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Original poster

Is 46 too old to be a first time mum?

318 replies

toooldtobeamum · 25/12/2021 23:52

Been married to DH for 10 years and always thought we would not have a family.
I have BPD and always discounted the possibility due to medication and my MH.

I love kids, have a couple of god children and 5 nieces and nephews who I adore.

But - 46 in a few months and have been thinking more and more recently about it. We are financially stable and working wont be a problem.

I accept it probably won't happen naturally and we would need to consider IVF privately.
Am I absolutely mad for even considering this? Too old? Too crazy?

OP posts:
oftenbaffled · 27/12/2021 13:00

Still don’t get it!

I regard IVF that I’ve seen friends go through as seriously tough and so I do regard it as very much trying to conceive - but you think your ivf was a different experience…. Then fair play!

Phrenologistsfinger · 27/12/2021 18:07

@Lifeisnteasy well, I am doing IVF scanning for chromosomal abnormalities as we speak, any embryos that aren’t euploid (chromosomally normal) won’t be transferred! This significantly reduces the likelihood of chromosomal issues like downs syndrome. It is doable but getting euploid (normal) embryos as an older woman can be the hard bit - on average 1/3 will be normal but that is average only. It’s a numbers game for me at 39 and it will be even harder in mid-40s. But not impossible!

Phrenologistsfinger · 27/12/2021 18:09

There is a lot of ladder pulling on here. Sure it’s easy to judge when you have kids but in another woman’s shoes, you would do the same. You are just lucky that you don’t have to. Hmm

Lifeisnteasy · 27/12/2021 18:26

[quote Phrenologistsfinger]@Lifeisnteasy well, I am doing IVF scanning for chromosomal abnormalities as we speak, any embryos that aren’t euploid (chromosomally normal) won’t be transferred! This significantly reduces the likelihood of chromosomal issues like downs syndrome. It is doable but getting euploid (normal) embryos as an older woman can be the hard bit - on average 1/3 will be normal but that is average only. It’s a numbers game for me at 39 and it will be even harder in mid-40s. But not impossible![/quote]
Absolutely but it’s an issue for natural conception in terms of the likelihood of the outcome being a healthy baby and mother.

TopCatsTopHat · 27/12/2021 19:39

@Phrenologistsfinger

There is a lot of ladder pulling on here. Sure it’s easy to judge when you have kids but in another woman’s shoes, you would do the same. You are just lucky that you don’t have to. Hmm
I don't think it's ladder pulling. Aging is a reality, there are plenty of ladies who at 46-50 could handle parenting for another 20 years but also some who couldn't (no one knows what health/life issues lie around the corner at that age) and it would be weird to pretend otherwise. Obviously some circumstances tilt the odds more one way or the other but as the risks go up bit by bit, year by year so does the balance of the factors in the decision.
Fallible · 27/12/2021 19:43

Personally I do think it is too old. I'm 37 and my youngest has just turned 2 and I am really feeling my age just now.

Double3xposure · 27/12/2021 19:47

*Aging is a reality, there are plenty of ladies who at 46-50 could handle parenting for another 20 years but also some who couldn't (no one knows what health/life issues lie around the corner at that age) and it would be weird to pretend otherwise. Obviously some circumstances tilt the odds more one way or the other but as the risks go up bit by bit, year by year so does the balance of the factors in the decision

There’s a large number of men and women under 40 who can’t handle parenting, as the child abuse, child neglect and child abandonment figures show.

namechangeagain32 · 27/12/2021 20:01

There’s a large number of men and women under 40 who can’t handle parenting, as the child abuse, child neglect and child abandonment figures show.

Yes but that won't be directly related to age (in most cases) that might be financial, emotional, social etc depending on their own upbringing and circumstances, those issues can impact parents of any age. The risk factors most are mentioning here are directly relating to age because that is what the thread is about. When picking the perfect age to have a child very few are going to say 46, just as very few will say 16, age needs to be factored in when family planning, where possible. It's not a personal attack on anyone.

2022newyear · 27/12/2021 20:25

@TopCatsTopHat I disagree.
I don't believe many women 46-50
Would manage to be good parents for another 20yr, For 0-20 of a child's life

The energy required, avoidance health problems, keeping relevant / young, social side (friends with peers / kids social group), earning enough to fund it all plus your pension.

Nope not possible sorry

PoodlesAreMySpiritAnimal · 27/12/2021 22:18

What a lot of negativity on here! I don’t think 46 is too old. Ageing is very different these days. I think there are some people that are old before their time but if you are young at heart and fit/in good health then you could be the physiological equivalent of being in your early 40’s. Some people are so ageist.
At the end of the day, most teenagers will be embarrassed of their parents regardless of their parents’ age!!! If you have the energy to be up in the night and then run around after a toddler, and nature obliges, then it’s your decision. I think it’s more important that a child is in a loving home with people who have love, time and resources to give, than the age of the parents, personally.
At 20, I wouldn’t have had much to offer at that stage of my life. At 40, I had tonnes to offer and I am now looking to have a second child. I’ll be 42 in January. I know that’s younger than you but it’s only a few years difference. It’s knackering but it’s a total labour of love - you find the energy.

5zeds · 27/12/2021 22:27

@2022newyear I don't believe many women 46-50
Would manage to be good parents for another 20yr, For 0-20 of a child's life

The energy required, avoidance health problems, keeping relevant / young, social side (friends with peers / kids social group), earning enough to fund it all plus your pension.

Nope not possible sorry

Grin of course it’s perfectly possible. That’s like saying nobody has the energy/cash/friends to cope with large families, disability, or any of the other non standard 1 or 2 children in a neat heterosexual middle income family. It’s crap, it’s perfectly possible and people have been having children in their 40s forever.

virtuallyanass · 27/12/2021 23:35

I'd give it a try, if you're fit and healthy. I had my DD at 40 and I feel young and would happily have another later on. I do get knackered, but I don't think that's being 40 it's just small kids are exhausting.

AgrippinaT · 27/12/2021 23:50

Jesus Christ the responses on here are blowing my mind.

Of course it's not too old. Go for it! You have to try... you will regret it forever if you don't at least try.

The joy a kid brings is amazing, and I'll be damned if I don't suggest you do it at least once. Age is fuck all; a number. If you're fit and feel up to it... crack on.

Fleetheart · 27/12/2021 23:56

so many people just talking about the baby years!! they are the easy times. the hard times are when you are nearly 60 and you have recalcitrant teens doing GCSEs , starting drinks and drugs, all that stuff being disrespectful etc. for me it is the hardest time, and i look back to toddler year with nostalgia! a baby soon turns into a teen then into an adult, and that is a really painful process!

RoyalFamilyFan · 27/12/2021 23:58

@AgrippinaT I know age is just a number is a popular saying, but it is not true. I haven't said to have a baby or not to. But at 46 getting pregnant and carrying a baby to term is rarer, so you have to be prepared to deal with miscarriage. If you do have a child, the risk of disability is far higher. It also means any chance of early retirement is out of the window.
I also would question how much someone really wants a baby if they leave it so late to try.

MiracleBaby2022 · 28/12/2021 00:05

I'm glad there's finally some positivity on here!!

I fell pregnant 6 months ago when I was 43 and partner 59 (!). We're embracing it 😊. It happened, it was a miracle and our child will be much loved. A few people on here have said it was hard to have older parents, others mentioned the pain of loosing them so young. But children will always find something about their parents that they don't like - and people can drop dead at any age. My partner's father died of cancer at 50. A friend's wife died of cancer in her early 40s, leaving 2 small kids aged 2 and 5 plus her husband behind. One tragically died in a car accident far too young, another was hit by a train. This is life.

hellosunshineagainx · 28/12/2021 00:05

Too old

MiracleBaby2022 · 28/12/2021 00:06

@AgrippinaT 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼

Shmithecat2 · 28/12/2021 00:49

@Fleetheart

so many people just talking about the baby years!! they are the easy times. the hard times are when you are nearly 60 and you have recalcitrant teens doing GCSEs , starting drinks and drugs, all that stuff being disrespectful etc. for me it is the hardest time, and i look back to toddler year with nostalgia! a baby soon turns into a teen then into an adult, and that is a really painful process!
So, what happens when you near 60 that makes handling a teen so much more trying than if you were nearer 40?
RoyalFamilyFan · 28/12/2021 00:55

@Shmithecat2 you have more energy to deal with it all at 40.

Shmithecat2 · 28/12/2021 00:59

[quote RoyalFamilyFan]@Shmithecat2 you have more energy to deal with it all at 40.[/quote]
Do you? How so?

MimiDaisy11 · 28/12/2021 02:25

I think being younger obviously has benefits for the likelihood on being healthy but a few comments mention being retired and having teenagers like that’s a bad thing. Being retired would have benefits as you wouldn’t be exhausted from work. I see a noticeable difference in my parents now they’re retired. Much happier and more active. They along with lots of new retirees wouldn’t want teenagers to parent but some others might.

feistymumma · 28/12/2021 07:45

Go for it, not my first but I've just had my 4th at 45, am turning 46 in March and he will be 8 months old. I am absolutely loving having a newborn again. If I didn't have really bad pelvic issues I would have tried for another one.

oftenbaffled · 28/12/2021 08:32

@feistymumma

2 years ago you posted on a thread re whether to have another baby

* Definitely no for me, had last baby at 33 she is 10 now, eldest is 20. Time for some peace and quiet.*

So you changed your tune!

Yes I advanced search! Tucked up under a blanket with a rotten cold and too much time on my hands feeling rough!

HacerSonarSusPasos · 28/12/2021 08:52

I don't understand why everyone is so fixated on age and entirely disregarding the other factor of this equation. Borderline personality disorder is no joke, is notoriously damaging for the person's close relationships and has a huge potential to disrupt a kid's life.