30s TTC - More Gin Than George BESH

[Scorpette]

Come on in ladies, the bar is fully stocked with Advocaat, Bailey's and novelty Xmas drinkies and the slaves are wearing Ann Summer 'Santa's Hat' posing pouches. Have also festooned the place with plenty of festive tat and lots of v un-eco and tacky Xmas lights and shit because I know we all love getting Xmassy dead early. There's a fireplace so you can send your wish list to Santa up the chimbley, platters of wooden spoons and coconuts on the mantlepiece and 'Mulled Wine' scented candles lighting up The Pit of Despair. Make yourselves at home!

Babyfail. Evil droid. Sob.

bugger, mucho FFJ but no boyfriend for another 3 days and on top of that our offer on a house we loved got rejected and I shouted at my 2 year old when she accidently knocked over her (full) potty . Shit day. Doesn't sound like its been much fun for many of you either. I'm going to cheer myself up with a bottle of wine and and couple of episodes of The Wire .

Here's to a better Tuesday...

Pandora. Here, block out the disappointment with this festive drinks cocktail I have invented. I call it the Advoblaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaurgh...

Cho, I loved your question to Charlie Brooker. Wish I could've taken part

Droid has yet to make an appearance... I damn near tested again this morning until the talapia swatted me of its own accord!

Doc appt today to discuss FAIL... At least the tall one will be there with me. Although if doc suggests more "tests" he's going to go off on her.

I have just been watching Dispatches about the Nigerian witch children. Am now disgusted with the world, poor kids.

oooh, I'll have one of your Advoblaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaurghs please Scorpette. Used to love Snowballs at Xmas. We got a mini bottle in our stockings one year when I was about 10 - apparently they hadn't realised it was alcoholic...

Uggh, just googled snowball and this came up first . Off to throw up...

ski are you trying to market Taggart as the new POAS?? Can we please cut out the POAS and just ask BESHes if they have Taggarted yet? Ca we, can we??

So I haz done let him put his winky in my foof. Haz I gotted a baybee yet?

Strategy this month is just do it every other day, until we get bored or worn out.

HCS how come the droid no arrive yet then? Good luck with appointment.

Cosmo - Why did you let him do somethng dirty like that? Tehbaybeejebus won't send you a baby if you let a boy do a nasty to you. Dirty hoo-ur. PS Great POAS idea but you can't wee until someone says 'There's been a MODD-UH!' (yes, I really like that joke ).

Does ripping one's arse to shreds doing a poo easily as big as a premature baby count as an updiff symptom? Just remembered my Mum's only real pg symptom was constipation. But could the muscle-work involved in passing Satan's Log have de-velcroed the egg off the womble? I need ski to beat me severely; I know her opinions on my menkul 'things that could dislodge the egg' neuroses.

For those who are interested, Advoblaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaurgh is a rich yet playful blend of the finest festive cocktail ingredients: Advocaat, Bailey's, Sherry, Babycham, holly, ivy, turkey gravy, sprouts, brandy butter, Ferrero Rocher, paper hats, myrrh and lily of the vally talc.

Taggart is on ITV3 right now!

hmmm, I loves a cocktail with sprouts in, I does.

But if fort theicklebaybejeebus wanted me to let his stick winky up my foof? Haz I done wrong?

Not the Jebus winkie, blasphemer!!! Why do you have to involve winkies and foofoos anyway, when baybees come out of your tummy button?

Tummy button?????? I thought they were left under the gooseberry bush? My daddy said that's where I came from.

Yeeeeeah... the stork puts the babyseed under a gooseberry bush then the Daddy picks the gooseberries and give them to the Mummy to eat and then the babyseed grows into a proper baybee in her tumtum and then it does come out of her bellybutton, which is like a little door. I learnt all this from TCOYF

I felt like the little girl character from Absolutely played by Morwenna Banks, saying the above. Does anyone else remember her? '"YES! I do be knowing how de baybee is made!"

Oh you BESHes are all so funneeee and I mean that in the nicest possible way. It's become a running joke here that I say "oooh I've stayed up until 11pm" or "don't tell me it's 10 already" when basically it's light's out for me at 9pm wherever I might be. Usually the sofa. I fell asleep during NCIS last night but I'm quietly confident Gibbs caught the bad man. Gibbs is very nice, I'd "go old" for that!

Scorps You're very right of course, I blame you for menkulness and you're actually not half as bad as someoftheothers but I think it's because you describe every symptom in detail... The Taggart thing? I cried when a man got arrested... Tbf he had murdered his step-daughter so I shouldn't have felt sympathy but I think that proves menkul. OK, diffed poo. This is a classic YBIFWY symptom with some women pooing constantly and others getting constipated. I pooed completely normally but had enormous farts I couldn't hold in... they'd come out when I was talking to people. You're one who gets progesterone poo right? Well, clearly my progesterone levels have risen because I got my spot-of-droid but I didn't get progesterone poo. Confused? You will be!

HCS I'm clearly an eejit but I don't get what's wrong. You and your violent doctor-bashing husband have already been diffed and you make brilliant frozen baybees, do they have any idea why you can't defrost them? I don't blame you for missing CO... I'd like to live in Boulder I think although bizarrely I've got a current craving for South Africa. What a lovely safe place to raise a family!

I is watching the BBC breakfast news - and apparently the fucking government now want parenting classes for all. Governmentfail *Scorps^ Go to the gym you menkul - as a gym regular you should know better than anyone how chilled working out makes you and how good it is for your mental health.

Cosmosis There always were those sick rumours about you... mind you, it seems Twinkle has been using the wrong hole according to her link... But, maybe she'd like to google "cream pie" next?

ChoCho/Muser I'm so sorry to hear of your babyfails but it's an excellent opportunity to experience xmas with YBUFWY, you know, dare you get shit-faced? Should you eat that Stilton? Should you really have spent 150 quid on a pair of stilettos you'll never fit in to again? Will anyone notice on NYE when you don't tan your usual 24 alcopops?

I have not had a babyfail yet! I am still firmly in menkul symptom spotting stage. Although I have a lack of symptoms to spot. I think the boobs are going down. I am very sleepy but that's less symptom and more "god it's winter why can't I hibernate like the bears do?"

Hmmm, thought the droid had arrived last night, but the claret seems to have disappeared, just one smear of blood and that was it...this has never happened to me before , pregnant or not preg... tested negative again last night (I know, I'm a desperado!)

Waiting til tomorrow for official testing day...still no pg symptoms since Saturday. This is driving me a bit bonkers this month. I must find more distractions....

chocho you iz teasing us innit. Hope is good sign...

scorps I often think of that morwenna banks character when I read your posts involving teh baybee jeeebus and winkies and foofoos

cosmo you dirty BESH - don't let it happen again even I feel dirty reading your words

chocho make sure you use FMU tomorrow you teaser! You won't get a result at night time for weeks if you are diffed!

Sorry muser, reading back I meant pandy. ChoCho If it was implantation I gather it takes 24-48 hours for the hcg to hit your wee.

I do hope I am teasing y'all...I am gonna get such a roasting from you all tomorrow if updiffed after all this whining!!

I have no symptoms. Non. Nada. Boobs entirely normal again. Bah and humbug. Am 8DPO, surely I should have some symptoms?

chocho Oh I am so hopeful that's a good sign! casper and I both had an implantation bleed and for me it took 2 days to show up with super-sensitive STPO and even then only the tiniest smudge of a line. Cassielassie was more patient than me and waited till she got a pwoper line wot didn't need to be stuck under a bright light to see.

Oooh Muser, am DPO8 too! Is my last day of being relatively chilled before I will be obsessively gusset-checking for the evil pre-droid Pink Panther

Am off now whilst I still maintain a semblence of sanity to do some early Xmas shopping (inc. Secret Santa mission)...

love that my miniscule sliver of pink has been deemed a bona fide implantation bleed.

cho I was patient, but even so, and contrary to what rots thinks, the 10 whatever-the-measurement-is dip stick gave me a midge's eyelash of a line. so faint I could have been imagining it. Dispticks are a nice little indicator, but the absence of droid is much more important in my opinion. (sticks are designed to fuck with your brains)

Wish I had brought my new book to work with me - the HCG stats are mad. For example, it's perfectly normal to have HCG of anywhere between 6 and 1760 (or summat similar) when you are five weeks pregnant. Even the most sensitive tests at looking for at least 10. So while some tests can pick it up six days before droid, some won't catch it till droid is weeks rather than days late.