To TTC or not to TTC, that is the question... as Hamlet sort of said about something else entirely

[CHW]

Hi,
Had few glasses of wine and have spent large part of the evening on this site. I am in two minds about a baby - or really, at the age of 35 (but Type 1 diabetic which can complicate thingss) and really ought to make a decision about whether to have a family or not.
I worry about cost, the changes it will make to our lives and, well, if I am actually just happy as I am. Me and DH discussed going for it, so to speak, sometime after the start of Aug (as did the London Triathlon before then so couldn't before then) and decided we would once the triathlon was out the way. Now it is and we are both stalling. But it is playing on both our minds - in the do we, or don't we way.

My babyometer keeps going haywire - any tips or things for me to also consider which may help us make a decision. I am also wondering if we are simply analysing things too much but beeing diabetic makes things more complicated (ie they need to be planned, in an ideal world at least.) Any help or food for thoughts would be MASSIVELY appreciated!

Hi SeaGreen, take your time as its a bit of a faff, we've all had various problems. I think Suerock logged in as a second 'fake' person and couldnt see our identifiable pictures, so hopefully all is well.

Yes, I think you need a parachute to walk safely in Louboutins. I want black patant court shoes with the narrow heel, classic but beautiful. Your wedding shoes are gorgeous - you are so lucky to have been in the know for all the wedding stuff. I still think thats a cool job!

Hello, sorry to jump in on the thread. I've been reading a few bits (well, first, second and last pages really) and I felt a little emotional. I can totally understand why it is so hard to make this decision. I put it off for a long time for some of the reasons you ladies have stated (cost, early mornings, school runs etc.) but I knew I always wanted to have a child. Cutting a long story short I was told by my consultant I shouldn't put it off until my 30s because then it may never happen. So after my 29th birthday we started ttc and it happened in just 3 months! So much for listening to the consultant! I now have a little girl age 6 months. I tell you what, it is bloody hard work and extremely tiring. It costs a bloody fortune with all the baby paraphernalia required and there have been nights when I've been in tears with lack of sleep and days when DH and I have been on the verge of divorce through exhaustion and stress. But you know what, there is one thing that keeps me going. It is this unexplainable overwhelming feeling of pure and utter love. A love that I have never felt for anything or anyone else. Sadly I can't even say I have loved my husband the way I love this little girl. Even my precious dogs have had to take a back seat. It is this love that gives me the energy to do the things I have to every day and it is this love that actually makes me enjoy doing it all, even at 6am when I've been up 3-4 times in the night. And there are moments, so many moments, when it all becomes so worthwhile. I know, maybe I do sound sad, I can't explain it. It just is that way.

Having said that, I'm all finished with having babies and I won't be having another

Yay! I can see LST! Looking lovely and really happy. Yep, HP's guess was a bit far out! . I love the picture of you and DH under the confetti - the kids did their job well!

It's been great seeing us all. We have probably shared pictures of us at our most glamerous, I did add the pictures of me looking plump up mountains as ballast to the big dress glamour!

HP is probably closest to my mental image of her, although I have her accessorised with white coat and microscope, rather than white frock and flowers! Confused is much bloder than I imaginged and Suerock far more slender. LST is also slimmer than I imagined and with shorter hair!

Its great to see you all as your lovely selves and somewhat comforting to know that you are all real people and I haven't spent months talking to imaginary friends!!

I think being in a more settled place house and finance wise does make a huge difference to whether your start having more green days than red. I can't imagine ever being 100% ready, and if I were to get a BFP now, we'd have to get started on a serious DIY frenzy, but we're more ready than not.

Expensive shoes eh? I habit I've flirted with. I briefly owned a pair of Jimmy Choos, but I could hardly walk in them and put them back on ebay (sold them at a profit - not a completely wasted exercise). I can't even go there now. I have a new kitchen to fund.

For one night only, HP looking less glam than at my wedding. I have uploaded a graduation picture, it was taken 18 months ago and I look cold and windswept! It was flipping freezing and I was wrapped in that thin black garment.

Irons - thank you so much for posting for us. I assume if you were seeing a consultant that he recommended you TTC before 30 for medical reasons? Congratulations on the arrival of your little girl! It seems that it can be just as much of a shock when it happens quickly as well as when it takes longer than expected. You just dont know until you try though! From what you say, its a real mix of highs and lows, balancing the tiredness and stress with the love you feel for the baby. Its interesting you say you dont want any more, though.....

Oooh, just had a look. I think that is more how imagined you to be, now I think of it although now I have 'seen' you all it's easy to forget what I thought!

Irons, thank you, that's a lovely post. It is also great to know that this is the case - I am hoping this will indeed be the case when I or if I do it myself and I think the same goes for the rest of us too. A friend of mine says she would have another like a shot, despite no cash and all the usual worries (she is also a single parent).

Jimmy Choo's? This may sound weird, but they remind me of work! (My old work, I mean!) I had 'borrowed' several pairs before for nights out but had to be extra careful nobody saw the soles as they always had a sticker on the bottom saying 'Please Return to Jimmy Choo Press Office' He does a lovely pair I kind of liked - from the Bridal range, a pair called Emma (can't find them on this website) - but the heel would have been waaaay too high. Lurching foreward as you walk is never a good look, but especially on your wedding day!

Hi All, Thanks for the welcome on Fri - it's great to find you!

Boy do you lot post...a lot... so much to read and so little time...

The wedding dresses and plans all sound great when I suss out how to work this thing I'll try and have a look! I got married in a red dress (brunette) which everyone loved apart from my grandad who thought it was slutty unusual but hey ho...

Also funny about the house buying stuff... our first place we bought after viewing only one other... dh didn't even see it until the day we moved in as was working away at the time. We moved into our "dream" home 14 months ago which we have been renovating since and it was the only one we viewed...I know what I like!

Actually feeling very positive about ttc after browsing mn... We have the means financially a great home, good jobs - and I work from home full-time: other people dream about being in this situation so they can start a family... I actually feel guilty for not being sure it's what I want.

But I don't think feeling guilty for not having a child is a good enough reason to have one?

Anyway...

Enough of the deep stuff... was anyone else shocked at how horny they were after coming of the pill?!? It's been years since I was this wanton.

Hi bebefreakout, I wondered if you'd left us already!

I don't think we normally post this much, I think we all got carried away due to looking at pics. As we have been posting fairly regularly but not relentlessly since August it was weird (in a nice way) putting actual faces to the 'names.'

As for whether feeling guilty about not having a child means you should have one, I haven't a bloody clue! I suppose we have all been pondering that very same question, in various guises, since August and are still none the wiser. Granted, some are more keen than others but it is still such a big leap that one can't help having pangs of doubt.

About coming off the pill and turing into a brazen hussy, it was about a year ago now but, er, yes I do know what you mean! I was also on Microgynon (for about ten years, can't remember the one before that) and have since read that it is notorious for supressing things. In fact, once I came off the pill (under Dr's instruction, not my own) it made me more anti-pill and all the shit it does with your body. As I went on it at 15 (heavy periods, not for contraception) I didn't know what it was like to be pill free. I also worried that I'd have lonbg heavy periods like I used to, and the element of control made me keen to stay on it too (the option of running packets into one another if we went on holiday for example.) However, since I have been off it my periods haven't been much different - still two days max and reasonably light - and I agree about the sex drive!

Right all, Im off to bed soon, so I'll say 'goodnight'.

Ive had a right laugh this weekend, and thanks for the chance to see you all! Its been really fun.

Hope everyone has a better journey to work tomorrow than we have been having.

PS: The rumoured increase in pill-free sex drive is the ace in my hand of cards for DH....

evening confuseddoiordonti not left... just another really busy weekend - where do they go?

I was on dianette from age of 17-28 and then switched to Yasmin for last 3 years. Since coming off I am really shocked at how much it has affected my sex drive from not being bothered most of the time to wanting it all of the time! I have also become pretty anti-pill now - just because I didn't want a baby doesn't mean I don't want any sexual feelings at all. It never occured to me to use another method before as it was so effective (and also sorted out my teenage acne) but I don't think I would want to go back to it now... I feel like a teenager again

Oooh, HP, you devious woman!

I am secretly hoping the snow here will be so bad that risking travelling to work will not be an option! However, it's only an hour walk on a good day so I think they'll see through any excuses.

Night and thanks to all for the pic sharing, it's been fab!

bebefreakout I was very similar. A lot of people I knew who had gone on it when they were in their 20's didn't get on with it and I thought I was just lucky. Now I think I was just used to it. I was told to come off it as Type 1 diabetic as well as being 35 so tried the coil - sorry if TMI but it couldn't be fitted and my god it hurt! Like someone is jabbing you with a coathanger. No wonder it's a contraceptive! So we use nothing apart from, ahem, withdrawing and no 'accidents' so far.

Ok- here goes- pix up and have added you as MN mates- you should be able to see them! Will keep them on for a bit.
Suerock - did YOU make those cardigans? They are beautiful!! love your dress too! for some reason it reminds me of the tudor age!
LST - do add me as an MN mate so I can see your pix?

Hi there

Just a quick one as in the university library with a lecture soon - I really did add you a couple of days ago, SeaGreen - don't know why you can't see my pics. I, on the other hand, can see yours - gorgeous! You look stunning in the wedding pic.

It has been fun, hasn't it?!

Thanks, Irons - lovely and thought-provoking post. I am almost nervous of the kind of love that you describe, and all the responsibilities and fears it brings with it - but I do want to experience it. Gulp.

Anyway, no time to dwell on it now (won't stop me though, no doubt!).

Speak later. x

Evening!

SeaGreen - I didn't realise you looked like that! I was under the impression you'd be blonde outdoorsy (due to dog) and, er not sure what else really but I certainly didn't think ahem ahem (she says not wanting to give too much away!)

Your wedding photo is beautiful! I love the colours (and they SO would not suit me!) And as for that labrador - sigh! How gorgeous is he/she! In fact, excuse me while I sneak off for another look!

Gorgeous dress, SeaGreen, you look stunning!

I think we all did ourselves proud on our wedding days! Perhaps worthy of a spread in Confused wedding mag, even!

Speaking of which, not wanting to bring up last nights contraceptive revelation from Confused in the cold light of day, but I feel compelled to.....so, you aren't actually employing any physical measures? That puts you right back in the running, lady, forget me and my unlikely pill-BFP!!!

We did ourselves proud indeed! Shame, in my case anyway, we don't normally look like that and have also put on quite a bit since! (I went to Boots and went on the 'I Shout Your Weight' machine - drastic action is now being taken!)

Anyway, contraceptives. No, we use nothing now apart from the, er, pulling out at key moments. No mistakes either - and this is with the dog free weekend bonk fest on the most fertile days when it was my birthday. Hence, I suspect I'm not rampantly fertile! (It wouldn't be DH as he has a child, now 16.)

I know, Im meant to be starting a new healthy eating/exercise push, but the crap weather and my lack of motivation seem to be interfering with the plan! I want to lose about 5 or 6 pounds, knowing my luck it will be 3 pounds off each boob that will go, leaving my thighs untouched.

Without putting too fine an, er, point on it, your DH must have the selfcontrol of a monk!!

Beautiful wedding picture SeaGreen, you look stunning. And your dog is gorgeous.

In fact, the pictures of your lab and Confused's collie got me really thinking, "oooh, how cute, I want one" in a way that pictures of babies never do.

Hi bebefreakout. In the frenzy of photo related posting over the weekend, I forgot to say hello and welcome you to the ditherers thread! We are not generally this prolific, but we are one of the friendliest corners of Mumsnet.

I'm not sure if feeling guilty for not having a child is a good enough reason to have one, but its probably a valid contributing factor. I know a few people who's reasons for starting a family have been fairly negative (i.e. not wanting to miss out on a major life experience / don't want to regret not having them later) rather than being positive about really wanting children. Once they have kids, they are all agreed that its the best thing they have every done. Admittedly my sample size is very small, but I don't think you have to be certain that you want children in order to give it a go.

As irons says (lovely post, by the way Irons, thanks for sharing with us) when you do have a child you get this "unexplainable overwhelming feeling of pure and utter love". There are lots of similar comments in the NYT link that Seagreen posted a few days ago. I'm sort of expecting that, should we manage to have a baby, that that's what will happen and I'll manage.

I have just laughed out loud at the comment 'you DH must have the self control of a monk'!

Dogs, eh, YTD. I have one half curled up on my lap as I type (she must be cold) and I get SO soppy about dogs, but not babies. Glad it's not just me who's weird!

So, today I am food obsessed as I am trying to eat less of it (and drink less, which I think is one of the main reasons I have this spare tyre in the first place.) I have also just been looking at some friends pics on Facebook and my friend who's ill is on there looking far older than he did when I last saw him. I guess it's the weight loss as that can be ageing (a small price to pay in my case!) but he does look his age. Having a bit of a wobble, I think. Back in a sec, going to hug the dog

Thank you! It's weird getting support from people you don't actually know (but now know what they look like!) but I have to say it's been really helpful. I have been remembering the thing YTD said about my DH not really getting why I was so upset, when she said to understand it's my grief and not his. She is very right but I needed someone to point it out (too much not being able to see the wood for the tree's going on.)

Right, where were we? Ah, yes, babies. Or no babies. I think this motherhood malarkey must be something you have to experience to understand as, despite posts from the likes of pawsandclaws and irons I still can't commit. I'd be gutted if I found out it was impossible, but I am not too keen on getting cracking either. Although, as I have said already this evening, I don't get the impression my eggs are in tip top condition as I ain't had any mistakes surprises so far! However, sods law would dictate that if we did bear that in mind and start TTC despite house / DIY / cash situation thinking it would take forever it would probably take a month!

I hope we have been (and continue to be) a tiny bit of support, there is always an ear to bend, or just listen, here. It's such a difficult time for you. And although we all haven't physically met, you all know more about what is going on inside my head at the moment than anyone else, even more than DH. This place gives me space to breathe, and try to work through all this with likeminded people. Cheers, all!

I don't know how successful a method of contraception withdrawal is to wonder if there is a that you haven't had an accident! Maybe he really is controlling himself at all times! Tell me to sod off if you want, but in the heat of the moment is it not tempting to go 'ah, bugger it'? I take it he doesn't get on with barrier methods? If I came off the pill we would probably go down that route.

Hmm, I have wondered over the last few days what it would be like if we did meet - think we might suddenly freeze up! Or possibly just sit there looking at each other! It's fab having some like minded souls to go on to (and not just about baby related thinks.) So cheers from me too!

I am more against barrier methods than him, really. I can't bear them! It's the stopping and starting and also (sorry if TMI) once it's on you can't take it off and put it back on again. (Am now sat here with red face ) When I saw the nurse at the GP's surgery she was shocked we were 'only using condoms' and promptly gave me a box of 24 as well as info on the coil - I didn't dare tell her the truth!

I think it would be weird for five minutes, then we wouldn't shut up. The reason we found eachother is that we have a lot in common at this point in our lives. It's already odd to think of us spread over the country, chatting to eachother!

I'm laughing at the nurse being horrified at you, a married couple, 'only' using condoms! Isn't that what all the advice is to super-fertile teenagers having drunken one night stands? Not very comforting. My doc said he wouldn't recommend the coil to me as I haven't had any children. After seeing the 'beautiful cervix' photos, I can kind of see why! Plus, the thought of having it put in makes me tremble. So it would be cycle tracking and condoms for us, if we decide to go down that route. Not loving the 90% success rate, though!

Is it only 90%?! Blimey. Yes, the nurse did say it in a way I imagine she also talks to dippy sex mad teenagers! Rather like when the coil fitting didn't happen (ugh - and I was told repeatedly the modern one's were okay for people who hadn't had children) and she then insisted I go back on the pill (after insisting I come off it.) She must me amazed I'm not pregnant by now!

Hmm, shame we are all over the country really isn't it now I think about it.

Just about to do some ironing. I am also limiting the amount of time I am on here when DH is about as he's getting curious and i don't want to have to tell him he can't look! Hence, I'm going to do a few jobs and then come back, rather than leave all jobs to him and glue myself to laptop. Am still desperate for an iPod touch - not sure where that last bit fits in but there we are!