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Original poster

Is 46 too old to be a first time mum?

318 replies

toooldtobeamum · 25/12/2021 23:52

Been married to DH for 10 years and always thought we would not have a family.
I have BPD and always discounted the possibility due to medication and my MH.

I love kids, have a couple of god children and 5 nieces and nephews who I adore.

But - 46 in a few months and have been thinking more and more recently about it. We are financially stable and working wont be a problem.

I accept it probably won't happen naturally and we would need to consider IVF privately.
Am I absolutely mad for even considering this? Too old? Too crazy?

OP posts:
HacerSonarSusPasos · 26/12/2021 11:45

Is your BPD under control completely OP? Could you handle the lack of sleep, anxiety, the physical symptoms of pregnancy and recovery after birth without throwing you off balance?
Are your relationships stable and healthy and unaffected by the BPD?

Honestly, I think this is a bigger concern for both you and the baby that your age.

lemmein · 26/12/2021 11:53

I wouldn't but then, I had my DC very young and have been battered by life a bit so now I'm 43 I just feel knackered most the time. I have a 4 year old grandson who I look after regularly and although I LOVE spending time with him, I also love him leaving Grin

Everyone's situation is different - if you're fit and healthy then why not? I think though, if you've been content prior to your DFs passing and this is a relatively new thing you might benefit talking it through with a professional before you decide, to avoid making a permanent decision on what might be temporary feelings.

Babyghirl · 26/12/2021 11:53

@toooldtobeamum
Go for it, I know a woman who thought she was going through the menapose at 47 turned out she was pregnant for the first time, if it doesn't happen at least you tryed.

I'm 38 ttc number 1 but been starting but been at it from 35, have had 4 miscarriages and 1 cp and hoping ivf helps, good luck on your journey 🍀💚

MillaRennt · 26/12/2021 11:56

46 is too old imo.

lemmein · 26/12/2021 11:57

@ironorchids

Also the insinuation that you shouldn't have kids because you might die while they're in their twenties or won't be able to take them to university interviews is ridiculous.

Plenty of people lose their young, fit, active parents at ages far younger than their 20s. Life expectancy is not 60 so it's pretty far fetched to suggest you will die when your kid is 20.
And children can go to university interviews on the train. It's not difficult. A 17 year old is completely capable of it.

Do we then say that parents who are young and fit are also selfish if they have hobbies that might kill them, like if they surf they might get killed by a shark, if they drive a lot they might get into a fatal crash, if they like going on adventure holidays they're more likely to die in a sports accident or from a virus?

Seriously, the way people throw around "you're selfish" is just silly and self righteous.

What about the number of obese or overweight people in this country selfishly not doing enough exercise, eating enough vegetables or doing enough about their diet and lifestyle to live to the average life expectancy age?

Those selfish drinkers, over eaters, and sedentary people. Seriously, people need to stop with the "you're selfish". Everybody is selfish.

Agreed. Both my DDs had a few friends that lost their fit, active mums in their 30s/40s whilst they were in primary school. There's no guarantees no matter what age you have them!
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 26/12/2021 11:58

This is your body having a last hoorah before menopause. You honestly don't want a baby/ toddler plus menopause.

Itchylegs · 26/12/2021 12:03

Also depends were you are. In Central London first time mother's over 40 are quite common among middle classes. Elsewhere you might stand out at schoolgate. Here not so much.

xmasfairy21 · 26/12/2021 12:14

Don't not fair on the child

I know several first time mums age 46/48 and now kids are ages 8-12, all just worn out granny looking, have daytime naps, one play date is a massive deal etc.

Several of kids are embarrassed of their mums already due to their age, being out of date etc

You didn't want children enough before so I'd argue you don't now. Get a puppy ?

Notgettingbetter · 26/12/2021 12:18

More than your age I think the main thing to consider is your mental health. Especially as it would be your first child - having a baby will likely put massive strain on you. Do you have a good support network? I'm 41 with a four year old daughter. I would love to have another baby but my mental health has never been worse than it has this year. It was hard when she was a baby because she cried a LOT and didn't sleep much. I got through that, and some other very difficult things but it's all taken its toll and I'm broken now. So I'm trying my best to accept that I won't be having any more.

Double3xposure · 26/12/2021 12:22

@xmasfairy21

Don't not fair on the child

I know several first time mums age 46/48 and now kids are ages 8-12, all just worn out granny looking, have daytime naps, one play date is a massive deal etc.

Several of kids are embarrassed of their mums already due to their age, being out of date etc

You didn't want children enough before so I'd argue you don't now. Get a puppy ?

Don’t talk such bigoted ageist offensive misogynistic nonsense.

Many mothers and fathers in their 50s are working full time. Not having “ day time naps “, “ all worn out looking “ and “ being out of date “.

xmasfairy21 · 26/12/2021 12:26

@Double3xposure only talking do the ones I know (know quiet a few!)

None work FT actually none work more than 2 days a week. As I said, it's knackering - even more so if you have boys or are single.

furbabymama87 · 26/12/2021 12:26

Yes far too old in my opinion.

runningfromtheoutlaws · 26/12/2021 12:28

No sorry I wouldnt!

Greenmarmalade · 26/12/2021 12:29

I think your age plus BPD would mean you’d set yourself up for a very difficult life.

IVF can be gruelling.
Toddlers are too.
Teenagers in your 60s sounds incredibly challenging.

Plus you’d be more likely to have a child with additional needs or disabilities which would increase the challenges.

FourTeaFallOut · 26/12/2021 12:32

Yes, it's too old.

ViceLikeBlip · 26/12/2021 12:39

A good friend just had a surprise second baby at 44- she's coping far better physically than I did when I had my second in my early thirties!

But admittedly, 46 is very late to only just be embarking on a fertility journey. I think that the toll of IVF combined with the slim chance of success would be more of an issue than coping with one baby in your late forties (plenty of grandparents in their 40s,50s,60s end up with grandchildren living with them full time)

SoyMarina · 26/12/2021 12:39

I think it's too old for many reasons.
One is that you're heading towards menopause at that age and that can be a very tough time for some women. Therefore being a parent to a young child would be very difficult at that stage.

Double3xposure · 26/12/2021 12:46

[quote xmasfairy21]@Double3xposure only talking do the ones I know (know quiet a few!)

None work FT actually none work more than 2 days a week. As I said, it's knackering - even more so if you have boys or are single. [/quote]
Generalising about the few that you know to a whole group is bigotry.

Same as generalising about all the black people, Jews or gay people.

Why don’t you reread your post like this - how do see they seem to you ?

“ I know several black mums age 46/48 and now kids are ages 8-12, all just worn out granny looking, have daytime naps, one play date is a massive deal etc”

“ Several of [their] kids are embarrassed of (sic) their black mums already due to their age, being out of date etc”

“ I know several Muslim mums age 46/48 and now kids are ages 8-12, all just worn out granny looking, have daytime naps, one play date is a massive deal etc”

“ Several of [their] kids are embarrassed of (sic) their lesbian mums already due to their age, being out of date etc”

“ I know several gay dads age 46/48 and now kids are ages 8-12, all just worn out grandad looking, have daytime naps, one play date is a massive deal etc”

You don’t think that’s offensive ???

Notwithittoday · 26/12/2021 12:53

It’s not ideal from a health and general energy perspective really but I’d def rather have one at 46 than not have one at all. It is the best thing I’ve ever done. My mum was 40 ( conceived naturally) and she managed ok

nannybeach · 26/12/2021 12:54

Had my last DD at 41,(2nd marriage) I was very young looking,fit, healthy. A year later became a granny. Then I end up with a young child, plus working full-time,and looking after my dying Father. 30 years on,her DP grandparents are my age,it makes me feel awkward. When he met her DS,he says,oh, she's the same as as his Mum!

statetrooperstacey · 26/12/2021 12:58

Would ivf work at your age? I’m not sure it has very good success rates. I’m 47 and have grandchildren now as do most of my friends.
I honestly don’t know how to say this nicely but I think you will probably be a burden on a child. Sorry

MimiDaisy11 · 26/12/2021 13:12

While I don’t think it’s ideal I do think a lot of comments aren’t fair and ageist. You’d think the average 60 year old used a Zimmer frame. I think there are also low expectations of older people here which you don’t get in some other countries. If you go to countries like Japan you’ll see a different view of the elderly.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 26/12/2021 13:17

I think it depends how much you want it. Have a look at the trying to conceive over 40 threads and see how hard those women are trying. Following them for a while gave me a big reality check.

CaveWoman1 · 26/12/2021 13:21

Hmmm sorry OP but I do think it’s too old. Do you really want to be battling through the newborn baby stage aged 46/47 & then the toddler years which will consume your late 40’s. You’d be 51 or thereabouts when they started school. I can only speak from personal opinion of course so you may see things very differently. But having older parents can be hard for a child too.

Could you adopt? So many children out there need loving parents & a welcoming home

DaisyMum40 · 26/12/2021 13:24

@MimiDaisy11

While I don’t think it’s ideal I do think a lot of comments aren’t fair and ageist. You’d think the average 60 year old used a Zimmer frame. I think there are also low expectations of older people here which you don’t get in some other countries. If you go to countries like Japan you’ll see a different view of the elderly.
The average age of first time mums in Japan is early 30's so perhaps not a great comparison in the context of the question being asked by the OP. And as for being ageist... I know plenty of people in their 50's, 60's, and above. I've done lots of volunteering with this age category. Most are fit, active, in general good health for their ages and lead relatively busy lives, they are certainly not sat at home waiting for God to come knocking. However, none of them would want to be parenting a teenager, they're happy being grandparents to spend the time they want with grandchildren and hand them back to parents. They're making the most of freedom of their own lives. It's not being ageist, it's being realist.