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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

To TTC or not to TTC, that is the question... as Hamlet sort of said about something else entirely

993 replies

CHW · 12/08/2009 21:36

Hi,
Had few glasses of wine and have spent large part of the evening on this site. I am in two minds about a baby - or really, at the age of 35 (but Type 1 diabetic which can complicate thingss) and really ought to make a decision about whether to have a family or not.
I worry about cost, the changes it will make to our lives and, well, if I am actually just happy as I am. Me and DH discussed going for it, so to speak, sometime after the start of Aug (as did the London Triathlon before then so couldn't before then) and decided we would once the triathlon was out the way. Now it is and we are both stalling. But it is playing on both our minds - in the do we, or don't we way.

My babyometer keeps going haywire - any tips or things for me to also consider which may help us make a decision. I am also wondering if we are simply analysing things too much but beeing diabetic makes things more complicated (ie they need to be planned, in an ideal world at least.) Any help or food for thoughts would be MASSIVELY appreciated!

OP posts:
bebefreakout · 13/01/2010 22:45

I've done my duty tonight towards a cardie!

Confused really sorry about your friend made me all weepy when I read about it as a good friend of mine died last year (age 37) after battling cancer for just 6 months. It is the cruelest disease spreading from prostate to chest, spine and freakin everywhere very fast. Having said that modern medicine is so so good and he was given every possible treatment as will your friend who WILL RECOVER. Positive vibes ~~~~~~~~~

Feeling for you and love your idea of the gift for him x

confuseddoiordonti · 13/01/2010 23:10

Thank you bebefreakout - will be back tomorrow (to drained now!)

x

SeaGreen · 13/01/2010 23:33

fascinating docu on Titanic on MOre 4+1!

LeviStubbsTears · 14/01/2010 15:32

Am sneaking back on having placed an embargo on myself due to major essay and exam stress! But just wanted to send hug to confused in particular. I've been thinking about this, and should know something about it having been with my friend for most of the steps of a horrible process - but don't have much that is helpful to say, or not as helpful as what others have said and suggested anyway - think the picture is a brilliant idea.

The chemo suite where my friend was had a small very portable DVD player in with headphones and she and I watched DVDs sometimes when she was having her chemo - needed to be pretty undemanding but it was a good distraction. I don't know if his will have similar? Or you could even group together and get him one? Don't think they'd be very expensive these days. I also got one for my husband when he was in hospital having surgery last year and he really enjoyed getting away from it all and escaping that environment for a while, in his head at least. Can't remember how much it cost but don't think it was too much. Just a thought, anyway.

Right, better get shovelling handfuls of folic acid and zinc - or whatever it is that is supposed to work re. fertility (you'd think I might know by now...), if a cardie is at stake! (Mysterious Rise in Birth Rate in Early 2010 Sparked by Cardigan Rumours...)

Hope you're feeling OK today, confused, and family drama isn't too bad, HP (sorry, HP-SP...), and hi to everyone else.

Right back to work. If you see me on here again, shout at me! xx

(PS. I have befriended you on here, Suerock and the pics are still there so still don't know why you can't see them - sorry about that.)

SeaGreen · 14/01/2010 17:54

Mysterious Rise in UK Birth Rate in October 2010 Sparked by Cardigan Rumours

You could be forgiven for thinking that this was just depression-time baby-making- except that there is a deeper pact that seems to underlie this phenomenon. Pregancy rates have spiked all over the UK, from the south-west to the north-east, and there are unconfirmed rumours of a cardigan at the bottom of it all. We suspended our disbelief to interview a few such ladies but no one would either confirm or deny this mysterious connection. One lady walking down the high street, who refused to be identified, would only say: ?SueRock, if you?re out there, all I want to say is that it?s the moment of conception, not the BFP date, that counts. It?s me what should win.? On being quizzed about this cryptic message she would not give us any further details. She would only confirm that BFP meant Big Fat Present. Another was found in the pub sipping apple juice and moaning to her mates about the ?rainbow coloured cardie that slipped (her) grasp?. She too would neither confirm nor deny any connection to this mysterious cardigan conspiracy.
The government has declined comment on whether an MI5 investigation is underway on this mysterious case of the pregnancies, the present and the cardigan. This may well be the next unexplained mystery the world has seen. Watch this space for further updates as we try to get at the truth for our readers.

HoneyPetal · 14/01/2010 19:08

Ha ha haa ha ha ha ha haa!!

Back later.......

confuseddoiordonti · 14/01/2010 19:56

Love it - thanks SeaGreen, that's really perked me up!

LST - he's got private health insurance through work so had the treatment in a private hospital which was more like a hotel than a hospital. As well as things like DVD players there were also fluffy bathrobes and even Molton Brown toiletries! Good thought though all the same!

Bebefreakout thanks for your kind words. It is fucking cruel, and unfortunately he won't recover. However, I am hoping like mad that the chemo will do it's thing and freeze or even kill some of the cells. His treatment finally finished at 3am this morning, and he goes back in 3 weeks. Just reading about it last night (and fuck me, chemo is NASTY stuff) reduced me to a gibbering mess. Lets hope it'll all be worth it!

HP SP - hope the drama is now solved!

Suerock · 14/01/2010 23:21

SeaGreen

LeviStubbsTears · 15/01/2010 13:43

Oh well, confused - glad to hear he's got everything he could want on the comforts front - anything to make it a bit more bearable. I think someone said this already or something like it but maybe a compilation CD of tunes you know he likes might be good then.

Hope you're all doing OK. I'm on a bit of a red, which is a bit scary - read some statistics about high divorce rate in first 5 years after people have children... And just contemplating the daily grind of having them. We have a great life and a great relationship - am I just jeopardizing it? I wonder if I'm in part doing this for my parents - I owe them so much, and are so keen for me to have kids, but it's so the wrong reason to do it.

Anyway, sure I've said all this before. Just a bit of a wobble - natural, I guess, as IVF is more of a reality now. It is a serious question though - few of my pro-kid feelings are 'gut' feelings, IYKWIM. Am I about to make the biggest mistake of my life? (Rhetorical question - but do feel free to tell me!) I know Paws and Irons have been eloquent enough for anyone on the joy of having a child. It's just so hard to imagine the feeling.

Sorry, just a vent there - nothing new! I am basically spoilt for choice, literally - that's all there is to it.

Have a great weekend, all.
LSTx

YorkshireTeaDrinker · 15/01/2010 22:22

Evening all,

I think a wobble is pretty natural LST. I also think that we have a mixture of motivations and barriers to TTC. You probably are motivated in part by your parents wishes, I know I am (my sister lives in australia and I know how hard my Mum finds it having to do all her grandparenting in a four week slot every couple of years and she is desperate to have grandchildren she can be much more involved with). I also think its no bad thing, as long as you are also motivated by your own desire to be a mum.

The problem is, you can't predict what effect your child will have on your life until they arrive. And then its too late to change your mind... Children may make cracks that are already there in a relationship bigger, but they can make good relationships even deeper and richer.

I am mildly distracted from meaningful musing on the transformational effects of children on your life by the car crash telly that is 'Popstar to Operastar'. I'm pretty appalled with myself for watching really...

confuseddoiordonti · 15/01/2010 22:43

Hey, evening all!

LST wobble away! I think it's only natural really. I also can see why your parents would be a big influence in your quest to have a baby. I think, as YTD said, as long as it's not just for your parents it's okay.

I can relate to the worry about how it may affect your relationship too, as it is one of the things that worries me on and off too. I think, again, YTD, put it very well when she said it can make cracks bigger but also relationships stronger and I have seen both these effects with friends of my own.

I got a letter today from the ob's at the hosptial for the appt with them (about diabetic mothers to be.) It's for Feb 1st at 9am. Feel weird going in my current state of scarlet and, as he gets paid quite considerably by the hour, think it might be better if I went on my own instead of taking DH with me too. A reflection of my dithering is that I almost can't be arsed going at all (but will! if nothing else it could be quite interesting!)

Suerock · 16/01/2010 18:48

Remembering a topic of discussion some time back I thought I would share some exciting news - I've bought my first ever matching bra and pants! Will have to see whether DH is as impressed with this as I am....

LST - sorry to hear you're feeling a bit red. But don't believe every statistic you read (one of my pet rants is about the misuse of statistics, whether intentional or not, by the media!) - and they are only statistics. Sure, a baby will affect the relationship between two people, because they become three, or more, people, but everyone's circumstances are different. I feel sure that having a good relationship before children is the best possible start to having a good relationship after. Sadly, I know too many people who've decided to have a baby to try and patch up a rocky relationship, and it doesn't always work. And those sorts of families will contribute to the statistics you read about. Well, that's my theory! And I sympathise about pressure from parents - both mine and DH's would love grandchildren and don't hesitate to make this known....

PS LST - still struggling to see your photos - could you unlock your profile as I don't see anything when I wave the mouse over your name?

HoneyPetal · 16/01/2010 21:25

Families, eh, who'd have em?

Have missed out on a few posts, so trying to catch up.

Confused - hope the photo collecting is going ok, and that 'S' is recovering from any ill effects following his first chemo session. . It's exciting that you have got your appointment through - surely you must be on Stage 2 or 3 by now! Even if you feel red currently, it makes sense to go and collect more info. You never know when the greens will strike! Or a moment of mis-timed excitement

YTD - hope its's not too long before your results are back.

Suerock - yay on the foxy undies! Im sure they will go down a storm with DH. It's a nice feeling when you wear some great underwear, it always makes me feel more 'put together'.

In answer to your earlier question, I think you have probably guessed my location correctly! Have been t'Other Place many times for conferences and meetings, both are equally beautiful. I have actually got involved in our Women in Science group, it has been useful but sometimes a bit frustrating. For example, I went to a 'Combining children and a career in research' discussion, where the lead speaker was a woman. She had had an extremely successful career to date, and actively put off having children until she was 40, waiting until she got a tenured position. She kept saying 'if I can do it, anyone can do it' but seemed to be missing two critical points 1) She was a young high-achieving Professor on a good (for research) salary, and how many of us get to that stage? and 2) She freely admitted that she was unable to have a much wanted second child because of advancing age but she wouldn't have achieved so much if she had had a child earlier. Awesome. I left feeling disappointed and frustrated rather than inspired. What about all the normal post-docs on a normal salary who dont want to risk infertility by waiting until late 40s to reproduce?? Aaanyway, rant over! I know we try not to reveal too much, but I'd be interested to hear what you do now, I'm always nosey about other peoples career choices!

LST - I bet many people, even baby-obsessed people, have a red wobble when IVF becomes a reality. It's a big deal, physically and emotionally. It's interesting that you are feeling a bit of pressure from the family, that actually a few of you are. I think I've said before, my family have never mentioned anything about it to me, we are all quite a private lot and they wouldn't dream of saying anything. My other siblings have young children though, so that keeps the focus off us. Plus they know how long I've taken to become qualified and probably think I'm too busy to want kids! Now, DH's parents are more keen and have said the odd thing, but both families live over 200 miles away, so wouldnt be any use day-to-day, and indeed wouldn't form a big part of any childs life. Bit sad really.

Interesting discussion regarding the effect of babies on relationships. It is one of my big concerns, but Suerock is right, stats only reveal the larger picture (and are often misrepresented by the media!), they dont reveal the individual stories.

There seems to be a bit of a waft of red over the thread at the mo', aside from YTD . I feel quite amber, really pulled in two directions. I'm having a health issue that coming off the pill may either improve or make worse, so its becoming tempting to make that decision, at least. If I did, I would start taking folic acid, just in case, and then things might spiral out of control. Mainly I'm crapping myself about my contract finishing next year, as I keep doing the maths and have come to the following conclusions:
It's too late to fit a baby into this grant without massively disrupting the work or ending up with no maternity pay and no job when the grant runs out.
If we delay it until after I get a new job, I would be 35 before we could start trying. Mentally I might be more ready, but perhaps time isn't on my side?

Sorry, this has been a post of silly length. Hope you got to the end, at least!! And also hope everyone is having a good weekend.

confuseddoiordonti · 17/01/2010 00:01

Will keep this breif as off to bed shortly.

S had first chemo on Wednesday and so far has had no effects! Weird! However, he is on steriods which will run out tomorrow so wonders if things might effect him more then. His attitude is incredible and, as he's currently feeling comparatively bullet proof, his positivity is quie contagious. His prognosis, if the chemo works, is 1.5 to 2 years. Heartbreaking still, but quite a lot longer than I suspected (esp after the PET scan showed he's riddled with it.)

Only three pics so far but am expecting more will start coming in after the weekend. I have also decided that something like this will be a better idea than a picture. Due at least 70 pics so far so it should be doable.

I can't think of much to say about baby things which hasn't been said before so may call it a night for tonight. (I also have a bizarre thing going on where the ball of it has swollen so want to go and put my foot in the air.)

Till tomorrow, hope you're all having a nice weekend! (Our snow has gone, finally, hurrah!)

YorkshireTeaDrinker · 17/01/2010 13:19

Hello ladies,

Yay for suerock and her matching undies! It does help give a little bit of inner confidence knowing that your foundation garments are pretty snazzy.

Confused good news in the circumstances about S. Keeping positive can extend the time given by the clinician (My granny was given a similar timescale when her ovarian cancer spread, but she managed 5 years from initial diagnosis until she died). Hopefully the chemo will shrink the cancer and seriously delay its growth.

HP interesting dilema. And I'm not sure how much of an advocate for the work / family life balence having one child in 40s before everything dries up is! I have worked in HE (on a couple of JISC projects) before, but made the move accross to the NHS because I needed a permanent contract in order to get my mortgage (and for my own piece of mind!). I think it is unwise to try and think that you can actually combine motherhood with a career that is paced at the same rate as your male counterparts. You do need to take time out to have a baby and that will have an effect on your career. I think its just a gamble we have to take.

I am taking the view that I will have plenty of years to work after I have kids, so this is possibly a 5 year pause (I anticipate being part-time whilst it's (they're?) small) in up to 40 years of working life - which is a pretty small proportion really.
But I am very lucky in that I've managed to get myself to a position where I'm on a good salary, on a permanent contract and in a job that I could negotiate reduced hours. All I need now is to get bloody well pregnant! As I'll be a bit pissed off if, having manovered myself into a holding role (and turned down recent opportunities to progress), it turns out that we can't make our own babies after all!

On that subject, I'm steadfastly holding up the green end of the thread. We are now in the shagtastic phase of my cycle. DH is maintaining unwavering enthusiasm, but I am finding the daily shag routine pretty hard to keep up. I can't help but think its all a bit pointless anyway as I'm pretty sure I'm barren...

...and on that note I shall have have to drag my shrivelled old self to B&Q as DH has just given me a list of stuff that is required to get work in the bathroom started again.

seablue · 19/01/2010 13:17

Hello to everyone on here. I'm new here, and on First Time Frollickers. This thread realy caught my attention, partly because a (pregnant) friend just sent me "Women's Bodies Women's Wisdom", which exhorts me to do some kind of emotional family map which details all the illnesses family members have had, and attitudes to children they demonstrated, and then to answer the question "Why don't you want to have a baby". Seeing as this is our tenth try at this whole baby making lark, I'm wondering whether this is actually quite an apposite question. I worry that it's another way of me persuading myself that not getting pregnant is my fault somehow, but you can't get away from the anecdotal evidence that our psychological state does have some bearing on whether the whole thing actually happens. Anyone tried anything similar? It's so nice to find somewhere where it's OK to say that you're not completely convinced that having a baby will be completely fantastic, even though you've decided that you want one...

SeaGreen · 19/01/2010 23:03

sorry things have been manic with work.. will come back from the dead sometime soon this week..
..and welcome seablue !!!

bebefreakout · 20/01/2010 10:18

Hey seablue Everyone seems to be having a busy week... can't be arsed with the emotional family map but hhhmmmmmm "Why don't you want to have a baby"

Let's see...

  • Don't want to get fat (again) after losing 3 stone over last couple of years
  • Loss of the freedom to do what I want when I want it

Why do I want one?

  • Fear of missing out

I seem to be a selfish cow but am just going to carry on NPP and see what happens... it would be very ironic if I was barren and torturing myself unecessarily.

bebefreakout · 20/01/2010 10:25

Also add to the "don't" category...

fear of giving birth... have read the birth stories threads and they ain't exactly heart-warming...
I also have vivid recollections of being told aged 11 about 2 school friends mums that had died in or after childbirth within weeks of each other... is ok to make it clear to doctors that if anything went wrong that saving me is the priority? They always seem to want to save the baby on the tv!

seablue · 20/01/2010 15:31

bebefreakout don't worry i know for a fact they save the mother over the baby!

no wonder you're freaked out after those two mothers - that would scar anyone for life.

confuseddoiordonti · 26/01/2010 22:14

Hello...?
This thread seems to have died a death, especially after recent mass postings.
I have been reluctant to post as this is, after all (and I should know as I started it) a post about whether or not to have babies not about friends with cancer and all things that become connected with that. (As I brought it up, the picture thing has had very mixed responses - those who are into it are VERY into it and those against it have used the words 'tasteless' 'inappropriate' and 'wrong', and not forgetting the person who saw my email re pics and said it made him want to punch me.)
So, baby stuff? I am red. Totally fucking reed (s'cuse my French) to the point of cancelling my appt with the consultant and not rearranging another at a later date (to be honest, they only have appts on Friday mornings which wouldn't have been compatible with work and I wasn't bothered enough to put it above work.)
I wonder if this constant redness will change, or maybe I am just naturally red and the flashes of green I had previously where just that, flashes.
How's everyone else?

HoneyPetal · 27/01/2010 08:14

Hi! I know, it's all gone quiet lately. I've still been checking in case anyone posted or had some news.

I can't believe someone has spoken to you like that, I think it's shocking. Is he normally an aggressive person? I'm amazed as I don't think there is anything controversial in the scheme, I just hope it's more about peoples own difficulties with the situation and you bore some of the brunt of that. Not that that justifies that response. I also hope you sent him a few choice words back. How is S doing?

Part of my reason for not posting is my 'overwhelmed' feelings came back, and stress levels started rising again. To add to this, DH and I have taken the (joint) desision not to buy a house this year, as it seems just too close to the end of my job and buying a house where we currently live would limit my employment options in a years time. So once again, things are on hold. I feel ok about it, disappointed and relieved at the same time.

Regards babies, I'm still all over the place. My two options are do it now and try to conceive in the next three months, or wait at least two years. Again, I'm sick of thinking about it, especially as I'm the only one in this relationship who ever gives it a second thought

So did you cancel the appointment, then? You have to do the best with how you feel at the time, and if it didn't feel right, it didn't feel right. Regards the red, I have always thought my aim with all this was to work through how I feel, and if the end result was 'I don't want to have children' then so be it. Equally if I felt any hormonal leanings towards a family, at least the decision would be made. Either way, I am comfortable that I gave it a lot of consideration. Saying that, I'm embarrassed to admit it but I'm so jealous of people who know what they want, I'm getting obsessed with it, in a 'WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???' kind of way.

Right, enough of me. I hope everyone is ok, LST and YTD must be gearing up for test results/the next steps soon. I still have my fingers crossed for both of you.

Take care all, HP-SP

LeviStubbsTears · 27/01/2010 16:36

Hi there

Was thinking 'I'm going to have to catch up with a load of stuff', but looks like there's been a lull.

I can't believe your 'friend''s reaction to what you're doing, confused - as HP says, surely that must be more to do with him than anything else. Seems incredibly strange, as well as horrible.

Don't know if there was a link implied between your redness, confused and this other horrible stuff that's going on (I can only speak for myself but personally think it's absolutely fine to talk about anything on here (especially this, if it helps) and that this thread at least has gone beyond its notional 'topic', while probably usefully coming back to it fairly regularly!). Can understand if you've got too much else in your head at the moment. I really don't understand people being negative - I'm sure your friend will appreciate all of this hugely, and he's the one that matters.

I'm a whirlwind of mixed feelings (and like HP am getting sick of my own indecisiveness - am trying to work out project idea and (related to this) career plans, as well, and being rubbish ditherer about this too). Having said that, saw on another thread that there might be as much as 6 months between my initial IVF consultation (now in early Feb) and the start of treatment, which totally dismayed me. I took this year as unpaid leave in part to do the course I'm doing but mainly to be at home every night (I have to stay away 2-3 days a week in my normal job) and less stressed so that any treatment would have a chance of working (and that hope against hope it might happen naturally...). Can't believe I might be back at work before the treatment even starts, and stressed out of my mind because I'm behind with publication and a host of other things after this year 'off'. Great.

Hopefully it will be quicker than that, but somehow any delay seems bad - I thought I would more or less start by mid-Feb. Silly to have made any assumptions, I guess.

Anyway, sounds like I'm quite green again, although I'm not sure this entirely follows (logical? me?!). I think I am probably over my wobble though, after a lovely weekend in Ireland with DH's nieces (4 and 8) and friends of mine who have lovely girls (3 and 5), all of whom are gorgeous. And spent some of today in a cafe (working, honest...) with the most beautiful babies (and mothers for that matter - want to be that gorgeous if and when I'm a mum - actually now would do!).

Anyway, sorry to go on. Hope you're all ok and Welcome seablue! The whole thing about career and babies is or can be a nightmare - reveals the true (lamentable) state of women's rights/equality etc. and desperate need for feminism to continue, in my view - and is paralysing me a bit in terms of deciding for or against a career change, as it sort of depends on whether or not I have kids as to whether I can make a go of the new thing or not (I know I've gone on and ON about this before...). But the women in my department all had at least two babies, albeit quite late, and seem to just about hold it together and progress. Haven't dared ask them how and how it has been, although I guess if I a) get pregnant and b) stay, I might pluck up the courage.

Anyway, enough - have to go and shop for presents for friends we're seeing at the weekend, and food shopping for dinner tonight (why is it always me that does both these things?! See feminism comment above!). Hope you're feeling ok, confused, and if red, happy to be so (which I think would really be the best option, to be completely honest, if I thought I'd stay there for the rest of my life!). And that everyone else is having a good, or at least not bad, week.

LSTx

confuseddoiordonti · 27/01/2010 18:57

Hi all, Tricky to post at work so had to wait till I got home.
To clarify, the person who was so incensed by the idea of the pictures didn't speak to me, he emailed a mutal friend instead. It's an old collegue of S's. The mutual friend he emailed is doing the pics and explained why. The only reasoning I have had from some of those who don't like the idea is that it may ram home to S that he is dying and that may be too much. All the blog stuff is on his terms so is quite different to someone handing him something like I plan to. However, I have just been on the phone to S and still think, pretty much, that it is a good idea. Unfortunately, I have plenty of people promising things which, so far, haven't materialised. I suspect, as these things can, that the more who decide it's inappropriate the more who will follow suit. This is a big shame and I do hope it's not the case, but after the initial enthusiasm from some there hasn't been much else. We shall see...

Redness, hmmm. Maybe it is due to everything else going on too (not really condusive) or not but, and this is a very weird place to say this I know, sometimes I read threads on this site and think 'ugh, do I really want to turn into one of those people?'! I cancelled the appt as it couldn't be rearranged to a time which would be okay with work but I also think that I would have felt a bit of a fraud going anyway. It's an appt with a consultant about my, supposed, imminent pregnancy and it's not remotely what I want at the moment. I think it would be very hard not to snort dismissively at the very suggestion!

Good luck everyone else with their baby plans, or not baby plans and hope to hear more from you all soon - all those with IVF plans or other tests, do keep us posted and good luck! x

HoneyPetal · 27/01/2010 19:22

Just a quickie, about to eat and watch tv.

I didn't see it in a 'goodbye' way, much more of a 'hello! We are all thinking of you while you go through this. You are not alone'. If anyone else gets shirty send them this way, I'll give them what for

Babies babies babies. What's to be done? I'm sure all the stress and upset isn't putting Confused in a green frame of mind. Although, when I hear stories like S's, it really makes me think - family is important, being loved is important, and fear shouldn't stop one doing things.

But I do enjoy my fully functional pelvic floor.....

(also, I am around all day tomorrow if anyone is off, sat next to a computer and is bored!)