30s TTC - The BESH little gin palace in mumsnet

[idealcamel]

The bar is open and the ticking clock has been muffled for the duration...Come on in!

scorpette If animal sacrifices worked Scorpette you'd find me oft lurking outside Berlin Zoo rather than hanging around here with you lot. I want one of longwee's african baybees. FYI Carrots, longwee lives in Afrika and get us baybees if we need them. Right... the brothel. I was home from uni one summer hols and didn't like the thought of Lloyds swallowing my miserable wages with their overdraft - I wanted to pay them back at my rate. So I took a job in a brothel working as a "telephone maid", telling phone pervs how much it was to do a laydee up the foo foo and how much up Casper's Hanky Place. I opened the door to let them in and out, got to hang out with real live prossies all day, chain smoke, watch Neighbours, laugh at men and all for 90 smackeroos a day cash in hand.

aerie Congratulations! Were you holding that in for a new thread?! [Lightweight girlie punches to upper arm on BCG scar]

Oh, ski I lurk because I love y'all! I just think there's a definitely a mental time limit for TTC, and I have gone past it. (Extreme? Back me up here - over 18 months starts to corrode your sanity, right?) If I get a bay-bee now, that'll be great. But I don't want the defining factor of my week-to-week life to be the lack of one, which is what it was turning into. Best school mate now onto no 3. I can't think too hard about the fairness or otherwise of baby distribution.

But I do like skulking round the gin palace; just don't have a whole lot to add, FFJ wise. Instead, I am offering my animal mum experiences to the people of Pets. They can't tell I'm a barren wench with a child-seat-free sports-car...

[slopes off to cast Blanche-esque opinions on unsuspecting AIBUs and pet owners.]

PS poor gin - hope your ceiling feels better soon. (not euphemism)

gin I POAS yesterday - and it was the usual poke in the eye with a sharp stick... so know am not updiffed, just waiting for the pesky RTOD to arrive...

wildfig am so with ya... I am now over a year, with one wd40 preg fail to show for it and not much else - am so fucked off that I think I want out of the baby insanity and I too am doing the pet thing...

either that or I'll try the animal sacrifce method that scorps suggests...

ski my personal fave was the 'have you tried drinking grapefruit juice?' err.. yes - am fully versed on all TTC nonsense am in possesion of ridiculous amount of sticks/ monitors / tests and a fridge full of pesky grapefruit - i was onlee asking whether any of you non baby failers actually bothered with the madness or not...

I would be happy to foster or adopt an older child - however I'm probably too old/middle-class/white to do so.

iggy It doesn't count if you get the chicken from Tesco. That thread just really, really pissed me off. "Have you tried sticking his winky up your foo-foo until it's sick?"

ski I have just snorted water over my keyboard at this:

"Have you tried sticking his winky up your foo-foo until it's sick?"

Bloody hell. I left the palace for a few hours - what with having to work and all - and I've completely lost track of the conversation.

Ski But how the fuck did you find the brothel to work in? It's not, I assume, like they were advertising in the job centre?

I am having a Bad Day. Think, like iggy (hello again, lovely, nice to see you) and ski and wildfig I am going into denial. What? Baybeee? No, thank you, I have just purchased these incredibly expensive and wildly impractical high heels, and have redecorated all my house in varying and tasteful shades of cream.

Gin I hope your ceiling is fixable.

longwee - where in Afrika?

all re temps etc. I just want to know where we all stand, still being a newbie 'n' all. Thanks for explaining and not sitting on me.

Eurojizzney OK, but I would be worried about the species that would pop out. And christ, would that automatically make me the wicked stepmother? Or the wicked witch - now that's more like it.

skihorse I'm absolutely shocked that you accepted money cash in hand. Where's your socialist principles of pay-your-taxes?

Scorpette If you go onto ebay there are plenty of getabaybee spells.

FFJ - Jeeez that's better than bloody mucous. Frickin stop with the frickin mucous already. I snot mucous, I don't pass out out below. Yuck.

Iggypiggy What Ginhag said.

Ginhag bugger. Happened to me once (toilet was leaking a bit in the am, when I got home from work there was a waterfall in the kitchen, no kitchen ceiling and a very unhappy dog). Got a sparkly new kitchen courtesy of the insurance company and sold the house for ten grand more than I'd expecteed 3 months later. So every cloud.

idealcamel same problem re work. Still.

Anyway, cream is an IDEAL colour for baybees coz it's the same colour as sick and breastfed poo.

And you can wear the heels for the first few months by which point you are sick of them anyway so you won't care.

Next

iggy sorry, cross post. And sorry.

ig you should have asked me.

I would have said ' have you tried getting really really drunk on a regular basis,booking inappropriate holidays,and having at least one night where you drink so much tequila you decide it would be amusing to rugby tackle your partner in the street at 4am, shortly after accidentally starting a fight in a pub?'

worked for me last time

a serious answer though,as no one gave you one on the thread- I didn't do any of the stuff you talked about to get mani, we were trying but all I really knew you did was have lots of sex,especially mid cycle-ish. I didn't know there was a 'conception' thread on mn, only discovered mn when pg and only discovered the conception bit after the mc.

Didn't know opks existed,nor a lot about pant snot issues.

And ttc then was a lot less stressful. I didn't ever even think of testing til missed a droid,whereas now I always get carried away early.

I think if it wasn't for the palace I'd steer clear of this topic as I think it fucks with my head.

Well that prob doesn't help but it's an answer.I didn't change my lifestyle and had a baybee. Then used the same approach and had a mc. And now am obsessing and no sign of the duff fairy.

Ceiling = very very bad. So much water under bathroom floor (must've been building up for aaaages) that it's even coming through the outside walls (which are about 2 foot thick stone things from the olden days)

This is Not Good.

And I haven't been able to shower.

And I'm getting a cold sore.

I am so pissed off.

By the way scorp am stuck at work so occasionally sneakingon to mn to be cheered up by you lot. And I'm not a very good plumber/builder/plasterer so there's not a lot I can do about my stupid fucking house that was converted by an evil money grabbing cunt who has utterly shafted us on soooooo many occasions

Aaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggh

"Ceiling = very very bad. So much water under bathroom floor (must've been building up for aaaages) that it's even coming through the outside walls (which are about 2 foot thick stone things from the olden days)"

Shiiiit. That's impressive.

Hello Hags.

I have missed you all. I tried to post yesterday but there was too much to catch up on from last week - you have all been posting so much it has taken me hours to read it (and about 10 minutes to snigger a lot at carrots asking Ski where her socialist principles are).

Ginhag - sorry to hear about your ceiling. I hope it's not too awful.

Aerie - congrats. I am a bit at all the updiffedness amongst BESHes but happy for you. Just tell me how you made it stick.

oooh, Ginhag I forgot to tell you, I spent some of my lunch hour (actually, lunch 20 minutes) in a card shop putting urban graphics cards in front of other ones.

it is a bit tragic I have no better way to spend my lunch break

Bessie you get a lunch break? What kind of socialist boss do you work for?

Aw beshie I properly heart you for that!

carrots sorry x posts before,my rant took a while to type! Sounds like it worked out with your kitchen,doubt we'll get a new bathroom though... Apart from anything else our insurance co are pretty hardcore,we are only getting our house fixed now from some damage that happened last year when a 15 foot wall collapsed on it...

think our house was built on an injun burial ground or summat...

Actually it could be that Jesus is a bit pissed off that I am living in a converted church hall...

Ginhag - I always wanted to live in a converted chapel, one with stained glass windows.

Carrots - ssshhh, my boss doesn't know I was out of the office for 20 minutes.

Ski - keep trying with the poas. The digital tests for morons work best, you could still be updiffed (I'm sending positive energy).

Does anyone care that parsley is a herb associated with fertility in witchcraft? Apparently eating a salad every day while you are ov of parsley, fennel, sunflower seeds and some other stuff I can't remember helps (as well as praying to the ickle baby jeebus and foo foo action)

ginhag I also am extremely sorry to hear about your ceiling and hope that I didn't sound unsympathetic. I'm REALLY not.

I also have an old stone house which leaks (not like yours is, clearly). Let me know if you find a decent stonemason

Good luck with the showers. I spent my childhood showering under one of those warm water hand things you used to get in really scruddy toilets in petrol stations while living in a caravan as my parents renovated (another) stone house. So I'm with you.

bessie mine neither. Darn it, I just told me

Parsley - can't stand the stuff. Or fennel. I think I'd rather have sex.

I'm off, while I think about it, to do some work. Grrr.

Shit Gin sorry about your ceiling. Had similar through our lounge when the hot water storage tank split in mid winter a few years ago. £600 for emergency plumbing job (well, it was fucking freezing, and knocked out whole heating system). So I feel for you.

Have decided to imagine ill-health rather than pregnancy. Googled PCOS and feel i could have symptoms. Especially after SFF pointed out the hair on my face the other day. GGrrrrr...

Bessie I'm so glad you're back - we missed you and you're in good company here with the other BESHs.

Btw - baybee chants on ebay for sure? ebaby? Where's hawaiiancunt?

What happened to the site? Vital maintenance? Pschaw.

Ski the thought of you being arrested and then correcting the policemen's grammar in your 'statement' made me laugh.

Who thinks I should buy this for dd?

www.bumpto3.com/product.aspx?DISPLAYCAT=fun&CAT=Products&CATGRY=Dress_Up&PID=GH106

I should say that this is for a fancy dress day at her nursery, not a daring sartorial statement.

Bessie I fear if you get that for your little one it not remain fancy-dress but every day!