30s TTC - Butterdish Smashing World Record Attempt

[PollyPoo]

Line up, line up for the world record attempt for most dropped butterdishes per fred.

The bar is here, along with squishy sofas, some fluffy beanbags, low lighting, and most important of all, free booze.

I have installed some naked waiters (Morgan from being human, together with Russell Howard) - they have trays of champagne cocktails that can never run out, so dig in laydeez and lets make this a fred to remember.

Hi

Can I join your ranks? Again. I popped in a month or so ago when I had a moment of huge menkulness by POAS when I was still taking the pill!

Well, I'm now off the pill and need somewhere to hang out. I feel a bit "bogus" though because many of you are long time TTC'er with all the associated nastiness.

But to make my case and apply I would like to hang out here because:

1. Am an old hag at closer to 40 than 30.
2. Am the type to book ELCS, swig red wine and eat brie throughout rather than have a hypno-birthing home waterbirth which I fear I may encounter eleswhere...

So, can I join, can I?
BB

Oh my God, Cho! I am so INNOCENT!!

Please don't tell me any more rude words or I'll either have those computer police banging down the door, or I'll be reduced to a gibbering mess from all these disturbing images!

Mmmmm... Not sure how you'd tell if I was more of a gibbering mess than I am already...

I'm off now to go paint my pretty picket fence and wash the Mondeo on the drive.

Hi BB, have you passed the initiation test yet?

If not, someone will be along in a minute to torture question you as to your motives.

For now, welcome!!

Yes Cocky, there are threads for the likes of you elsewhere on here...see above

Hello BrassyTart, and welcome...there is a questionnaire for new types around here, that you will need to complete and submit for scrutiny...

... WE GOT A NEW CUSTOMER....CAN ANYONE FIND THE QUESTION FORMS....? (Can you tell I once worked for the Caaaahncil?)

Right - just take a seat over there love, and someone will be with you in a minute.

There there, ArtfulDodger. You just go and do something wholesome and innocent, like playing music. Mind you, your rusty trombone might need some dragon butter to get it working

Harumphh, fucking hell, I'LL do it then, like I have to do EVERYTHING round here...

Here goes, quick as you like...

1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes')

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use:
   a) weewee
   b) poopoo
   c) foofoo
   d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you:
   a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway.
   b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

5. Is R2D2:
   a) an adorable robot from Star Wars.
   b) the source of all evil.

6. what colour are your walls?

7. Number of pets?

8. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?

9. Lesbian crush?

10. What are your views on camping?

11. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?
    i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
    ii) Over 100 quid
    iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

I think we need to add some extra categories to the questionnaire...just for fun, like!

Suggestions puhleeze...

...and to think I was really pleased with myself the other day because I knew what a spit roast was!

Eww...the BESH thread is appearing under the Discussions of the day box...

....we don't want no strangers snooping round here

New question: What word do you use to describe your partner's love-juice?

Look here Cock'O'Van'

Michael Jackson used to call his 'duckbutter'. I can't tell you how nauseous that makes me feel...thought I'd share the love...

That's exactly the fred I was referring to Cho. We need to know if the newbie can bring herself to say the 'j' word.

Surely MJ was incapable of doing the deed? That's what I've told myself for all these years. Its just too scary to think otherwise...

How about:

12. How barren, selfish, evil and haggish are you?

a)well I'm still on the pill tbh, but I'm nearly 28 now, and none of us wimmin are getting any younger...I read it in the Daily Mail?

b)I'm so old, my pussy is haunted, but cocaine and Manolo Blahniks don't buy themselves you know, so I just HAD to dedicate my life to a job. just started shitting myself there's no-one to pay for the care home.

c) I've got 5 kids already, but the eldest two are about to move out, and I need the child benefit for my Hendricks habit, so I thought I'd better crack on.

BTW - these are not intended to be offensive or devisive (all welcome in the palace), so PLEASE don't take them wrongly, but let me know if a bad idea.

Also...have I been around long enough to presume to add to the questionnaire?

Oh fun!

1. Oh yes please. Not keen on Beefeater Gin, but I probably would if there was nothing else left.
2. He, He, a cradle snatcher!!
3. Any which way! One year plus in and we're still in "honeymoon period!
4. Can you snort babydust?!
5. R2D2 still MIA
6. Magnolia e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e!
7. 40+, am Bo-Peep in another life!
8. Jimmy Nail weird enough?!
9. Hmm, lady who used to be in ER now in The Good Wife!
10. Camping? Never. Ever. No really, never.
11. Well, I bought posh digital ones even though was still on the pill. I've opened a special POAS bank Account via on-line!

Extra points on the love-juice qu: unoriginally "cum" probably doesn't do much on the points front?
And how BESH are you: There is tumbleweed in there!!

BB

Where are we? What are we? I can't see us in the discussion bits! I don't want incomers! Get orf moi laaahnd! Strangers mustn't know that my pussy is so haunted that the only way I can get pg is to have sex with Mr Claypole! [McWitch emoticon]

I have called jizz 'white weewee' ever since Victor Lewis-Smith gave the world The Gay Daleks Ooooh, you vicious old queen! But now I see my phrase 'flirty squirts' has already become popular (okay, with one MNer!). Henceforth, the man milk shall be called flirty squirts in my home!

Welcome Brassica! We also need to know how dark and twisted your soul is:

a) I'm pretty easy-going, me.
b) Am secretly Charlie Brooker's sister.
c) My misanthropy is more likely to create a black hole than the Hadron Collider.

I drink:
a) diet coke
b) gin
c) blood

RentaGhoooost sex with Mr Claypole makes me feel marginally more sick the thinking of 'duckbutter shudder (not really)

Cunty can I have a gin/blood martini please...just dip the rim in jizz, swirl gin to coat the glass, then fill it up with blood, and neck it before it coagulates

Hi all.

Skater - fab news, am really pleased for you.

I am 9 weeks updiffed now and have started spotting today. It's not a breakthrough bleed because I had one of those last week. EGU won't scan me till next week unless I bleed through 3 sanitary towels in one day so I'm just waiting to see what happens and eating my way through a whole block of vanilla fudge I bought for dp - keep your fingers crossed for me.

Bessie - its prolly just 'one of those things' and I'm sure everything's fine. I know of some women who have spotted throughout their diffments and been just fine. I know that doesn't stop the worry, though.

My eyes are crossed for ya, along with everything else.....

Oh Fucking Hell Bessie, you can count on us all to be thinking of you...I know I don't need to say it, but tons of people do have this and everything works out fine. If you just keep spotting then hopefully everything will be okay, but don't let them give you any nonsense if it's more than that.

Go for the fudge...but beware...some people spot all through their diffments, so they might have to remove the side wall of the house to get you out if everything goes well.

Is your man at home with you tonight?

dp will be back late tonight. He offered to cancel and come home early but if I'm just spotting it seems a bit extreme to mess up his evening. EGU doc said to me 'you can't expect us to scan you every time you have a little bit of bleeding, you'll have to wait a week'. Lovely bedside manner she's got, made me feel loads better .

It's good to know you're thinking of me, I think I'm just working myself up about it because of the mc before. I do know it's not a mmc though, I had a scan a couple of weeks ago because of the previous mc and the heart was beating so I'm just hoping it's some random spotting and all will be fine...

Bessie, it most likely is 'one of those things', but will be keeping everything (except legs) crossed for you. My Gran spotted/had 'periods' for the first 3 months of diff with my Mum - is fairly common in BESHes, apparently. Do you have any dubious symptoms (and imaginary ones don't count)? If not, then try not to worry [hypocrite emoticon] But you know we are always here for you to vent and panic away and we will soothe you with virtual gin, cake, studmuffins and spunky euphemisms

at EGU Doc! She's clearly spent so long working with cunts that she's turned into one