Mid 30's TTC - you're my BESH mate you are..... <hic hic>

[extremesitting]

OOOh - Hope this'll do! Emergency!

ponymum Well thankfully it won't be thousands... unless I upgrade my car + buy a trailer... The only thing I actually need are white breeches, dressage tails, made-to-measure leather boots, scarlet jacket and a body-protector. Otherwise I'm good to go. So what's that? A mere 1500.

But I was pretty much banking on paying my affiliation fees (a mere couple of hundred euros) and getting a BFP - sneaky plan eh?

Scorpette the gynae did ask if we were having sex - she said the stress of TTC made people forget. ffs, some people don't deserve to have kids!

In a similar vein - anyone see the article in the paper today about social services who've stepped in becasue a 17 year old is considered "too dim" to get married. She is 5 months pregnant bien sur!

scorpy Not only should you go on a crazy, pg-non-compatible diet, you should also book a holiday in about June next year (paid fully in advance, non-refundable, naturellement). Said holiday must involve long haul flights and consist of compulsory adventure sports every day. Skydiving, bungee jumping, swimming with sharks, etc. You should also enrol in a master of wine course which requires tasting of hundreds of wines over the next 6 months, and attendance at French gourmet wine tasting dinners with compulsory brie, foie gras, and raw eggs on the menu.

And please note ski, this method doesn't work if you think there is an easy get-out point. You can't just pay the affiliation fees and then, wow! POAS magic occurs. You have to commit yourself to a major endeavour that it would be really difficult to extract yourself from, but which is entirely incompatible with being updiffed.

Which paper? TYF is STILL bogarting the main edition of the Grauniad. Sounds like I need to put on my luxury judgeypants for that read...

BTW, my Mum, now retired, was a counsellor. She said that on TWO separate occasions, she has talked to young born-again Christian couples who were upset about not conceiving (it was putting strain on their relationship, etc.). Both times, she said the reason was that the only sex advice they had been given was to 'sleep together'. And that's what they were doing - just kipping in the same bed. No nookie; they really thought that just lying in bed with a member of the opposite sex was enough to get you updiffed !!! Anyway, one couple now have 3 or 4 kids, but the others split up because when the husband found out what he would have to do, he couldn't face such 'disgustingness'.

Trapped in the closet, much?

Off to gym now, safe in the knowledge that there's no baybee to 'knock loose'

PS Thanks for the tips Pony

ski From what I heard it sounds like social services should leave her alone. But then, I refuse to read the actual article as that so called "newspaper" doesn't exist.

scorp I cannot believe the 'sleeping together' couples! The thing is though, if these imbeciles are included in the statistics that say 'on average it takes couples x length of time to conceive', then surely the odds are more in our favour! (It is disgusting though. Wish I could go back to just having bumsex instead.)

Ponymum Yes, I wasn't aware of the rule that parents must have a combined IQ of at least 250. So what if she's a bit dim and can't write? There must be worse crimes! E.g., putting your wheelie bin out a day early type stuff.

As for the eventing end of october is end of season here so it's all over until March. I was thinking of paying the fees early january. So I won't actually be out of pocket until I start buying showing jackets which I'll never fit in to again...

Was chatting about this at the stables today - they just don't do x-c or jumping here so I really think it is to do with the hunting in the UK - you know, even the pony clubs are affiliated with a hunt.

But - if I need to spend money on something non-retractable - how about a set of non-refundable tickets to Reno for skiing in March and a pair of custom-fit ski boots. I'm told your feet may well change size during pregnancy never to return to what they were before. This will only work for the next couple of months though because after that I'll be "safe" to ski (i.e., not 8 months pregnant!) So the eventing is the spring 2010 plan. Maybe a trip to NY for the autumn? Although that's not really long-haul - I've always fancied cycling across the Atlas mountains in october... Cosmosis has probably seen those trips on I think it's called "skidaddle" or something like that.

Scorpette I've heard similar tales, it's all too sad.

Gals, I have a weird question for yehs: I can't ovulate at the end of my period... can I? It's the tag end of R2D2 - bit of rustiness 'n' all that jazz. All day I've been really horny and energetic and moist in me undercarriage, instead of dry as per usual at this stage. Just went to loo and FJ is v stretchy and albumen-tastic (albeit streaked with a bit of blood). Trouble is, was about to go to bed and have just weed, so can't really do an OV test. I first got the babyfail sign last Sunday, so it'd only be D7.

Aaaaargh, I'm now having 4WOOFL, not 2WOOFL!

Will molest TYF tomorrow 'just in case'.

At our age it could be cervical erosion or just plain FAIL. See - you've gone mad, you're obsessed with bog roll and mucus.

ooh, bog roll & vag discharges, my favourite subject.

Well, drawing on my clearly encyclopaedic knowledge of conception, lunar phases and the like. Yes: you can indeed ovulate at the end of your - what's it known in these parts? - leetle robot.

As for diets, stern chat with you young Scorpy laydee. If that picture is really you (and not a 50s manikin, I'm really still not sure) then you look well thin man. Chip butties all round. With a sausage on top.

Re. career's advice. Hehheheh. Scorps, you had a lucky escape from GCSE computer-stds, I took it, thinking it would involve playing Chucky Egg computer games for 14 hours a day. How wrong I was. As for your lack of career, surely retro-clothing hunting is a career in itself?

As is writing on mumsnet.

Mumsnet, hmmm. You know, I run a mile from the word mum (or mummy). (When attributed to a human mum, as opposed to a mum of a pony.) How fucked up is that? Think it is fear of being pulled down into a deep pit of pink sweatshirts and cheese strings, or whatever it is mums do.

"what mums do" = carry placards as part of an angry mob and beating up paediatricians (kids at home in front of cebeebies drinking froot shoots)

Computer Science GCSE - oh how I hated this subject. I spent a term designing and writing a piece of software which essentially chooses a uni course for you. I handed it in and then discovered that there was already software out there. Tsk, tsk and thrice tsk. Quite how I ended up studying software engineering and now designing software for a living I can't begin to tell you. Have any of you ever seen "The IT crowd"? - I often feel like Jen.

Scorps you're asking questions you already know the answer to - you can ovulate any time you like - from day 1 to day 100. However, it is the law that R2D2 falls on days when you need to wear a swimming cossie.

scorpy But what does your temp chart say? And what is your friendly neighbourhood cervix telling you? You know the only sensible response is to SWI five times a day for the next month.

I am trying to do the 'how romantic are you?' quiz in the Jackie mag, but I am distracted by all the ads about periods and becoming a secretary. I want the Kotex 'New Freedom' towels and pantie set. But mostly I am loving reading about Jane's problem with needing to go to a party when she has her period. Thankfully she can now take feminax, even though "she doesn't know how feminax works." She should just take the pills and look pretty. She is only a girl after all. She couldn't possibly understand pharmacological efficacy.

Just for the record, you know ponymum is an aspirational moniker, dontcha? (Please note, I do not expect to give birth to a pony of any kind at any time.) I simply dream of taking little Cosmo and Arabella out on their darling wee ponies, and to have tweed-suited pony judges tell me how delightful they are, and to beam with mumsy pride. Yes, I am beyond tragic. Is there a cure?

Ponymum I have no idea how Pony Club might've evolved over the years - however, when I was there my mum would've been banned with immediate effect if her handbag had cost more than the pony. Or the car cost more than the pony. As for designer stillies and "school-run" outfits? If Pony Club is still run like that you should trot along in your pink Vitara, spray-on tan and call the judge a jellus bully. That should mean a swift exit from pony life.

ski I think around these parts turning up with any 'Katie Price' horse gear would get them shunning you pretty quickly!

hahahaha oh my gosh! Despite the fact I've not been to PC in 20 years I can feel the hot glare of hate on my back just thinking about turning up in hot-pink KP finest!

I caused enough of a furore turning up with a running-martingale!

Sorry ladies, did do a POKPOK test late last night (which prob makes it redundant but heyho) and it was neg. Am so consumed with TTC madness I forgot that you can have discharge and a sex drive outside of ovulation!

Thanks for the flattery Kimdeal, but I was about a stone slimmer in that pic than I am now! Am a pathetic fashion-whore and hate not being able to wear the daft outfits I like cos I look like a potato in a frock. Am quite pleased I didn't do Computer Science GCSE now that I know it wasn't all playing Chucky Egg. God, the hours/days me and my brother wasted playing that! And Frogger. Ah, the memories. I was the first person at school to get a computer - an Acorn Electron, I'll have you know! I've also been on the 'net since 94 - does that make me an honourary Geek?

I feel excluded from the horsey chat. Growing up in t'Peak District, there were always Gymkhanas going and the girls and their mums who participated were always such heinous bitches who treated the horses badly that it put me off. Also, the smell of horseshit was rank. I've only been on a pony once, which was when I was 11 and I found it terrifying. Big wuss that I am.

scorp Sorry about the pony nonsense. You see, 'tis another form of madness to add to my list of afflictions. How awful that you have seen such horrid ponymums and ponydaughters when you grew up, but now you can understand why I am afraid of turning into one of them! (I was one of the kids whose mum wasn't interested. I turned up to pony club on a shaggy farm pony with all the wrong gear, but had a ball.) And please, no need to be terrified. How could you possibly be frightened of this?

ski when we want to talk ponies we'll rendezvous in the tack room, yes?

My temp has been 35.4 C a couple of days. This is way off the chart. Do I need a new thermometer, or am I ill?

Nah, I wasn't trying to ban all pony chat, don't worry That pic was ace - Shetland ponies are adorable and I LOVE miniature ponies (does that make me a bad person in the eyes of proper horsey folk? GULP). I DO like horses a lot, but I found the actual riding absolutely terrifying - but this could be because I was so travel sick as a kid that I could spew before the car got to the end of the street and the motions of horse-riding were even worse and also because my Mum had (and still has) raging PFBitis concerning me and even the most vaguely adventurous things I did had her going into meltdown, screeching 'DON'T DO THAT! IT'LL KILL YOU!/YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!' in terror, which did not and has not made me the bravest of souls...

I'll be even worse with my offspring, I just know it

I wouldn't worry about the temp - mine has been 36C+ every day upon rising so far... but this is because I am always redhot in the morning, baby

Well, I'd like to think so, but sadly I resemble Captain Caveman's special needs daughter for the first hour or so upon waking. Never puts TYF off, mind. Perhaps he goes for the feral halfwit look?

PS Have a mental image now, of lil' Pony turning up to a snooty pony club thing or gymkhana wearing flares and a Wombles t-shirt and riding a carthorse

How did you know? That is exactly what it was like... right down to the wombles t shirt.

hi guys, I am feeling VERY emotional today. Sorry, it's pony talk. Went out with a girl from the stables today and we had to cross a busy road on a corner - a car tried to overtake us as we were waiting for the traffic the other side to pass. Anyway I just totally let rip at this car driver (in English no less) who at least had the decency to look embarassed. About 30 seconds later my friend said to me "errrr... I thought you were quite mild" - I'd used a bunch of words I don't tend to use unless I'm working the docks. We ended up riding for 3 hours and I was tired, thirsty and really really pissed off because she won't make her horse walk fast.

Anyway I'm basically driving myself mental with symptoms, have had some nice chunky discharge today and last night I had this horrible crushing feeling in my abdomen. Anyone remember the Witches of Eastwick when Jack Nicholson crushes the pomegranate and Michelle Pfeiffer's insides are crushed - something like that.

I feel really miserable and I'm supposed to work tonight and all I want to do is cuddle my dogs and cry.

When I say she said she thought I was mild - I meant she thought I was a mild-mannered person and she'd seen quite a Scary Sweary Mary side to me.

ski That's a very vulnerable situation so I can understand, especially if there are some hormones thrown into the mix. But please give us some facts here re symptoms, so we can throw you an anvil or whatever. Please answer: What cycle day are you? Do you know when you ov'd? What work do you need to do tonight? (If you are Jen from the IT crowd how does this work?)

Poor Ski - shame you weren't on Pony's cart horse or he could've just stomped the car What is WRONG with some people? Why risk stress/accidents/worse for the sake of not waiting a few seconds? GRRRRRR Well done you for giving him a piece of your mind!

By 'chunky discharge' do you mean red or non-red? Where are you cycle-wise? We need to know before we either commiserate or whip you up into a 2WOOFL/POAS frenzy

PS Big non-MN hug!

ponymum I'm either 7 or 9 DPO depending on whether it was a 26 or 28 day cycle.

Work? I'm being audited this week (training manager for my country) and I need to give a presentation and am being grilled for an hour.

Scorpette Now I can understand she was pissed off waiting for a couple of horses to cross the road and we were blocking the entire lane (it's a blind bend, I need drivers the other way to see me) - but she was trying to overtake on a blind bend which is never a sensible move anyway. It was a lady driver... with kids in the back.

Chunky discharge - erm... like chunks of white scrambled egg.

Oh and I've just walked the dogs and bigdog was bad and I stepped in cow shit. Wearing jesus creeper sandals.