CD1 ttc after loss carry on thread #2

[Ladyinpink1]

♥️

@SnookyPook thank you but not quite. She just said how hard it has been for her not to tell me, and that shed felt guilty.

I couldn't have cared less, I remained stoic and said I was delighted. Burst into tears on the way home.

I'm meant to be going to the theatre with her and my other friend who is pregnant. Both remind me of each miscarriage - I'm not sure how I can cope with that right now.

Annoyingly I'd got to a really good place mentally - it's been completely undone now. I'm done. I don't even know what to do anymore.

@ThelastRolo20 that's so hard. To be honest, in your shoes I would prioritise my own wellbeing. Cancel the theatre if you need to. Being reminded of your two losses all evening will not be fun for you. Are you in a chat with both of them? Maybe you could just send a message saying you're so happy for them but you hope they will understand that it is breaking you a bit being confronted with their healthy pregnancies right now. You love them lots but for your own mental health you need a bit of space to process your complicated feelings...?! I don't know, there's no easy answer. Do you have other, non-pregnant friends or are these two your main support network? Do you think they would react well to a message like the above? I know not everyone would but you really have to look after yourself right now. 💗

@SnookyPook they would totally understand but these two are my main support network, I feel very very alone right now

Thank you @HerbaceousPerennial and yes my period arrived yesterday, it's actually a good day to have started as cd1 was the 1st of February so I will easily be able to keep track of my cds this cycle because they will be the same as the date. Lol. x

That's good everything was good with the test @CluelessInLondon and I'm sure the scan does feel so far! I hope the days fly in and it's here before you know it and I hope you are still feeling OK x

I'm so sorry @GoldDustWoman90 sending you a big hug today! Yes, I have had 2 losses and as someone else said the second was harder because you feel like it's happened twice... is something wrong. But I think it can still be completely random or hormones playing up, or things not developing the way they should and there is no reason why next time it won't happen for us. When I had my second loss I got some really helpful replies from ladies on here who had a similar experience with success after, I still reread the thread now and it definitely makes me feel better. Let me know if you want me to send you the link to it xx

I'm so sorry @13lucy the bfn's can really be so awful and really hit you hard, it's so tough, I think devestating is a word soneone used on here that is very fitting for how it can make you feel. Hope that the next cycle is here very soon and you have success very soon too xx

@ThelastRolo20 I'm so sorry, other pregnancys are awful but to have to hear it from one of your closest friends, and face to face, and then try to control your emotions and reactions for the rest of the time you were with your friend must have been awful!
A feeling of deep dread is how I would describe how it can make you feel, not sure if that's the right word but that feeling of something bad has happened, which as I type sounds awful but it really can hit hard can't it.

I think maybe you could say you aren't feeling well if you are worried it will cause any strangeness in your friendships. And stay home with your pj's on, a chick flick and lots of chocolate. xx

@ThelastRolo20 I totally agree with sending a message to them explaining you need to put your mental health first and cancel the theatre. I'm so sorry 😞

Thanks everyone. As I hate being sad I've already googled inspirational quotes to help me move on...one I love is "fall 7 times, stand up 8" it's a Japanese proverb

Ah @ThelastRolo20 it’s so tough. If it’s any comfort I got monstrously drunk and ranted at DH that I hated one of my best friends because she was pregnant and I wasn’t any more. It’s not true of course but in that moment it was and it is easy to be completely overwhelmed with what you’ve lost. The loneliness of it is I think the hardest part. Some days I feel like I’ve slipped into a parallel life that I didn’t choose and can’t get out of. But we will all be ok. Your quote is very beautiful, I will remember that. I hope you are feeling a wee bit better xx

@ThelastRolo20 i am so sorry, I get it. I agree, cancel the theatre. My DH has reminded me repeatedly that I don’t need to see the friends whose due dates are close to my losses, that real friendships will bounce back when you’re ready. And it’s ok too to have not very kind thoughts and it doesn’t make you a bad person. I know deep down I’m pleased for other people but I can’t help feeling resentful and questioning why they get a healthy pregnancy, and I didn’t.

You said before that you were doing ok before this. You are doing ok. Other people’s announcements shock and disrupt but you’ve been through so much, and you’re doing brilliantly even if this has knocked your confidence and brought your loss back.

Sending lots of love x

Thank you everyone, it really helps being able to talk here.

I think what's making this so much harder is that I'm having to hold out until April/ May to try again. May as well be a decade away. Tempted to try again after my next period, but then I'd be pregnant on holiday and once again would need to tell the in laws.

I think I'll speak to my friends next week and explain that for a while, hopefully not long, I just need to step back to support my own mental wellbeing x

Thanks @ThelastRolo20@HerbaceousPerennial@CluelessInLondon@Wise0wl @Ladyinpink1 . Had a few tears in the morning as on top of the BFN I couldn't have my blood test as planned due to my period not starting and the GP practice weren't very helpful. Had a good day after that and kept busy. Blood test rescheduled for Monday now.

You're right that it makes things easier with my sisters wedding but would have been a lovely problem to deal with!

I think it just feels like time is slipping away and becoming a parent feels like an impossibility right now.

@ThelastRolo20 sorry to hear that. It's so tough to deal with and I would feel exactly the same way. Hope you're feeling a bit better today.

Just going this group - had a chemical at 4+5 on Thursday (first day of holiday 😩). Hoping to try again this month whenever ovulation comes! Love reading all the positive stories! X

Hey ladies! So my not trying / months off are going really well... not. Hit the EWCM jackpot which I haven't in months and months (thought I'd had some last few cycles but now questioning it compared to this). Came home and seduced a very lethargic DH as soon as DD in bed 😂 I'm only CD12 so this is a bit early for me. Now to pretend this never happened and go on "not trying" again.

How are your weekends going?

@ThelastRolo20 big squeeze on your hand rn ♥️ there are things that don't need to be face to face to give you space to process them in the right way. Well done for staying stoic in the moment. Hope you ducked out of the theatre if you felt that was the right thing for you. I'm so sorry you feel cut off from your main support network right now. I hope a bit of time and space makes things easier and helps you come back together for your sake soon. My mum friend I lost touch with for similar reasons is due any day now and I'm currently avoiding socials and asked DH not to tell me when she's given birth x

@13lucy vent away! It's what we're here for. So sorry your birthday brought you a stupid BFN. They're the worst. TTC is so ridiculous, I've never caught when it's made any sense in my cycle. Hope you managed to have some fun -
Rolo is right in what she said 100% x

@Ladyinpink1 nothing planned yet, nice spa down the road we went to last year. But bit worried about booking in case anything does come our attempts. How you feeling now? Did you book your appointment? X

@HerbaceousPerennial thank you! Hope you get some regularity soon. Sounds like you've been through the wringer with waiting for things to get back to some level of predictability soon x

@CluelessInLondon thank you! Hope it flies by. January has been so slow, Feb must go quicker as a short month surely?! X

@SnookyPook lovely story ♥️ x

@samilicious I call that "trying not trying" 🤣 hope it works some magic for you!

My birthday is this week, fertile week, and I'm due to ovulate on the 11th which is my second due date that wasn't. Would be beautiful if I got pregnant this month on that date but putting zero pressure on it as I know it's unlikely and I don't want to be any more upset than I already get when af arrives!

Hope you are ok today @13lucy did AF arrive? I feel like so much time is passing too. We are all def due good news soon. What is the blood test you are you getting tomorrow? x

Sorry for your loss @Herewegoagain0 x

Yes got it booked and I'm good thanks, cd4 today. @samilicious Ooh a spa sounds lovely especially if it's close by. Lol at you seducing dh while not trying. x

@moosey89 not too long until ovulation fir you then. Are you doing anything different this month? x

@samilicious 😂😂😂 I like your style! Doesn’t count as trying, you can’t help that you were just coincidentally in the mood 😁 weekend’s been ok thanks, got back off a trip where a number of well meaning extended family members asked if/when we were thinking of a second. Just me of course, not DH. So I’ve done a lot of non-committal nodding and smiling and trying not to think about how I should be in my third trimester now.

@Herewegoagain0 sorry about your chemical.

@moosey89 happy birthday when it comes. Do you have anything nice planned?

I’m cd10 and that’s the first time I’ve ever actually known that! So thinking DH and I need to get our game faces on. Is it usually around cd14 ovulation occurs?

@Ladyinpink1 nope nothing different, tried all the tricks in the book over the years and none have ever worked 🤣 so just carrying on! My GP has prescribed 5mg folic acid so I guess that's something unintentionally different this month though...

It sounds random but yesterday I had a proper barista (feel like they're stronger) fully caffeinated coffee at a national trust type place cafe, went for a walk and it absolutely blew my socks off - hear racing, feeling seasick anxious. Usually have decaf but they didn't have any. Then had that crazy ewcm a couple of hours later then static smiley CB. 2-3 days before didn't even have flashing. Feel like that's kicked something off hormonally I was maybe missing? I'm definitely losing my marbles now.

@Ladyinpink1 what are your plans this cycle? The Tesco tv advert was a big pineapple the other day and made me think of you and your juicy one and smile!

@moosey89 ahhh "trying not trying" - I'm using that! Fingers crossed now's your time 🤞🏻 and deffo good to try avoiding the pressure feeling of it too

@HerbaceousPerennial oh yes, game on! I think so, mine is usually cd15-16. And bloody family, nothing like it is there. I get a whiff of that off mine sometimes and go hard oversharing how sad I am 'well it would be lovely to be home with a newborn this Christmas but sadly the baby is dead so here I am' 😂😂 think my family used to me being an aggy nob though. I still cringe about it later but it's a lovely coping strategy. Sorry I know it's a bit on the nose but I just hate that it's all some big secret or anything to be ashamed of lately, especially with my latest loss being TFMR. Everyone already knew because we'd announced it so makes talking about it easier. Was the trip itself to anywhere nice?

@moosey89 and @samilicious good luck! It seems like the stars are aligning for you both to dtd this month!

AF arrived this morning, two days early, to say I’m gutted is an understatement, am hitting my first due date and am not pregnant. I know that I’m being hugely unrealistic because the chances of a bfp each month are small, but I also gave it our all. Lost weight, no drinking, spent more time outside, shed loads of vitamins, ovulation tracking and SMEP. It all feels so hopeless. Sorry for the miserable Monday message, but I know you all understand and few people do!

@HerbaceousPerennial I normally get a positive opk on cd13 then cd14 is ovulation day but I have also had it as early as cd12, and as late as cd18 in previous cycles and some ladies get it even later... so if you can manage to dtd plenty over this next week, you should be well covered 🙂 x

Feel like i'm with you on trying it all lol. Speaking of Folic acid @moosey89 have you (or anyone else) heard of folate ? I have just bought it after been reading that it's better absorbed by the body. x

@samilicious you are definitely not loosing your marbles, when ttc, especially after a loss, you become super in tune with your body I think.
I got the worst pms and sore breasts before my period abd I haven't had that in a long time... since before my loss and so it's making me feel more positive about these next cycles that my hormones are finally back to normal. So you are not alone with the obsessing. How do you feel today?
No I'm sticking with the seed cycling and dtd lots.. I might buy another pineapple for tww though 😂 x

I'm sorry @Wise0wl sending a hug, and you are not being unrealistic, af arriving is so so tough but especially when you really give it your all and it doesn't happen, it feels so unfair. Your due date without a bfp is also very tough. I know it's Monday so you are likely at work but I hope you can get some time to yourself tonight, then a good sleep, and that things will feel a little better tomorrow.
You are 4 days behind me so we can keep eachother company in the next tww x

@Wise0wl I’m so sorry. It’s so frustrating when you’re doing everything right and still no baby. But everything you’ve been doing won’t be wasted and may help for next time 🤞 Due dates are a bitch and I’m sorry yours is coming up. Do whatever you need to to get through AF and we’re all here x

@Ladyinpink1 that’s good to know thanks. No guarantees an egg will put in an appearance for me but I’m going to assume it will until I have evidence to the contrary and focus this week! I’ve heard of folate and it is supposed to be better absorbed than folic acid - not sure there’s too much evidence it boosts conception but it is certainly good if you do conceive and no harm. Sounds like your hormones are settling down too

@samilicious thank you for your message, it made me feel so much better! I was sorely tempted to just say what had happened. But it’s DH’s family, not mine, and we were away for a big event so didn’t want to rock the boat. Mine get it in the neck 😂 although I did give one poor family friend a blow by blow account of my miscarriage one evening so god knows what they’re all thinking now! I think sometimes I almost feel the need to shock people with it, it was so brutal and went on for such a long time for me I almost want that acknowledgement of the enormity of what I’ve been through physically, never mind emotionally. Sounds a bit mad I know but I think people hear ‘miscarriage’ and think ‘sad heavy period’. Mine wasn’t like that at all and I was back and forth to the hospital for nearly three months. But yes apart from that the trip was very nice! We were in the highlands and it was a great break and change of scene

@Ladyinpink1 yeah I have been taking folate for a while, didn't seem to help me haha but also read the same that it's more readily absorbed by the body. I'm hoping that throwing 5mg in rather than the 400-600mcg of over the counter tablets might have some impact but who knows. We can only hope!

@Wise0wl so sorry AF has arrived. I totally get how you feel and it's so bloody shit. It's such a frustrating process as you can do everything "right" and it still doesn't work.

I'm 10DPO today and a BFN. I'm not holding out much hope as I've got my usual PMS symptoms so expecting my period on Friday or Saturday. I was feeling so hopeful that this was our cycle so now feeling a bit stupid and hopeless. We have two more attempts before my due date and I'm hoping so much that we somehow manage it before then. Feeling very down today but hopefully I'll be able to rally again soon.

Sending love to you all 🩷

@Wise0wl sorry AF arrived, it's always so crap.

@Bugdem123 we'll have our due dates around the same time if you have two cycles to go and I won't be pregnant by then due to the break we're taking. Only mentioning so if that is the case for you, please know you won't be alone ❤️

Thank you @Ladyinpink1, @HerbaceousPerennial @Bugdem123 and @ThelastRolo20

I just feel so much irrational rage at the unfairness of it all, when babies and pregnant women seem to be everywhere. We all deserve the babies we lost too.

I’m so sorry @Bugdem123. if AF is coming for you then you’ll be close cycle buddies with me and @Ladyinpink1 next cycle, which makes the whole thing feel less lonely!