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Conception

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Original poster

Is 46 too old to be a first time mum?

318 replies

toooldtobeamum · 25/12/2021 23:52

Been married to DH for 10 years and always thought we would not have a family.
I have BPD and always discounted the possibility due to medication and my MH.

I love kids, have a couple of god children and 5 nieces and nephews who I adore.

But - 46 in a few months and have been thinking more and more recently about it. We are financially stable and working wont be a problem.

I accept it probably won't happen naturally and we would need to consider IVF privately.
Am I absolutely mad for even considering this? Too old? Too crazy?

OP posts:
HoliHormonalTigerlilly · 27/12/2021 09:56

A friend just had her first baby at 46. She's delighted! Go for it
If that's what you want OP Smile

HoliHormonalTigerlilly · 27/12/2021 09:58

I should add that she is in extremely food health & very fit. This will definitely help with the toll it's going to take on her body!

flipflop76 · 27/12/2021 10:03

@Lolamento

Yes, way too old and selfish to have a child at that age.

It's easy to say that if you've had a choice over when to have a child and had no fertility issues. I didn't meet my partner until my mid 30s and we tried for 7 years before I eventually had my baby at 43. I wouldn't call us selfish or too old. I do exactly the same things with her as the younger mums do. My mum is 70 and loves looking after her too.

flipflop76 · 27/12/2021 10:04

....and yes, as someone pointed out, nobody bats an eyelid when a man in his 40s becomes a Dad, which many do.

oftenbaffled · 27/12/2021 10:11

@sweetbellyhigh

You do the maths!

My point was that in thenop’s scenario 46 was absolute best case earliest scenario for having a baby.

So let’s say much more realistic age of 48/49

In which case the child would be year 6 of primary with a 60 year old mother

oftenbaffled · 27/12/2021 10:13

@flipflop76

....and yes, as someone pointed out, nobody bats an eyelid when a man in his 40s becomes a Dad, which many do.
Why are you surprised.

Biologically, the statistical likelihood of a woman in her 40s conceiving is low. Very low.

Whereas for a man, statistically much much much more likely.

So for a biological perspective, there shouldn’t be any batting of eyes for a man in his forties. Whereas more surprise for a woman in her forties is completely natural

flipflop76 · 27/12/2021 10:25

Yes but it's the comments about it being selfish in terms of ability to look after the child when older. Presumably the same for a man?

Lifeisnteasy · 27/12/2021 10:29

@flipflop76

Yes but it's the comments about it being selfish in terms of ability to look after the child when older. Presumably the same for a man?

I think this is because it’s the woman carrying the baby. It’s her age which is more likely to result in prematurity, conditions like downs syndrome and other health risks

Whereas a 40 something man getting a younger woman pregnant doesn’t result in the same risks

notacooldad · 27/12/2021 10:41

....and yes, as someone pointed out, nobody bats an eyelid when a man in his 40s becomes a Dad, which many do
Very naive and simplistic to suggest it is the same as a woman having a baby in her late 40's. Apart from getting pregnant, carrying the baby and the initial months post birth, which can be exhausting as you recover, if the relationship breaks down it is usually the woman left with the child. A man does not go through the menopause
I would not want a toddler when facing the menopause as well as secondary school drama when I am in my 60's!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 27/12/2021 10:46

Well I'm 43 and would be much too old for me but I have cancer at 40 so my perspective may be wrong. I know a few people who successfully had babies at 42/44 but none as old as 46...

flipflop76 · 27/12/2021 10:53

@notacooldad

....and yes, as someone pointed out, nobody bats an eyelid when a man in his 40s becomes a Dad, which many do Very naive and simplistic to suggest it is the same as a woman having a baby in her late 40's. Apart from getting pregnant, carrying the baby and the initial months post birth, which can be exhausting as you recover, if the relationship breaks down it is usually the woman left with the child. A man does not go through the menopause I would not want a toddler when facing the menopause as well as secondary school drama when I am in my 60's!

Both are equal parents though. I had a very straightforward pregnancy at 43, no complications and an easy recovery. Yes I was knackered but so were my 30 something counterparts.

flipflop76 · 27/12/2021 10:56

@notacooldad

....and yes, as someone pointed out, nobody bats an eyelid when a man in his 40s becomes a Dad, which many do Very naive and simplistic to suggest it is the same as a woman having a baby in her late 40's. Apart from getting pregnant, carrying the baby and the initial months post birth, which can be exhausting as you recover, if the relationship breaks down it is usually the woman left with the child. A man does not go through the menopause I would not want a toddler when facing the menopause as well as secondary school drama when I am in my 60's!

So my husband will be able to deal with teenage dramas at 60 then but not me?

notacooldad · 27/12/2021 10:57

Both are equal parents though.
Maybe but have you not seen the relationship board and how many men appear to change once a baby arrives.

I had a very straightforward pregnancy at 43, no complications and an easy recovery. Yes I was knackered but so were my 30 something counterparts.
That was 43. The op is not even pregnant at just about 46, it may take another couple of years. There's a world of difference between 43 and pushing 50 for a pregnancy.

namechangeagain32 · 27/12/2021 11:11

Whilst we aren't always in the position to choose the optimal baby age I can't believe anyone thinks have a baby in your 40s with teenagers in your 60s ideal...there are pros and cons at every age but being in your 50s/60s with still very dependent children/teenagers/young adults must be recognised as a pretty obvious con.

oftenbaffled · 27/12/2021 11:11

@flipflop76

Yes but it's the comments about it being selfish in terms of ability to look after the child when older. Presumably the same for a man?

Agreed

But a man isn’t on here asking, is he?

My father was an older dad. He had me at 49

It was mortifying

oftenbaffled · 27/12/2021 11:12

And I lost him at 24

TheCreamCaker · 27/12/2021 11:21

46 for a first baby is too old, I think. I was the youngest of 4 when my mum had me at 36, my dad was 41. Growing up, they seemed ancient.

If you have a child now (nearer 47), the risks of things going wrong with the pregnancy and birth will be far greater than for a younger woman. Your child would be starting school when you're 51 - I was a granny at that age. You'll be elderly during the teenage years. Your child won't have you around as a granny for their children.

Your desire to have a child is perhaps that hormonal urge that middle-aged women often get (I was like it myself during my 40s and 50s)

destiEos · 27/12/2021 11:42

You do whatever you feel is right for you. Almost certainly you'll have to use donor eggs though, if you're ok with that. I've always thought having a child is the most selfish thing a person can do and found it amusing that parents think they are so selfless (totally unaware that they are only selfless as regards their own child, which is basically an extension of their own self). I'm sure you'll love your child the same as a 23 year old loves theirs, and your choices are just as valid. Good luck whatever you decide!

oftenbaffled · 27/12/2021 11:55

@destiEos

You do whatever you feel is right for you. Almost certainly you'll have to use donor eggs though, if you're ok with that. I've always thought having a child is the most selfish thing a person can do and found it amusing that parents think they are so selfless (totally unaware that they are only selfless as regards their own child, which is basically an extension of their own self). I'm sure you'll love your child the same as a 23 year old loves theirs, and your choices are just as valid. Good luck whatever you decide!
What a post Grin
oftenbaffled · 27/12/2021 11:57

@destiEos

You’re on multiple pregnancy threads

You’re pregnant!

destiEos · 27/12/2021 12:19

[quote oftenbaffled]@destiEos

You’re on multiple pregnancy threads

You’re pregnant![/quote]
I am, yes!

Phrenologistsfinger · 27/12/2021 12:31

@Lifeisnteasy actually - as someone going through IVF right now and having screening for chromosomal abnormalities due to age - there is an equal likelihood that male sperm dna fragmentation can cause issues in any baby! The embryo gets 46 chromosomes, 23 from the egg snd 23 from the sperm. Any issues with those on either size are problematic. Age and lifestyle can absolutely mean that older men’s sperm (I’m talking late 30s/40s) is no good and leads to miscarriages and abnormalities! So many male factor infertility issues on the infertility and conception boards. It’s just our slightly misogynistic medical system has traditionally put it all on the women. In part because fertility doctors tend to be gynae ones not urologists.

Lifeisnteasy · 27/12/2021 12:35

@Phrenologistsfinger absolutely, but the man doesn’t carry the baby, his body doesn’t carry and grow it from a microscopic dot & give birth to it. There are a few conditions more likely with older fathers (autism & bipolar off the top of my head), but older eggs are more associated with physiological health issues such as Down syndrome. It isn’t fair, but it is what it is. I once heard a NICU consultant saying the rise of babies in NICU is strongly associated with older mothers, particularly those needing IVF.

oftenbaffled · 27/12/2021 12:44

And yet you come on saying you think it’s the most selfish act there is and scorn parents who think they are selfless…. When absolutely no one is talking about the selfishness or otherwise of becoming a parent…

And yet you have been desperately trying to conceive through ivf and now pregnant

Odd. So odd.

destiEos · 27/12/2021 12:53

I do think it's the most selfish thing you can do, which is why I find it so strange that some parents on here are calling others selfish for wanting to do so (in this instance because of their age).

Actually, I've been very lucky in not having to desperately try to conceive. I hadn't realised how very difficult it can be for some people until I tried myself, which is why I wish anyone who would like to conceive bloody good luck with it 🙂

I didn't realise there was anything odd about my post. Perhaps you've taken my use of the term selfish as aggressively derogatory, maybe I should have used self-serving or egocentric. I meant it is something that is done exclusively for the benefit of the individual doing it.