TTC after loss part 5

[Ella31]

Just continuing our old thread. I've added anyone who has asked to stay on here. As always, anyone who is trying after a loss is welcome to join and those who have been lucky since are welcome to encourage those who are still waiting for their rainbow (if you want to stay of course )

Also for the next thread, I'm going to let someone else take over creating the new one if people don't mind. I've a lot on at the moment with tests and I'm back to work in the next few weeks after my bereavement leave with my boys. So if anyone would like to take the mantle, feel free.

Im 2dpo today and have another ultrasound on Wednesday to see if follicle has burst followed by pdg blood test.

@Onthedouble123
@DonnaWhat
@moosey89
@Bellebg
@Lovedatforme
@Ncl31
@PearlCat
@LucyCL
@CadoAvo
@ThelastRolo20
@Figtree11

I have everything crossed for you tomorrow lovely. You so deserve your happy ending ❤️

@Ella31 please keep us updated with the scan, sending you lots of good luck 😀

Well my period did arrive yesterday so glad I didn't waste another test and counting down the days until we try again. I've been thinking a lot about the girl I met last week who is due 5 days after my would be due date and think its really hitting home. I've been good at putting my big girl pants on (or rather, burying my head in the sand) but now I just keep thinking about the bump I should have had and everything else it comes with. Work is a struggle, I just want to lie in bed all day at the moment. Hopefully I'm just feeling shit due to my period and will perk up in a few days 🙃

Solidarity @CadoAvo AF is just starting here too. If my first MMC had resulted in a successful pregnancy I would have a 4ish week old now. Old school friend sent me lots of pics of his new (first) baby yesterday, born when mine would have been. I asked DH how he’s feeling and he says he didn’t give it a thought 🤷
take good care of yourself xx

It’s just that sense of a loss and a gap in what could have been your story. I find it really hard to visualise an alternative for us right now as I was expecting to have a small baby or be heavily pregnant by now. It’s like my life is in pieces and I need to work out how to put them back together again. Like other bereavements I have had. I don’t think DH feels it in the same way and I guess it’s because it wasn’t his body going through it so it was never very tangible.

Thanks @Ella31 i was brought up by my grandparents who lost a child in infancy after he was born with a heart problem. They looked for the joy and love in everything. It has always stuck with me. I have a pretty good memory and have friends, family and acquaintances who have all experienced pregnancy losses, still births, neonatal losses, prem births, losses in childhood and in fertility. I do try to be mindful that you don't know what a person is going through behind closed doors. I had a brief chat with my friend at lunch. She was lovely x

My sugar binge yesterday has turned out to be hormonal and my period started last night. It's my first since the miscarriage so it feels a bit like a clean slate. Sorry others are on their periods today too. Fingers crossed for our next cycles x

Thanks so much @ThelastRolo20 I'm so scared, the last pregnancy ultrasound I had - was them telling me my beautiful boy was dead and 4 days later i had to turn off life support on his brother. I just can't bring myself to invest right now. I feel like a horrible person to feel this way.

How you're feeling is completely understandable. Wishing you lots of luck for your scan ❤️

It took me 8 months post neonatal loss to conceive again. After my early losses, it took 3 the first time, 1 the other. It can vary so much

@CurlyWurly1991 my dh was really similar after my first loss at 8 weeks and i was so angry. He told me a year later that it was easier to put it to one side, I think that's how they deal with it sometimes. He also said it was when he saw our late twins at the 12 week scan that he fully realised he was going to be a father. They think very differently to us sometimes.

I hope you are ok after your friend sending you pics? That's really insensitive and unfair. Did they know you had a loss? I'm so sorry. I hope you are doing a bit better today

Thanks @jellyfish2 I try not to comment to much here about it as I get it, that it might annoy other posters here who are trying, but yeah it's definitely not easy. I've accepted life won't be the same after my sons but this anxiety around this pregnancy has floored me. Anyway, it'll be fine. Each day as it comes, how are you doing? Xxx

Everyone here will understand the anxiety to some extent, I know your situation is completely different and it is hard after a loss but try to take everyday as it comes. It's not easy but it's all we can do as we can't change anything. I'm good thank you, had my 12 week scan today so now 12+6 and everything is looking ok 🤞. After loss I think its hard to imagine having a healthy baby at the end but we need to have faith that it'll all work out. 🤍

You're not horrible at all lovely. I was the same and my trauma was no where near your level ❤️ it's self preservation and completely understandable xx

Thinking of you for tomorrow @EElla31 scans just don't mean the same thing any more do they?

Definitely not. How are you doing? Lovely to see you

Thanks @ThelastRolo20 it's great to hear your reassuring words. I hope you are doing well yourself xxx

I hope everyone is doing well and I still come back to check the thread. Although I have not been here long, it still gives me courage to look forward.

Thank you @Ella31 I will be thinking of you tomorrow xx

@Ella31 ill be thinking of you tomorrow.
I think all of us who have suffered a loss will sympathise with your anxiety around it. I actually have no idea how I’ll cope with it if I finally get my BFP.

currently 6dpo, got some pretty intense backache this afternoon and evening but if I remember rightly
i had that last cycle too.

trying not to symptom spot too much, but had a decent amount of “wet” cm today too.

Good luck tomorrow @Ella31 Will be thinking of you xx

@Ella31 the world dealt you the cruelest of hands twice days apart. It changes a person where once was hope you know there is pain. It colours how you experience life, not necessarily better or worse just it's now different. What ever you experience now there is no right way to feel. Are there any support groups available to you? It's not a position many women find themselves in but I can categorically say you are not alone I could give you 4 or 5 other women's stories. All who have known your pain. All who have found joy in the end but they will always have the biggest place in their hearts for the children they lost. I'm not going to tell you that this is your time. I can't tell you that. I hope above everything else that it is. It is ok that it's different this time. Just take things day by day. Week by week and keep talking. Joanna Lumley said a lovely thing in an interview that I have kept with me "when you fall good people are there to help you up". Surround yourself with people who can help you up and to light a candle to help you can't see the light and sit with you when you need. Thinking of you x

Thanks yeah I'm ok, AF just finished so I'm hopeful that's me back to a regular cycle now. My in laws are here and they want to book a holiday with us now for next summer and I keep thinking 'but what if....?' but can't say it out loud.

@SuperScientist I hope you were able to have a bit of a real life chat. I can't imagine the extra layer of terrified that post partum psychosis adds, but the last few months have actually shown me how many lovely people I have in my life. We had to be very public about our loss because we thought we were 'safe' post 12 weeks and had told everybody. I was really touched and surprised by the response I had from friends, and often it's then you find out how many other people you know who have been through miscarriage.

@MrsS11 just make sure you have good insurance.
when we booked our Mauritius holiday I made sure I was covered with insurance before booking. We also booked with Kuoni as their cancellation policy is miles better than the typical ones.
turns out it was the right thing to do as the fertility centre have strong advised we don’t go to Mauritius whilst having treatment, so we’ve changed it to New York for February.
im still secretly hopefully that I’ll have to cancel that too because if I get a BFP this cycle I’ll be 7 months pregnant by then so won’t travel that far

I'm 12 months post loss unfortunately. Hoping my time is coming soon, on cycle 26 atm and just fed up and nearly lost all hope now

CD52 for me 🫤

Thinking of you tomorrow @Ella31

I'm sorry @Figtree11 , that sounds really frustrating. Have you spoken to the doctor about kick starting your cycle?

@Ella31 thinking of you today, hope you don't have long to wait xx