To TTC or not to TTC, that is the question... as Hamlet sort of said about something else entirely

[CHW]

Hi,
Had few glasses of wine and have spent large part of the evening on this site. I am in two minds about a baby - or really, at the age of 35 (but Type 1 diabetic which can complicate thingss) and really ought to make a decision about whether to have a family or not.
I worry about cost, the changes it will make to our lives and, well, if I am actually just happy as I am. Me and DH discussed going for it, so to speak, sometime after the start of Aug (as did the London Triathlon before then so couldn't before then) and decided we would once the triathlon was out the way. Now it is and we are both stalling. But it is playing on both our minds - in the do we, or don't we way.

My babyometer keeps going haywire - any tips or things for me to also consider which may help us make a decision. I am also wondering if we are simply analysing things too much but beeing diabetic makes things more complicated (ie they need to be planned, in an ideal world at least.) Any help or food for thoughts would be MASSIVELY appreciated!

To all of you above - GO FOR IT!!

You won't be sorry. And the sooner you start trying the better because it can take some time and doesn't always happen.

You will never have enough money. It will never be the right time. But you will cope and in a few years time you can't imagine not having them. O yes because once you have one you of course think the poor soul can't grow up alone without a sibling...

And a glass of wine or two while trying to conceive is fine - makes it better I think!! Just remember to take your folic acids tabs every day. Good luck!!

Sibella1 - every so often someone like you comes along and makes us all go super green! I realise there never is a right time due to money / jobs etc but it still does seem hard to take that plunge! I can in my head (all the time in fact, and then I swing right back round to red again) but there are still things (house and cash at the moment for us) that make me think that it would be better to hang on. However, like you say, it may take a while and this too is something I keep thinking about - there is no reason it won't take us up to a year to concieve and so, really, we're better off getting cracking now. Me and DH have suggested we start ttc in the New Year but then this may have been put back due to moving - I think the pressure and frustration of houses falling through and all the other crap that goes with house buying would be too much if we had a deadline that could not be moved. However, the house will be ready in a month or so and the house up the road from us which is just like ours sold AFTER THREE DAYS - and it was a mess! Well, not a mess but it had no central heating and had been decorated some time ago by old people so lots of swirly carpets, brown woodchip etc. And the bathroom was horrendous. It was very encouraging to see how quickly it sold, I have to say (and our house, as well as being all done up, is in a nicer location on the street as we have a lovely view whereas this house just looked onto the other side of the terrace.)

Shit - I think I am talking myself into things aren't I? Off for a walk in a bit with the4 friend with the baby I met the other week - the one that made me all weird. I may come back and jump on DH immediately!

Argh! Have to brian dump here. So, you have been warned!

Not sure if it's PMT or just the stress of living in a fucking shithole house that's having work done but EVERYTHING, inc DH, is doing my head in!

I got really pissed off with him earlier as he was on about changing a tile in the bathroom as it has a crack in it - THE TILE IS UNDER THE BATH. Changing the tile will mean limited bathroom use for 24 hours which isn't too horrendous but for the fact that the whole house has been in a massive state of disarray for over four weeks now. There is dust everywhere, boxes, tools etc and DH seems to think that the place needs to look like a showhome before we put it on the market. He said that the tile that's broken in the bathroom will show up on the survey, SO?! Noone ever pulled out of buying a house over a broken and hidden tile did they? The house up the road sold in THREE DAYS and was a mess. Despite this, DH, who works slowly at the best of times, thinks we need to do things such as paint the outside, repaint the bathroom (painted 3 years ago, it does not need doing again), 'fix the window's' - whatever that means, I didn't even know there was anything wrong with the bloody window's - and, and this is especially ridiculous, put a small bed in the study room so potential viewers can see it can be used as a bedroom as well. I then convinced him to just buy some foam and he then started fussing about whether a potential buyer sat on it or not. Why on earth would they be sitting on it?!
This house doesn't need this much work and the mess and everything - you get the idea - is just too much. It doesn't seem to bother DH much but I just want to be able to relax and feel comfortable. I am cleaning constantly to try and make it feel a bit better but there is only so much you can do with all the tools everwhere and all the kitchen cupboard piled in the middle of the room. And now he is on about starting in our bedroom too while he's waiting for the stuff in the kitchen to dry - NNNNOOOOOO!

Plus, he is just driving me mad anyway. It may well be PMT as I am getting fucked off with him talking at me while I am trying to MN, eating crisps, scrolling through every channel announcing nothing's on and then watching tv all night regardless while commenting on the crapness of what he is watching etc etc. Now he's got the hump as he said he wants to watch a film and I said, not grumpily but not interested 'oh' and carried on typing. Apparently there is 'no need to be like rhat'. Maybe not but do feel as if I need to escape.

Now hiding in (freshly cleaned - again) bedroom with red wine.

Brain dump over.

Thanks.

Excuse typing, am on DHs iPod Touch. While he is not looking, obviously.

Poor Confused, that sounds like a pile of crap. I hope you are feeling better this morning. It is horrible having the house turned upside down, especially if you are doing the work to sell it. I think you should do the work to the minimum you need to sell and get a good price -after all, most people want to redocorate to their taste (or no taste!) when they buy a house anyway. Good luck - aren't you in London this weekend? Have fun and forget about tiles and varnishing.

(also, if you do have a touch of PMT, he should be grateful that he doesn't have a drill waved in front of him in a pseudo-threatening manner!!)

I'm off dreaded Christmas shopping, run ladies, save yourselves!

Thanks for the moral support! I feel a bit better today and think that is was mainly PMT which I don't usually get but did this time. I think the house is fine too but DH is now on about doing the windows - I pulled a face and he said he wanted to get the most profit he can so we can wipe out the debts etc. All good points, but I still think he's getting carried away. We decided we wanted the house before we'd only seen the upstairs and think that a lot of people are similiar. You'll realise it's a very instinctive thing when you start looking for your house come January. Anyway, nothing I can do really, it's not that I haven't tried.

Am off to London next weekend - Friday night to Monday night. Looking forward to it - will be great to see my friends etc as well as escape from the tip. Think my mess threshold is quite low and DH's is quite high.

Good luck with the shopping - have you many to buy for? I managed to buy quite a few things months ago so only have a few little things to get now. DH has loads of nephews and nieces (the nephews esp are both ungrateful and greedy - and at 17 and 19 there's no excuse if you ask me) which tends to cost us a fortune. Call me a tight arse but I am loathe to spend £20 each on 5 neices / nephews now, it's not like they're little and get giddy about Christmas like someone who's under 12. They are now surely old enough to realise what things cost and therefore not ask for cash etc (as can often get CD's, for example, on-line far cheaper.) Saying all this, I am being most hypocritical as last night, fuelled by red wine and grumpiness, I ended up bidding on various things on Ebay which, really, I shouldn't have done (couldn't resist it, all brand new with labels etc etc.) Ooops! None of them were Christmas presents either Now hoping I'll be outbid as we had to take the dog to the vets this morning which cost £50. Silly me.

There should be a button you can press in Ebay, labelled PMB - PreMenstrual Bidding. Once pressed, you can withdraw the bid, namely as soon as hormone levels return to 'normal' quantities.

How was the rest of your weekend - any better?

Christmas shopping was moderately successful. We have about 20 people to buy for, mostly adults who should know better. We have a small number of little ones to buy for, which is fun, but the whole thing works out to be quite expensive, as you say. Im really looking forward to Christmas this year though, mainly because 2009 has been a pretty rubbish year, so I am going to celebrate the back of it!

I dont know whats wrong with me, I too should be having some PMT, its my pill-free-week, but I feel great. I feel good and positive, about the house, saving, work, even the scary TTC decision. I feel a bit drunk on hormones. Maybe the antibiotics have messed with my fake cycle this month? Cant wait until tomorrow when I crash and start ripping people's heads off.

GREEN. GREEN. GREEN.!!!!!

The PMB is an excellent idea. I may suggest it.

Rest of weekend was indeed better. I spent most of it outside with the dog keeping out the way (DH now doing the window's which means taking them off - the house is the same temp inside as it is out.)

Feel like a big blob though, mainly due to too much wine consumption, the excuse being that it takes the edge off the state of the house. We are also going to go for a drink later too - again, to escape the mess and freezing temps - and pick up a takeaway as can't really cook at the moment. Kitchen goes in tomorrow so think a MAJOR overhall of eating and drinking habits will be neccessary then and I shall also have no excuses not to cook properly.

Yep. Happy hormones gone, on-edge hormones here. Great.

Hope the kitchen went in ok - enjoy it! Today was the first day of my pre-Christmas health kick. Didnt get to the gym due to busy day at work but didnt eat any crap either. Surely I have lost 3 pounds?

Ive been doing some more sums. Just dont see how we could afford to have a baby, especially if we want to buy a house. We are just trying to fit too much into too short a time, driven by the economy (!) and my biology. The only thing I can think of doing is trying to get a higher paid job, somehow.

I know everyone keeps telling us 'there is never a perfect time' and 'you will never be able to plan the financial aspect', but also maybe some circumstances mean it is just not possible.

Evening ladies,

Been thinking about the "maybe some circumstances mean it is just not possible" conundrum. I'm taking a bit of an ostrich approach to our financial position (we still have about £8k of debt left to pay off and a house in need of substantial amounts of doing up) and have decided to obay the demands of biology. Having said that - maybe my ovaries are linked to my bank account and that's why we seem to be having no luck getting a BFP?

I think you are right, there are some times when its just not practical. I wouldn't have wanted to conceive a couple of year sago, when we were planning a move and a wedding simultaneously. Although I'd been starting to think about the posibility of kids for some time before then. Once we were in our (large but pretty scruffy) house, I started to feel like it was a possiblity. That's partly why DH and I decided that we'd stop preventing pregnancy last year - we felt we were in a position to make the best of it if I did get pregnant. Cos we had a home, with plenty of space and our lives were pretty settled.

Actually, we'll be in probably the best position in about 6 months time, when debts will be down to easily managed levels and hopefully more decorating will have taken place. But I have tended to factor in the 9 month gestation period in my plans - I'll be working for 8 months of the 9 month pregnancy, so income reduction is still a while off.

I think what I'm trying to say in a really long winded way is that you are right to be practical and defer TTC until after the house purchase. But also bear in mind that conception doesn't often happen immediately and your financial position doesn't actually change until quite a long time after conception, so don't delay longer than you must.

So, with that in mind Confused tell you DH to stop fretting about the stuff that buyers won't see / care about and get that house on the market as soon into the new year as possible. You can't maximise profit whilst he's lavishing unnecessary attention on pointless detail, all of which means the house can't actually be marketed. Cos the sooner its on the market, the sooner it will sell then you can be on your way to hebden Bridge and TTC!

And HP, maybe you need to set a timetable for when you could start TTC post house buying? You know your situation best, but if the sums don't add up and you do what a child (and there is a lot of evidence on this thread to suggest you might ) then maybe you need to consider what neccessary adjustments (less desirable house? better paid job?) you'd need to make?

Sorry, I'm being a bit pushy about wanting you guys to start TTC. I've been consistantly green for the past week and am feeling a bit about the fact that we don't seem to have what it takes to make a baby. I'm going to give it another cycle after this one then go to the docs.

And that's the reason I'm being pushy - don't want you to leave it too late, cos it might take ages...

Hello all,
Right - lots to reply to. Firstly, the kitchen is not in yet. (This is week 5 now.) However, the end is in sight as the electrics are sorted and both the dishwasher and the washing machine are plumbed in. Tonight, we are going to (hopefully) be putting stuff away and will get our kitchen back properly, at least that's the idea.

On Sunday night me and DH went for a pint to escape the mess, and he said that he thinks the house will be fine with just a few minor tweaks. Thank god! Finally! The floor does need doing, but that's really it. It won't put on any more value making sure it's 'perfect' and may even take away from it's charm, or be a bit too finished for people's tastes. I was so relieved when DH said this as he has been driving me mad (as you all know...) However, just as I thought he was starting to see sense he added 'but I might do another coat of white in the kitchen.' I told him, in no uncertain terms, that he would NOT. Most assertive I was too!

HP - not sure what to say that hasn't been said umpteen times already. I think so many people must be in this situation but manage okay but I can understand your hesitation. Personally, I wouldn't want to just 'manage' if I could have the choice but perhaps the good bits outweigh the bad...? Perhaps look at things in stages, and try and bear in mind any possible breeding when looking for houses in January. Once the house situation is sorted, then look at the doing it up etc stuff, and then perhaps TTCing. Or not TTCing. God, I don't know! It's just a shame that cash is such an issue (for all of us, it seems.)

YTD I sometimes want to get cracking TTC right now, and other times want to hang on. Like you say, you don't know how long it will take. The nurses I have seen seem to think it could be a month or two, while on here, almost half of us 'regulars' have been at it for a while. It would make things so much easier if I did have an idea, as we could then work around it. If I was, say, 30 rather than 35 I would be more inclined to wait but I think it may be better to try now so any potential issues can be addressed while age isn't so much of a problem than wait a couple of years and then find out. (A friend of mine started trying at 35 and finally had a daughter at 44 due to egg donation and after lots of stress, IVF and the cost of around £25,000.)

Glad to hear the kitchen is not far off being done, confused. I had to laugh, because I think my DH is probably the exact opposite to yours - when we have to sell up and move on I suspect I'll struggle to get him to even clear up some of the clutter in the house. His view is that potential buyers are looking at the house and not how clean and tidy it is, which is true I guess! But I don't suppose we will be going anywhere soon, unless job-loss or twins intervene.

I've stuck my head in the sand and ignored the issue of cash vs baby - though I sometimes think 'university fees' and try and save as bit rather than splurging on myself. I'm telling myself that people on lower incomes cope, and a decade of being a student taught me how to manage constantly having no money! But I'll probably have a panic about this if I ever do get preggers. The idea doesn't seem very appealing right now though, which is a shame since it's coming up to a suitable time for some action

Afternoon ladies,

Just flitting by as am taking a swift break from stripping wallpaper in the dining room. The old lady we bought the house off was a heavy smoker and so was her (late) husband, so when I apply the steam stripper, loads of nicotine comes ozing out. Nice.

I've been reading this thread which has made me alternately terrified and envious and, at times, had me weeping at the accounts of the sheer exhausted wonder that most new mums seem to feel. I have no idea how, or indeed if, I'll cope with being a mum, but at the moment I just really want to have the chance to try...

Anyway, best not get too carried away, chances are this month will go the way of the previous 12 . Despite the horror stories I'm pretty green and am sort of hoping that the consistant pains I've been feeling in my abdomen for the past couple of days are signs of implantation activity. However, I don't really expect a BFP and my general indecision is such that I don't think I'll be too disappointed if not (we still have an awful lot of decorating to do before this house is ready to recieve a baby!)

Hope you are now enjoying your new kitchen Confused.

I have a new kitchen and I don't want to leave the house for, ooh, at least a week!
Came back last night after a good but exhausting weekend in London with the dog. DH had been sanding his guts out all weekend and the floor looks wonderful. I have spent today putting everything back and giving it all a massive clean and am now sat in the kitchen with a glass of wine and a roaring fire. It's bliss! Honestly, I can't enthuse about it enough!

YTD I hope you have a similar scenario on the cards very soon for your kitchen.

Hi All,

Its been ages - hope everyone is ok and having a fun build-up to Christmas.

Ive been trying to clear my head a bit, as you could probably tell from my last few posts I was (am! ) getting a bit stressed out about the whole situation. So, Ive been working very hard rounding off experiments before the end-of-year break, doing my Christmas shopping, planning a family party and trying to think about it all a bit less.

And I do feel a little bit better. Slightly less likely to have my ovaries explode and my lady-tubes wrap around my head (too much?).

So, has anyone got any news? Great news on the kitchen, Confused, you sound very relieved! Any of our dithering-but-trying-anyway ladies been doing any testing?

YTD - I did read that thread. Eek. But I guess the OP did ask for it. The mind-numbing exhaustion sounds like a big pile of crap fun. Its a bit worrying, as I think people like us (the ditherers) sometimes think, 'look, can it really be as mentally and physically shocking as I have built it up to be in my head?' and then you read something like that and, apparently, yes, it is!! But they all mostly said its worth it. And I totally understand your point about not putting it off too much given that we all arent exactly in the first flush of youth. Again, damn you Mother Nature.

Well. Im red right now and I have just put my repeat prescription in for 6 more pill-full months. We'll see what happens.

Hurrah! I am not talking to myself!
I am still enjoying every second of having our beautiful house. This weekend my mum and grandma came to stay and we spent went and windy evenings sat in by the roaring fire, with two sleepy dogs drinking red wine - bliss! I am making the most of it all as soon we will move but will also have financial freedom and money in the bank so I must look on the bright side.

No, no TTC news. In fact, I am pretty amber / bordering on red at the moment. Not passionately so, but more a general lack of interest. I think I have too many other things going on to give it much thought (this new job has started to become quite stressful due to this woman I work with and has reminded me just why I went freelance in the first place; life is too short of work pressure and office politics in my opinion!)

I don't really have much other news, if you can even classify what I just wrote as news. A look at my bank account has shown that Christmas shopping will have to be kept to a minimum and, to be honest, I am not too fussed really. We have two weeks off (almost) over Christmas and I can't bloody wait! With everything that's gone on (house, work etc) me and DH are both knackered and it will be wonderful to have some extended time off and be able to unwind. Just the kind of unwinding you CAN'T do when you have DC's in fact... Hmm, now there's a thought!

Hello ladies,

Your kitchen sounds fab confused I am very ous. However, we get to the end of our loan payments in February, so can consider funding for our new kitchen then.

Baby wise I am green but not glaringly so. Am probably going to go to the docs in the New Year to get myself checked for obvious barriers to conception, but for now I'm looking on the bright side of childlessness. We had a lovely lazy day today - long lie in, walk down the river, afternoon in the pub. But I'm of the opinion that I need to enjoy this freedom whilst I've got it - I still think I want to swap it for years of exhausted motherhood...

Hey, I know just what you mean re lazy days where you just please yourself. I LOVE those and we have had too few recently! Plus, I talk to people with children who get ridiculously excited about the prospect of a 'weekend off' and think I must surely be bonkers to want to follow in their footsteps? Do I really want 7.30am to be considered a LIE IN?! However, and I blame that evil mother nature, I feel as if something might be 'missing' if I don't too... (Not that I am doing anything about it.)

So, YTD, docs in January? As it's been a while it's a good idea. I think I would in case it's anything complicated that would take a while to sort out. Hope it's not though, obviously, and maybe it's just one of those things (ie you ovulate at funny times or something.)

Yes mother nature is pretty evil. I can see all the disadvantages but can't overcome teh urge to have a baby!

I am suspecting that if we do have a problem it might be something to do with me not being a suitable host. Ages ago I registered to take part in a clinical trial studying women with heavy periods (not long out of uni - needed the 'expenses') and I was turned down cos I had a bulky uterus. Apart from mild indignation ("are you saying my womb is fat then?!") and being a bit hacked off that my chance to earn some easy £ had been scuppered, I didn't worry too much about it. However, Heavy periods (and when I'm off the pill they can be pretty horrid) and a bulky uterus are both symptoms of endometriosis. So my self disgnosis is that my fat womb is having problems hanging on to a fertilised egg. Self diagnosis supported by a suspected early miscarriage in August (pre-charting and testing, so I can't be sure, but I had what I thought was an early period, which was v light, followed by a v heavy period a couple of weeks later, looking back I think it could have been an implantation bleed followed by v early mc). That's all probably a bit too much info, but you can see why I need to go to the docs - to stop myself asking Dr Google and then diagnosing myself with all sorts of problems!!

So, as this is our last month before we seek medical advise, DH has suggested we take a serious approach to TTC and make sure we just shag lots . The fact that TTC does appear to be taking a while does mean that DH has has plenty of time to get used to the idea - I think he is sometimes more enthusiastic about the idea than I am. He is certainly showing signs of thinking about it a lot more. Greeness all round in the YTD household!

That Dr Google has a lot to answer for! Sounds like you may be onto something there though, especially backed up by the stuff that came out when you wanted to do the clinical trial. Hope it's nothing too serious though and can be sorted out quickly, and, in the meantime, happy shagging !

Well, fingers crossed for a month of constant sex followed by a Christmas green-BFP!

Quick post, just got out of bath.

Read a mag article today about early menopause and how this woman came off the pill aged 37 to TTC and found that the pill had masked her symtoms and she was now post-menopausal. So now Im a bit worried. Might go and show DH it.

I shouldn't but I feel a bit better now reading about other people's worries re TTC. Am credit crunched beyond belief and have been waiting to start TTC for almost a year now (last christmas precisely is when we started wanting to). It has never been a good time since the day we decided to start TTC when the money situation would let us.. and now the situation is worse than it was a year ago! Doesn't help that all around me are friends and DH's friends popping out their sproglets. Been wallowing in self pity because we haven't even been able to get to the TTC stage, and who knows how many years it may THEN take? Have found out mother's menopausal age and that made me feel a bit better but due to various AF related historical reasons, SURE the universe will play a cosmic joke on me when the job markets stop their games.
Thanks for putting up with my rant!!

oh, and taking folic acid, got zinc supplements for DH, thermometer at the ready for BBT checking, done my research, but CAN we start BDing? no sirree!

Hello Seagreen, Yes it does seem like money is the biggest factor in all our dithering on this thread, and it is, unfortunately, the one that we cannot really do much about. I was bringing up the money issue with a friend of mine the other week and she seemed quite dismissive, saying that 'loads of people do it with far less money and they cope.' The thing is, I don't want to simply 'cope'. I want to enjoy having a new baby and not be worrying about being off work or how we can afford everything we'd need. That sounds bloody awful to me.
I take it there isn't really anything else you can do about your financial situation, otherwise you'd have already done it?

HP I think you might be worrying unduly about early menopause and the symptoms being masked by the pill but it sounds to me like a rather good reason to come off it In your other post you said you had six months worth, it's amazing how quickly six months pass, and you may be in your new house etc by then.

I am desperate for a BFP on this thread, but not entirely sure I want it to be mine

Bloody money. Many of my concerns (aside from the physical ones [don?t think about the trauma website]) do come from balancing the books. Working full time, childcare costs, buying a house?.eek. When you are used to handling your finances in a certain way, its so difficult to image every last penny disappearing on childcare costs. Someone said to me once that having a child in nursery is like having a second mortgage.

But yes, I am picking up my 6 month supply to see me through to next year. I know it?s a bit stupid worrying about things like the early menopause being masked by all the pill-poppin?, as the chances are very slim of that happening. I?m more worried that there maybe be something else that is hidden, as I haven t had a true period in?.erm?16 years.

I?m hoping that YTD gets her BFP while both of them are green!! Make hay while the sun shines, and all that. It?s been a while since we heard from SueRock. Are you actively TTC then, Confused?