Thread for those fed up of pregnant friends... actually pregnant women everywhere... while they themselves have been TTC for ages or keep having miscarriages.

[GordonTheGopher]

I know it's not very PC. But I can't help but be really jealous. Just this morning I got an email off another friend telling me she's pregnant - first month of trying.

That makes 6 friends who are pregnant. I have been TTC no 2 for two years. I had a MMC last May and an early MC last week.

I do try and be happy for them. But in reality I'm not.

Am I normal? Anyone care to join me?

This thread is utter relief..............I wasn't evil, mad or a complete loony b*tch when I was (and I am going to be totally honest here so please, please forgive me ) filled with jealousy, rage, jealousy, anger, jealousy, fury, envy, desperation, emptyness, loss, aching, insanity, jealousy, Jealousy, JEALOUSY each and every (very frequent) time yet another friend told me the 'Good News' I would smile politely and say "Oh how wonderful, Congratulations" whilst the void inside me froze.

Thank you for starting this thread - these are things that you cannot say to people in RL but if someone were to say it to me (even in RL) then I would completely, totally understand.

(Good luck, best wishes and I truely, truely hope that you get your dream because I also (perhaps wrongly) use the 'judging system' and if you have posted on this thread then you really have been through utter hell and you completely deserve a lucky break and a bit of good news (and of course your very own baby who made all the pain worthwhile).

x

Daisy you're right that there are hundreds of posts on MN from women who have suffered birth trauma (and at least two women who have suffered traumatic births are on this thread). What you don't see is women who can't conceive going on those threads and telling those women to get a grip because at least they have a child. That would be rather inappropriate, wouldn't it?

I know what some of you mean about the guilt for not providing your existing child with a sibling. My daughter is only 2, but keeps asking me if there is a baby in my tummy. Well there was, only 2 weeks ago. Apart from the miserable biological urge, I don't really feel that sorry for myself, but I sort of feel bad for my family unit, because it is not finished and is not going to be the way me and my DH pictured it. I guess it's a disappointment really...

It's really cathartic writing all of this down!

God lissielou that sounds horrendous. Had a sneaky peak at your photos and your ds is gorgeous - how old is he now? And is your hair naturally that coulour?! I'm a ginger and dye it that colour red!

Pinnygig I'm starting to come round to the idea that a big age gap is a good thing - there's a mother at the Primary School where I pick up (I'm a cm) and her son's in yr1 - she's just had a baby and she arrives looking super cool with the baby in its sling - must be easier when the first child is at school all day! That's what I'm telling myself anyway!

Pootie welcome - how long have you been ttc?

I'm thinking of starting the thread again with a new thread title - what do you think?

TheUnituber - re baby in your tummy - its really interesting - ds has quite a vivid imagination. 'Baby Jack' appeared just when he/she should have if 2nd mc hadn't happened - Baby Jack is still around - apparently still at nursery (we 'throw him out' on the way past ). Last year, ds announced to me, no hint of question, 'there's a baby in your tummy' - I had been wondering about dates, checked up, tested - bfp. Unfortunately only lasted a week - and ds has not said anything similar since.

Gordon I'm not sure that there is anything wrong with the title - unless you think that that is what caused the earlier inappropriate (for this thread) outburst.

Add me to the list of angry, jealous, un-PC ladies. I've left a big rant on the MC Avengers thread about nearly getting in a fight in a Weight Watchers meeting, mainly because I was soooooo upset by the number of fecking babies there. And there was a pregnant lady! I suppose she was there to support her friend (and hold her friend's stupid baby--who was cute beyond belief).

My future SIL is 7-8 months and I'm sick of her crowing on Facebook--really wish I could block her.

I think everyone who has been TTC a while or has had a miscarriage should be able to carry some kind of electronic device that repels pregnant women/women with babies. Not to harm them, I'm not that irrational, but just something that would cause these women to think 'ah, I feel like moving along now'-keeping a pregnancy/baby-free 300 metre bubble around those of us that are just sick of seeing them. This sounds like the premise of a sci-fi storyperhaps I should write it up. . .

My god I'm really losing it. . . .

Sarah sounds a great idea - I've replied on other thread!

I have no issue with people who are pregnant really, except for when I hear that it happened just like that without really trying. An aquaintence recently decided to try for a second child and got pregnant within weeks. I find that mildly irritating when I've been trying a year with no success. Am close to starting to believe my age will prevent me from having kids.

Daisy I think you're making the same point with your post as we are with this thread - basically women have to endure horrible things to have children and you can't possibly know someone else's situation, whether it's devastating or wonderful.

Look at mistlethrush multiple miscarriages plust an MP - that's molar pregnancy, potential cancer!

Look at lissielou infection, 7 miscarriages, displaced/nicked bladder and an ectopic where she's lost a tube

Very sorry to make examples of you both, MT and LL, but I think the point is yes we all know that there are dangers involved in having children. It's a physical as well as a mental risk, but it's one we want to take, as you did when you got pregnant with your child. We've all been TTC for a long time and we're well aware of the risks. I hope that if you take one thing away from our responses on this thread it's that our emotional pain is just as real as your physical pain.

Mistlethrush - that is really interesting about what your DS said. The day after I conceived my last ectopic, my DD and I were in a supermarket. I was carrying her but because I was having ovulation pains I asked my DH to take her and told her it was because I had a tummy ache. She told me "you have an owy tummy because there is a baby in it Mummy". She had never said anything like that before. These days she is a bit obsessed with babies because her friends' mothers are giving birth all over the place when she said that it really came out of the blue. I couldn't believe it when it turned out she was right!

Unituber and MT, that is amazing about your little ones! They must be pyschic

Here's another confession - we didn't want to tell anyone we were expecting until after 12 weeks in case something went wrong. But then after the mc, I almost felt like shouting it from the hilltops...just because I wanted people to know we WERE pregnant and we were really either ahead of them or on the same track Or course we didn't, but there was something almost competitive in me that wanted people to know that. The aforementioned friend who is less than thrilled about #2's arrival keeps telling us that we should start trying because you never know how long it will take! I think she, of all people should know better! I want to yell it out to her, but I just keep my mouth shut and smile. Even worse, she entirely blames poor DH, wrongly thinking that he's not interested in having children and is the one who's delaying things!

Gosh - there are some guts being spilled on this thread...... Totally understandably, and thank goodness we have somewhere where we can vent.

Felt a bit teary after finally going to the drs this morning to seek help with conceiving. Felt like I was tripping over buggies and prams everyhwere on my way to work. And there was the ceeyootest baby at the tube station........ .

I can't actually bring myself to think that it will never happen for me, as it seems such a huge mental hurdle. After each MC, my consolation was 'oh well, at least you conceive easily. It will go right the next time'. Apart from it didn't, and now there may not be a next time.

I too have the sliding scale of acceptability of pregnancies. If, for example, my friend who's had three lots of IVF, one of which ended in a MC, conceived, I would be over the moon. However, other friend, who had never even tried before, got up duff first time trying (the one who's had on IVF with donor sperm) hadn't been through enough anguish, and thus I can't be happy for her. I'll be fine once they're born. But I want to be pregnant. It's MY TURN.

Hi ladies, just wanted to say i too feel like some of you. I am happy for friends/family when they say im pregnant but deep down im so sad and jealous that it's not me, after 9mc's and 1 mmc it's getting to the point where i dont know how many more times i can cope with the sadness and desperation ttc and mc's bring.

Daism, i read your post and think you must have got confused or mixed up as to where to put it as this is definately the WRONG thread to put it on! I feel very sadned by your post.

Hopeing that all our dreams do come true one day.
sueXXX.

I feel for you all - I really do, having had a huge battle to conceive myself, and I don't think I will ever forget the pain of having to force myself to be generous when friends fell pregnant the first month of trying, and sending out constant congratulations cards whilst crying while writing them, and going through the torture of buying baby gifts for them. I never want to forget that, as I hope it makes me more sensitive to my TTC friends, but I had some difficult emotions to deal with when I did have children - it was like being let out of prison, but seeing some dear friends still trapped there. All I will say is you never know how quickly life can change- please don't give up hope, and there are mothers like me out here who still want to get along side you.

Do you know what im so cross by Daisym post i feel i really must say something so if you do bother to return to this thread DaisyM please reply!

How dare you even compare the issues surrounding childbirth and ttc and mc's and feelings about those who are pregnant. Putting things in to perspective you say, bloodyhell you think the sadness of your friends not being able to have sex or struggling with work and motherhood are in the same category as not being able to have a baby or having mc's. Are you telling me that not being able to have sex causes the same sadness as being told your baby's heart has stopped!Get a grip and re-read what you have posted! Im beginning to think that perhaps it's just someone having a joke with us to see how we respond, if so i can assure you that no-one is laughing! How insensitive!

DaisyM - I am guessing your DC is not that old from your post as the pain and trauma is still quite raw. I could have written that 7 years ago (or even 6, or 5 years ago)when my DS was a baby (dont think I would have put on a thread such as this though!!) but look at me, birth trauma and all, posting on a thread, miserable with longing and grief, wanting to go through it all again. As someone else on this thread has said, I think maybe you still need to work through your issues but here is not the place to do it.

Hi wtfhashappened (like the user name), sums up how i feel very much at the moment.
how sweet of you, am so pleased things worked out for you, bet your really caring to your friends, bless you. Im not usually so out spoken but just felt so sad at what the other lady had written i just felt the need to reply. I wont give up hope, thanks for knd message.
XXX.

you know, pinkmook, im the same. while i was traumatised by ds's birth for a long, long time i would still give everything i have to be able to do it again.

Lissielou - me too. one of (many!)things that gets to me is that my only experience of childbirth and babyhood should be such a horrific and pain filled memory.

thats it. i know how unbelievably lucky i am to have ds, but i also know how unlucky i am to have to explain to him that we wont be getting him a baby brother or sister.

im sick of people telling me to relax, take a holiday, have more sex etc. and im sick of people saying "at least you wont have to go through that again" or that its in my head or that ds must be so lonely. i ache whenever i see a newborn or a pg woman and nothing has ever compared to the pain i feel each time something goes wrong and i have to go through it all over again. i hate the fact that i feel like such a failure and i cant complete our family and i hate the ugly emotions that resurface each time someone announces a birth or pg. i am from a large family (eldest of 8) and i so badly wanted to give ds a sibling. i dont want him to be alone.

Oh lissielou, i really feel your pain, why are people so thoughtless when they say these things, does relaxing or going on holiday make immune issues go away, i dont think so!!!! I really hope things do work out for you, you are not a failure, it's not your fault as it is out of our control.
Im meeting up with two old friends in November, we all started ttc at the same time, they each have a child and i know they are going to qestion me about whether we are still ttc and am just dreading the question, to be honest i cant wait for the whole day to be over and they go again!
Takecare.
XXX.

Lissie I'm so sorry...

And {{hugs}} to everyone else. I'm glad there's a place where we can all vent and be understood. And since it's Friday and we're not pregnant - would anyone like any of this lovely pinot noir I've got over here!?!?! Quick, before I drink the whole bottle!

thank you both. i no longer use the ttc threads, because everyone has left me behind.

pass that wine!

thank you sue

Oh I'm already on the wine. One of the benefits of not be pregnant, and hey, you have to look on the bright side right?

Lissielou wish I could make it all better, but all I can do is a measly netmums stylee ((((hug)))). Please use this thread as much as you want as therapy.

Sue10 welcome - are you ttc your first? I'm really sorry you've had to go through so many mcs - if you want to tell us about every single one feel free - each one must be important to you.

I'm seriously thinking of distancing myself from my best friend who's pg. I just can't take it any more, obviously she wants to talk to me about it but she can't help but put her foot in it.

wft thanks for your support for this thread.