To TTC or not to TTC, that is one of the many questions...

[YorkshireTeaDrinker]

Ok fellow ditherers, as we have filled up one thread (and still not made too many firm decisions) here's another one for us to continue to procrastinate and worry on.

Here's to more monitoring of relative green and redness, mutual support and occassional chivving, discussion of everything baby or not baby related, and perhaps even our first BFP...?

so much going on on the thread! and here was i thinking there might be two new messages, or five!
confused i am SO sorry to hear about your grandad. < hugs >
LST WAY to go!! SO pleased for you.
i wonder- are HP, confused, amanda and i the only four left?
< looks around, doesn't seem to see anyone else >
i need a stiff drink!
right and on that note let me run off to bed. long day tomorrow. may not be posting much next few days- travel yet again.
take care, girlies.
< wait a minute! "girlies"! did i just say that! >

No, there is Suerock as well.

Im still excited for LSTs big news . Are you still floaty this morning?? And how much sleep did you get - not much, I bet! I'm glad your DH was ok with the news, maybe now he will get fully on board, if it does take a BFP for men to really 'feel' it, like we have been speculating about. The first scan will be awesome, for both of you.

(Also, without drawing too much attention to the location thing, I find it weird that we may walk passed each other and not know!! Did you have the procedure at the main hospital? Just wondering....).

Just in case there are any ditherers left - helloooo??

We may have to actively recruit....get your canvassing outfits out, ladies, we need some badges making and balloons to hand out. We cant be the only ditherers on MN?!

Interesting article, C, very interesting. Kind of sums it all up, doesn't it? I'm halfway through and my favourite quote currently is...

?It?s not that we?re becoming obsessive, it?s just that we know more.?

Obsessive? Moi?

Will be back later to discuss the article and also any possible plan to recruit!

Slept better than I have for ages (not that that's saying much) last night! Bit of a rude awakening this morning, though - DH being very quiet and distant. Had a rather painful conversation with him - he actually said last night that he'd expected to feel a bit happier than he did with the news (I'm not sure I needed to hear that...) and he's finding it hard to adjust, shall we say - all the feelings about it being a massive conspiracy and that it's pointless having children (and that it ruins a perfectly enjoyable life) have risen to the surface in his mind, I think.

I do acknowledge these feelings, as I've talked about at length before. I don't blame him for having them. I'll probably have them myself many times, probably daily, at some stages. But at the moment I've been surprised by how unequivocally happy I am about it at the moment, at least and was really sad this morning that he doesn't share that (or even a little tiny bit of it). Really scared it's going to drive us apart. So a few tears before breakfast...

Never mind, am hoping it is just adjusting and he'll start to feel a little differently (maybe the scan, or at least the later one, might have an effect?) - all being well, of course (am touching wood like crazy at the moment that things will continue - I know it's not a given). He did say he would be 'supportive' and 'well-behaved' over it all - which sounds very dreary (and I really don't want him to feel like it's a burden) - but better than the alternative, I guess.

The procedure wasn't in the main hospital, hp, though I do go occasionally (at least onsite) as am doing my MSc project with someone there. It is weird that we may well have passed each other at some stage! But there's a clinic in a leafy village out of town where it all (IVF-wise) happens now, in a strange manor house type place.

Thanks, Seagreen! Sorry to be another deserter.

OK, off to contemplate being 23 years past the ideal physiological age to have children (according to La Stoppard in confused's article)... Hmm.

Oh dear, LST, what a shame to have tears before breakfast

I dont know what to say. Its so great that despite your own concerns, you feel excited, and of course its going to be hurtful that the old discussions are back. And yes, we can all relate to how DH feels, thats why we are all here instead of surrounded by three ribbon-bedecked blond bobbed children, knitting interesting yet educational toys for them to play with. But the fact is, you didnt get pregnant from an accident after too much booze, you both went in to IVF with the understanding that it may result in a baby. And the BFP surely puts completely different slant on everything, so reflections too soon on how having children wrecks your life should be placed quietly to one side, or at least toned down a hell of a lot.

In a teeny way, I can relate to how you are feeling, as all the rows and worry and anger that DH and I have gone through over the last four years regarding this baby issue has left a permanent mark on me, I will always look back and feel that no matter what happens, it is spoiled a bit. Tainted. No Hollywood memories for me at this point either, just very unpleasant, emotional and yet somehow clinical discussions. Urgh.

Anyway, back to you. The situation now is what it is, and it may take some time to work through it, but hopefully soon he will come to terms with what this really is - in my opinion, a miracle that you have achieved through trusting your heart over your head, and he is lucky to have you and that wee-soaked double line.

(PS: I wish I could tell you where I work, and see how close contact we have been, but internet paranoia holds me back)

I can't respond to this properly (and am mindful of commandeering the thread - with non-dithering stuff at that - over all this) but just want to say thank you very much for understanding and hitting the nail on the head exactly.

I really feel for you re. the tainting of the whole thing (and feel the same) - there is this underlying feeling that it's the fact that we have a choice now that makes things so hard, and while that's good, brilliant, wonderful - it also complicates things and takes away some of the wonder of it all, and forces us all to think so bloody hard about it all. But hopefully the fact that you and DH are converging, perhaps, and really understand each other's position, will make for a much better relationship between you when the time comes - I think people's relationships suffer when it hits them like a train in all sorts of ways they didn't expect. Hopefully this goes for all of us (i.e. this won't happen to us because we're deliberating, I mean!).

Even sitting there in silence for what felt like minutes, this morning, and making ourselves talk at least a bit about things was good for us, and I think will help.

And I suspect that if that's what you decide, the newborn baby will still feel untainted and new and special for you both. But maybe that's my hormones talking...

It's just one of those many things that has to be endlessly negotiated and renegotiated, post-feminism, I suspect - all to the good, but hard work!

Anyway, quite enough blather - off home to see what the state of play is...

PS. yes, am still being ridiculously cagey too even though have outed myself obviously enough many times on here to any reader that knows me in RL!

Confused, really sorry to hear about your Grandad. Grandparents are amazing people to have around, like no-one that you ever get to meet these days. Sending you a big hug.

Wow LST fab news! Sorry to hear its not been a great morning, hope things are better this evening. I know that what you mean about disagreements things taking the shine off of things but i am sure that your DH will come around, its just a big thing to get your head around. And you're right of course there is lots to think about, but just take it day by day and let it sink in!

HP wishing you lots of luck with your various appointments and hope its positive for you.

YTD sorry to hear about the your car accident, really hope you're taking it easy just like the other ladies have ordered. How are you feeling generally, have you reached that blooming phase yet? I am wondering if it actually exists, although touch wood I haven't been sick for the last few days!

Not much news this end, my boss has asked to see if I can reschedule a hospital appointment next week as we have an all day team building thing. I have had to squeeze in to the overflow clinic as it is. If i go to the appointment at 9 I would hope to be up in town by lunchtime for the afternoon sessions. If it was the normal BP & weigh in it might be easy to shift, however its to discuss all of my results and the blood tests appeared to have been a bit skewed so far. Am I being unreasonable?

We went into John Lewis over the weekend just to have a pre-look-look at all the baby stuff. It was quite overwhelming but glad we did it as I kind of know what to expect now. I had to sit down with a strong cup of tea and a cake afterwards. Still pleased to report I am losing weight, slowly but steady.

Also another one of the original reasons for dithering was my job; over the last few weeks have really confirmed that once I come off of maternity leave would really really like to do something else. so i guess this has all helped me make up my mind with the rest of my dithering. Thats actually quite a lot of news from me!

LST sorry to hear it. I cannot add anything to what HP SP has so beautifully put, and nor can I really relate to it in my relationship (me and DH are just as bad with dithering as each other.)

I guess it's always going to be a massive shock of adjustment for both of you and the fact that your DH doesn't have the pesky mother nature and her equally pesky hormones fiddling with his thoughts can make things more one sided - at least for now.

At least he can share this with you rather than ignore it and it become more of a wedge. That certainly counts for something!

I do know quite a few men who haven't been keen but when the time came, were fine if not brilliant. I have no reason to think it would be any different with you and your DH now. If nothing else, this baby (or babies) are a part of you and he loves you that much he married you - that must surely count for something...?

Oooh, cross posted with LQ!

Seems like an appropriate place for me. Hello. My name is FancyALittle, I'm recently married and I'm not on any contraception. And I'm a bit nervous.

Hello FancyALittle - hey, HP I've found us a new dithering recruit already!

FancyALittle not sure how much you have read, but while some of us are now in the BFP group there are others, such as myself, whose Babyometer swings madly from red to amber to green on an almost hourly basis.

How long have you been contraceptive free? (Note I didn't say 'trying' )

I think this is absolutely a right on the money dithering issue anyway LST. And vent away as long and loud as you want. Knowing how upsetting it can be when DH starts one of his passionate usually drunken anti-baby rants, I can totally feel for you.

It must have crossed your mind that you're storing up a future of "LST, your baby's crying" etc. from DH - that's something that really worries me. But it would be hard for your DH to pull that one off, considering he quite clearly signed up to it.

Lots of people report that their men got on board from the scan - maybe Mr LST will be one of those.

hisses

Hello FancyALittle!

Dont be scared, but most of us (at least the ones without babies in their tummys) are in fact not TTC. This is where we go to rake over discuss the many reasons not to have a baby, while sniffing the air for the whiff of hormones and keeping a beady eye out for Mother Nature clutching our withered ovaries....

^^what she said!

Oooh, breaking news! Just having a flash of pale green after reading about LQ's foray into John Lewis.

C if you get pregnant in the next month and leave me I will cry. Seriously. I will be on here adding up the prohibitive cost of childcare, alone, while you all go off to the ante-natal threads and talk about nipples and belly buttons and EVERYTHING.

Just kidding - tell me more, green huh? Confession - I walked around JL once and picked out a white crib. Just for private fun, you understand, DH was not there.

Not entirely sure how to do this, so please forgive me for scattergunning you all. I had my implanon taken out on 11 May. We've used condoms since. We're both a bit nervous about having a baby. We're young, but we have reasons for wanting one now.

In January my husband (then fiance) was diagnosed with testicular cancer - since his op, we've had nothing but positive news. The day before our wedding (a couple of weeks ago) he banked sperm and there was plenty to bank. So the whole idea of him being infertile is out the window, but he's paranoid about leaving me a widow with a baby. Unlikely, but it's still a fear he has. At the same time we both know that a baby would make our world SO happy. We're utterly in love, and want a baby. Didn't realise these decisions would feel forced, or so soon (we're still only 24).

Ha! Well, HP, I am seriously considering a childcare course when we move as it's pretty bloody lucrative (and sick of office jobs!) Also, DH keeps saying how good I'd be (and have had previous experience in a Montessori nursery) and, not meaning to sound arrogant, I think so too.

However, I very much doubt I'll be leaving you, don't worry!

goes on a bit but HOW CUTE IS HE?! When the timer is on -1minute he really gets going!

LST good luck if you show your DH

Thanks for the update FancyALittle. Glad to hear your DH is okay too - phew! And congrats on your recent nuptials!

I can imagine recent events would make it feel very soon or even forced although, and unfortunately I speak from knowledge, I am not sure there ever is a time when it's the right time.

Shit, thats awful, what a thing to have gone through at such a young age. Terrifying, and puts a different perspective on many things, I would imagine, including having a baby.

To be honest, the scariness of the process aside, you sound like you have made your decision and really, really want a baby? Of course you want these things on your own terms (God knows I understand that) rather than on a schedule out of your control. Twenty-four is young, these days, but you are probably more mature than most at that age after going through what you have both been through. If you have a secure relationship, and the finances to support a family, thats half the battle.

(C - lucrative? Tell me more....)

DH is making muttering noises about turning the internet off and 'talking', WTF?!? So I'd better go....might try to sneak on later before bed.

Yes, lucrative - look at what it costs for childcare?! Surely you, of all of us, know that! Add to that, if we had one of our own I could still generate some income looking after other people's as well as mine. I am sick off office work too and, sorry to show off again, but people have assumed I work with little people before (even though I haven't, offically at least.)

I did toy with the idea of a Montessori course but, after a brief look today, can also get some quick and easy courses under my belt and there seems to be plenty of demand too.

Oh. Just seen you've gone.