Mid 30's TTC - you're my BESH mate you are..... <hic hic>

[extremesitting]

OOOh - Hope this'll do! Emergency!

yo you fucking YO! am back.

oh fuck it. i demand a summary of the past week's happenings, there is no fucking way i have time to read all that.

i've skimmed but apart from totally pissing myself at vag not knowing her cervix if 'it came up and introduced itself in waitrose' (it's her eye for detail that does it i think!) i really don't know what's going on.i believe we have some new recruits tho.

and i'm a bit tired hence the shit typing. so any pedants fuck off with yer criticism okay?

Sex to me is like swimming.

ie once I'm there, in my cossie, in the water, I think 'this is great, I should do this more often'.

But if somebody asks me to go swimming I can't really be arsed.

DP has similar view - loves it when we do it, but forgets inbetween times how much he likes it.

Reality would suggest that we should focus our paltry couplings (one or two a month) on the best day/s to ttc.

oh yeah, and...

TEQUILAAAAAAA TIME!!!

Will someone remind me what henous crime VAG committed last week so that I can formally unforgive her?

ginny thanks for the tequila. Biff!

MZapp Ahhh... 'understanding your cycle'. 'Tis a mystery of the highest order. But wait! There is a magic key which will unlock the ancient riddle! Once you know the secret code then every month your body will flash with neon lights, proclaiming, "Verily, the egg is released" and the door to updiffedness will swing wide that ye may enter in.

Now, where was that key...? er...

Hur Hur, Lyra does saturation shagging Remember to save the planet and wash those sheets at 30o, Lyra

Yeah, as soon as it says you're going to Ov, get SWIing! Forget the joy of it, just get it up there This is TTC, Zappy - fun, enjoyment and sense don't come into it (pardon the pun)!

Obv I meant heinous, but I now have great visions of what a hen-ous crime might be. Letting the fox into the chicken run, perhaps?

I was truly bewildered by the spunk, and have several follow up questions:

1. Why does anyone ever have sex without a condom if not trying to get updiffed? TSO said it felt amazing without, but I couldn't discern much difference, and def not worth being covered in the stuff.

1. Do you change the sheets every time you have sex, or lie on a towel, or what??

1. Why is this never mentioned in the movies??

morris don't worry, you're not alone! love DH very much, but we're both casual swimmers, not helped by time apart during the week. Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes it sleepier. When I got the 'are you having regular sex?' questions from the GP, I wanted to ask what exactly he meant by regular? Once a day? Once a month? Once a year? We were having regular sex by our standards, but probably not meeting NHS shagging targets. However, the more tense I got about meeting quotas, the more likely I was to find him 'asleep' in bed by 11pm. Hence my subtle abandoning of TTC. There were three people in our relationship and one of them was Zita bloody West.

In theory, doing it throughout the month 'refreshes' the quality of spunk, as the newer stuff is meant to be faster and fitter. And also if you ovulate on different days or if the POK/charting thing goes off beam you should have some swimmers ready to greet your egg. However, in real life, I find all that 'oh, we have sex all day every month and we got pregnant in the first fifteen minutes of trying!' business is just something else to feel inadequate about, so I do try to focus my seductive efforts in the middle of the month. It's not hard: am a moody cow the week before my period, and pretty grumpy immediately afterwards on account of the babyfail, so there's really only a 5 day window in any case.

Rule of thumb is probably to have sex as often as you're comfortable with - it's just as headwrecking to go from infrequent but affectionate shagging to feeling you have to do it to a timetable with someone holding a stopwatch. It's a myth the Heil hasn't addressed yet, but not all men are ravenous sex monsters who want it day and night.

lyra hee. The wet patch beckons.

Gin Helloooooooooo! How was the boat? Managed not to Maxwell yourself, then?

Today's gem from a sci-fi/time travel romance - apparently, alien races have MAGIC sperm and powers that can make a woman ovulate from the MAGIC orgasm. My favourite line ever is possibly "I have these things called ovaries". I may in fact tell Mr Camel this tonight, while demanding that he massage me to, um, ovulation...

?I am a potent male. I have never failed to impregnate a female when I wished to.?

She spluttered, alarmed, ?But human biology doesn?t work that way. We?I?am only fertile for a very small window of time each month. Even if I were to have sex with a man during that time, I still might not get pregnant. It can take months or even years for human females to achieve pregnancy."

?Nonetheless, you are with child,? he said certainly.

?You don?t understand my biology. I have these things called ovaries. They store my female genetic material. They release an egg only once a month and the egg survives for just a day or two. That window of opportunity has passed for me this month.?

He sighed. ?Do you recall that first night when I stroked you with my hand?until you felt a series of deep spasms inside you? If you?re built like a female of my kind, it would have been low in your belly, between your hip bones. I?m not talking about pleasure feelings. It would have been deeper within you, where your reproductive organs lie.

?Those spasms you felt were me drawing forth an egg from within your?what did you call them? Ovaries?

"If I so choose, you have no choice chemically or biologically but to accept my seed.Trust me, my dear. You are pregnant even now.?

camel is that published?!

wildfig & morris Mr Camel & I have had very similar experiences. The poor man literally went white last night when I casually suggested the every-other-day-for-an-entire-month approach. Where's my magic alien alpha male soulmate, huh?

Lyra Sex is messy, but sheets dry!

Oh wildfig, thanks so much for that post!

Yes, yes and thrice yes. Me too - me three in fact.

On the plus front, I imagine that DP's jizz is fairly fresh, as he releases it regularly during the week when he's on his own and having a no-pressure hand sandwich. On the negative, it is v v difficult as you say to 'do it' because you have a narrow window and must leap through it.

I have been secretly using lubricant (DP thinks I'm just young and juicy, why spoil his dreams) but DP can't fake an orgasm. By day three he has nothing left to give me, sperm-wise.

Thanks for basically being me - and being so articulate about it! Wishing everybody 'good enough' mid month shagging. The sperm doesn't care if it's in a romantic movie, a porno or Meet the Librarians.

Yup! Check it out here

God, so true camel. My DP has perfected the 'pretending to be disappointed' face for when I have a practical, non-negotiable reason for not being able/ wanting to shag.

Yet the relief is often writ large.

Answers for RLR:

1. Actually I really dislike the feel of the condom, and DH says it is 100x better for him without. Plus it's a bit more spontaneous without (no need to pause for the 'get ready, Sheila, rubber on, it's happening now' moment), you can stay "together" in a shagtastic cuddle without having to do the careful extraction or the 'just a minute I'll get rid of this' moment, etc. You'll get to like it, I promise.

1. Just pull back the covers and let it air dry. Oh, and also, try to make sure it's more or less on his side of the bed. If you had to change the sheets every time you did it, you'd think twice, wouldn't you? Plus (expert tip here) try to keep as much "in" you as you can, then after half an hour carefully get up and shuffle to the ensuite with your legs firmly together and 'expel' as you have a wee. This means minimal spunk lake in the bed.

1. Because who would want to see that movie?

camel ! But wait, DH could be an alien... I am going to tell him to get stroking with his potent hand.

Oh, it's an RNA shoo-in, that one! Genius.

Also, I meant to say, before I got swept away on the tide of my own paranoid self-justification, the maternity wards of Great Britain are heaving with diffed women who only did it once/had a one-night stand/thought they weren't ovulating, so there is a chance, however small, any time you have sex. It just means, by law of averages, that if you're not doing that often, it might take a bit longer. On the other hand, it might be that one time.

Love saturation nooky. Am sure that exists on a website somewhere...

morris Just to piss on your parade a little more - lube is also one of those things like gin and heroin which makes you barren. Something about pH balance - there is a TTC-friendly lube though called "preseed" or the like. Scorpette knows.

I don't use official 'lube' I use an anti fungal cream left over from a thrush attack. It does the job. I only use a small bit of it externally, and sperm is ejaculated internally so assume sperm is safe from the cream's possible effects???

I am terrible ttc-er, absolute bottom of the class I know!

MZapp No you are not bottom of the class. Here's my confession: I lurked for a while on the ttc threads until it became apparent that I had no idea what anyone was talking about. (Even the MN ovulation calendar asked for my luteal phase and I didn't know what it was. ) So I asked some other friends on MN for some help with a crash course in ewcm, correct hole usage, etc. Only armed with that knowledge did I dare to come back and take part.

Pony, thanks, that makes sense - when you've never done it without condoms you never consider them affecting spontaneity - it's just normal to us. With all this air drying going on combined with SWI-ing I imagine you all have thoroughly spunky sheets - glad I won't be staying at any BESH houses. Now I think about it, it's kind of cool doing something new at my age - even if I have found it initially less than sexy.

Morris, I make no pretence of being young and juicy - TSO knows that if he wants to get anywhere near me, something will very likely be required to ease the way, be it gin, spit or lube. In preparation for SWI-ing I have availed myself of some Zestica - like Preseed but cheaper - less than a tenner I think - and comes in a funky bullet shaped squirty device for external application.

Hurray, thehag is back! You were missed. Did you have a fab time? Are you all bronzed and relaxed? Tell us the goss.

Zestica, sounds good. Is there actually a product called Preseed or is this a joke name? Does it do anything positive or does it just not kill sperm?

Spit and gin, both have been used by me many times in past.

Question for y'all - how many times a day do you pee at the office?

Morris, yes Preseed really is called Preseed, crass I agree. Preseed doesn't improve matters, it just tries not to kill them, whereas Zestica says it actually helps sperm motility.

Ski, I'd say three or four times on average...why?