CD1 ttc after loss carry on thread #2

[Ladyinpink1]

♥️

@ThelastRolo20 thank you 🩷 I hope you're doing okay and looking after yourself. I haven't thought about the due date for a couple of weeks I think but today I just feel so sad that I'm not on the countdown to mat leave, and getting organised and bags packed etc. Just feel so sad that I'm still desperately trying to even conceive when it could have been different.

@Wise0wl I'll be in good company with you and @Ladyinpink1 🩷

@Bugdem123 I mentioned to my DH earlier that as a person who likes planning things, one of the things I feel so crushed by is that I’m not on mat leave right now. I won’t be on mat leave in summer, and in fact I probably won’t be on mat leave at all this year. It’s a lot to get your head around isn’t it? Have you got anything planned in to look forward to, or to give yourself some tlc? X

Hello all, how’s everyone doing? Looks like I ovulated yesterday on CD14 (although LH surge doesn’t always mean an egg with PCOS) so just entering TWW. Trying to keep my expectations low but quite chuffed that my body has at least had a good attempt at ovulation and a vaguely normal cycle even if nothing comes of it

@Wise0wl thinking about starting mat leave is tough, I would have been starting mid April, also today is what should have been my 12 week scan for baby 2 so that royally sucks.

@Bugdem123 did AF arrive?

@HerbaceousPerennial that's great news about a potentially "normal" cycle - hopefully it means good things for you this month x

@Wise0wl and @Bugdem123 I am the same, I also love to plan and my second loss due date was 6th March so I should be going off on maternity leave right now. I think about that and the lack of being able to plan quite alot , so it's nice to read that I'm not alone.
I have alot of baby stuff in the loft thqt I kept, but also have alot of things I didn't get around to organising and putting up in the loft after previous dc and I don't know whether to organise them and store them up in the loft or just keep waiting because could they be used soon... sounds like such tiny problems but apart from suffering the losses there are just constant other wee things for us ladies to deal with while we wait isn't there. x

Hi @HerbaceousPerennial oh that's great! Sounds like a good cycle and a good day to ovulate on. Hoping you get time to dtd plenty and then the wait begins! I'm good, on cd7 (loving that I knew that just by looking at the date lol) Dh and I are going to stay in a hotel next Fri for the night so looking forward to that. Will be just after I ovulate but hoping being relaxed around that time will help a little x

Hi everyone, I’ve not been around here much lately after getting a positive test (and bleeding and progesterone pessaries…) in mid-December but I was active in thread #1 and I wanted to check in to give an update and hopefully some encouragement. I hope that’s ok to chip in with. Skip over if you’re not in a place right now for pregnancy updates. I’ve been there…

So, just had 12 week scan today and all was looking good, measuring 12+4 (which is later than I’d have expected from tracking ovulation). It hasn’t quite sunk in yet, but I’m starting to feel hopeful which is huge! For context, I had an early loss (5/6 weeks) Jan last year and a very traumatic MMC at 12 weeks (measuring 9) in April which took 2.5 months to resolve, with repeated surgeries and eventually a blood transfusion. We started trying again in September after my blood count was back in range and I think were successful on 4th cycle from that. I’d actually decided we wouldn’t try that month, to avoid Christmas/NY drama, but evidently too late…! Other than only having sex once, several days before ovulation, we didn’t do much differently, though I’d been taking Ovum supplement and DH had (half heartedly) taken a few Proceive. These first weeks/months have been incredibly nervewracking. I’ve had two private scans and have been a bit of a hermit - natural introversion x 10 - as it’s felt too risky to hope but I can’t think about much else and just didn’t want to deal with other people. But here we are! I’ve still got all kinds of future horror scenarios in mind but for now am celebrating the milestone.

I wanted to say a couple of things to the lovely community on this thread. Firstly, if you read my post and feel the stretch of time between where you are and a 12 week scan to be an eternity, I get it. I found it so hard to see others disappearing into the distance with their pregnancies and births while I was still TTC, or still MCing. It felt like time was moving at different speeds for me and then. I’m not sure anything can make that easier. IT IS HARD. It is unfair, and you get to feel pissed off. I hope for all of you that each cycle is bringing you closer to meeting your baby.

Secondly, it’s a marathon - even for those who get a BFP straight away and pregnancy is uncomplicated it’s L-O-N-G, and for those of us with histories of loss, and fears of infertility, it’s even harder. Your mental health is everything, and do whatever you can to protect and nurture that. I’m still figuring out what that is for me, but early nights and saying no (including to my own inner worrier, and to Mumsnet rabbit holes) goes a long way. Look after yourselves. xx

@HerbaceousPerennial that’s encouraging! Fingers crossed for you this month.

I’m (still) finding other people’s pregnancies and births very difficult right now, but have read some reassuring articles that make me feel less like a terrible person.

@Bugdem123 and @Ladyinpink1 - I’ve sort of tried to stop not planning. Booked a couple of holidays, I’ve resigned myself to working all year now. But it’s very hard not to hope isn’t it! Like you @Ladyinpink1 I have lots of baby bits and I can’t bear to part with them right now, not even to lend them out to others.

@Oxalis00 congratulations! It’s so nice to hear from you, and I’m so pleased your scan went well. Thank you for coming and updating rather than disappearing off into the ether; though I find pregnancies and births in my real life so hard, on here it’s such a hope. Look after yourself and come back to update/check in! It’s so good in so many ways that this thread is quieter than it was but it’s not quite the hive of activity it used to be. X

@Oxalis00 this is a lovely, lovely post. Thank you and I hope you get to enjoy your pregnancy and not worry too much. Many congratulations.

@Wise0wl you’re definitely not a terrible person. It’s just very hard to hear. Like you and @Ladyinpink1 all my baby stuff is everywhere - although I insisted a friend take my maternity coat which I’d got out just before my miscarriage. With hindsight I did it because it was deliberately painful and I got myself unnecessarily upset about it all but I was in a bad place at the time.

@Ladyinpink1 that sounds nice to look forward to! Hope you have a lovely time and hopefully a bit of a distraction from upcoming due date.

@ThelastRolo20 I’m a mid April due date too. Absolutely dreading it. Look after yourself tonight - milestones like scan dates are rubbish.

Thanks all on the cycle comments - I know it’s stupid to be this pleased about such a normal thing but I just keep thinking even if I don’t catch this time, having a few more opportunities to conceive is a massive relief. I did read that cycles can start to regulate as you age with PCOS so hopefully that’s what’s happening 🤞

@Oxalis00 so over the moon for you 🥰 and in the interest of providing another story of hope for the thread, we also had a healthy official 12wk scan last Friday and it's finally starting to feel a bit more real.

I echo everything Oxalis said to those still in the thick of it all - it's a bloody hard time and there is no shame in having dark days. Hopefully though there is light ahead for all of us and lots of healthy little rainbow babies on the way 💕🙏🏼🌈

@Oxalis00 It's lovely to hear that everything is progressing well for you, and I hope you can at least relax a bit now that you've got to the 12 week mark. And what a wonderful post - I can only echo every single word of it. I really hope everyone gets their rainbow soon. ❤

I'm still keeping an eye on the thread but keeping a low profile as I don't want to be insensitive diving in on TTC chat when I'm in a different headspace at the moment. I'm still reading everyone's posts though and really hoping for lots of good news over the next few weeks. I'll definitely pop in with an update after my scan next week though, and am hoping I'll have positive news to share.

@Oxalis00 brilliant post, thank you so much for the update! Great to know how you're doing and that things are going well. Bit teary reading towards the end of that, very wise words

@Oxalis00 so sorry about AF 😔 I totally get the effort and resulting in nothing then feeling deflated. I haven't taken my vits half the week because I just feel like 'what's the point' even though they've really helped me to conceive in the past and I worry about making a wonky baby again without them. I tell myself 'I'm just doing XYZ to look after myself' then see 'pregnancy' emblazoned on every packet and don't fall for it 😝 hope you're feeling better now ❤️

@Ladyinpink1 great news about your hormones and how you're feeling about them. Just better feeling more in control and when things seem normal isn't it? I feel ok, just plodding along seeing what life brings 😅 I really want a big health kick soon though. Roll on spring sunshine and light! I have these 'together health' pregnancy vitamins instead of pregnacare and they have folate in! I'm just working my way through a disgusting batch of Cytoplan I conceived DD on then back on them. Can't cope with the grossness

@HerbaceousPerennial yay I'm so glad it cheered you up a bit! And good to hear your cycle is normal if only in appearance, sneaky PCOS. Got to take hope when we get it to keep us going! Totally get that, I'd be the same with some in-law family. And yes dead right - people have no idea the trauma / medical back and forth if they haven't had a loss like that. I hope there will be a MC revelation in the media one day like menopause is at the moment. I'd love to see the highlands! I went to a family wedding near Aberdeen once and that was beautiful.

@Bugdem123 big hugs ♥️ you're not stupid, it's so hard to keep on hoping. I hope you feel a bit better now a few days have passed and the initial AF pending arrival sting has worn off

On the subject of baby bits around... every day I WFH in what was supposed to be the nursery 😅 on a fold out desk. Don't want to invest in a proper one but at some point if it's really not happening I'll have to clear the room. Just trying not to think about it too much 😬 call me ms havisham haha. You'll read about me on the news as a crazy old lady still in here one day!

I am the same with all the vitamins @samilicious! I think ‘why am I bothering’ and then worry about something going wrong if I don’t take them.

Your nursery is lovely, I really like the furniture colour. I really hope it’s a temporary office for you x

@Wise0wl I'm the same! Feels like such an unnecessary expense when I can't get pregnant again 🙄

It's so lovely to hear good news stories from people whose pregnancies are going well, whilst simultaneously being heartbreaking for myself if that makes sense. Just so disheartened by not being able to get pregnant again, that bfp as we all sadly know too well is only the very first step and it's so upsetting not even being able to get that far.

@Oxalis00 and @SnookyPook such lovely updates, I’m so glad to hear everything is going well for you both 🥰 I’m still here reading all your posts but like @CluelessInLondon I don’t want to seem insensitive as I’m on a different part of the rough journey that is ttc/pregnancy after loss. I’m now 18 weeks (with a baby girl 💗) and starting to feel like it’s actually happening, although I’m still terrified about receiving bad news at the 20 week scan on the 19th. My original due date was the 22nd Feb so it feels quite poignant being the same week.

Sending lots of love to everyone, I hope you get your good news soon xx

@moosey89 it's okay, I'm the same. I'm happy for others but it just makes me more sad for myself as we're not even in the "wait" for the 12 week scan.

Genuinely am delighted for you @Oxalis00 @SnookyPook I'm unfortunately just going through a patch of feeling really sad, especially as we aren't trying until April/ May. It's so far away and includes my due date, and my friends due date (who is having a healthy pregnancy).

I'm not entirely sure how to get through the days at the moment - fully aware this feeling may be due to a hormone drop though

Thank you ❤️

@moosey89 @ThelastRolo20 I’m so sorry you’re struggling at the moment. It is hard. I am hoping I am through my bad patch but I can empathise. I got into a very dark place and could see no way out. In the end I booked some specialist counselling - I was struggling in particular with the PCOS and having no idea when I’d even produce an egg, never mind fall pregnant. I think mine was at least partially a hormone crash as it happened a couple of weeks after what I now think was my last bit of retained tissue shedding. So @ThelastRolo20 hopefully same for you. And hoping it’s a little better soon. We’ve been through a hell of a lot and it’s a testament to our strength and resilience that we’re still here xx

@samilicious your posts always make me laugh! My office has baby stuff stacked one side and usually a shed load of laundry drying on the other. I’m on the pregnacare conception vitamins and considering swopping as I am alarmed every morning at the radioactive wee. Hoping that’s not just me… Also I hate the smug woman on the box. She looks the opposite to how I feel.

@moosey89 & @ThelastRolo20 - so lovely to hear from you and I’m sorry you’re both finding things tough. Me too. It’s hard not to wish your life away waiting for the next stage of a cycle, the next cycle, the next chance of a bfp. And I feel so incredibly resentful towards others in my life who are pregnant or who have their babies. It’s not fair. Like @HerbaceousPerennial I’ve been referred for some MH support. Would either of you be open to that sort of thing? Sending lots of love. X

@Bali200 that is such wonderful news! Fingers crossed for your 20 week scan 🤞♥️

@Wise0wl thank you ❤️ seeking support is so important but I think I just need time. I'm only two weeks post surgery, and I have a good 3 month wait until we're trying again which is difficult to digest 😂

My main concern at the moment is navigating my friendships with those expecting their second. It feels like they're on a journey I can't join them on, that's what I feel most sad about

@HerbaceousPerennial good news on the ovulation! I know you've had it a lot tougher than I have with irregular cycles and they are just another source of frustration and worry!

@CluelessInLondon all the best for the scan, glad you're doing ok :)

@samilicious @HerbaceousPerennial I think you only really get it if you've experienced it! Even my therapist kept saying that in her day you never knew you were pregnant until much later and you didn't know a miscarriage from a heavy period. I could just tell she's never been through it and had to hold myself back, although I wanted to give her all the details on how traumatic it is! I'm more comfortable with talking about it now, but I've still not told my parents and kind of hating myself for it. I really thought I'd get pregnant again quickly and would then be able to tell my parents alongside good news...

@Wise0wl I am totally with you on the crushing disappointment with TTC! I feel like I've been so misinformed, like you'd get pregnant the moment you don't use contraception, when it's so far from the truth! I'm also finding hearing of other pregnancies tough at the moment - today we found out our friends are pregnant after a miscarriage last year. I'm happy for them but the overriding emotion is jealously and envy which is horrible and wondering if there's something wrong with me. A colleague at work has also told me she's in the early stages and I don't know how I'm going to cope when it gets announced. I don't know if there's any way around feeling like this tough.

@ThelastRolo20 hang in there, it's so so tough and the sadness is horrible. Sometimes I feel like moving somewhere far away and shutting off the outside world. As the quote goes, comparison is the thief of joy!

I finally got my blood test results and need an appointment with the doctor about oestradiol/FSH/LH which has stressed me out. I can't get an appointment for two weeks so I've got another long wait ahead! My last period was short again, only 2 days of any flow with spotting either side, so I'm still convinced I'm broken.

My DH has lost all of his positivity now and I feel so responsible and at fault. It's only been 3 months TTC since the miscarriage but it's starting to feel all consuming and that life is on hold until I'm pregnant again. I'm also so desperate to feel pregnant again which I know sounds strange, but I miss that feeling so much.

@13lucy thank you, I also want to shut myself away but every day I get through is a success, I just keep telling myself one day at a time. I've booked in to go see a couple of friends in London in March who don't have children/ aren't actively TTC so hoping I can really mentally shut off for a while.

I know the blood result may be nerve wracking but hopefully it's something that can easily be remedied/ helped and could make the difference! I know it's hard but try and see it as an opportunity. Can you and your husband go out for a nice meal in the next two weeks? Try and have a bit of a date night? I know harder said than done mentally but may help you reconnect again on a non-TTC level.

You are not responsible, and you are not at fault. This hurts enough without self blame, please be kind to yourself x

@13lucy & @ThelastRolo20 I found these helpful; they helped me not feel like a terrible person with how I feel about other people’s pregnancies and births:

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2022/01/pregnant-friend-ghost-after-miscarriage/621297/

https://uterusmonologues.com/2017/11/12/baby-bombs-and-ghost-birthdays-the-unbearable-envy-that-comes-with-miscarriage/

Sharing in case they’re helpful for you too.

@13lucy sorry about your bloods, I hope the wait for an appointment goes quickly. I’m sorry your DH is finding it tough too, but it isn’t your fault. When AF came this week I said ‘sorry’ to my DH and he said that just because I have to deliver all the bad news on our TTC journey it doesn’t mean it’s my fault! He’s right. I second the suggestion to do something nice to reconnect!

Thank you @Wise0wl that's really helpful.

It's hard to feel so envious of other people, especially friends and family. I never wanted to be that person - I'm going to try and not be