly make my side of moving house easier (I am actually pretty crap at heavy lifting anyway though and would probably be asked to stay out the way regardless) and it would also focus the mind somewhat when it comes to sorting the new house out (a job and a half - the whole house needs major work right down to the plastering and electrics!)

I'm hoping that if DH and I ever do decide to go for it, we'll get one month where even though we shag loads at the right time, it doesn't happen, just so that we can review and see how we feel about it. Probably sheer panic that puts us back to square one!

DH and I are toying with the idea of starting in July, but only very vaguely. The pressure of work and the possibility that we will want to make other life changes instead like starting a business and/or relocating loom large.

Darlink C, I know we have been talking about this all week but I wanted to post my congratumalations and hurrahs on the Big Decision formally on the thread, as it were.

And here you are, doing very well with only a tiny freak out to address! You have managed a whole week of actively getting on with it and haven't changed your mind yet - that must surely be some sort of record?!? I bet even hard core baby-dusting, baby-dancing TTCers have little wobbles every few days weeks, right? Its a huge step for anyone, let alone someone like us

If it happens this month, it happens, if it doesn't, many, many more months left in the calendar. I'm pretty certain that if you are a relaxed kind of gal, counting days from the start may just stress you out and making it all seem really formal instead of fun. Saying that, I really miss my temp charts since being back on the pill, I loved those graphs Ah well, plenty of time to grow huge explosive cysts in the future.

I went into a baby shop yesterday to get a wee thing for DithererBabyII, who I'm hopefully meeting soon, I tell you, if you want to feel green spend ten minutes looking at tiny clothes. DH almost had to physically drag me out. Then a baby started crying so I left with a light heart (tee hee).

Hi Amanda, hope alls well. July is quite soon, but look, if C can decide to go for it that should be inspiration enough for anyone!

As for me....no chance of a decision for ages yet, too much on my plate to give it head space. I reckon it will be years away yet. Talk about playing chicken with Mother Nature.....

Wow C. So this is it - you are officially TTC! I agree with HP, don't start counting and temping yet - it really does just add pressure. Enjoy a few months of letting nature take its course and see what happens. And you don't really need to monitor the signs anyway. I found that when I was keeping score, my most fertile days tended to co-incide with me feeling pretty fruity anyway - we are pretty well designed to be up for it at the optimum time.

I am so thrilled that things are starting to move on for you. Hopefully we'll be toasting the arrival of our DithererBaby from the North next year.

Amanda there is every likelihood that you will get a chance to reassess after a month f TTC (or NPP if you prefer). I know my view is probably coloured by the fact it took DH and I ages, but it doea take an average of 6 months to conceive so, whilst you have to be prepared for the possibility of conception from the off, the actually likeihood of it happening is not that high. Families can't actually be planned with that must precision. Which is pretty good preparation for actually having a baby, where you can plan to do nothing, as all your time and effort and energy is consumed entirely by the new little person at the centre of your world.

Having said all that, the possibility, however remote, when you are all of a dither, can be v worrying. I am now a bit worried that my blithe, throw caution to the wind approach to the resumption of marital relations, could have been an error and actually another baby this soon would be utter madness. I know the chances are slim, but it could still happen and, despite my Von Trappishness, I don't want to be pregnant again for a goodly long time.

HP, I'm pleased to see a small flicker of green at the sight of Little White Vests and their ilk. Give DithererBabyII a huge hug from me when you see her (and another one for her fab mum). I know I've dropped off the email loop and so have not been much support off late, but I am thinking of you and hope that your plate isn't too full.

Right, best get myself to bed. My wonderful daughter has been asleep for the past 2 1/2 hours and, if I'm going to be as bright eyed and bushy tailed as she is likely to be at 5.00am tomorrow, then I need to get some shut eye.

Hi HP nice to hear from you. I'm not convinced those hard core baby-dusting, baby-dancing TTCers ever do have any moments of doubt! If they do they keep pretty quiet about it!

July is soon, but bearing in mind it was originally supposed to be November, and then December, and then March...

How are you now? Are you busy with work?

we xposted.

YTD I have a real worry that once DH comes round to the idea (not entirely sure that he will but the signs are good) I will unleash my inner ditherer and start stalling. A month of trying but not succeeding would give me some information about how I really feel about it but it's a bit of a risky exercise!

I suppose I could try buying lots of very small baby clothes and keeping them in the spare room and every time I feel a bit red I could go and frolic about in there until I was green again...

Confused hurrah for you! A decision! Acted upon! You are truly a guiding light for us all.

AC that baby clothes idea is the best I have ever heard and made me snort tea through my nose.

Hello all,
I had a quick check this morning and saw all these shiny new posts - lovely!
So, this TTC lark. It's a whole new world. I am starting to understand why the baby-dusters get so obsessed with symptom spotting a mere two days after shagging and such like even though it's totally frigging ridiculous. I am not there quite yet, but am guessing that it will be very hard not to around the time I am due to have a period. For example, yesterday we went out with the dog and I felt really tired, abnormally so. Normally this would not be given a second thought but now - well! It must clearly, obviously, be A Symptom. I am guessing that anything that could even vaguely be considered one, however subtle, will leap to the forefront of my mind and take on epic significance. (Rather like when I forgot my pill when we went away and then felt all weird a few weeks later - turned out to be a UTI but I was convinced it was something rather more scary exciting.) Another thing I am realising is that every shag, so far in these early days, has made me wonder at the end if 'this is It.' This is quite weird too, but not unpleasantly so. Perhaps the novelty will wear off on that front soon enough, but I guess it's hard to have sex with intent after 20 years of doing the opposite.

DH is now reading his book on Fatherhood and is very excited about the prospect, lots of talking about how he is looking forward to making toys for he/she (he is a toy designer.) To be honest, he is more openly animated than me although I do tend to keep my reservations to myself as I may start talking myself out of it otherwise and be back where we started.

We have decided not to tell anyone we are thinking, sorry planning, to have a child as, we saw from various friends who did announce they were 'on the case', people are constantly guessing whether you are pregnant all the time. And as for the charting, temping or using ovulation sticks, I can't see us going down that route at all. (At least I am saying that now, in month 1.) I would imagine that that would add an unpleasant formality to the whole thing. A friend of DH's once had his wife (unpleasant woman anyway) calling him constantly on a blokey weekend away to check he wasn't drinking (which, of course, he was) as it would affect his sperm count. The same woman also called and summoned him home from work a few times as the temp / chart / whatever said she needed to be bonked immediately. Personally, I don't think I can think of anything worse! And I think DH would say the same.

A link to the book on Fatherhood? Confused are you advertising ttc???

Eh?

No. I am showing a link of the book that I bought DH.

Lol Confused I am only joking x

As for 'advertising' TTC, I can say this much - the novelty may wear off soon, but it does add a whole new dimension to things, this shagging with intent malarkey.

C - if you do get to the stage of wanting to use ovulation sticks let me know - I've got a stash of them in a drawer! I found making graphs preferable to peeing on a stick, but keep away from the monitoring madness for as long as you can, it does take the fun out of the whole thing.

YTD - thanks. The novelty is still very much there, at the moment. It's something I have half considered already due to this rather than due to having much of a 'need' to (yet.) As I have probably said half a dozen times at least, it's a whole new world this TTC business. I keep reading about stuff like CM (or Pant Snot as I have heard it called, and prefer to refer to it as myself) and thinking that I haven't the foggiest what mine is like, or ever has been like ever! Hence, I might give you a shout re the sticks to wee on...!

Hello all.

Hope you don't mind me coming onto your thread, but reading this, i can all see where you are coming from.
Just a quick note to introduce myself beforehand, I am a 24 yr old newlywed. Have been toting with the idea of ttc for a couple of months now. I've been married for 5 weeks now, but me and DH have been together for just over a year (yes, we were quick off the Mark lol). DH already had a 4 yr old daughter.

Basically I have green and red days about the whole idea. Mostly, that financially at the moment (and for most of the year), we aren't in the best place. It's not going to be really until the following year, when we'll be in better place financially. I am also quite overweight at the moment and really do want to get into shape beforehand, I know that getting pregnant at the moment would mean I would be classed as high risk and I would have the added risk of complications (I am a midwife myself), which I don't want. Also, being 24, I do have plenty of time really and feel that maybe DH and myself should try and enjoy life (am not saying that babies ruin your life, just they do take some freedom away) and have some nice holidays, save for a house etc.

The other side of me says, well is there a right time? If we were to have a baby soon, we'd have lots of help from family and friends. I also feel that in a way I am saying yes let's go for it, as I came off the pill in January and we aren't using any other form of contraception. So whilst we aren't actively ttcing, we are NPP.

I'm just worried that if I do fall pregnant within the next few months, I'll have a complete freak out about it.
So, yes I am completely dithering! If you knew me in real life, then this would come as know surprise, I'm not great at coming to a decision!

Hello,
My 'threads I am on' didn't come up with this one when I looked on my phone so I have only just seen there is a new post.
I think that your reasons to have a babyand not to have a baby are very similar to the rest of us. I know people say that there is never a right time, where everything is totally perfect, but I also think that at 24 you have time on your side, which is a BIG bonus!
When I was 24 the last thing on earth I would have wanted was a baby, although now I feel as if I 'might as well' (no overwhelming urges from me I'm afraid!) as it's now or never (am 37 in Sept.) My mum also says that if you wait until you can afford it, you'll be far too old by the time you can.
Personally, at 24 I'd be too busy staying up all night et al, but this doesn't appear to be the case with you and your DH.
Perhaps if you did fall pregnant, it would actually be a lot less scary than you think....? I say this as Cowboylover a former ditherer, had 'an accident' and is now 20-something weeks and delighted.
Hmmm, I have been no help at all really have I? Sorry!

Confusedforever - just been reading your post above, and this thread and think you, and everyone is on here, is brilliant! I've found my spiritual home!

I too have been a-dithering for a while now. DH is all for, while I have been umming and ahhing, pro-ing and conn-ing ad nauseum.

Well, like you, this month we have officially joined the TTC club (although I'm still wavering - a bad case of ditheritis? - but secretly of course...).

And yes, I hear you about The Symptoms. Tired? Tummy pains? Slight nausea? Oooh, I must be PG! Or am I just imagining it..? And the sex with intent! After so many years of avoiding TTC, well, quite frankly, it feels bizarre.

Oh, I'm so glad I found this thread.

BTW, just re-read my post and would like to add, I am really happy I've finally taken the plunge...

Or, am I?

Ahhh!

Aha!
This needs to be quick as I am off out soon. However, am realising that it is quite hard to pin down the right time to shag with intent. Last month didn't work (that was month 1) and this month aint going to work either as we are both away. So, month 2 is down the drain too. Month 3 - we have family staying so rampant shags on the kitchen table, or anywhere else for that matter, are highly unlikely so then we are in May.
I do realise that these things take a while anyway, even if you don't have travel issues or a house full of family, but I'd really like to get cracking now before I change my mind (again.)
Have to shoot now but hopefully back later (hello newcomers!)

Confused that is very defeatist! Get thee a medicine syringe and a mooncup and hie thee to the bathroom at once!

Nicknat87 and Poulette welcome to the thread! Nicknat it is useful to have a midwife in our midst, perhaps you can help us with some of our dithering causes! I have to second confused you are young for a ditherer. It seems to be an affliction that isn't diagnosed until a lady is of advancing years! I'd get in there and get updiffed before The Fear really takes a hold of you!

Poulette congratulations on starting trying! It must be weird after you first SWI thinking is this it, has it happened?! How are you bearing up?

Hello all!! Zara1984 here from, errrr quite a few posts earlier in this thread. Pleased (or perhaps embarassed!) to report that DH and I are still dithering nicely. Not even remotely close to the stage some of you are at - heavens, picking a month when to start TTC! Very well done to all who are PG or TTC. I congratulate you for your firm decision-making!! :)

Excellent tips from all including the suggestion of staging it. However we decided (when my last batch of pills ran out) that moving to rubber johnnies wasn't what we wanted (purely for err.... enjoyment reasons!). We decided we're either TTC or we're not. The mental torture/guessing/wishing we both do if I'm even one day late when not on the Pill is really unproductive. So I'm still on the pill. I don't really have an answer to the questions of "why the bloody hell don't you just get on with it?!". I am back posting today because after some close friends announced they were having a baby on the weekend it lead to massive upset/jealousy/frustration/aaaaaarrrghhh we so want a child, what are we doing-itis. Both of us in floods of tears about it... why can't we just get it together!??

The only productive plan we have right now is to pay off my New Zealand student loan (about £30k, when converted). Ploughing all my salary and a fair chunk of our savings into doing it, to get rid of it in about a year. At least then one of my niggling dither-inducing reasons will be removed (plus it's financially sensible - NZ student loans are not friendly creatures at 6.6% interest). Does that make me less hopeless???? Please oh wise MNers... help this helpless fool....

Ha ha Zara you and your DH sound er... quite mad! At least the two of you are on the same page!

Am just sneaking back into this thread, hopefully below the radar of all the kind people who have been cheering me on to start TTC next cycle - because I have a job interview, which pretty much puts TTC on the backburner. I'm trying not to think about our TTC plans and whether DH is going to have an eleventh hour reprieve!

Yes DH and I are quite, quite mad Amanda!! I'm sure everyone we know can't work out why we don't have children already - we've been together longer than anyone else we know (9 years), married 3, are both ridiculously responsible, organised, frugal and were past the boozy nights/out ever Friday phase.... about 5 years ago! I do think that paying off my student loan beforehand is a wise idea. I can have a fiscal prudency baby before a real baby! (That sounds way worse typed out than in my head.....)

Best of luck with your job interview. Just take the day of the interview as it comes, and put thoughts of TTC out of your mind for that day! Trust your gut! :) :)