30s TTC The Loch BESH Monsters

[CurlyCasper]

Welcome along women of a certain age. The new palace has a post modern water feature, spouting forth gin from a serious of suspicious looking humps...

ugh!

Right all, Jagerbombs all round for I have commenced with the SWI for this month, and therefore also with the 2woofling. I have decided that this months strategy is that once I have prayed to ve ickle baybee jebus I will talk nicely to the spermies to encourage them to play find the eggie.

It's got to work, right??

I got some ffj and everthing.

Also can we have a new barman? I know there's the gin fountain and all, but we need someone to put the umbrellas in the pina coladas.

I was thinking Brandon Flowers and his mormon pants. Ok with everyone?

Oooh, Cosmo, you can be my 2WOOFLing buddy - SWIed last night. Usually get 2 days of positive POK and didn't get one today as expected, which of course is now making me worry that Chucky Egg had already made an appearance before TYF got home and it was already game over. I did feel really strange in the avo, in a good way - v powerful, happy, horny, energetic and my ffj runneth over, so we might have missed the egg boat by a matter of mere hours (Newbies take note - THIS is how to 2WOOFL like a good 'un). Still, also SWIed on Sunday, so there was a 'backup'. Cosmo*, you can take the chain off your bike and beat me with it when I get too menkal (I usually pay Madame Tallulah £75 a pop for the same privilege, so getting it for free is ace ).

Shall we tell Charlie Brooker that he impressed with his work experience and the bartender's job is all his? Or just kidnap him?

*Freak.

PS I hate Brandon Flowers. Don't approve of his feather jackets. Or music. He is foxy, tho'.

Charlie Brooker gets my vote. Brandon Flowers foxy yes, but I could never feel quite right about lusting after such a little boy lost.

As for me - I'm just SWW (Shagging while waiting) - hmpf!

Fair enough, I'll just keep Brandon in a cage over there ----> Charlie can stay on.

Ok you lot, I'm dumping Jordan and I've decided that my new laydee luuurve is Bonnie Greer. She rocks.

Scorps, shall we retreat together to the 2woofling corner and chant "hatch eggies hatch" whilst channeling our inner fertility goddesses?

cosmosis and scorpy I think your chances are improved if you have a good witches BESHie Brew! So what are you making yours out of?

I had a G&T straight after the SWI, that's gotta help things along hasn't it?

Cosmo - I'm fine with the chanting and crystals, but if you want us to strip naked and show each other our foofoos to worship 'Mother Womb' then it's all off. You can just strip naked for no particular reason if you like

We should play Chucky Egg on an old computer, paint Easter eggs, cuddle baby chicks and solely eat omelettes, scrambled egg, quiche, etc., etc.

Polly, I concur with you about Bonnie Greer. She was regal and dignified and put that fucking cunt in his place

Welcome to Frejya - you sound suitably loony and barren to me. How ancient are you exactly?

OK I'm 6DPO and 2WOOFL symptoms are:

• occasional and possibly imaginary 'feelings' in the wombular area (and I'm not talking about Wimbledon Common)
• sore boobies
• lots more FJ than usual (the normal kind not the FFJ type)

Do I get a prize?

Scorp OI! Bonnie's my lovely laydee love, not polly's and I'll fight her for her.

And yes, she was amazing, wasn't she.

And he was about as close to the devil incarnate as anyone I've ever seen.

weewee We are cycle buddies. I have imaginary symptoms too; backache & fatigue (am having flu and suspect these symptoms may be related) & more FFJ than usual (cough medicine?)...

Couldn't watch Question Time last night. BNP too evil. Yay for freedom of speech, which allows evil bigots to make fools of themselves and demonstrate their evil on the tellingvision, though.

lol - can I vote for longwee's "Wimbledon Common" being our next euphemism? I love it weewee.

I'm doing a survey - how many of you actually have regular enjoyable sex throughout the month - or is everyone just putting their eggs in one (or two) baskets? badoom tish

Ski - we're mostly doing it whenever we feel like it, rather than concentrating on 'the right time'. However post mc it started driving me a bit mental so I've been letting him know whenabouts I'll be oving so he knows he has to up his game...

I did it. S. W. I. My poor guy is still recovering bless him. He's only got another 7 days of it.

I couldn't find a wooden spoon so I used a shoe horn, hope it works.

weewee I'm 36 and a half. I feel very ancient and realise how selfish I've been by not procreating in my early 20's, but now facing up to the fact that I will probably need some sort of medical intervention to get my baybeeeee arghhhhhhh

scorpette can you help me with my insane obsessing? I know you are the Symptom Queen

Is there a half naked man around here somewhere to serve me a morning appetiser?

ski put it this way, the other night, when it was past my bedtime SFF attempted to slow things down so it would last longer, and I essentially told him to shut up and get on with it, so I could get that chance in the bag then go to sleep. Romantic, huh?

I can confirm that Charlie has now been employed of his own volition, so be nice to him ladies. (he's the one with clothes on, who provides mental stimulation while serving drinks). One false move and he'll be off (not before issuing a good tongue lashing though)

In terms of our general Palace slaves, I suggest rounding up one each, issuing him with a suitably skimpy loin cloth and chaining to Nessie's BESHies humps. I'm still trying to decide on my sex slave of choice.

Can someone please poke Brandon and make him sing?

Casper I have done the same.

Thankfully though we are still having regular sex throughout the month - but that's starting to make me "wobble" too. Dearest pollypoo who got diffed with only one try that month... and here I am, having regular sex and I can't get pregnant and it's making me a bit GRRrrrr at women who only have sex twice a month and get pregnant.

Frejya - shoe horn? Are you planning on having a litter of mice?

Oh - and to rub salt in to the wound. A friend is 38 and pregnant, only took her 3 months and she wasn't expecting it to work at all because she was told in her 20s that she had endometriosis and it'd probably never happen...

ski! (when are they going to give us a "frustrated" emoticon?)

Found me a slave I have. Lovely French International rugby player Freddie Michelak. I have taken great pleasue in tackling him and installing him in the Palace like this

Due to the beauty of the tattoo, his loincloth will be staying off for the foreseeable futue. Now, Let's go and practise language skills.

Freddie, bonne homme, vien chez moi maintentant!