Anyone else TTC after TFMR?

[Downtherabbithole83]

Anyone else on here in the same situation? Would be nice to chat to others who understand.

Hey ladies! I'd love to join you all too and I'm sorry to hear of all your losses. I had a tfmr at 16w in November due to the baby having an obstruction in the lower urinary tract which caused the kidneys to fail. We were told we could start again once I'd had my first period as the condition is generally just bad luck. Currently 8dpo (I think) but not getting my hopes up - we conceived the baby we lost in the first month, but dd took a year.

@Quokka7 ours was brain abnormality too and although waiting on the consultant appointment (we had our daughter 02.12.22 at 25 weeks) I have read about taking 5mg Folic Acid for 3 months before TTC. Did you get prescribed the 5mg at your consultant appointment or had you been taking it anyway? Our consultant appointment isn't until mid Feb so I was wondering about taking 5mg Folic Acid anyway but can't track down that high a dose so assume it has to be prescribed (or I need to take 12 tablets of 400ug!!) x

Welcome @Hidingawaytoday - we are obviously on a very similar timeline as I’m also 8dpo today.

I’m the opposite way to you though in conception experiences: my two older dd were conceived very quickly but my most recent pregnancy took 6 cycles including using an app and eventually opks.

I also found my first period hung around longer than normal and there was still some colour (mostly brown rather than red -tmi?) when I was in my fertile window so I’m not sure if that means things weren’t quite ready for conception this time.

@whippeywhippet gosh I'm so sorry you had to go through that so late in your pregnancy. I've not actually had a follow up appointment (I think they said I could have one once they had the results but it was so long ago!), but I asked the consultant straight after the scan if I should start the 5mg just in case it was related to spina bifida and he said yes. I went straight to sainsburys to buy some cheap 400mcg and yes, took 12 of them! Thankfully they're small! My GP took my word that the consultant had advised it and put 5mg on a repeat prescription for me. I would start taking them as I dont think that it can do any harm especially seeing as they dont know for definite our diagnosis but still advised trying it. X

@Quokka7 Thank you. It was a real shock, everything was fine at our 12 week scan and then the 20 week I had to go back on 4 separate occasions as she was so low they just couldn't see the bit of her brain they needed to. On the 4th attempt I knew she had moved and that allowed them to check properly, she was then born 11 days later. I find a lot of comfort in talking about her and what happened and I'm eager for the follow up appointment.

Thank you for sharing about the folic acid, I think I'll do exactly what you did until I can get it prescribed x

@Downtherabbithole83 hmm, maybe, or it could just be some old blood working its way out. I've found I've just generally had odd bouts of bleeding/spotting since I had the tfmr even when the bleeding afterwards stopped.

I was really surprised to conceive so quickly - but it was nice feeling that our family would be complete (and knowing I was only going to be going back to work for a few months), so it's been deflating knowing we have to try again and I keep having to remind myself that I'm not going on mat leave in April!

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you this month 😊

I’ll do the same for you @Hidingawaytoday 🤞

How is everyone doing?

I'm have some really painful cramping going on as AF seems to have arrived, the first one since the TFMR. Does anyone remember it being particularly painful?

Also @Quokka7 I spoke to my grief midwife about the 5mg Folic Acid and she said it's a great idea ahead of the consultant appointment so she is going to ask the docs to prescribe me some. Thank you for your help!

Sorry to hear that, @whippeywhippet. I don't think my first AF following my tfmr was particularly painful (physically anyway). But then I'm lucky in that I've never really suffered with them. It could also be a bit worse as you were further along. I really hope you're not suffering for long ❤

We've just booked the committal service for our baby. It's in just under two weeks, will just be us, so we can say goodbye, but it's just brought all the memories back up again 😢

@whippeywhippet My first AF was really painful too. I seem to remember it being really weird anyway with spotting etc, but it all settled by the next cycle and everything went back to normal. I hope yours settles soon! Cramps suck.

Speaking of which, I'm having the worst cramps too. I thought AF started yesterday but I guess it was just spotting and now nothing. Started getting these ridiculous cramps this avo though, so maybe I'll hit CD1 soon. I'm still a bit confused because I was due to have mine around Tuesday next week. I'm always stressing about stuff like perimenopause because I'm 38 but I think it might be my anxiety talking...

@whippeywhippet I'm so pleased that you mentioned it and she thinks it's worth trying. It's just nice to feel proactive and make a positive step forward. I didn't have a particularly painful af after the tfmr but I did have 7 days of spotting before a further 5 days of bleeding looking back. My luteal phase has always been awful though so I usually take cyclogest to prevent that!

I've been spotting for 8 days now so assume this is actually af now as my last af was crazy light too after the mmc. I've just bought myself some cheap opk's ready to try again this cycle now. Trying to also cut down on sugar as I ate far too much over xmas!

@Hidingawaytoday sorry you're feeling low having had the memories brought back up. You have to work through the grief in your own time xx it does get easier (but things can always trigger you 😞)

@AlwaysWorriedAboutEverything I worry about that too. I'm 38 this year and know I have a low ovarian reserve so feel stressed with my cycles being as bad as they are!

I think this might be the tread for me. It's so hard talking to people who haven't been through this experience. Think
I may be a bit ahead of some of you as my TFMR was nearly a year ago, hopefully none of you continue to have issues like I have.
Conceived baby #2 in 2021 and had a TFMR in Feb 2022 at 18weeks. She was a very poorly baby T21 and serious heart issues. Started trying again in June and had a chemical in July. Started trying again in sept and had a MMC at just under 8weeks in Oct (early scan due to TFMR) Really debating if I want to being TTC again or not, not sure if I can take another loss 😢
@whippeywhippet I remember some fairly intense pain and pink watery CM for a few cycles after birth

Welcome, @HoneyPea. I'm sorry about your tfmr and subsequent losses, I can't imagine how you might be feeling. Is taking a break for a few months/year an option?

Thank you, @Quokka7. We debated whether to just have baby cremated rather than have a committal as well but, as hard as it is, the baby is a part of us, and we need to acknowledge them. Tbh, I'm amazed that this is even an option after a loss - I had assumed that the baby would be taken away by the hospital (which to be fair was an option had we wanted it), but the fact it's being treated as a baby even though I was only 16w is lovely.

@Hidingawaytoday i have just been reading your posts.
I had the same options for my baby at 16.5 weeks, we opted to make our own arrangements & used the co-op funeral company which dealt with everything for us, as we were told if the hospital cremated her she went with lots of little babies & we wouldn’t really know where she was, this felt very impersonal to us and we wanted more for our girl. I don’t know where u are but in Scotland it’s free, so they collected my girl from the hospital, kept and prepared her & we had a lovely pink coffin and ceremony for her at the same place my grandparents were cremated, we still have her ashes and I think the service they did was really lovely, we wanted to give our girl the respect she deserved.
I hope you can come to a decision easier than we could, it’s really tough but we felt doing all this for her was the right thing. Hopefully you can find a funeral parlour who can assist you too, if that’s how u wish to proceed, it’s a lot and I hope ur ok 🤍 x

Welcome to our little safe space @HoneyPea - lots of people who understand here. My tfmr was also for T21 though mine was at 14 weeks. I’m sorry that you have had such a difficult journey since and I’m not surprised that you have found yourself having that debate xx

@whippeywhippet my first (and only) AF wasn’t particularly painful but was weird - heavy for 2 days then very light for two more then stopped (I’m always 7 days normally), 2 days of nothing and then that evening I started bleeding very lightly again but this continued for another 4 or 5 days! It was still happening when the opks said I’d peaked.

I took a test today just out of interest but, as expected, BFN - AF is due in 4 days and I’m really emotional which is normal for me at this stage so assuming I’m out of the running this month. Don’t know if AF might come earlier or later though as I’ve heard some people find their cycle changes after tfmr. Has anyone else found this?

Thank you for sharing @NSx. They told us that if the hospital did it, the baby would be buried in a private ceremony in a cemetery about half an hour from us, with all the other babies lost, and that just doesn't feel right to us.

Can I ask what you did for a service? We were thinking we'd just have some music and say a private goodbye. We've found a local funeral director, who are lovely and very willing to help - it's free in England too (or at least where we are!), which is nice.

Sorry about your BFN @Downtherabbithole83, 🤞 you're wrong or for next month.

Thanks @Hidingawaytoday.

We chose to have our baby buried by the hospital in the way you describe. I found it easier to cope by distancing myself from the process a bit and we were so early on that I didn’t feel the same attachment to our baby that I think many experience - I mourned the pregnancy and the potential rather than our actual baby. I think that’s why I was okay with a burial of this type. I know that my thinking appears to be different to most people on tfmr but it’s how my brain has coped I think.

I think it’s important to do what feels right for you and I’m glad you have found people who are lovely and helpful xxx

@Hidingawaytoday It was just my fiancé and I who attended as we wanted it to be more private and our parents were struggling with it all.
For the ceremony we picked a song, the humanist/celebrant (I’m not sure exactly what they are called) said a lovely poem that I chose and he also said some words of his own. We also asked him to wear pink and he wore a pink tie which was lovely. To be honest it was horrendous in how sad I felt, but atleast my girl got the send off she deserved and honeslty I don’t regret it at all.
The funeral parlour were even so lovely as to make another plaque with her name on, same as the one that was on her tiny pink coffin so we had something to keep 🤍
it’s honestly such a personal choice but I felt it was right for us, after spending the entire night with her in the hospital when she was born, we really wanted to do her proud 💖
I’m sorry if this is upsetting for you to read, please feel free to message me with any questions x x

@Downtherabbithole83 Thank you

@Hidingawaytoday Im not sure if I want to have a break, try until the summer and then give up or just not continue at all. I'm going to be 37 next month so getting older and DC1 is 3 and a half, I always wanted a 2/3 year age gap (which it would have been 😢) and I don't think I would want a massive age gap. I've just had a letter through from the hospital as apparently my doctor has referred me to the recurrent miscarriage clinic but they have said they have a massive backlog.

I think we were lucky as due to covid the hospital were offering individual cremations for babies over 16weeks.

Thank you for sharing @Downtherabbithole83, I can completely see where you're coming from. Grieving the pregnancy and what could have been is very much where I'm at I think, but I just wanted baby closer.

@NSx that sounds perfect, and I'm glad it gave you some comfort 💕. I really appreciate you sharing your story.

@HoneyPea that's fair enough, it must be such a hard decision. Hopefully you won't be waiting too long for your referral, have they said how long the wait would be?

@Hidingawaytoday 💖 no problem. I’m planning on doing something with her ashes, just not entirely sure what yet 💕

how is everyone getting on with ttc, I just got my static smiley 😊… also I’m on cycle 7/8 so I’m not hopeful at all 😩 losing faith..

@NSx I think AF may be on her way to visit me a few days early this month… trying hard to see it as positive: means my fertile days will be here sooner, right?!

Sorry to hear you’re losing faith. I remember feeling like that after the fifth cycle last time and then it happened! 🤞 that this is the one for you xx

@Downtherabbithole83 what makes u feel she’s coming early ? I hope you’re wrong 🤞💕

it’s funny because it took 3 cycles when I fell pregnant last Feb, but now it’s never happening 😩 and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong x

I’ve got my typical ‘Shes coming’ warning signs: irrationally angry with every one for the smallest thing and lower back pains. Bit tearful too.

With my first two I just noted when my CM was the right consistency and conceived so easily - one go, first month with my second child. With my last pregnancy (the one we tfmr) it took 6 cycles even with using an app but took first time when I used the clear blue opks. So I think in my head, I thought if I used opks again we’d catch easily - it’s been a hard lesson to learn.

I think it shows that you can do everything ‘right’ and unfortunately it still doesn’t happen some months. No rhyme or reason to it.

And that’s why we’re all here to listen and look after each other. Especially as so few people understand how it feels when you had to tfmr a much wanted pregnancy.

@Downtherabbithole83 ahhh ok I get that too? I’m always so emotional before AF, I’m sorry that this cycle is heading that way for you.

I’ve been using clear blue OPKs and DTD during the fertile period, as I did before but it’s just not working. I know they say it can take a year but that seems like a lifetime, saying that, I’m almost there 😂😂 I’m 8 cycles after my TFMR.

It is truly heartbreaking to want something so badly & then having to terminate because they’re not compatible with life 😩 life is cruel x