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Conception

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Original poster

Is 46 too old to be a first time mum?

318 replies

toooldtobeamum · 25/12/2021 23:52

Been married to DH for 10 years and always thought we would not have a family.
I have BPD and always discounted the possibility due to medication and my MH.

I love kids, have a couple of god children and 5 nieces and nephews who I adore.

But - 46 in a few months and have been thinking more and more recently about it. We are financially stable and working wont be a problem.

I accept it probably won't happen naturally and we would need to consider IVF privately.
Am I absolutely mad for even considering this? Too old? Too crazy?

OP posts:
JanisMoplin · 26/12/2021 13:29

Not read the whole thread. But I am 49-nearly 50- and exhausted by a difficult YA, menopause, the pandemic, work, elderly mom and a husband with health conditions. No way would I have been able to handle teen and YA problems at 63 ( if I had had a baby at 46).

Even if you are very healthy - I am- don't undersestimate the challenges that mid life can bring: aging parents, wobbly job market, health conditions, and now just the pandemic.

itscoldinhere · 26/12/2021 13:29

@Agreentreeoutside

I don't understand the casualness of saying just use donor eggs, particuarly suggestions of going abroad. There are real ethical questions to be considered before going down that route. There are health risks to the woman who has donated her own eggs, it's not like a man donating sperm.

If going aborad in particular, questions should be asked as to how genuinely willing the woman was or whether they really understood what they were signing up for e.g. the method in the USA or Spain of targetting young women to donate their eggs in exchange for money. IVF is a big, profit driven business and the fact there are even "egg brokers" on the international market with the potential exploitation of other women, almost certainly younger and poorer than the recipient, isn't something which should be glossed over.

Do you work in this field or have researched it?

Donor banks in the UK are highly regulated and donor eggs are often banked by women who are offering them for reduced IVF etc. Many SMBC using donor sperm donate eggs themselves to 'give back'. Abroad treatment eg Greece would be due to age of IVF commencement not for any nefarious motives. Gamete donation in the UK is not what you're suggesting. No one gets PAID for donations in the UK - they either donate because they want to or for reduced treatment. Since 2005 no gamete donation is completely anonymous either.

There are ethical ways to proceed with this path. Look at HFEA and DCN for more info.

stairgates · 26/12/2021 13:31

I would say dont do it for a 1st either, had my last at 44 and I know what the next 20 years holds for me as my eldest is 23 and its draining to even think about.

pollyparrot45 · 26/12/2021 13:44

Honestly I had my first at 26 & I'm pregnant now (albeit tentatively - early days and losses in between). Pregnancy, childbirth and parenting have really put my physical and mental health through an awful lot and tbh I wouldn't want to do this at nearly 50.

Each to their own though & it's about what is right for you & not other peoples opinions.

Agreentreeoutside · 26/12/2021 13:54

@itscoldinhere I specifically referred to posters suggestions of just going abroad when the ethics/regulations are varied. I gave the USA and Spain as examples, not the UK, where there is a direct exchange of payment. If the OP is being encouraged to "go abroard" then considering the regulations in the country of choice is sensible.

I do have close experience of children conceived via donor eggs from one of the countries listed above. The children come from the donor eggs of a young woman who was paid to donate them. They are very loved and wanted but their own DM, now the children are adults, has herself voiced retrospective concerns on the methods she used to coceive them.

It's an emotive subject but I don't think the ethical debate should be dismissed or not be considered when discussing using donor eggs. I didn't say women shouldn't do so but these are points to think about before going down that route.

Original poster
toooldtobeamum · 26/12/2021 14:23

@OutbackQueen

Do you mind me asking what meds you’re on OP? I have severe MH issues too and wouldn’t be surprised if I had undiagnosed BPD. All the very best 💐
Hi I have quetiapine 300mg and 200mg sertraline x
OP posts:
Original poster
toooldtobeamum · 26/12/2021 14:29

Wow lots to read through:

Thank you all so much for replying, I appreciate all your comments.

I think the general consensus is correct, I am physically too old and really have to put my MH first.

OP posts:
hiptobeasquare · 26/12/2021 15:10

@R0tational please do not suggest adoption so lightly. It is likely to be more physically and mentally demanding than a birth child. I have both birth and adopted children. I love them both, but my adopted child faces so many more challenges and I have to help him navigate the world. It is the most draining thing I have ever done. I would do it for him again in a heart beat, but people should go into adoption with their eyes open.

R0tational · 26/12/2021 15:13

@hiptobeasquare Sorry, didn't mean to cause offence, I was more thinking of overcoming the age factor and the fact the OP said she had a lot to give. But point taken Halo

wingingit33 · 26/12/2021 17:38

I had my first at 21, second at 25, now 30weeks pregnant at 33. I'll never do this again!

NotMyDayJob · 26/12/2021 17:54

@xmasfairy21

Don't not fair on the child

I know several first time mums age 46/48 and now kids are ages 8-12, all just worn out granny looking, have daytime naps, one play date is a massive deal etc.

Several of kids are embarrassed of their mums already due to their age, being out of date etc

You didn't want children enough before so I'd argue you don't now. Get a puppy ?

This is really offensive. 46/48 years olds all 'granny looking'? Kids embarrassed by their parents? You sound horrible
Karmagoat · 26/12/2021 18:52

I would say yes, too old. Im the same age as you OP had my 1st at 23 and 2nd at 31 and even then there was a noticeable difference to my energy levels lol!. There's no way I could physically or mentally do it now and I'm peri menopausal and thats something to take into consideration too.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 26/12/2021 21:32

@NotMyDayJob that's not what she said. She said women she knew who had their first child at 46/48 looked like grandmothers when the children reach 10 - so the Mums are getting on for 60.

NotMyDayJob · 26/12/2021 21:37

[quote EmmaGrundyForPM]@NotMyDayJob that's not what she said. She said women she knew who had their first child at 46/48 looked like grandmothers when the children reach 10 - so the Mums are getting on for 60.[/quote]
Well it's still a horrible thing to say

lemonsquid · 26/12/2021 22:11

I think if you have love to give and you want to do it then absolutely go for it!! Would you consider doner eggs? Sounds like that would be the best bet. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide

RoyalFamilyFan · 26/12/2021 22:16

It is true that a woman at 60 years old with a primary school-aged child, will look like the child gran.

whiteroseredrose · 27/12/2021 07:55

Hadn't thought of that - My DGMs were 42 and 46 when i was born. So same age or younger than the OP.

sweetbellyhigh · 27/12/2021 08:12

@RoyalFamilyFan

It is true that a woman at 60 years old with a primary school-aged child, will look like the child gran.
A woman who has a baby at 46 will not be 60 when that child is at primary.

Do the math people

AlwaysLatte · 27/12/2021 08:26

I would say it's too old, definitely. I was 36 with my first and 39 with my second, which was quite old enough for me. I really noticed too the difference in general ages of the mums after my second - I definitely was one of the oldest at the school gates. I can't imagine doing it 5 years later!

CaMePlaitPas · 27/12/2021 08:50

I'm having my last at 32 and then I'm tying my tubes, shutting up shop, never again!

oftenbaffled · 27/12/2021 08:55

@sweetbellyhigh

If she fell pregnant tomorrow, she would have the baby at 46
Seeing as she started a thread pondering whether too old as she’s about to turn 46, it’s much more likely that would be 47/48 and that’s if she fell pregnant immediately (which is statistically highly highly unlikely given her age)

In which case… a 60 year old mother with a primary aged child in this scenario becomes a lot more of a probable reality

stillsleeptraining · 27/12/2021 09:34

Sorry but I really think it's too old. I'm 40 with two young kids and it's exhausting. I am constantly shocked by how physical it is. I absolutely could not have started now and coped.

And that's not even including how hard I found pregnancy and being post partum.

Have you thought about fostering? I would absolutely love to do that. You could completely change lives.

mamaduckbone · 27/12/2021 09:51

You have to ask yourself a few really important questions:

  • do you have the energy for sleepless nights/running around after a toddler?
  • are you willing to give up a very established lifestyle?
  • does it bother you that you may be 10 years + older than most of the parents at baby groups / school gate etc and that your friends probably have much older children?
  • will you be financially secure enough to get them through university at retirement age?

My mum was an older parent (42 when I was born) at a time when it was far more uncommon (not a deliberate choice) and I have found it difficult for various reasons over the years so I do think you have to consider what your child will have to deal with as well as your own feelings. I'm not saying don't do it, just go into it with eyes wide open.

sweetbellyhigh · 27/12/2021 09:52

[quote oftenbaffled]@sweetbellyhigh

If she fell pregnant tomorrow, she would have the baby at 46
Seeing as she started a thread pondering whether too old as she’s about to turn 46, it’s much more likely that would be 47/48 and that’s if she fell pregnant immediately (which is statistically highly highly unlikely given her age)

In which case… a 60 year old mother with a primary aged child in this scenario becomes a lot more of a probable reality[/quote]
Like I said, do the math. 14yos are not in primary any longer.

Besides OP has already resolved the issue.

flipflop76 · 27/12/2021 09:55

I had my daughter at 43 after years of IVF treatment and donor eggs.