Thread for those fed up of pregnant friends... actually pregnant women everywhere... while they themselves have been TTC for ages or keep having miscarriages.

[GordonTheGopher]

I know it's not very PC. But I can't help but be really jealous. Just this morning I got an email off another friend telling me she's pregnant - first month of trying.

That makes 6 friends who are pregnant. I have been TTC no 2 for two years. I had a MMC last May and an early MC last week.

I do try and be happy for them. But in reality I'm not.

Am I normal? Anyone care to join me?

Wine is the only consolation. And putting on my pencil skirt and stilettos, knowing that I couldn't wear them if I were pregnant.

The consolation is fleeting, though......

ClairePO I think I hit a nerve

GtG - yes, but I do feel blessed to have ds. Had a hellish time before him - got to top of IVF list, conceived, mmc at 11wks, erpc (on holiday, bank holiday weekend, no accommodation anywhere for dh nearby...) - followed by 3 months of strange bleeding, visits to Drs 'Oh, its fine, its just taking a while for your body to get sorted out' before a locum saw me when I had a heavy bleed, actuall examined me, sent to scan following day, further erpc (lost 1.5l in op) - thinking all OK until bleed 2 wks later - go in for additional scan on a Friday lunchtime, get admitted immediately, large venflon in hand (OUCH, no anasthetic) just in case I had another big bleed, carted down to Sheffield by ambulance on a Saturday, not nice tests Monday, and chemo starting Mon pm.... then 4 months chemo, followed by year of not being allowed to ttc.... Sorry, needed to get that off my back.

So, after that, ds really quite a miracle - particularly as I got to the top of the IVF list again, and had my appointment to name the day that treatment would start 3 days after bfp...

MainiA - yes, got really sick of secretary here who was due 2w before my latest edd. I felt really sick - did anyone know (apart from dh) - no. Ds was huge - and I did get uncomfortable - but no gripes - I was pregnant ffs. And yes, going back to work when you're still woken at night on a regular basis is not great - but that's what having a child is all about isn't it.

Hi there,

I totally understand how you feel. I have been TTC for 6 years now, yes I am only young but I've been in a stable relationship for 9 years and all I have ever wanted to be is a mother! .

Was referred to hospital about 3 years ago and then after many tests etc was put on clomid, only on it for 2 months and developed a cyst! I then relocated from north to south london, so had to switch hospitals and be referred AGAIN. Now been through all tests again, been here for nearly a year and haven't even been given an appointment to go and see the Dr at the ACU. Totally at the end of my tether, can't get back on Clomid until I know the cyst has gone. If I had the money I'd go private for IVF. Anyway there's the background...sorry very long winded! But everywhere I go I see pregnant people or new babies...yesterday went shopping and commented to DH that I had seen 5 new born babies in the space of half an hour...can't help but feel someone's rubbing it in my face. All friends have children, my best friend has a 8 yr old son and has the cheek to moan to me how she wants another baby because she is so concerned about the age gap...!! I have to keep reminding her that at least she has a child. I am full of jealousy and envy and trying to keep my head up. It's been very theraputic typing this. Good luck everyone, lets hope we are expecting soon!! x

GTG - I made the mistake of telling him [stupid early days optimism emoticon] when it wass early days and I thought we would have another DC within weeks and he kept asking when we were going to have one and in the end I ended up saying we cant He always notices new borns and says "aw mummy look at the little tiny baby isnt it cute" which breaks my heart but at least now he has stopped saying "when can we have a brother or sister"

Treats - "I meant to add that, even though I'm currently child-free, I'm not one of those who thinks that those who already have children should consider themselves 'lucky'. I can totally understand that ftc is always painful - even if you've already had a baby." Its true I find FTC very hard despite having a DS but yet know I should just be grateful for what I have. Someone once likened secondary infertility and primary infertility to the difference between drowning in 2 feet of water and drowning in 20 feet of water! IYSWIM. I dont know - all I do know is, its bloody hard.

God mistlethrush that sounds terrible. I'm so glad it turned out ok - does it make you worried about becoming pregnant again?

pinkmook I'm sure your ds will get a brother or sister one day soon. He sounds very grown-up and seems to have accepted the current situation.

Ghetto I'm so sorry to hear your story - glad you are finding this thread helpful.

Anyone else care to join?

2nd mc I had 3 months of worry that mp coming back - and worry about how on earth I would cope with ds and chemo... Dh definitely put off. Dh I think is my main problem in fact - he is very good at the rhythm method (what is it about musicians) - although he doesn't make a 'big thing' about counting, I'm sure he does - which means that chances of bfp are very low at the best! I think finances also prey on dh's mind - it would definitely be tough - it desn't put me off as I would love anther and ds would be a fabulous big brother... However, chances are rather slim now. Age, problems in conceiving anyway, and dh!

I think what I find worst is people complaining about their 2nd, their 3rd, their pregnancy etc. I also find it really difficult when I see someone with a small child smoking a cigarette - I'm sorry if I annoy or insult people on this thread - not meant - but I consider smoking around young children an absolute outrage - they can't do anything about the harm that is being done to them.

I empathise with all of you that don't have any dc and still are trying - certainly, the mc that I had pre - ds was complete anguish. Mc after ds havn't been as raw - perhaps as I know how lucky I am to have ds - but there is still a dull ache there all the time that occasionally surfaces...

Hi pinkmook - I think one of the reasons that FTC is still difficult after having had a child is because you feel guilty for wanting to have another so badly. You feel like you SHOULD be content. And both you and mistlethrush have said just that in your posts.

And some people feel guilty for not being able to give their DC a brother or sister. At least as a ttc#1er, I don't have that!!

I'm not sure I agree with that person's drowning analogy - it implies that primary infertility feels ten times worse than secondary infertility. From the posts I read on here from all types of women at different stages in their lives, I'm sure that that's not true!!

I think the drowning thing is, whichever way you are still drowning. Just like not conceiving, whether it is primary or secondary, whichever way you are not conceiving.

Hi treats - didnt mean it to sound like one was worse than the other, more like what clairePO says - whichever way you drown its still drowning IYSWIM. And I thin thats what the person who said it meant as she was a person who had gone through primary fertility problems for many years then managed to concieve and then felt that her secondary infertility was as bad as the primary...euurrrghh I am confusing myself now! But I guess everyone is different, a colleague at work struggled to get PG then concieved and now has a 2 year old and she is the WORST person for always telling me I should be grateful for having DS (I KNOW! I am grateful but I still fugging well want another!!)

I think that the difference is that, once you have once dc, you have less time (and energy) to get frustrated at not getting bfp - and more easily distracted when you are frustrated anyway - but also when you're looking at your dc and wondering how it would change their life - for better or worse, if you did have another...

OK - I think I get the drowning thing now. I guess that must be true.

Hi guys - I definitely feel a lot of guilt that so far I haven't been able to produce a brother or sister for ds. I think it's probably my main issue.

I'm not horrendously broody, and didn't really enjoy ds that much when he was a tiny baby, but I look ahead and I see ds surrounded by lots of brothers and sisters... looks like he'll be lucky if he gets one.

What's FTC btw?

FTC failure to conceive

Have been reading this thread and I feel for all of you, I really do. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to want a baby desperately while all around you others are pregnant. What I'm going to say now is controversial and I dont expect everyone to like it but I feel it needs saying. I got pregnant very easily, so am one of the lucky ones. However my luck ran out when I ended up tearing from front to bottom and ended up in an operating theatre for 4 hours while they stitched me up. I have had problems ever since. I know women who've had less severe tearing who are now incontinent, some of them are doubly incontinent and cannot leave the house because they need to be near a toilet ALL the time. There are women on mumsnet who have had to have a colostomy bag fitted because of damage from giving birth. You can imagine how awful this is,trying to deal with horrendous health issues at the same time as trying to bring up a baby. I have friends who cannot have sex anymore because of the damage from childbirth. Then of course there is postnatal depression and for others, the stress of combiniing motherhood with work.

I am NOT in anyway saying these problems are reasons to not get pregnant/not have a baby but sometimes feel women who have never had a baby or given birth have rose tinted glasses (I know I did). What I'm trying to say is that while its natural you feel envious of women who have given birth or are pregnant for all you know they may be suffering or about to suffer from the results of childbirth. If you look at the childbirth and health boards on here you'll find hundreds of messages from desperate women who are still in pain months if not years after giving birth, and this includes women who've had c-sections. Just wanted to put things in perspective.

But daisy, would they go back and not have those children?

DaisyM I'm not really sure what your point is, or purpose for posting on this thread - is it supposed to be supportive? I'm sure a childless woman wouldn't post on a thread supporting women with birth trauma/injury saying 'well you decided to have a baby it's you own fault'.

Many women on this thread haven't had the chance be to traumatised or injured since they haven't been able to conceive a baby at all or their babies die before birth. It is incredibly insulting to suggest that someone who is childless most definitely not by choice looks at parenthood through 'rose tinted glasses'. We want to build our families the same way everyone else does out of choice & love, we don't expect transcendental births & babies whose shit smells of flowers.

What about those of us ttc with secondary infertility are we clueless too?

Loads of people have bad things happen to them (whether pregnancy related or otherwise), frankly that isn't much comfort when you've just had your third, forth, fifth, sixth miscarriage or stillbirth, you've been ttc without success for YEARS or you've run out of money to pursue fertility treatment.

imum, lots of them wouldnt go back and have those children, no. You cant imagine what its like to be a healthy young woman who does what millions of women do each day- give birth, only to have your arse ripped open and live with ongoing pain. At my 6 week check up I was told my body would never be the same because of the damage. Not only is it not much fun looking after a baby when you can barely walk, and sitting down is even painful but its hard not to miss your old life when you were healthy. I love my baby but if I had a choice I'd choose a healthy normal lifestyle where I can still enjoy sex with my husband and go to work rather than living in pain. The problem is I am not alone there are thousands of women suffering although not everyone is open about it, they just get on with it. Of course, lots of women have reconstructive surgery which can help, but theres not much you can do when you're left incontinent,

DaisyM. You're saying because YOU had a bad time WE shouldn't want children and should be grateful that we haven't conceived. I'm sorry you have gone through a terrible time, but you're not being at all supportive or helpful.

Yes er.. daisy please don't post again. We've found a little sanctuary here and I'm not sure what your point is at all.

And welcome londonlottie - sorry to hear you've been trying for a year. What's AC? Sorry I don't know all the terminology!

You're been reading my mind! Found out today that a 4th friend is expecting. Actually, I'm really pleased for her, as she's had her share of troubles when TTC.

However, after a catalogue of lost pregnancies (and one gorgeous ds) I want to stamp my feet and wail at my situation.

Sorry to hear what a rough time you've all been having .

hello, i see a few familliar faces here.

we were ttc ds for approx 6y and when we got our bfp were totally thrilled. i had a terrible pg and was in and out of hospital with bleeding and pains, eventually ds was born in a crash cs. i had an infection due to uterine gBs and fell pg again 6m later. mc at 6w. next mc was at 8w and 3rd was at 5w. then an ep during wich i lost my tube and needed another op the next day because during my cs they misplaced my bladder, this was found because they nicked it during the laproscopy. we have since lost 4 more beans, the last was nearly 12m ago. ds asks me when we can have a baby and on occasion even offers to have one for me. i alternate between grief and rage most days, i too have a complex scoring system wherebyi allocate points to friends and aquaintances when i have to endure their "announcements"

We have just bought a 2nd hand citroen people carrier thing. A girl at work said "why have you bought that? Theres only the 3 of you!" I know i shouldnt have cried at that but i did. Im sorry to be bitter when some of you have had such awful experiences, i know im lucky really.
Ive been ttc since March this year - i know thats not that long. I had a mc in Jan and prior to that had ttc for about 2y. Im 40 now so feel that time is running out. My dd is 4y and like Gordon says the gap is getting bigger! I had no probs the first time.

Heart goes out to the many of you who have had so many mc.