My IUI cycles might have taken the want for children out of me

[Cactizone]

Is this ridiculous? Am I being weak? Have I just spent thousands of pounds to learn that I don't want this? Or is it just that it's stressful, degrading (I find it this way personally, I hope not everyone does) and leads to obsessive compulsive, and frankly angry fretting / planning about the next cycle.
I've only done 2 and I despise the procedure itself (and dealing with all the endless calls to the perfectly nice clinic staff) so much that It's almost enough to make me throw in the towel.

Maybe because I'm stuck in the gritty reality of percentages and ratios of conceiving and so far removed from anything natural or spontaneous but it's changed my perspective. It seems pretty hopeless. Does anyone else feel this way? I don't want to keep bleeding (ha) money into this, its so expensive, but I don't want to stop either, the idea of giving up brings out a special kind of sadness and anxiety.

Maybe I'm the problem underneath it all, and have areas of mental health to work on undoubtably, but compared to the giddy excitement and trepidation and 'bring it on' vibes of starting, looking at going through the procedure of round 3 feels like signing myself up to pay a grand for people to make me feel pain for no reward.

Sorry for the bleak vibes, just needed to wring out my mind sponge.😐

@Totorotoes what new symptoms tell us? I'm living vicariously through you right now. I used to sit my tests on my work desk and just Stare at them all day. I was wfh so it wasn't creepy

@roro87 haha sounds just like me! 😂 My digital one died today though (presume it has a battery?) so can't stare at it now 😟. Did another FRER today and it was lighter so obviously panicking but rationally I know it's probably because I was chugging water yesterday evening as I was out in the sun in the afternoon!! The fear though is very real!

Symptom wise, the new ones are...ahem...VERY sensitive nipples 😳🙈 and lower back ache, which I never get. I'm also still getting some cramping, and I'm very bloated (I'm on progesterone though). Oh and yesterday I got a little emotional at Call The Midwife, which is very unlike me!! 🤣

Hello!
@Totorotoes @RMS0209 @roro87
Im so sorry for being away, long summary:
Briefly fostered a dog, had an emotional break down about my work, got covid, got new job, left old one, had holiday, waiting for new job to start 😅
In terms of plans I’m pretty sure I now have to wait a year 😩 or just under your qualify for maternity leave on work before trying, naturally being told to wait makes me want to start now 😂

More importantly how are you three doing? I hear there’s congratulations in order @Totorotoes , hope you’re feeling okay!
I glanced through the rest of the messages and hope there’s some positive progress on the horizon @roro87 @RMS0209

Hello! @Cactizone
I knew you'd come back to us that's why I tagged you every few messages ha ha.

What a busy summary that was! How was fostering dog?
Boo for covid but yay for new job.
Ugh.... but the waiting makes sense when a lot of £ is in the picture.

Not too much to report here, enjoying a lovely hot summer holiday currently sitting by the pool, relaxing now I know I have 14 safe little embryos in the freezer ❤️ hoping I get a new cycle in October for a transfer and hopefully end up as lucky as @Totorotoes 🤞🏻

@Cactizone hooray you're back!! We have missed you 🤗
Sorry to hear you've had such a turmoil, very exciting about the new job- congratulations!!! I am sure a year of thinking, saving and self care will make you raring to go again 😁
@RMS0209 everytime you say how many embryos you got it makes me go "wow!!". That's such an excellent little brood 😊

@RMS0209 thank you I appreciated the inclusion a lot!

I loved that dog but sadly fostering her contributed to my break down Big Time for work related reasons 🙈 I’d like to do it again in the future tho

wow 14 little embryos!! That’s amazing! What an army! You’ve earned that holiday and 🤞 for October

@Totorotoes i have missed you all too! Thank you, if I’m not ready by then then that’ll probs be an answer anyway

Hi Ladies,

New clinic today, it's so small and intimate with only 5 people working in it. So totally new plan letrezole, trigger shot and timed interiors x 3 cycles maybe increase to 6. Then IVF if that fails no IUIs for me. He said no benefits. Only problem us I've quite a large haemorrhagic cyst on my ovary and until that goes we can't start. Which I won't lie I cried a lot about.

Back in 6 weeks for another scan if it is gone we can start.

@roro87 your new clinic sounds nice! The plan sounds good. So sorry to hear about your cyst, I hope it is gone by your next appointment 🤞

Sadly, for me it's been confirmed by a blood test that my little bean isn't sticking around and I've started a bleed today. Really sad. Hoping I can transfer again next month but I really thought this was it!! Thanks for all your support xx

@Totorotoes oh no my heart goes out to you. I'm here if you ever need to talk. It's so shitty. Be super kind to yourself.

@roro87 thank you, yes it is shitty but I will mope for a while then get a plan together. I'm going to take a day or 2 off work, I imagine once I come off the progesterone I will bleed a lot. I won't miss those nasty little bullets!! Feeling sorry for myself but I am a natural pessimist so I half expected it.

Hi @roro87 new clinic sounds good, excited for you... hoping this nasty cyst goes away pronto for you to get started.

@Totorotoes I am so sorry, I am sending you the biggest virtual hug. Take some time for you... time off and relax thinking of you today. Here if you need to rant vent or anything xx

@RMS0209 thank you. I have told work I'm not going in the rest of the week, I expect I'll feel worse once I stop the progesterone. Keep getting tearful but not sure it has fully sunk in yet. I'm glad it happened now rather than later as it is so early but still it is sad.

@Totorotoes how are you doing? Thinking of you. X

@RMS0209 I'm Ok, thank you for asking. I've been up and down, sometimes feeling fine then a bit weepy, or angry, or despairing that it will never happen for me. But, I've got a lovely group of friends and my sister who have been really kind and at the moment I'm feeling much better.
I've got a consultation on Wednesday with the consultant and I'm really hoping I can go ahead again this month, although fighting now with the feeling that this will never work!
Hope that you are all doing well 😊 x

How are we all?!
@Totorotoes @roro87 @Cactizone x

@RMS0209 I'm good, we are trying to get our new house ready to move into, lots to do. Hoping to be in for the 28th. How are you? Is your frozen transfer this month?

@roro87 hello! fingers crossed you can get in on the 28th, how exciting.. how lovely to be kept busy too ha ha.
I'm ok thank you.
I think my transfer well I don't think I know my transfer will be in November, I am only cycle day 20 today (if my last cycle is anything to go by 44 days.. :( ) so I am on the "starting" list at my clinic for November so now it is a waiting game.. I am excited but nervous, now I just need a time machine. x

Hello! 👋
@roro87 very exciting about the house, it sounds like you will be in soon and then you can look forward to Christmas in your new home 😁
@RMS0209 I'm going to be a hypocrite here and say- don't worry, it's not long, time will fly! <- said by the most impatient person ever (but seriously, it gives you time to prepare and it really isn't too far away) 🤪

How is everyone? Hope you are all ok. My natural FET cycle plodding along, might trigger tomorrow 🤞 then it will be 7 days til transfer

Hey ladies!! How are we all?! So sorry for the quietness x

@Totorotoes @roro87 @Cactizone

@RMS0209 hello old chum! 👋 what is new with you?
I've got exciting news- I had my transfer done on 28th Oct, and got a BFP!!! After last time I am unable to just enjoy it as I am over analysing every cramp, I am 4+3 today which is when I had my chemical so I'm hoping after this weekend I will relax a bit. Having lots of symptoms already which I hope is a good sign!! 🤞🤪

@Totorotoes HELLO! Oh my goodness, I am absolutely delighted for you - this is wonderful!! oh me what great news for a Wednesday.
Yes just you relax!!

I'm ok thanks, I am cycle day....14 (remember my cycles are long sometimes day 20/26 for ovulation) blood tests started on Friday, todays was cancelled but going in again on Friday for one and hoping to transfer in the next 2 weeks! I can't wait to stop drinking pomegranate juice and eating brazil nuts ha ha x

Hello @RMS0209 @Totorotoes
sorry for being out of the loop again, my new job has been a stressful beginning!
I have been thinking about you both
@Totorotoes that’s such great news! How are you coping with the over-analysing?
@RMS0209 not long to wait hopefully it goes by quick! Are you feeling good about the transfer?