30s TTC - Butterdish Smashing World Record Attempt

[PollyPoo]

Line up, line up for the world record attempt for most dropped butterdishes per fred.

The bar is here, along with squishy sofas, some fluffy beanbags, low lighting, and most important of all, free booze.

I have installed some naked waiters (Morgan from being human, together with Russell Howard) - they have trays of champagne cocktails that can never run out, so dig in laydeez and lets make this a fred to remember.

I can remember the exact moment I decided I wanted kids. I was on the bus to university and there was a baby with the biggest blue eyes I've ever seen sat in front, turning to look at me. I was transfixed the whole way and decided I wanted one.

Seeing my nephews has just reinforced it. The way they would look at my s-i-l and brother with such pure love and innocence. It's probably horribly selfish, but I want someone to look at me like that.

I've felt a bit sick all evening - am I allowed to progress to Teh Menkul? (Only DPO5! )

My Mum has a phobia about Braveheart. Can't mention the name around her (not that it comes up in convo a lot, mind). More specifically, she has a phobia about the idea of torture, so watching the end of it was a barrel of laughs for her

Just watched five mins of Alexander (DMTH is over, thank fuck). Didn't know they had Oirish accents in ancient Macedonia, but you learn something new everyday

You are Queen of Menkulism Scorps

Have given up on ER, realised there's a major baby dying storyline and cannot take that. Sex and the City it is.

Cockrobin, who is the one who is going to carry the child - you or the ladywife? Cos I presumed it's you, seeing as you're on here, but then your last post made it sound like it's her. Confuzzled!

Am now menkulling it cos haven't got insanely painful post-ov norks as per usual (famous last words ahoy!). So am now worrying that this somehow means a) I didn't ovulate properly (despite OPKs and temping and my own body saying I did) and b) I can't be diffed, as everyone says painful tits is the first sign whilst - whilst! - simultaneously wondering of the lack of usual suffering means I am diffed.

Just trying to hold onto my title as Queen of Menkulism

They're starting to tingle now. FOOL.

morning my lovelies!

Wow, Scorchio, does your Menkul increase throughout the 2WOOFL (1WOOFL?), because if it does, I'm starting to worry for your menkul health...

In answer to your question, we thought we'd both carry the baybeee. We'll swap over around 4 and a half months. Fair's fair and all that.

But seriously, ladywife was going to carry, cos I've never had an interest in being preggers, but always wanted a baybee.

By the way, just in case you think I don't qualify for the BESH badge because I am a jizz-free zone, I just wanted to let you know that I am waaaayyy more menkul than she is when we're on the 2WOOFL and am as bitter as you can get about not having won yet.

Anyway, for the last few months we've been talking about the possibility of me getting diffed. A concept I find hilarious (if a little scary).

Hello

Was wondering if I could join you even though I havent got a clue what your all saying. I'm 30 and been ttc for 3 months and need all the help I can get (who knew it could get so boring).

Hello robbieswife. I'm only a new impostor myself and am gradually getting to the bottom of what these freakish, violent, molesting laydeez are saying. You will have to pass an initiation test I warn you.

So CockD at the moment is it you or your wifee? And if you don't mind me asking, where are you getting the jizz? Tell me to get stuffed and mind my own business if you like. It's just I've never met anyone in the same situation.

OH GOD I'M SO MISERABLE THIS MORNING.

Ahem. Sorry, morning everyone! Medee, how's tricks?

Cockswerver, is all most interesting. I like that your 2WOOFL menkulism is worse than the missus'! Reminds me of an episode of House where this bloke got so involved in his wife's diffment that he went into labour. Was a scream.

Scorpie that's some menkul. I totally feel for your tits you. I managed to convince myself I could actually FEEL implantation last month .

Meanwhile, not even the Glee version of Sweet Caroline is cheering me up.

What's wrong Headbanger? Do you need a mean nipple tweak?

I am going back to work tomorrow. Oh god. Now that's a scary thought.

Oh Muse. I don't know. Just that awful crushing existential unease where everything and everyone is all bollocks and you want to run away with someone unsuitable and gaze at each other despairingly over a bottle of whisky in some out-of-town bar. I think the thought of motherhood might be making me twitchy.

Which, given how bloody stoic and generally champion you've been, is obviously appallingly selfish and self-regarding.

Don't blame you for dreading work - but I bet you fifty squids come 11am you'll feel relieved to be back to a lickle wee bit of normalcy. And what a blessing that you know your boss has been rooting for you. I vote you have MN on your screen from the minute you get in, so we can buck you up throughout.

I am only being stoic online, in reality I would quite like to run away too. I hate that general feeling of shitness. Sundays are terrible for it anyway. I prescribe a walk in the sunshine and a big piece of cake.

I may go and kill MrM. I think he's gone back to his computer game when he's meant to be hoovering. Meanwhile I'm blitzing the bedroom. Bah.

I found the test for you robbieswife. Although I think another question might've been added, but I'm too lazy to look for that version. Someone who can remember it can add it.

THE BESHTEST

1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes')

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use:
   a) weewee
   b) poopoo
   c) foofoo
   d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you:
   a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway.
   b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

5. Is R2D2:
   a) an adorable robot from Star Wars.
   b) the source of all evil.

6. what colour are your walls?

7. Number of pets?

8. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?

9. Lesbian crush?

10. What are your views on camping?

11. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?
    i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
    ii) Over 100 quid
    iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

Hope all goes well with going back to work Muser. Be kind to yourself and don't push yourself to do more than you're ready for.

Headbanger have you found a more cheerful place or do you need gin?

I think I'm getting the hang of 2WOOFLing properly this month. Signs generally say I ovulated which is reassuring, and I now have boobs that are more painful than they have been the last two months. Kind of the opposite of Scorps really, but I'm hoping that different from usual = diffed, whichever direction it's in. I keep swinging between feeling that I'm clearly pregnant and telling myself not to be so silly.

This is where I start to see the attraction of POAS at the earliest possible opportunity, but my rational(ish) brain says that if I ever have a chemical pregnancy then I don't want to know about it (ignorance is bliss and all that), and the later I leave POAS the more likely it is to be OK. Does that make any sense? Or is it just another sign of the menkul?

makes perfect sense, Ocarina. When is your period due?

not for ages yet, although given I seemingly ovulated loads earlier this cycle who knows.... It would be a week on Friday if this was a 28 day cycle like the last one. So plenty of time for menkulness.

Aries what do you mean where am I getting the jizz from? You mean all these years of having 'special cuddles' with the missis are not going to bring us a baybee? No-one mentioned this before....

No really, a good mate of ours produces JIAP whenever we request it. He's the only person I would trust enough to do this with and he'll have no rights cos the law's changed so me and missis will be on the birth cert cos we're wedded. All we need is a feckin birth to register!

How's the sore buzwams situations Scrappy and OK!?

Am loads cheerfuller ox, fanks ever so. Did loads and loads of study today so feel all fulfilled and happy. Plus, the world I'm making up is LOADS more fun than this one.

Plus, I just found an episode of Glee I hadn't watched online.

Ooooh, mega ovulation = good sign.

cocky buzwams is now the word du jour, as far as I am concerned. BUZWAMS BUZWAMS! BUZWAMS!

Ok, I am officialy freaked out by the idea of going back to work tomorrow. Excuse this self-centred post, but aaargh.

1. People will say it's good to see me and am I ok. This may make me cry.

1. People will give me work to do. This may make me cry.

1. What the fuck am I meant to say to people? I have been off for THREE WEEKS. They may ask what was wrong.

1. Going back is like saying none of this ever happened and I don't want to do that.

1. If the first pregnancy had worked out I'd probably be having my 12 week scan around now and be all excited and shit.

I don't want any more time off, but I also don't want to go back. Aaaargh.

Oh Muse.

would it help even a tiny tiny bit if I said that what with one thing and another, having a bit of a cry tomorrow is quite probable, but that's not necessarily a bad thing? People rarely if ever notice, and if they do, they're usually pretty sweet and discreet about it.

People also are awfully British about this sort of thing, and you might be surprised how few people actually ask what was wrong. Not because they don't care, but because they wouldn't want to pry.

Point 5 is just horrible and I don't think much can help that, I must say. Really REALLY feel for you, hon.

totally agree with headboardbanger on this one.

Plus, you gotta remember that if you wake up in the morn and you think you can't go back just yet, that's ok too.

I hope they're kind to you, but not so kind as to make you cry .

You're probably right about the English thing, I bet everyone is just vague and says not much. Which might be even worse. I can't decide if it's worse for people to ask, or not to ask and make me think it's some big shaming thing.

It probably will all be fine. I just wish this wasn't happening to me. I am so angry about how unfair it all is. And then I get angry about all the unfairness other people on this thread have to deal with. It makes me want to get all Hulk! Smash!

You're right, it's not fair. But one thing it's definitely not is shaming. Other people certainly won't be thinking that if they don't ask (how could they think that if they don't know why you were off), they'd be exactly the same if it was appendicitis or something. Definitely the Englishness showing through.

I'd go armed with tissues and waterproof mascara, on the basis that the better prepared you are the less likely you are to need them. And maybe some plates to smash somewhere if it all gets too much (although that might get some questions asked!)

And Cocky's right, if you wake up in the morning and can't face it, that's OK.

Muser Is all horrid. Please to remember that no one will expect you to go back all bright and cheery and lalalalalala, even if they don't know what's wrong - after all, nobody has three weeks off work for a stubbed toe, or something equivalently minor.

And if it all gets too much, you can always go home.