I'm FUCKING sick of this, come wail with me and help me please.

[MademoiselleFrenglish]

Right. Started my period this morning, onto cycle 12 and I mean BUSINESS. No one seems to want to talk to us until we've been suffering endlessly for over 48 years, so I'm taking matters into my own hands.

I've obviously read all there is to know about conception and what you should/shouldn't take bla dee bla but I'm looking to go back to basics and would like some MN knowledge, please.

Me:

• 28 years old
• Regular periods my entire life
• Average cycle 29 - 30 days
• Average luteal phase 12 days
• Periods usually last about 4-5 days with only 2-3 days of heavy bleeding, not too much cramping
• Quit smoking a year ago
• Don't drink much alcohol
• 1-2 cups coffee a day
• Breathtakingly beautiful and perfect in every way
• Healthy diet - I calorie count on My Fitness Pal, diet is mainly Mediterranean as I live in France
• Have had 2 chemicals, I believe, but also possible that the lines were evaps and it was just a dodgy batch

DH:

• 31 years old
• Never had a period 🙂
• Healthy, works out, good diet, quit smoking a year ago, no issues in the bedroom, good sex drive, very good at getting things off of high shelves etc etc

Supplements I take:

• 120mg - 240mg CoQ10 daily
• Folic acid daily
• Vit D daily
• Vit C every now and then

Supplements DH takes:

• 120mg CoQ10 daily as long as I have enough left for me, if so, he goes down to once every couple of days until we can get more
• Vit D

I bought Maca powder recently, I've read the good and the bad but I think I'm willing to give it a go, so will take 1 tsp daily and DH probably will do the same.

Mentally, I'm flitting between "I'm so fucking DONE with TTC screw babies and their stupid little STUPID faces, I don't need one!" or wailing on the bathroom floor in a puddle of my own tears, OR floating around the house in an impenetrable bubble of positivity repeating the mantra "everything will work out in the end" whilst waving around smoky sage and fairy tears. So all in all, pretty good.

I'd just like some advice, really.

Op when u do the deed with dh what position are you in?

For some women you can only get pregnant one day a month. That day is the last day you make the egg white. If you make egg white you are ovulating. I made egg white for three days. It's only on the third day you can get pregnant.

Having too much sex dilutes sperm. Make sure you track your egg white. And yes if you feel horny that's also egg white time!!

OP have you tracked egg white mucus and done it on the last day?

No advice, my DC are 11 & 13 now, but I tried for 4 months, and then realised I didn't even know about ovulation or a fertile window, never mind the rest - I had to buy a book!

But just to say that you sound lovely OP, I'd really like you to be pregnant soon, sending good luck wishes!

Definitely agree with the 'can't be arsed' approach. Reasonable amount of sex at approximately your time of ovulation, have a few laughs and forget about it until your period doesn't show up.
Easier said than done on your first time, I know.
Relaxing also works wonders for getting labour started. But I don't mean planned relaxing with the scented candles and harp music malarkey, I mean be gentle with yourself and allow nature to take its course.
Also, it's not often that I read a post on MN and instantly want to be friends with the OP, but you sound lovely and I think you'd be a great pregnant lady, a birthing hero and a fabulous mum. (Too much?!) Good luck...

Breathtakingly beautiful and perfect in every way

Wtf??

OP is obviously being sarcastic and has written with a tongue in cheek, humorous tone. Chill.

Personally, I love fertility acupuncture and also throughout the first tri.

you need to push for testing though , you and DH , just so you can rule out any basic issues .

Preseed helped me!

It's very, very obviously a joke. Baffling that considering the subject matter you would choose to post the message you did. OP sounds brilliant IMO.

Morning!

Loving that so many people want DH to get me up the duff. Won't tell him, his head won't fit through the door, but I love you all.

@sillnotseal I'm not in the UK so not sure how easy it is over here tbh (France) but regardless I'm taking December off and drinking wine, eating paté, staying up late and mooning the neighbours. December is MY month!

@noooooooo When you say arse in the air, is putting a very thick pillow under my bumcheeks whilst I scroll on my phone for 30 mins enough, or should I actually be doing downward dog?

@BurbageBrook I've used so much preseed over the past few months I'm surprised it's not coming out my eyeballs. Unfortunately doesn't seem to be doing much for us. I'm almost out of it now and Amazon don't seem to stock it anymore, so I've got Conceive+ lube instead.

@moosey89 Ah thank you. I've sobbed in DHs arms many times this year so it's not all rainbows and good humour but I've just sort of decided that I'm done with that now (give it a week I'll be wailing on the bathroom floor again, oh well).

@missmoosh Thank you for that big list! I definitely need to up my dosage of CoQ10 but it's just so bloody hard to find over here. I'm convinced that French women don't have trouble getting pregnant, they just share a platter of escargots with hubby, have sex round the back of the boulangerie and then birth perfect children who don't throw food. Will see if I can order some from Holland and Barrett, they've never let me down. Sorry you're having trouble with anxiety. It's a real bastard isn't it? I'd offer advice but it's not something I've managed to beat myself yet.

@emmatcc1 Ah I'm sorry. It's just the shittiest of shit. Feel free to join me in taking December off, enjoy the festive season and get back on the horse (your DH) in Jan. Who knows, maybe we'll both end up pregnant at the same time!

@jadey1991 We like missionary, doggy, me lying on my tummy or me on top. So I kind of figure we cover all gravitational bases 😁

@Flyhigher I'm always a bit unclear about what egg white looks like, think I need to do some googling!

@TokyoSushi You're so kind, thank you!

@sleepymama3 "Can't be arsed" mode is pretty much how I live my entire life, so I really should be doing it with this too. Shouldn't be too hard to achieve! Oh THANK YOU! You sound like you'd make a good friend to me too, and not just because of all of the compliments 😉

I also need to stop testing and accept that this isn't "implantation bleeding" but an actual fucking period. I have a horrible habit of looking at tests hours later and then getting excited when the evap line appears and is pink. Bastard tests.

OK the thought of the spoon shape is giving me the heebie jeebies 🤢

But I did come to say the same. I swear what did it for me after trying for ages was propping bum on pillow and orgasming after he'd come. I thought it was something to do with the muscle contractions squeezing it up there better? 🤔

Oh! It was also the month I tried conceive plus gel or whatever it is 👍

Hang on, that's interesting! I always orgasm before DH (he's a proper gentleman) - would him orgasming before me make any difference?!

I agree just enjoy December
I conceived after a really boozy weekend with friends, had been taking folic acid in the run up but nothing else other than that, the clear blue work for me first time.

Give yourself a rest till after Xmas, take him out get drunk, dress up and enjoy the season. Start 2024 with lots of cuddles and not needing to perform, it could actually be stress that is a problem....

When you have sex and he let's his swimmers go lay on ut back with her legs up in the air and place ur fist under your bum. Stay like that for 5 min.

@MademoiselleFrenglish I think yes, the contractions are supposed to help pull in sperm.

@jadey1991 Ok great, that's what I usually do. But usually for 30 mins because I can't be arsed getting back up right away 😁

@emmatcc1 Oh wow, that makes sense! Thank you! We're so used to me orgasming first, think it's going to take a looot of practice. Poor us, we'll just have to spend days and days perfecting it 🙂

Who knows.. tried it and first time 👶

Yep this worked for me, twice. The contractions help them on their way up there. Good luck!