My IUI cycles might have taken the want for children out of me

[Cactizone]

Is this ridiculous? Am I being weak? Have I just spent thousands of pounds to learn that I don't want this? Or is it just that it's stressful, degrading (I find it this way personally, I hope not everyone does) and leads to obsessive compulsive, and frankly angry fretting / planning about the next cycle.
I've only done 2 and I despise the procedure itself (and dealing with all the endless calls to the perfectly nice clinic staff) so much that It's almost enough to make me throw in the towel.

Maybe because I'm stuck in the gritty reality of percentages and ratios of conceiving and so far removed from anything natural or spontaneous but it's changed my perspective. It seems pretty hopeless. Does anyone else feel this way? I don't want to keep bleeding (ha) money into this, its so expensive, but I don't want to stop either, the idea of giving up brings out a special kind of sadness and anxiety.

Maybe I'm the problem underneath it all, and have areas of mental health to work on undoubtably, but compared to the giddy excitement and trepidation and 'bring it on' vibes of starting, looking at going through the procedure of round 3 feels like signing myself up to pay a grand for people to make me feel pain for no reward.

Sorry for the bleak vibes, just needed to wring out my mind sponge.😐

Hi @Cactizone, I didn't want to read and not reply.
How are you feeling about it all today? It all really is over whelming isn't it x

The TTC process I mean, I have not went down the IUI route (yet) although I have been looking into it. X

@RMS0209 Thank you that's kind of you, I still have a lot of mixed emotions. Half of me is just 'keep going for it, you can handle the pain!' and the other half is 'but its so peaceful being on my own, and nice to have my money for me'
I guess I'll see which way it swings for now and try to give myself a bit of time to think about it.
I hope if you go down the IUI route you have a better time of it X

@Cactizone
It's hard isn't it! I honeslty never realised how hard it is to conceive until I started trying to conceive.

Can I ask maybe it's to personal so you don't have to ask... have you went for IUI for medical reasons or just trying something else?
I agree it's nice and peaceful being on your own but then I see all my friends with little ones and I think gosh I want that, that's what gets me through each month.

Thank you for the good luck, it's getting luck to get the doctor to refer me to go for it that's the big issue ha ha. X

So hard!

Im a single and never-wanting-to-mingle person so for me it was the best option. I’d prefer home insemination but that seems so complicated to do in the UK if you don’t have someone you want to use for donor sperm in place already, and has a lower chance I think of working.
The clinic I wanted to start me on IUI as there was no reason to suspect fertility issues and nothing had come up on the tests.

Yikes I don’t envy you having to wait for a referral, fingers crossed that works out!

Hi! I have done IUI too (I have PCOS and was doing ovulation induction; my clinic advised IUI too for best possible chances of success). and I just wanted to say that I totally sympathise, it is a hugely physically and emotionally draining process, I think especially because you have to go in for so many scans pre-IUI as well. I had a session of fertility counselling (included as part my of treatment cycle) and the therapist actually said she has far more IUI patients than IVF due to the demanding nature of it and she recommends that patients take time between treatment cycles as a result. xx

@Cactizone

I feel you with the never wanting to mingle.
yeah I am in the UK too!
I know somebody doing home insemination, I take my hat off to her.
I'm happy to hear tests came up all ok.
Do you have a cycle coming up again soon? X

@magnoliasinbloom
That's so interesting about IUI Vs IVF! Thank you for the sympathy, I think time in between is probably the right shout, it's just hard when you feel time is ticking isn't it 😅

Hi @Cactizone , I am also planning on having IUI in the next month or so, and I know I am going to find it so difficult and invasive. I was planning on IUI because it seemed less invasive than IVF but your post has made me think again!
I think this is so tough to do alone. I am sure a lot of people feel like you are feeling, it is a lonely journey. Take time out if you need to, there is no right or wrong answer. The fb group 'solo mothers by choice' is good, there are lots of posts from people having wobbles- even during pregnancy. Give me a few months and I'll almost certainly be where you are now!!
Good luck with your next step, whatever you chose- and I would love to hear how you are getting on!

@RMS0209
Never wanting to mingle all the way!
I don't have an impending cycle, I haven't even let the clinic know the last one failed yet in case they get pushy to do the next cycle, I'll call them next week I think, hopefully I'll have decided what my next step is by then...

Ivf here and two failed embryo transfers last year - heading into the hormone madness and aiming to transfer my last frozen embryo in June. It is so joy-sapping and numbing as a process.

I would definitely explore what counselling your clinic offers. I started after my second failed transfer and it has definitely been helpful.

@Totorotoes
thank you for the kind words and the group advice, I’ll check it out! I hope your road through IUI is smooth and successful, but if not you are definitely not alone!

@Verbena87
Thank you for sharing, that sounds so stressful but it is good to hear that I’m not alone in these feelings, I shall take your advice!

@Cactizone
Do you think they will get pushy to do another cycle?
Please keep me updated if you do.
I am thinking of looking into this next cycle if I am not successful before then... be great to have you to talk to if you are going through it again. X

@RMS0209
I am not sure, they weren't pushy so much last time as presumptuous and it was a little off putting. I completely forgot to call them today so I'd better get around to it soon either way...
Let me know how the next cycle goes for you and what you decide! It would defo be good to have someone in the same situation to talk about it all with, I will keep you posted! X

I'm doing donor insemination and I know I want to be a mum more than anything in the world and I wouldn't be putting myself through all this heartache if I didn't want it. But there are times when I wonder whether it's all worth it and do I even want it anymore. I think for me it's a protective mechanism because the emotional rollercoaster is so intense.

@JulesRimetStillGleaming
that makes sense, you’ve got to protect yourself somehow and it is a lot

@JulesRimetStillGleaming I think I saw a post you put on another group about your situation...I wanted to ask if you have checked out the Solo Mothers By Choice group on Facebook, just because there are people on there who have been through some of what you have mentioned and you may find it helpful to chat to them. I'm not plugging it or anything (I've only just joined it!) but I've found it is a very active and supportive group, and there don't seem to be as many SMBC threads on mumsnet. I hope you have support IRL- it's lonely doing it alone 🙁

Thank you. I've requested to join.

So, 'my' sperm should be arriving this week so I might be able to start this month!! But I woke up with lots of silly thoughts in my head....like, if they 'inject' the sperm through the cervix into the womb, how do they know which way to go then?! 😂 I've got a mental image of them being like a flock of sheep and all sticking together- but what if they pick the wrong tube?? Or do they send out little search parties to look for the egg and cover both tubes....I'm really overthinking this, but the mental images are quite funny 🤣 I love my anxious brain!
@JulesRimetStillGleaming I hope you find it helpful, there are lots of women who have had success through IVF DS, DE, DD, IUI, AI...and the list goes on. I find it encouraging to read success stories but also have support from people still trying!

They randomly swim in all directions so some will go the wrong way. But they don't all go the wrong way or else humanity would've died out by now

This gave me a well needed laugh I meant to say! X

@JulesRimetStillGleaming well that's good to know, my donor has a high IQ apparently so I'm hoping his clever little sperm will go un the right direction! 🤣🤣

@Totorotoes
Those little guys better put that IQ to good use!😂