TTC after loss part 5

[Ella31]

Just continuing our old thread. I've added anyone who has asked to stay on here. As always, anyone who is trying after a loss is welcome to join and those who have been lucky since are welcome to encourage those who are still waiting for their rainbow (if you want to stay of course )

Also for the next thread, I'm going to let someone else take over creating the new one if people don't mind. I've a lot on at the moment with tests and I'm back to work in the next few weeks after my bereavement leave with my boys. So if anyone would like to take the mantle, feel free.

Im 2dpo today and have another ultrasound on Wednesday to see if follicle has burst followed by pdg blood test.

@Onthedouble123
@DonnaWhat
@moosey89
@Bellebg
@Lovedatforme
@Ncl31
@PearlCat
@LucyCL
@CadoAvo
@ThelastRolo20
@Figtree11

@Ella31 how are you doing?
I’m alright, feeling pretty fed up & utterly consumed most minutes of the day about loss & ttc

@Joleyjojo i’m sorry you have had a low day. I have also had moments of feeling judgey about people, as it really isn’t fair that it doesn’t work out for some of us

I’m also on the self pitty and self loathing part of the month. 11dpo and negative. I feel so completely lost that I don’t really know who I have become anymore. Why is tTC so cruel

@Nic2908 I’m sorry you’re feeling the same too 😔 negative test for me too when I did one yesterday. It feels like we’re just going through life without really living it properly

Aw Moosey, you will pet, I know the heartache trust me and I won't sit here and give you condescending advice because I know it's meaningless with all this going on. But your time will come.

I've lost 4 babies in 3 pregnancies my last one obviously very serious and it knocks you for 7. I stood where you barely two months ago having all but given up. I actually told dh I was done and I had decided ivf in January because tbh I was sick of the pain, sick of hoping and still grieving my boys. Still am.

I will say though that maybe even taking a break might give you some clarity. You've had three horrible losses and that's traumatising. You must be exhausted. My heart is breaking for you because I understand but I just want to know, it's not hopeless. 🥰🥰

It changes you for sure. I'm sorry you are having a tough time xx

I'm fine @Figtree11 I'm just sorry you are having a tough time. Is there anyone you can talk to. I actually went to my gp after my boys as my anxiety was taking over and I was struggling.

I’m glad you are ok - is it this week you have your scan?
I tried a session with a counsellor before when I was feeling very low but I didn’t like the woman very much. At the moment I feel like I can handle it (for now!) - it’s always there in my mind at all times, but I’m not sat on the sofa all the time not wanting to get up like I was before

Struggling with life at the moment, just going through the motions of everything and think AF is going to land at any moment which probably explains why I feel so sad and low.

One app tells me I'm 2 days late and the other says I'm 3 days late. I used my last cheap test on Sunday and it was bfn. I have some frer/cb in the cupboard but don't want to waste them but wondering when my period is going to arrive 🙄

It's so hard waiting for our bodies to go back to "normal" after a miscarriage. Really hope it turns out positive for you this month ❤️

I'm feeling shit today. I don't know if I'm due my period or just run down with life.
I've had a pastry, 3 crunches and countless cups of coffee and I could easily crawl under my desk and cry myself to sleep which would be a bit awkward as I'm in the office today!

I met up with some friends from my antenatal group yesterday they all had their number 2s with them, one has a third too but they left them with grandparents. I'm glad as seeing the toddlers was hard enough. Two of them know about my issues in sorting meds prior to ttc and know that we were hoping to start trying. I went in feeling prepared to talk about it but how do you start the conversation? They were talking about how they had spent their summer. I couldn't exactly say oh yeh I spent July on my bathroom floor hurling up my guts but that ended with the pregnancy. Glass half full I lost that half a stone I'd been struggling to lose. It doesn't really fit after their stories of time in the sun does it!

@CadoAvo I have everything crossed for you. I'd be getting a test. I couldn't hold out. Good luck.

@Superscientist miscarriage is I feel treated very taboo. I've been very thankful and grateful for this thread and the ladies that have come and gone on this thread because without them, I'd have had no one to talk to who understands what I've been through. I wouldn't even know how to approach the subject with my friends. They known if they have any questions I'd always answer them but it's one of those, friends don't want to ask incase it upsets us and I wouldn't want to approach my friends incase I made them feel uncomfortable. Nothing wrong with having a junk day! I'd love to curl up under my desk about now 😆

Thanks @DonnaWhat I would have felt ok talking it about it but just couldn't find the right time or way to bring it up. It's a bit out of the blue as they didn't know I was pregnant. The friend at work I have been speaking to knew I was pregnant having heard me throwing up at work so at least half the conversation is known.
I'm seeing one of them again tomorrow, it might be easier not in a group and it's a bit more low key in a toddler group rather than a day out.

I'm on the train home now, just need to not fall asleep! It's a local train so the furthest I can go is the next train over so it's not like I'll end up in the other side of the country if I do. Been reliant on sugar and caffeine to get through the day. It's not so much that I care too much about that. It's more what it says about my mood. I have tomorrow off work so hopefully can get a bit of rest. Just feel utterly out of energy today. I have been struggling to get to sleep for the last few weeks and my daughter's not been sleeping that well. I think it is all just catching up with me.

I'm glad I have this group too, I have been speaking to a colleague but it's easier to be pessimistic and voice inner fears when it's not with real-life people.

How are you doing this afternoon/evening @DonnaWhat ?

@Superscientist I'm doing good, tired and nauseous but keeping busy with work. Tomorrow's a new day! My girls are back to school tomorrow so will be nice to get some normality back to our routines. You might find it easier to open up to your friend one on one rather than a group setting. Maybe just explain to the friend that you didn't want to announce in a group setting but you had a miscarriage not so long ago and you could do with a friend hug. That might open up the conversation a bit x

I find work is good for keeping me busy too. I hope getting back into a routine helps too x

She's probably the best of the 3 to speak to. The other two are a bit too chirpy and upbeat. I expressed my concerns about having a 50% chance of getting post partum psychosis or severe depression again to one of them once and her reply was "well it's a 50% chance you won't". Yes true but when it's a repeat of something that could have cost me my life or my livelihood I didn't want optimism just an appreciation that it comes with risks and consequences and just generally rubbish. My risk for pnd in general is higher than 50%.

It is, Thursday morning.

I understand. I wish there was something I could say or do, but you remember how lost I was before this pregnancy, I was on my knees. It took 8 months to happen. So you are barely out of your recent loss, so you are very much in the early days of trying again since that so i know that beautiful little bean is just waiting for you. I really do xxx🥰🥰🤞

This group gets how you are feeling because they know loss, it's hard when your are in real life and others move on when you are stuck in grief. You are doing amazing to be getting out there though. So well done.

There's a woman at work who has three boys all under 6 and literally spends her time giving out how hard it is to have 3 toddlers under 6. She derails the conversation every time to talk about that. No word of a lie.

Last November she messaged me two weeks after my twins passed in the nicu for coffee. She burst into tears about how she didn't cope with her 3rd baby during covid. I drove home in tears after wards because although I emphatise, she wasn't being sensitive. I had just burried my two baby sons.

My point is i hope you are protecting yourself. You sound really considerate of others and I get how you didn't bring your loss up but please take care of yourself and as always reach out here if you need anything to talk about. Like others I've been around the block with loss, so im happy to chat xxx

Cycle day 19 and had a lot of ewcm today but still low LH. Hoping the leak is on its way. Even had some cramping.
How many months post loss is everyone? I am 3 months post loss and I am not entirely sure where that time has gone

@Ella31 i will be thinking of you on Thursday & hoping you get some reassurance. Please let us know how you get on.
Thank you, I’m over a year into my TTC journey now & just tired of it all. Trying to hang onto hope. Thanks for the little pep talk ☺️

@Mummysparrow im 4 months post my most recent loss now. About 9 months post my first loss. I hope ovulation is just around the corner for you.

@Superscientist i’m sorry you’re having a bad day. I find it comes in waves. Can have a good day, then feel like I’ve been hit by a train with it

@Figtree11 I remember us speaking earlier this year. What a year it has been for us. Have you had any investigations as of yet?

@Mummysparrow it’s been absolutely rubbish hasn’t it. Not yet, my recurrent miscarriage appointment is in November

Please do hold on @Figtree11 August marked two years into my journey into mine with hope at the end of it. Always here for a chat xxx

Thank you. I appreciate you a lot xx

Same @Figtree11 you were so supportive during my dark days.

❤️ xx

@Mummysparrow I'm on cycle 4 since my most recent loss. Nearly 5 years since my first loss, 7.5 years since I first started trying for a baby (there was a 2.5 year gap in the middle as I got divorced).