Thread for those fed up of pregnant friends... actually pregnant women everywhere... while they themselves have been TTC for ages or keep having miscarriages.

[GordonTheGopher]

I know it's not very PC. But I can't help but be really jealous. Just this morning I got an email off another friend telling me she's pregnant - first month of trying.

That makes 6 friends who are pregnant. I have been TTC no 2 for two years. I had a MMC last May and an early MC last week.

I do try and be happy for them. But in reality I'm not.

Am I normal? Anyone care to join me?

Ok, im in.

I have to admit it-I have 2 gorgeous boys and feel very lucky, I also had pretty much straight forward labours with no ongoing complication so again feel blessed.
However my very dear friend has just given birth to her first born-a daughter and tho I'm saying all the right things and being all supportive etc I just cant put my sadness away that I should be just like her instead of having to bury my little girl 7 years ago. I wish for the day when I'm a normal woman, got pregnant had a baby alls right etc. but i'm not like that I have no innocence when it somes to being pregnant, birth is as much about grief as it is celebration.
I want my beautiful little girl here with me, I dont want to have had to have worried if she might be cold in her grave when dressing her for the first and last time. I dont want to hang a bauble on the xmas tree for dd, I want her smiles.

However, I have been shaped by what has been, and i think im a better mum for it, and a better person. It is impossible to bear that my child had to die for me to feel that way.

Grief, pain and personal struggle are very individual things, people feel them in different way but they are all relative to those experiencing them. I am very fortunate to be pregnant again and to have reached a stage where the baby is now viable. I hope with every fibre that this bean will be ok but do take some comfort in knowing that i can handle it should it all go wrong.

It never ceases to amaze me how ignorant people are when it comes to this topic. Babies die, people misscarry, ladies become infertile or fail ever to concieve. yet other people feel it their business to jump in and give their opinion on how these ladies should feel or cope with their pain. Nearly everyne you speak to knows someone who has had problems in this area, yet they still but in and ask "not had number 2 yet?" or "going for a girl/boy?" "youve been married a while know, no kiddies yet?" all with a bright smile so you feel bad if you tell them to piss off. But what can you do? you cant tell the whole world your woes can you? so you smile nod or whatever to get through it then come home and cry or maybe come on here for a vent and then what? some sod chips in about how you should count your lucky stars cos for one or another reason. This thread isnt about thinking we are having it hardest or someone telling us that some other group of hard dones bys are having it harder, its just about needing to get a few things off your chest in good company.

I feel better now-although am generally low as have just started my sub cut injections again, i hate them, I hate what they stand for.I want none of this to apply to me, I want my boys to have their sister, my dh to have his dd, I want my little girl.

oh imum, how unutterly sad x

Lissielou, its shit isnt it? I stopped looking at TTC threads as like you said - everyone leaves you behind. Its very very painful. I once saw a quote from Sir Robert Winston who said something like, its a crime that fertility treatment is not available to everyone as in his experience it causes as much pain and suffering to families as cancer. I dont know about that but I do know its taken over my existence and hurts me more than I realised was possible.

IMum, I am so so sorry, I cant even imagine the pain you must feel.

Imum, that was such a heart wrenching post.
I can't imagine how you feel, but I do hope that your current pregnancy is utterly uneventful and that it goes some way to making your family feel whole.

I know this is terrible but can I just confess this.

Every time I click onto the conception topic on here and get the list of threads I want to do serious harm to whoever keeps posting threads such as "I am thinking of a JUne baby _(or july etc etc etc)" AAARRRRRRRRRRgggggggHHHHHHHH I would like a baby in any fucking month thanks!

Sorry totally irrational, I am sure whoever it is doesn't mean any harm but it knots my stomach every time I read one of those.

OK have vented spleen now ....and relax

Morning pinkmook! Hope you feel better for that - nothing like a good vent on a Saturday morning!

HOOOOOOOOOORAY - Like minded people!!!!!

We have one gorgeous dd who is now nearly 4. We were trying for about 2 and a half years before I got pregnant. DH has astonishingly poor sperm count, morphology and motility. Dd was conceived the month before we were due to start IVF.

The trouble is that DH is convinced we can conceive again naturally, and so, won't consider IVF. I'm now 40, and know that time is running out for us, but i can't persuade him. The bit that makes me so cross is the way that other people just have sex and then get pregnant. For us, it would mean making a decision (which is impossible for him), and then going through all the awful medical stuff.

I'm slightly embarrased to admit that all my range and sorrow is currently aimed at one couple who are friends of my dh's. They come bottom of my list of criteria on who should be "allowed" to have children for so many reasons e.g. speed of conception, security of relationship, amount of time they spend with their children, the fact that I don't like her anyway!

Sorry - this is a bit of a rant. Thank you all for sharing your stories. It really makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one who feels like this.

Oh I agree Pinkmook - those threads drive me insane

rage not range

I hope I'm not hated here... I've very newly pregnant, only found out earlier this week. But I just wanted to say, I totally agree with a lot of what's been said on here. I also thought if I shared my story it might give some people hope.

I had a miscarriage last June (2007) and it's taken us until now to get pregnant again. I know that's not long compared to lots of people, but it has felt like sooo long. And in that time, one close friend has had her first baby (getting pregnant immediately) and another friend's about to give birth. I've also heard of other pregnancies and had to congratulate several other people when I just wanted to scream at them.

I tried to be supportive to my close friend and she said I was, but I knew there were times when I was avoiding talking to her because I couldn't bear it.

I too can't understand those people who try to plan when they'll get pregnant! Are they living on a different planet?

I am so pleased to be pregnant now but very nervous after having the miscarriage last year.

It's so hard to deal with the whole thing month after month. I've been told in the last 2 weeks of another 3 friends who have become pregnant.

It feels like all you see when you're not pregnant is pregnant women everywhere. I wouldn't with the suffering I've been through on anyone else, let alone the suffering many others have experienced, but sometimes you do just wish people would be a bit more sensitive.

I too had different levels of acceptance when it came to other pregnancies, to do with age, how long they'd been trying etc. I felt like I was becoming really bitter. I think you just have to protect yourself and do whatever you need to to stay sane. If that means avoiding friends for a while, then that might have to be done but hopefully not at the cost of friendships.

Sorry about this, didn't mean it to be so long. xx

HI GTG Yes I feel better now, I think I should begin every day with a small burst of rantyness

Littlefish - I love that Im not the only one who thinks people who just have sex then get pregnant are infuriating and should just SHUT UP!

MsG thanks for sharing that. I am sure you will not be an annoying pregnant person and be very helpful and supportive to your friends

Oh and by any of our complicated scoring systems I am sure you are "allowed" to be pregnant!

my friend has 5 children- yes 5 and it became impossible to be around her. We ttc for 2 years now, mc last year, clomid 4th month and AF does not visit me often due to PCOS. My boyfriend and I got so upset visiting her as she was always telling them off/shouting at them/ telling them to go away and i had to stop going to see her as she was making me sooooooooooo angry- some people just dont know how lucky they are...

Hey ladies,

I just want to add my moans too....

Managed to conceive first month (after spending most of my life trying NOT to get pregnant - similar story with most I'm sure)... but had a MC at 5 weeks. It's only 2 months on but I'm already starting to despair that it'll never happen again.

My (best?!) friend who has just had her second baby, rather tactlessly said "oh well, I suppose you did get pregnant rather quickly", when I had the MC, like that was Ok?!

I'm on some lovely threads and have made some great "virtual" friends through them and as much as I am genuinely pleased when the girls get their BFPs, every one makes me feel a little lower.

I'm 34 and so many times recently I've wished that I started trying earlier, even if it was with the wrong guy. DH and I only got married in April and before that I hadn't wanted to have a child with the wrong person, but maybe I shouldn't have waited...

I know lots of people are in the same situation or much worse, but I guess deepdown everyone has fears...

xxx

It is hard when you want a family so much and it seems further and further from reach. People who have had no difficulty conceiving dont understand that feeling of longing. I believe women who have no problems conceiving make comments like that, not to hurt, more because they dont understand and otherwise dont know what else to say. Only to have gone through it yourself gives you the understanding. It is very normal to have fears- we all do- fears of never having that family that seems to come so easily to others. It is ironice that people keep telling me to relax and that when I stop thinking about it is when it will happen but all I can do is think/ stress!

Hi Littlefish, Lorelei97 and DawnAS, I'm glad you've found this thread.

MrsG thanks for sharing your story, I really wish you all the best with your pregnancy, you certainly deserve it!

Has anyone with one child thought about resigning themselves to having just the one? I often think that actually it wouldn't be that bad, that I have ds and he'd probably be just fine on his own... then I have a heart-wrenching feeling of guilt that I've not been able to provide him with a brother or sister.

I felt exactly the same, we tried for 10 yrs, and now have dd, who is nearly 10 via surrogacy.
I did used to sort of "score" people too! If they had had problems or a miscarriage I could be happy, if it as an accident - bitter!
My best friend called me last night, she is nearly 40, just fell pregnat fairly easily, within 2 months of TTC for the first time ever - and she just had not just an ectopic rupture yesterday, but they took both tubes. I am so gutted for her, from 7 weeks pregnant, to seriously ill to IVF within 12 hours.
(they told her partner about ivf whilst she was in surgery [hmmm]

oh QOD, how terrifying! i hope your friend gets better soon (physically at least)

GtG, im starting to come to terms with it now. ds is fab and will probably be fine, but i genuinely feel that our family is not finshed yet. i always wanted 4 dc but i have given up on that dream now, yet cant bring myself to give up on dc2

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Thanks GTG for welcome, yes am still ttc for dc #1 !!!! Am hoping to start on new drug tx of progesterone, heparin, prednisolone, aspirin next, it has to work as we can not afford any more tx such as ivig or humira!

QOD, how very sad and devastating for your friend, just can't imagine how she is feeling, thinking of her and husband.

Dawn, i sure wish i had'nt waited now and had started ttc in my 20's but i guess i didn't ever expect anything to go wrong (how naieve i was), am now 34!

Is or has anyone else been or had success on the above tx programme?
Things will get better ladies (it has to)! Takecare.
XXX.

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I have a gorgeous DD by a previous partner, she's 5 but I am desperate for a baby with my DH- he has been a daddy to my DD since she was 1 and he is amazing with her, I just want him to have a child of his own I dont even want 3 or 4- just 1. surely thats not a lot to ask for is it?!

I had my copper coil out Dec 28th 2006 (thought I'd be pregnant by Jan- what a dumbass!) and have conceived once since- miscarried in May this year at 9 weeks. Bled very heavily for 8 weeks then after 3 painful cycles since MC, GP is thinking endometriosis and has put me on the pill to prevent any further damage. Am gutted- have got to stay on the pill til I know what is going on- see gynae on 16th oct.

In this time SIL has got pregnant very easily and had a son who DH dotes on, 2 ladies at work have had babies, another one has announced she is pregnant and my best friend has had a son. HOWEVER a lady i know has found out she is pregnant from a first cycle of ICSI. And the funny thing is, she was TTC when I had my DD and I remember her getting upset when I had my DD who I conceived very easily after 7 years on the pill with a git of a father. And i remember thinking 'what is her problem?!!'- perhaps I am getting my come uppance for that! I also remember wanting to take DD into work and a lady telling me that perhaps I had better wait a couple of weeks because another girl I worked with had just returned to work after a MC and was still quite tearful, I was only 21 at the time and felt very put out!! What an idiot- if only I knew (well, I do now.)

Thing is now, I cant conceive, I have to wait- see whats going on and be patient. I am only 27 and people tell me I'm lucky to have time on my side but with so many people getting pg around me I cant see that right now.

love to all, sorry to see some very sad and hard stories on here. xxx

It's a real relief to have a thread to vent all the bitterness on!
I was very, very, very lucky with my ds (3.1) but no such luck with providing him with a brother or sister- the story goes: one year of no sex AT ALL !! when he was 1.8-2.8 (which I still feel quite cross about, though thank heavens we have sorted out the issues now) and since then a mmc at 9 weeks in August.
During the endless year long sex drought I dreaded going to the park and seeing all the double buggies, and now since the mc in August a quick tot up reveals that every 'mummy' friend I have met since ds was born who is still with their partner is pregnant with no 2. Or even no 3!!!!
That does mask some immensely sad stories though, so I do know that probably only a minority of the bumps I seem to see perpetually are of the 'smug bump' variety(ie no problems ttc, never a miscarriage or anything even worse, two babies popped out in under three years etc.)
However, I still wish all the people with smug bumps would be put under some sort of curfew so I don't have to sink into my bitter and twisted pit every time they sashay past with their bumps/ double buggies/ two perfect children aged 1 and 3 etc ! If only there could be some way of keeping them all out of the park/ supermarket/street/doctor's surgery/ workplace for an hour or so a day so that those of us with raw emotions gnawing at us wouldn't have to see them and feel like crap!
And please someone ban them from moaning about pregnancy symptoms, particularly while the friend they are moaning to is still bleeding from their miscarriage!!! (Still annoyed about that one)
Plus, could there be a law banning anyone ever asking 'when are you thinking of no 2 then?' and the like.
Aaaaah, thanks GordonTheGopher for starting this much needed thread, I feel much, much better for having had that rant!