Thread for those fed up of pregnant friends... actually pregnant women everywhere... while they themselves have been TTC for ages or keep having miscarriages.

[GordonTheGopher]

I know it's not very PC. But I can't help but be really jealous. Just this morning I got an email off another friend telling me she's pregnant - first month of trying.

That makes 6 friends who are pregnant. I have been TTC no 2 for two years. I had a MMC last May and an early MC last week.

I do try and be happy for them. But in reality I'm not.

Am I normal? Anyone care to join me?

I have finally got an appouintment for a consultation for my 'infertililty' - only 4 months to wait. I will be 39 3 months later. I suppose I should have tried earlier or perhaps I have something very serious which has not been noticed in the other tests. Either way I'm fed up!

Thanks little fish - its hard for me to go at short notice so I have put off ringing up as I know it will put me in a dilemma - I will want to go on the date they offer me, desperately, but the clinic only runs on a tuesday (when I am at work) and my job involves visiting victims of serious crime who are often very vulnerable (we are talking rape victims, child abuse victims, people who have recently suffered children/relatives being murdered/killed, appointments booked in advance) so I dont feel able to let the people I have booked to see down

VKFAB - damage -are you worried about ep or methatrexate? Can't help re 1st, but can re 2nd - I had to have 36 doses in all - and conceived ds naturally about 15months later (not allowed to ttc for a year) - hope that helps. And, no, quite happy for you to be here - its just the 'well, I'm going to have a June baby as I always suceed as soon as I try...' type comments!

I would settle for a baby with a birthday any month - although I would prefer to avoid August really.

OtU - sorry for the news. Depressing isn't it. Hope Op Ok though

We've got the G&T out here - cheers

LobbeyLoo - do they know about the situation at all. If relationships are quite close I would have a word - ideally, actually, ask dh to have a word for you - explain why you will not be over the moon and hugely celebratory - it will mean that its all out in the open and there will be no misunderstandings...

Gosh, that puts you in a really difficult position doesn't it PinkMook. You have my sympathies. At the same time, your fertility is also extremely important to you. I don't know how old you are, but age was certainly a factor with us, and I didn't want to let time slip away from us.

What a difficult position you're in.

Thanks Mistlethrush, not actually sure what I'm worried about, I guess I'm worried about everything! But it is so reassuring to hear good stories - congratulations on your DS, and so sorry to hear that you had such a hard time.

Loobeyloo so sorry to hear your sad story, and completely understand why you feel that way. Sometimes writing things down can help - maybe write a letter to them putting down all your thoughts/feelings etc, but never send it? Or indeed give them a card & present before the date and explain why you felt you wanted to do it before? HTH x

PS - My DH is an August b'day and said no one was ever around to come to his party!! Completely agree tho that the word "planning" should never have been put near anything to do with conception!

Jess I'm wishing you an easy birth and a beautiful healthy baby.

Hi VKFAB you've posted on the ttc after ectopic thread. haven't you? I know it is worrying trying again after methotrexate, but just remember that when they say there is a 10-15% chance of an ectopic once you have had one, that means you have at least an 85% chance of getting pregnant and it being in the right place. The odds are overwhelmingly on your side. I know that after my first ectopic I was really worried about the state of my tubes, but it is really likely that your ectopic was just one of those things with no particular cause, so just keep that in the front of your mind.

Loobey I don't think I would say anything directly to your SIL either. She may well be aware of the anniversary but not know what to say, and I doubt that mentioning it to her will make either of you feel better. But asking someone else to maybe mention it if your SIL wants to know why you're subdued is a good idea. I really hope that the baby is born a couple of weeks early and then you can spend the anniversary the way you want.

This thread is moving so fast. I guess a lot of us need to vent.

I know its crap isnt it? I am 33 and at my first appointment the consultant said "so we've got 2 1\2years then" (I was 32 1/2 then) We seem to have issues on both my and Dh's side so time is really of the essence as the conusultant said its (possibly) a combined subfertility which will only get worse with time (way to make me feel better Mr Consultant )WE know for definite DH has very poor count, morphology and motility and even with just those issues it may mean IVF (whether there is anything wrong with me or not) But it looks like I have problems too (irregular cycles, bleeding from 10dpo) so feel any assisted conception really needs to be sooner rather than later to give it even half a chance of working

Am so pleased to have found this thread! I started TTC 6 years ago, and was gutted when nothing happened. Since then I've had tests, and more tests, a Hycosy, a laparoscopy and a hysteroscopy - all of which confirmed my tubes are buggered. Had IVF at the age of 36 and was delighted to have DD nine months later. We would love another child (any sex, any birth month, really not fussy at all) and have had two failed cycles of IVF this year so far.

The worst ever moment of rage and jealousy for me was the day I tested negative on an IVF cycle, only to be told my MIL two hours later that my SIL was pregnant accidentally for the second time, and would have a due date so close to the one I'd have had if the IVF had worked. How can someone in their mid 30s get pregnant for the second time accidentally? Don't they know how it works yet?

DD is now approaching two, and hence all my NCT and mummy friends are pregnant or have had their second child. I actively work on being positive and pleased for them, as really, being bitter will get me nowhere (other than having fewer friends, obviously) but this thread is so good to read, to know I am not alone!

OaP (did you work out that your name shortens to that?!) yes, I know exactly where you're coming from re NCT - mind you, I don't quite know why, but I appear to have 'fallen out of favour' with the group I was with - all started out well, but I haven't even been told about recent births - not that I really want to though. I believe that, out of the 5 of us that were in touch, 2 have definitely given birth, and one is pregnant, not sure about the other. But if they can't be bothered to reply to emails or send a general information email, I have better things to do....

PinkMook if it makes you feel any better, my dh also has crap morphology, motility and count and we were told that ICSI was the only way possible. We managed to conceive naturally. Also, when all my hormone levels were first tested, it showed that I wasn't ovulating. I had acupuncture for 3 months, and the new tests showed that everything was normal!

Given your situation, forgive me for saying so, but your fertility is more important than your job. I know it feels like you are letting people down, but you really can't put everyone before yourself. That's just a way of masking how you feel.

Sorry if that's really blunt, but I have been in a very similar situation to you and my first reactions were exactly the same. Taking early appointments meant facing the fact that we needed fertility treatment and that we might not succeed. Not chasing up appointments (at the beginning), meant that I could blame my work for my lack of baby. I kept justifying it by saying "if we don't manage to have a baby, at least I will have my job to fall back on and to distract me".

Good luck. Tell me to bugger off!

littlefish I sort of agree (wishy washy comment I know) but if you have that kind of vocational job I can imagine the conflicting emotions must be v difficult. I had a terrible time at work just after my mc and the Parkinsons diagnosis - I didn't tell anyone and tried to carry on (a bad habit of mine, telling everyone its ok when its not) then went into a stressful promotion assessment process and crumbled - messy. I have now told work I am never going for a promotion again and reconciled myself to this grade because I can't do it all. This has been (well, still is) one of the hardest things I have had to deal with but already I feel better. pinkmook sometimes you do have to let one of the balls drop hard as it seems. It feels unfair and if you're anything like me and feel almost defined by your work it is not easy but ultimately its worth it. Good luck.

Have just realised that sending this message while on my 3hr commute probably doesn't show a great work life balance but I am making progress!

A separate question - I hear lots on MN about acupuncture and homeopathy etc - any thoughts pro or con? I am trying to accept the PD and need to make more changes so wonder if alternative therapies are worth a go? I am by nature a cynic!

Ontheup - I absolutely agree with you. I'm in a vocational job myself, so I understand about not wanting to let people down (not as acute a job as PinkMook's however). I just know that initially, I wasted time by "not wanting to let anyone down". It's time which I just wish I had back now.

Making the decision not to go for promotion must have been very hard for you ontheup. I hope you can find a way to be at peace with your decision. I'm glad it's starting to feel better.

Also, we both had acupuncture, I had homeopathy and reflexology and my husband took Chinese herbs. Even if they did nothing medically for us, they helped us feel more in control of the situation. We were doing something for ourselves, rather than just waiting for things to be done to us, if you see what I mean. I also found the "talking" part of all the alternative therapies to be incredibly important. It was someone outside of our incredibly fraught and intense relationship with ttc that I could share with. However, it may also have been those alternative therapies and our diet and lifestyle changes which made enough difference to dh's sperm to enable us to conceive naturally. We'll just never know!

Hi guys. Had to do a lovely smiley face conversation with a heavily pregnant woman (will have ideal 2 year age gap ) at toddler group today, remarking how well she looked while she moaned and complained. I think I should become an actress!

GtG - yes, I've had that conversation fairly recently with a mother outside nursery - when's its expected - oh lovely... And then she started complaining about having 2 under two. I just left at that point. I realise that I should have said 'Oh lovely, that's when I would have had a baby if mc hadn't happened' - perhaps then she wouldn't have complained about 2 under 2. And, anyway, surely she knew what she was doing - she must have worked out what caused the first one and, if she didn't want 2 under 2 she could have done something different to ensure that this didn't happen...

Hi there everyone, I've just read this thread from start to finish and it's like listening to everything that's been going on in my head. I've been ttc since dec 07 following a mmc in nov 07 with no success.. i have changed as a person so much in those months just as you all have described, stomach lurching when a pregnant person comes into view, judging them, envying them and fighting the tears back because all that just isn't me.. or wasn't me.. it is now.. it's so exhausting trying to make sure other people feel 100% happy about their pregnancies while you have to swallow the bile and hurt and super-sadness.. there's just something so wrong about that.. especially when you have to do it for people who know your story .. how horribly cruel.. Gordonthegopher i couldn't help but yelp at you bottle of wine post..had GP visit recently as was on the verge of loosing my mind.. she told me to get over it, forget about ttc and eventually it'll just happen.. girl power eh? is that what you'd say to someone who'd lost a family member in a car accident or something? get on with it? get over it? i think people who have never been to this scary, sad and lonely place, (ttc and ttc post mc), never really understand how this feels so thank you for starting this thread and for being so honest..

on a more positive note i got this book - taking charge of your fertility by toni weschler. it's definitely worth a read even if you think "i've read all the books i can stomach/manage/that have ever been published re fertility!". it's given me hope and the encouragement to keep trying. a lot of detail on temp tracking.

fifi you're welcome. People can be very insensitive can't they? Especially doctors I find! I have to go for another blood test asap to make sure the mc was complete. Yippee.

Ladies thanks for your supportive comments

I KNOW deep down that babies are not very likely to come on their due dates, but I am totally obsessed with the anniversary of our loss (still born DD at 20 weeks)and it is a big enough milestone to get through each year without thoughts of SILs baby and everyone being 100% focussed on and excited about that.

Also I do not trust stats and figures these days since our DD had a condition which affects only "1 in 1.5 million" babies, and our chances of it recurring in another pg were estimated at 1 in 100. Having been totally traumatised by something with such miniscule odds, the odds of everything else seem pretty good, if that makes sense, even tho I know its only x% likely to be born on the date.

YES, they do know about our loss BIL came to DDs funeral, SIL was away nursing a sick relly at the time. I think parents in law, tho very supportive at the time and since, do not understand how we are not "over this" by now and we have said comments about hope it doesn't come on that date to them, so they may have had a word with BIL/SIL already. They most likely are aware and feelinh awkward about what to say, I know its hard for them too

thanks for leting me join in on here tho as i am sure having you guys to chat with will help

hugs to all X

LL - I know all about the stats stuff - Mp was apparently 1 in 20,000 chance (at least to stage I had it) - I was the '1' in the whole City Region that they 'expect' to have it in a year... However, after that, chances drop to 1 in 100 - and the figures get worse as you get older too...

Hi ladies

I haven't had a chance to read the whole thread, but can i join?

I have been ttc no2 for nearly 2 years now. My DS is 3 next month and is still breastfeeding. I am almost certain that this is why I am not conceiving. I had a really early mc in Jan and thought I was ok about it until we got to due date on 7th sept.

It took us over a year to ttc ds, and I think I found that time harder tbh, but I think it's because I know that things will probabaly be different when we stop feeding.

When I hear that people are pg, I just think "I'll be your wet nurse" because I just loved the snuggling and feeding a tiny baby. I have managed to restrain myself so far...........

Radical thought....maybe we SHOULDN'T always be so stiff upper lip - maybe we're perpetuating the cycle of pain, grief, silence, resentment?? If people really knew what it feels like, how much pain some of us are in, maybe they'd be more sensitive? if we don't show hwo sad we are aren't we encouraging people in thinking you CAN just 'get over it'? What do you think.....

Littlefish - you know what I have to admit there is a part of me that is putting off the process of tests because I dont want to admit there is a problem You are right, this is more important.

One of the things I find hard though is, I work in a very samll team of 3 the other two are best friends. One of the other two struggled to get pregnant with her DS but her attitude (as she is fond of expressing) is that she coped, her best friend fell pregnant during the time she was TTC and she was in her words "good as gold" about it and now (as there are 2 or 3 other women at various stages in subfertility treatment in our office 4 with me) she goes on a lot about how everyone should just suck it up basically, not make any feel uncomfortable who is pregnant by getting upset and basically not getting any special consideration. One woman who has had 7 miscarriages (that we know of - there may be more) is particularly the subject of her outrage because she gets very upset and emotinal when people bring their newborns in etc - she has never said anything directly to this woman but I hear her ranting about it all the time so I am frightened to discuss how I really feel/say I need to go to this app at short notice pathetic aren't I ?

Pinkmook - only you can make the appointments you need to get the ball rolling.

The hardest words I ever had to say was to my GP when I said that DH and I were having problems TTC - I'd never said those words out loud before, and nearly ended up crying. What I would say to you though is that if you do have fertility problems now, not knowing about them won't make them go away. I've wasted two years sticking my head in the sand going Lalalala it'll be alright, when it wasn't in fact alright at all, I had no chance of a natural conception. I really, really hope that all your tests are fine and you just need more time, but I would recommend finding out sooner rather than later.

Just read this back, and I sound dreadfully pessimistic, sorry. Don't mean to be, it is just that I am a fervent believer (now) in knowing the facts then making a decision based on those. I can't get those two wasted years back, and I'd love to think that I could save someone else this precious time.

Not pathetic at all - at the risk of being judgemental I ould suggest it is your 'good as gold' colleague who has the problem - it can't be healthy to bottle up these feelings. Its like when people ask if a baby is good for which read 'quiet' , drives me mad. In case you think I'm brave enough to be open about my mc and my feelings I have to confess that at the moment I too 'suck it up' mainly because I like my friends and want them to be happy. But by not telling them the whole story I am damaging the relationship anyway, or at least that's how it feels.

One more thought re your colleague - has anyone asked why she thinks she has the right to dictate others' behaviours? Grrrrrr (ontheup runs, teeth bared, back into the wilderness whence she came)