Month 12, 6 DPO, fed up and loosing hope

HJen22 · 10/06/2021 15:26

@fingerscrossed91 hello 👋🏻 I completely understand how you feel, we have been TTC for over a year now and it's so easy to feel rubbish.

Have you called your GP to get some tests done?

Since I came off the pill so many of my friends have had babies, it's so hard when you're so happy for them but also want it to be you! I tend to take social media breaks just to get away from it constantly.

Unfortunately I have no words of wisdom; I've tried so many things, some work but then nothing stops me having bad days. When I think about all the times I've been sad this last year it makes me feel worse cos I shouldn't be wasting and wishing away days!

I'm currently waiting for an internal scan and HyCosy, which probably won't be until earliest August I've been told; bit of a waiting list where I am (Scotland; Aberdeen fertility clinic) and I waited 2 months for our first clinic referral call too. But the Dr was lovely. Meditation sometimes makes me feel better, reading, or just having a full blown meltdown and cry - which happens every month sooner or later!

I'm glad you're feeling a little better, it really can be so overwhelming. So many emotions and hormones! But fingers crossed for a BFP 🤞🏻 6dpo is still early, I'm at 8, so don't take that negative as it's a definite no this month, there is still time! X

Original poster

fingerscrossed91 · 10/06/2021 16:38

@HJen22 thank you so much lovely, your reply was so nice. I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling too. Hopefully your scan will be able to provide some answers and you will be preggers in no time.

I haven't been to the Drs yet, in honesty I'm kind of in denial about the whole thing, going makes it feel real...

When are you planning to test this cycle? I will keep everything crossed for you xx

OP posts:

pineapplesaturn · 10/06/2021 17:04

That must be soooo hard having all three friends/bridesmaids announce their pregnancy at once. You have done so well to be able to bounce back from that. I know that awkward feeling of being happy for others but so sad for yourself and feeling like it will never happen for you. I'm glad you took a bit of time for some self-care.
I definitely agree with social media breaks and I always would unfollow my pregnant friends, and was actually honest with them about this and said I will still check in with them for exciting updates but it just means I can pick the good days rather than see a stream of things popping up on my bad days (like cycle day 1 🙄).
I agree some tests might be worth arranging just for peace of mind, the waiting lists can be long so best to start the ball rolling sooner rather than later.
I eventually got my happy ending (well almost - baby due next week!) and I really hope you get yours soon. I will have everything crossed for you this month. My test would definitely have been negative at 6DPO so don't lose faith yet x

Original poster

fingerscrossed91 · 10/06/2021 17:16

Thanks so much @pineapplesaturn

Yeah it was pretty tough, def felt like I took 10 steps back this week. Onwards and upwards though I suppose. As you say, I'm genuinely so happy for them just slightly gutted at the same time.

I think I'm going to arrange a doctors appointment when AF inevitably arrives. Gosh I sound like such a Debbie downer

Omg that's so exciting, so you know what you are having yet or will it be a surprise.

I knew the test would be negative at 6DPO I just have a weird addiction to POAS regardless of how many DPO I am. Why do we do this to ourselves haha xx

OP posts:

suzy124 · 10/06/2021 17:43

I feel you @fingerscrossed91

Hasn't been just as long for me (started Oct last year) but it feels like a lifetime. For the first few months I was relatively chilled and also getting to grips with my cycle, but ever since the new year I've been so depressed that it's never gonna happen for me. Like I genuinely believe that for some reason....helpful I know right? I've always been a negative thinker so that probably has something to do with it. Also my OH suffers from DE so I'm having to inseminate with a syringe, which as you can imagine is really fun.

It must be absolute torture having all 3 of your bridesmaids announce their pregnancy all at once. I would have been the same re taking time off work, it's really upsetting when it's happening for others and not yourself. Makes you wonder what you're doing wrong. I actually removed myself from facebook as I was sick of seeing announcements. I know when they're close friends you can't distance yourself in the same way though. But just want to say I understand the hurt and the jealousy and that absolutely gut-wrenching longing of wanting to be a mum. I can't tell you how many times I cry about it in a single month if that makes you feel any better 😂 (or more sane!)

I'm currently 8dpo and tested yesterday even though I knew there was no chance of seeing a line. I'm the same as you, I convince myself straight after ov that it hasn't worked and there's no chance I'm preg, yet still hold out that little bit of hope which seems to get really strong just before AF arrives!

Also I would get yourself down the clinic for some initial tests. I've just started mine, earlier than usual I know but GP knows we have this intercourse hurdle and how it's stressing me out. I was so grateful, if anything it helps with the feeling of utter helplessness and if there is a problem I'd rather know sooner so we can do something about it.

Just know you're not alone. This is one shit and lonesome journey and it's comforting to talk to others going through the same emotions x

Original poster

fingerscrossed91 · 10/06/2021 20:10

@suzy124 , thank you so much for your lovely message. Whilst I'm so sad that there are others in the same position it makes you feel less alone being able to talk about it.

It's so good that your doctor has started testing. I'm sure they will get to the bottom of it in now time.

I don't know why we test so early, every month at the start of a new cycle I say I'm going to wait until after AF arrives but it turns out I have zero willpower!

Are you trying for your first baby?

Hopefully this thread can give us all the support me need xx

OP posts:

suzy124 · 10/06/2021 20:44

Yeah it's great, just had my bloods taken this month and waiting for DP's semen analysis appointment. To be fair though I am half way to being 35 at which point you only need to be trying for 6 months before they start investigating. As the others have said on here there will be a lot of waiting so wanted to get the ball rolling. Pretty sure I'm not gonna be eligible for anything on the nhs due to my age but we shall see 😕

I'm actually a really conservative tester, think I did that one yesterday to prove to myself that I wasn't pregnant and not to get my hopes up (even though it was far too early)

Yep trying for my first. Just feels impossible doesn't it? Like we're missing some piece of the puzzle.

Will you keep testing this month or try and hold off? x

Original poster

fingerscrossed91 · 10/06/2021 20:54

I have taken drastic measures and put all the tests in a box in the garage so I can't test. Let's see how long I last before buying some more from Amazon and testing anyway 🤣

I have the in laws coming over tomorrow for the weekend so that should distract me and think I will test on Monday when I will be 10DPO. I would love to be able to tell OH some good news on Father's Day but that is defo wishful thinking!

Yeah I think you are right. It's so sensible to get the ball rolling. You've inspired me to call the doctors tomorrow, thank you ☺️

OP posts:

suzy124 · 10/06/2021 21:00

Excellent! You've been trying a whole year you're entitled to some answers.

Also if you're a poas addict I'm impressed with your willpower! A distraction this weekend sounds good.

Are you finding your OH has been really supportive? It's put a massive strain on my relationship and we argue all the time about it. Just so much stress

Original poster

fingerscrossed91 · 10/06/2021 21:16

@suzy124 haha well we will see. I think I'll cave by Saturday tbh but I'm going to try my hardest.

I'm sorry to hear it's been putting stress on your relationship. Sadly it's so hard for it not to. My OH has been supportive to an extent but he is much more chilled out about it all and doesn't really get why I get so upset about it all.

He also made me cross when we found out about my third friend as he suggested I wasn't pleased for her which isn't the case at all. Men just don't seem to see things in the same way. I also think it's different as it's not happening to their bodies. In the TWW I notice every twinge and am constantly symptom spotting which I know I shouldn't do but it's so hard not too.

Do you have any coping mechanisms for the TWW? x

OP posts:

suzy124 · 11/06/2021 09:56

@fingerscrossed91 my OH has been so chilled about it too, it's just me that's stressing him out! People keep telling me that guys will never feel the same as we do, which I understand to a degree but find it hard to accept. Like he says he wants it just as much as me but when AF comes for him it's as simple as 'oh well we just keep trying' whereas I'm in tears. He doesn't understand why I'm so upset either

I'm afraid I don't have any coping mechanisms really, just that I was driving myself mad symptom spotting before and I've sort of stopped that now. Don't get me wrong I still notice every twinge, but I stopped googling about it when month after month I realised it didn't mean a damn thing. That sort of helped in a way not to overanalyse.

Tested this morning, surprise surprise bfn. I just long for even a squinter!!

HJen22 · 11/06/2021 10:05

@fingerscrossed91 I don't tend to test much, I did last month at 10dpo because I was going away for the weekend and didn't want AF to come and ruin it! I won't be testing this month, I've only done a few tests in the last year cos I really just want that "next one" to be positive! I had a cycle which was 10 days longer than usual so tested then, it was not a good month!

I agree in getting the ball rolling with the tests as they do take some time, i understand what you mean about not wanting to and hoping it doesn't come to that though. I was like that, and it just feels like a constant wait in the entire TTC journey!

@suzy124 it's a strain on our relationship too. I was quite chilled at the start but since around November / December time it's been bad. I have a meltdown every month; I am extremely sensitive and we fall out a lot. He tries to understand but yeah, I don't think they fully can. I need to be more open when I feel like rubbish and not just expect him to know!

I'm trying acupuncture on Monday for the first time, has anyone done this? Another of the things I've tried as well as reflexology, meditation, hypnotherapy! I like to try new things as I think it makes me feel better.

I'm in the mindset right now of is it ever going to happen, but I'm also scared of tests. If something comes back bad then the thought of ivf terrifies me; I'm not sure I'm emotionally strong enough! But also if there is nothing we'll be told to go away and keep trying!

HJen22 · 11/06/2021 10:13

@suzy124 im sorry for your BFN, but you're not out!! Wait a few days and try again, everything crossed for you!

Who knew it was like this, before we started TTC i just thought you'd do a test and that would be it, i had no idea about days past ovulation, lines getting darker etc! They do not teach you anything about this in school!!

mamaatthegym · 11/06/2021 10:35

This struck so many cords with me I’m not TTC anymore (although I like to lurk on the board) but it took 14 months to conceive DD1 and I remember that 12th month like it was yesterday…hitting the year mark and genuinely believing it would never happen for me. I know it’s easy for me to come on here and say ah I got my happy ending but sometimes you gets months of BFNs and one day…it just happens.

I was in the middle of preliminary tests when I finally got my BFP and OH was about to have his SA done so it really can happen when you least expect it. Thinking of you and so sorry about the bridesmaids situation - you are doing incredibly well and being so strong even though it might feel like you’re not xxx

Original poster

fingerscrossed91 · 11/06/2021 11:45

@mamaatthegym ah that you so much for your lovely message. It's so reassuring to hear people that have come out of the other side of the TTC drama.

For the most part I am trying to stay positive but sometimes you just have had days I suppose.

xx

OP posts:

Original poster

fingerscrossed91 · 11/06/2021 11:47

@HJen22 omg I envy your willpower. You need to teach me. I genuinely think I have an addiction to peeing on £5 🙈 xx

OP posts:

Original poster

fingerscrossed91 · 11/06/2021 11:48

@suzy124, I'm so sorry to hear about the BFN. How many DPO are you, you may just be too early.

Somehow I managed to avoid testing this morning. I ran to the loo before I was fully awake and could think about it haha

OP posts:

suzy124 · 11/06/2021 12:06

@HJen22 omg I'm super sensitive too! We fall out almost on a daily basis now, I'm having meltdowns all the time. I know it can't be nice to live with, but still, I need support. He just doesn't wanna talk about it at all anymore but for me it's all I can think about.

Never tried acupuncture but heard good things. Let us know how it goes. I would love to try it but I just can't justify the cost atm as I'm also having therapy. Are you seeing one that specialises in fertility?

To be honest I am itching to try IVF or even IUI. At least then I would know there was an embryo or sperm definitely in the uterus. As it is I feel like his sperm aren't even making their way through my cervix. Are you having your investigations done with NHS? Have you had basic bloods and SA yet?

@fingerscrossed91 I'm 9dpo, still too early I know. I tested expecting not to see anything but was still trying so hard to see a line. Don't know if i'll test anymore this month, probably just wait for AF and face the devastation as usual

Well done for not testing this morning. You've got this

HJen22 · 11/06/2021 13:41

@suzy124 I am the exact same and spend probably around 2-3 weeks miserable, the week before AF and then the week of AF, then its all positive mental attitude, then dread and doubt the lead up to AF! Such a horrible cycle and a bit stuck in a rut, i really wish i could just not think about it! Yeah i know, we need the support, sometimes its easier to talk to women than our own partners!!

I will let you know how it goes! Its just a local clinic and i haven't said what for when i booked but i'm hoping that they will be able to offer me something specific! I did wonder about doing it, i feel like i have spent a lot of money too!

Yeah i had my 2 day bloods done in March, my partner had his SA done and all came back fine. Well i was told that until the Dr on our fertility call said my FSH level was slightly high, which panicked me! She didn't seem overly worried, but that didn't stop me googling! His results came back good, he got a "well done" from the Dr (eye roll). I haven't had the 21day bloods, the Dr seemed to think i was ovulating as my cycle is regular, although it is on the short side, around 25/26 days and my periods seem to have gotten lighter, last months it was only really a day long! I hope you get your results back soon! And your partners SA booked in.

Yeah i have no idea whats going on, some months i do opks, some months BBT, some months both, last month none. I am a bit like whats the point when we are DTD when it says to, its confirming ovulation yet not happening! We DTD 5 days in a row in FW last month so i was really hopeful. The fact it didnt work has made me even less confident. But just need to keep trying! And hope it happens before the joys of internal scans and HyCosy!!

HJen22 · 11/06/2021 13:47

@fingerscrossed91 well done for not testing! I amen't really sure how i've managed to not test all the time, I think a few negatives early on has just made me dread seeing BFN every month. I hope you are feeling better today and that will be nice to see the in laws this weekend! I sometimes think through the week is the hardest, lots of time to think (and im still WFH so no one to chat to really other than my OH) weekends are nice and busy! Hopefully the sun will stay out! And a garden wine xx

suzy124 · 11/06/2021 20:57

@HJen22 yeah it's horrible having your life revolve around a cycle now, before I never gave it any thought and felt like I was always on my period. Now the waiting is agony. The one time of the month I am sort of ok is around ovulation. After that and during period I'm a mess as just feel so helpless

Glad to hear your bloods and the SA came back all ok. Interesting they didn't do day 21, I did both this month although have pretty regular cycles. Laughing at the eye roll comment, I would have cringed! Can I ask how long did it take to get the SA appointment? We've been waiting almost a month now.

HJen22 · 12/06/2021 07:57

@suzy124 it's so hard isn't it! I didn't even have a period as I was on the mini pill so I think the hormones are effecting me even more so! Yeah ovulation is a time of such hope isn't it! How many dpo are you now? I'm about 10 I think but didn't confirm ovulation with anything this month.

For the SA, I called in February and the GP spoke to us both for the first initial call, he then had the appointment 17th March and got the results 22nd April. They were back in 3 weeks to the GP but he then had to wait 2 weeks for a telephone appointment to discuss them!

I know I had hoped for day21 bloods, I maybe should have asked! I wrote down so many questions too, which she answered before I asked, and it was a bit overwhelming with all the questions, especially for me! I also didn't want to make it any more obvious I had been Googling haha she knew I had been 😂 are your partners SA being done at the local GP or fertility clinic?

SBeeches · 12/06/2021 09:53

@fingerscrossed91

Hi all,

I apologise in advance if this post is negative but I'm so so fed up with TTC. We have been trying for 12 months and haven't even had a hint of a line. My three best girlfriends (and soon to be bridesmaids) have all announced they are preggers this past month. Whilst I'm genuinely ecstatic for them I'm hurting so much as I don't believe it will ever happen for me.

I had to take a few days off work at the start of the week when the third told me they were preggers as I was just so overwhelmed and upset. A few days eating rubbish and watching Netflix made me feel a bit better but I have just lost hope that I will ever see a second pink line let alone have a baby.

I'm currently 6DPO and even though I know I won't be pregnant I'm still working myself up about it. I (stupidly) did a test today which was obv a BFN but it's like I can't help myself. It like a weird form of self torture!

I'd be so keen to talk to any hopeful mummas in a similar boat - let's keep everyone sain!

xxx

I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling sad a disappointed fingerscrossed91, I know that gut renching and complicated feeling when your hear yet another pregnancy announcement. This is our 11 month of trying following a miscarriage last year. Throughout that time I have had periods of feeling very low and times where I've taken things further and self sabotaged by drinking one too many wines or beers.

I have felt so much better and in control of my feelings over the last couple of months and that's because I started the ball rolling with fertility checks (due to have hycosy in July) and I read an amazing book that really moved me called "Wherever you go, there you are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn. It's not wishy washy, very easy to read and it really helped me accept my situation and feel my emotions without judging myself and others. Maybe it might help you too. That is not to say you won't experience times you feel sad, that is a valid feeling given what we've been through, I still feel that especially on day one, but I've just learnt not to run away with that feeling, not wish my life away right now and that's really changed my life.

suzy124 · 14/06/2021 15:37

Thanks @HJen22 good to know. I'm trying to get OH to chase up but that's not so easy. He doesn't even remember what the doctor said to him about where it would be or wait times 🤦‍♀️ I'm assuming it will be done at our local hospital? I didn't think that kind of thing was done at the GP as surely it still has to go elsewhere for lab analysis?

I know doctors hate it when we google right but I think it's important to take charge sometimes! Think I will try to get phone app with mine later in the week to discuss bloods and if we can get help. I'm currently 12dpo, so I think we are cycle buddies! I'm out this month though as have been temping and it dropped yesterday to below coverline and stayed low this morning. Pretty early though as AF due on Thurs. Already starting to cramp! When are you due on?

Hope you ladies were able to have a nice weekend in the sunshine x

HJen22 · 14/06/2021 16:05

@suzy124 yeah I was confused as our GP had my OH pick up the test pot but then the leaflet that came with it said about an appointment. So yeah it was with our local fertility clinic as it had to be with them within 30mins, he called and made an appointment to use one of their rooms. If you're local though you could just make an appointment to drop off. Was a bit back to front cos then the GP had to call with the results rather than the clinic. And we're now being seen by the clinic and out of the GPs hands 🤷🏻‍♀️ I'm sure you could call and ask just to query if he doesn't what to? I know what it's like trying to get men to do things 😂 on my GP call I just shoved him on to speak to her too!

I'm also 12dpo and due Thursday! That's with a 25 day cycle which is pretty standard for me! How long are yours normally? I was meant to have acupuncture today but it's been rescheduled to next Monday; I was looking forward to it too. Did a little fertility yoga on YouTube instead. It was a lovely weekend here, hope yours was good too!

@fingerscrossed91 how are you? I hope you had a nice weekend with the in-laws x

@SBeeches that's interesting, I'll need to take a look. I like meditation; I think if I do it first thing before getting out of bed I'm in a more positive mood. I'm doing a relationship with self series on Calm app just now and I like it!