Month 12, 6 DPO, fed up and loosing hope

[fingerscrossed91]

Hi all,

I apologise in advance if this post is negative but I'm so so fed up with TTC. We have been trying for 12 months and haven't even had a hint of a line. My three best girlfriends (and soon to be bridesmaids) have all announced they are preggers this past month. Whilst I'm genuinely ecstatic for them I'm hurting so much as I don't believe it will ever happen for me.

I had to take a few days off work at the start of the week when the third told me they were preggers as I was just so overwhelmed and upset. A few days eating rubbish and watching Netflix made me feel a bit better but I have just lost hope that I will ever see a second pink line let alone have a baby.

I'm currently 6DPO and even though I know I won't be pregnant I'm still working myself up about it. I (stupidly) did a test today which was obv a BFN but it's like I can't help myself. It like a weird form of self torture!

I'd be so keen to talk to any hopeful mummas in a similar boat - let's keep everyone sain!

xxx

@HJen22 hey lovely, I'm ok thanks. Had a really lovely weekend with my family which was the best way to take my mind off things.

I tested this morning at 10PO and it was a BFN so I'm assuming I'm out for this month. Gosh TTC is so hard!

I tried acupuncture and really rate it. It obviously hasn't got me pregnant but I find it super relaxing and I like the feeling of "feeling" like you are doing something extra to help your chances.

How are things with you? Have you tested if you are 12PO or are you holding out?

@fingerscrossed91 I'm glad to hear it 🥰 spending time with family and friends helps doesn't it. I said to my mum recently it's been harder because of Covid and having nothing else to do or think about.

Aw I'm sorry, but still not out until AF arrives, when is it due?

Things are ok with me thank you, I was a bit down in the dumps Saturday but I've done my meditation app the last two mornings first thing and think that's helped me stay a bit more positive. Don't think this is the month for me either though! Haven't tested, I'll just wait for AF.

Ah did you, did you have a few sessions? Yeah I like to feel like I'm doing something to de-stress, I've felt really anxious recently so I'm hoping it helps! Something to look forward to next week! Xx

@HJen22 thing is he's actually registered at a different GP surgery than me, so my hands are tied atm. I wanted him to move to my GP for obvious reasons and he's enquiring tomorrow so fingers crossed he actually will! Oh men are the worst aren't they when it comes to getting things done, I honestly don't know how we put up with it 😂

My cycles are between 27-30 days as my ovulation day tends to vary slightly. Last two cycles were 30 days and expecting this one to be also. A 25 day cycle sounds amazing, less time to wait before trying again!😄

Sorry to hear your acupuncture was put off a week but it will be here before you know it. I was also doing fertility yoga on youtube up until recently because I actually thought it was making me more anxious! - like just another thing I was doing and it wasn't working. I might pick it up again at some point though.

Yeah the weekend was gorgeous wasn't it? I spent all day yesterday in Kew gardens which was lush. Did you get up to anything nice?

@fingerscrossed91 glad you had a nice distracting weekend with family but sorry to hear about the bfn. As Jen says you're not out yet though, implantation can happen as late as 12dpo! When are you due on?

Keeping my fingers crossed for you both. Since I'm out I'm sat having a G&T, my first drink since Christmas!! Felt sort of OK this morning but gradually got more anxious and annoyed throughout the day after seeing my temp this morning. Just don't know what it takes to make a baby 😐 x

@suzy124 ah I see! Hopefully he can change to the same one as you! Or even just call the local fertility clinic and advise the GP had said to make an appointment. The GP only gave us the pot and the form and the form had the telephone number on, which OH then called and that's how his SA was arranged.

Yeah it's good in that ovulation comes round quick as it tends to be around day 10/11/12 but I worry it's on the short side. When I first came off the pill the first two cycles were 30 days but haven't been since! I think next month I'll use my clear blue OPKs again as I have left over, see if I can be bothered with temp! Sometimes i wake up at different times so not sure how accurate my readings are!

I know what you mean, I've done yoga before in the past and then didn't keep it up, it was just a short 20minute one I did yesterday. I did one last week that was on the clinics Facebook, it was a 6 week programme on zoom but I only noticed and just this week left I think! But was good to do and I'll keep a lookout for anything else coming up!

It was so nice, we were out for lunch the Saturday and Sunday I met a friend and her kids. I'm up in Scotland so it was roasting for us being so north haha!

I hope you had a nice relaxing G&T. I know what you mean, I'm doing all I can to chill but I know AF is just around the corner! Xx

I think my story might give others hope...

I had a baby 3 years ago so didn’t think there was anything wrong fertility wise, but I’ve now been TTC number 2 since September with no luck. I thought something must have gone wrong in the time since baby 1 but had bloods and scans yesterday and there’s absolutely nothing wrong.

It just sometimes takes ages, and just because you’re not pregnant after 12 months doesn’t mean you never will be.

Do go to the DR. There might be something,
Might be nothing. Some people get clomid after years of TTC and conceive in month 1 of taking it.

Good luck!

@HJen22 he doesn't remember much about the appointment but definitely didn't get told to arrange it ourselves. Our nearest hospital has a fertility dept so I'm assuming we're waiting for a letter from them. Hopefully after his phone calls today we'll have some idea! I'm so desperate for it to happen so we can move on to the next stage but also really worried about what the results might be..

Did your GP say anything about your cycle length? I think as long as the LP isn't too short you're good. Yeah temping isn't easy, I've been waking up so early some days and just do it then rather than my usual time. I'm sure it's not accurate but still shows the general trend. I'm a bit worried that my temps have come way down so early this cycle, 4 days before AF. Or maybe she'll surprise me before Thursday

Glad you had a nice weekend. I'm originally from N.Ireland so I can relate with the crappy weather 😂 Now Hampshire based but sometimes it's too hot for me here! X

@suzy124 Hopefully when he calls they can advise him what's going on! I know, everything is just such a wait! My OH was anxious about his results, he has a daughter (albeit she is 12 so was a long time ago!) so i was sure they'd be fine! It was a bit bitter sweet, happy for him all good but then even more worried its me that has an issue!

Nope, neither the GP or Dr seemed too concerned about it, although the Dr did question about whether I thought they were getting shorter, and some months they are, and also my period last month was only really a day long, which is unusual. I think the Dr was careful not to cause me any worry, but I do that anyway!!

Yeah when i was doing temping I was waking up and just doing it, then realising it was super early! But I know you've got to have had a certain amount of sleep before it so I couldn't go back to sleep then do it! What a stress haha! I think i like the "confirmation" of ovulation with the OPKs and BBT and my app, but its not gotten me anywhere so far, so i like to take a break and just do none some months. Do you do both every month?

Ooh lovely, bet its roasting down there! xx

@HJen22 Well since I wrote that last message the witch has arrived for me, 2 days early. Guessing I might have to repeat the progesterone blood test now. Onto another cycle..

I'm sure everything will be fine with you. But it's definitely better to know just in case so that something can be done if needs be. I know it's impossible not to worry though. I convinced myself at the start of the year with endless googling that I have endo, I'm on the waiting list for a laproscopy although now I don't think it's likely I do have it 🤷‍♀️ but going ahead with it anyway as they also said they would check that my tubes were open. I'd had an internal scan in Jan and nothing unusual was picked up. Your next step is a hycosy?

I love confirming ovulation too. Some months I do opks and then bbt all cycle long. Others I've been doing opks but just bbt for the FW so I know when to stop. But since AF is early I'm wondering if I got it wrong this month. It's not possible to ovulate before a positive opk is it? Otherwise my luteal phase is varying slightly - another thing to worry about haha! I actually think this month I'm gonna ditch both and just do it every other day from day 10 to 18 or something.

Yup, 22degrees atm and getting hotter x

@suzy124 I'm so sorry AF has arrived :( i really hope that you are ok, take time to yourself and do whatever you can to feel better, sending lots of hugs. I tend to think I'm when AF arrives, then it hits me a few days later. That probably confuses my OH too! I don't think I'm far behind you with mine arriving!

Thats good that they are checking though and that can be a worry off of your mind! Yeah I am waiting for my appointment for internal scan and HyCosy which are on the same day/time. They only do HyCosy apps once a week so it will be August, or later than I am there. I called to ask and they asked when AF was due that month, so hopefully now I have given them rough dates they will fit in the app and it won't be at a time my cycle doesn't allow, as that would then cause a delay! Do you know when you should get your laproscopy?

Yeah I get too hung up on temp drops and things if I continue after ovulation! I think a luteal phase anything over 12 days is normal, I had 11 days once on my app and it said it was too short. Mine has varied in the past too, I know, there is always something isnt there! Yeah I may either do OPKs or just none again, and do every 2nd day as well.

Wow that is hot! It's only 13 here haha! Are you WFH at the moment? I am, but my work have said about a phased return August. In one way I want to go back but in another, id like some flexibility! I keep trying to think "it might not be for long" if i get my BFP! xx

@suzy124 so sorry to hear AF has arrived, as other posters have said make sure you take out for yourself and look after yourself.

I tested again today on a FR at 11DPO and it was a BFN so I'm officially counting myself out now. I'm currently sat in the garden sunbathing to make myself feel happy. I also called the doctors today and have day 3 and day 21 bloods arranged for next cycle so I suppose that's some progress.

How is everyone else doing today? xx

@fingerscrossed91 I'm sorry it was a BFN 😔 I'm sure I'm out this month too, it's just a matter of time.

I'm glad you are taking some time for you and enjoying the sun in the garden, the sun always cheers me up a little ☀️ that's great you've got bloods organised, how was the Dr? I hope nice and helpful!

I'm doing ok, just awaiting AF really and trying not to think about it! How are you feeling? X

Thank you both. Definitely in self-pity mode right now and already an argument with OH 🤦‍♀️ just wish he would be more supportive at times like this, but I just get told that there's no point in being sad

@HJen22 when in your cycle is it safe to have the hycosy? I'm guessing just not on your period and that they might suggest no bd that month? No word on my laparoscopy yet, got a letter last week to say I was on the list. I know I'll be very nervous when the time comes

Re luteal phase 11days is fine according to premom, just anything under that is considered short. Looking at my charts it's been between 11 and 16 😕 but more often around the 14day mark. Eeeeeep maybe something I need to mention to doctor

@fingerscrossed91 sorry it was a bfn today. It's so heartbreaking staring at the tests wishing for a line to appear and wondering when our time will be. I'm glad you were able to get out in the sun though to boost your mood. Also well done for arranging things with the gp, I found when I took those first steps it helped a little with the feeling of utter helplessness. Are they going to arrange a SA also or wait until your bloods come back first?

@suzy124 Its so hard not to fell so gutted when AF comes, mixed with the hormones that it brings, its not a nice time! I'm so sorry to hear you had an argument with your OH, I hope you are friends today. As hard as they try, I don't think they can fully understand, as its not their bodies.

I got a video to watch, so the HyCosy has to be after your period. They do a pregnancy test beforehand, and you aren't to have sex before. It doesn't say about after, so hopefully thats ok to not have to miss a whole month! That's good you've had a letter though and know you are on the list! Any update about your OH's SA?

Ah 14 days is bang on then, i think it varying, the same as cycle length is ok, but not harm in mentioning to the Dr for some peace of mind.

@fingerscrossed91 how are you today? xx

@suzy124 morning lovely. I think they are going to do a SA an analysis it with my OH being a typical bloke he isn't registered at our local GP yet so I spent all afternoon sorting that out for him. Why are they so useless sometimes 🤣🙈

I'm toying with the idea of going private in honesty. I'm going to get the ball rolling with the NHS but once the world returns to normal I will struggle to make ar hoc appointments due to my job so think the certainty/flexibility of private might be better. Although my bank balance disagrees 🤣

How are you today? Are you feeling positive about your next cycle.

Even if your not, I'm feeling positive for you ☺️ xxx

@HJen22 Morning lovely, I'm ok although I woke up with the most painful boobs and AF style cramps so I am sure she is on her way. I don't ever remember waking up like this though. Before I'd opened my eyes I had asked my OH to grab me some paracetamol.

Yesterday my bridesmaids organised a dinner for me next week as I think they know I'm pretty down which is super cute. Although I somehow have a feeling the main topic will be their pregnancies...

Can we keep this group going, it's really helped me to talk to others in the same situation xx

@fingerscrossed91 Morning! Oh ouch, thats not good! How the paracetamol kicks in soon! I don't really get any obvious PMS symptoms before AF like sore boobs or cramp, but for some weird reason I do get sore knees (which sometimes fits in with time of the month) and they have started to hurt, so I expect AF on the way for me too, due tomorrow!

Aw thats very nice of them, and I think they will be sensitive to your feelings, do they know you are TTC? My friend has suggested we do a yoga class together, she knows how hard I am finding it too. My other friend has 3 babies (a 2 year old and twins!) so I find it harder to talk to her (and I hadn't actually told them, she read my mail - that's a whole other story!!) but my Mum and Sister are also super supportive. I actually took time out of work a few weeks ago and turned up at my Mum's and burst into tears, so now I think they are worried about me, oops!!

Of course, i would love to keep the chat going, I definitely think it helps to talk to others in the same position! Friends and family want to help but i dont think they can fully understand. It makes me feel less crazy knowing others feel the same xxx

Hi ladies, hoping the wicked witch is staying away for you both!

Not much to report yet. I'm still feeling pretty crampy today but it's an unusually light period for me, makes me think there was no lining there at all last month! OH enquired about switching to my GP surgery but still hasn't filled out the forms. Still no word on his SA referral either. I made an appointment to speak to my GP about the results of my bloods and found out she is just about to go on maternity leave. I'm absolutely gutted as she is so helpful and nice. Anyway, me and OH are sort of friends again. We both had yesterday off so took a picnic to the beach and lay in the sunshine. Wasn't much talking mind you 😂

@fingerscrossed91 aw thank you! Can't say I'm feeling positive just yet about this cycle but maybe in a few days I'll be a bit better.

Sorry to hear your symptoms were so bad, are you feeling better now? Oh tell me about it with getting men to do things, it drives me up the wall! But when it comes to washing the car do you think there's any delay... 😂 Hope you got him registered in the end, if you did you're doing better than I am! I'm also curious to know if your bridesmaids know you're ttc?

It really helps me to talk to others in the same boat too, no one can really know what it's like unless you're also going through it x

@HJen22 yeah even though you know AF is on her way, there's always some tiny bit of hope left until she actually shows and then it's like total disbelief that it hasn't worked again. I'm glad things are moving forward with the hycosy and hopefully you get an appointment date soon. Was the video helpful or reassuring? Does it cause any symptoms after?

Sounds like you have a good support network around. The only person I have told irl is my sister who is supportive for the most part, but the other day her response to my rant about being fed up was 'I don't know what to say'. So I think she's given up trying to reassure me! x

@suzy124 hey lovely, AF is yet to arrive but it definitely feels like she's round the corner. I was due on today. It's strange though as I've been cramping for the past few days. I just feel like my body is fking with me in honesty.

What is it with men being crap at life admin? My OH gets me to fill out 90% of his paperwork as at 38 he seemingly has learnt how to yet lol 😂

Gutted about your GP but hopefully her replacement will be equally lovely. I'm pleased to hear you and your OH haven't fallen out recently. Your picnic sounds lush, sometimes you need something like that to reset.

The cramps are so much better now but still there. I was 100% sure I was going to come on the other day as the cramps were so bad but who knows what's happening.

I have registered him but haven't heard from the surgery yet but at least we've done what we can for now.

One of my bridesmaids knows, she's my maid of honour and basically like a sister to me. The others I haven't spoken to though. I have barely told anyone we are trying as I just think it adds more pressure. I suppose it would be easier though in the sense that every other person wouldn't ask us when we are having a baby 🙄

Where are you based? You mentioned being close to the sea. xxx

Hi ladies 🥰 No sign of AF yet but it was a day later that expected last month too so I'm expecting it to come tomorrow!

I hope the cramps for both of you stop soon! I have had a bit of a headache the last two days, not sure if that's just cos work is manic though! Also eating everything and anything in sight 😂

Yeah it was quite a good wee video just explaining! Was short and simple but good to know! I think they just say you can take painkillers beforehand, not sure about afterwards and what to expect. I've had quite a few smears and a colposcopy recently so I'm hoping it won't be too bad!

Men and their inability to do life admin 🙈 hopefully your OHs get their SA organised soon!

I had a super light period last month too, it was basically one day long which worried me too! I'm sure it's nothing though, cycles can vary, but it's just another thing to overthink isn't it!

I hadn't really wanted as many people to know, I told one friend, then my sister to get her off my back 😂 I then only told my mum when I was calling the GP. My two other friends found out as they came round for kit bday and one of them seen my referral letter. I hadn't wanted to tell them and I am actually annoyed at myself for being so ok about it, I was more shocked and didn't know what to say when she was like; I seen your letter! I know what you mean, people don't know what to say. They try but nothing helps.

Almost the weekend, have you ladies got any nice plans? I'm going to really really try and stay positive next cycle. I've been doing some fertility yoga and it talks about acceptance and knowing it will happen when the time is right. I know what I'm like though, meltdowns come thick and fast but I'd like to try and cope better this month, so much easier said than done though isn't it! Xx

@suzy124 and that's a shame about your GP. Hopefully when she is off you have just as lovely another. And a day off and picnic sounds lovely, I hope you had a great time and glad to hear you and OH are friends again x

Ugh my app is saying AF a day late and I'd be 16dpo, AF still not appeared. I didn't track ovulation this month so can't be surey. Now beginning to think maybe my Covid vaccine is causing the delay, after reading some other peoples stories. I had it the day after AF began. Regret not tracking now as just did a test and BFN. Knew it would be; just thought best to check if I can have a drink tonight or not. Sadly not this month either and I'd have loved it so close to Father's Day too 😔

@HJen22 oh mate, I'm so sorry for the BFN. I feel you. AF arrived today for me which sucks (even though I knew I defo wasn't pregnant after doing a million tests). I'm the same as you, I create these perfect little scenarios in my head about how/when I'm going to tell my OH the good news and think ill be able to tell him on Father's Day or his birthday. I don't know why I do it to myself.

On the positive side of things, my bloods are booked and OH is finally registered at the GP so next week we can sort his SA.

I'm going to do everything possible to stay positive this month. I've got lots of lovely things happening so am going to focus on those.

What program do you use for your yoga? Or is it an in person session? xx

@fingerscrossed91 oh I'm sorry AF arrived for you today 😔 how are you feeling? I was fully expecting to wake up this morning to it, will probably be tomorrow now I've tested! I'm the same, I kept telling myself I wasn't and it wouldn't change anything if I did a test today or waited til AF, outcome would still be the same. Didn't stop my heart absolutely pounding waiting those 3 mins! Hate seeing the stark white. I found an OPK in a bag and did it this morning and it came back high which gave me some hope as I've read it can detect pregnancy, but it was a bad idea cos then I also read you can get a LH surge before period.

That's great you're moving forward with getting your tests done. It's a horrible feeling it coming to it but it's def best to start the ball rolling.

Same, I didn't cry when it came back negative. It's normally a few days in I get emotional but I'm going to try my very best to stay positive and keep trying this month. It just wasn't meant to be this month for us; but our time will come 🥰

What all do you have planned, and when is your wedding? That's something amazing to look forward to!

I first did one that was through the clinic on zoom, but then I just YouTubed. I've done a few of a lady called Bettina Rae and I really like her; she's got loads of free ones like morning routines, and at different stages etc.

Xx

@HJen22 I'm actually feeling ok at the moment, I feel I kind of did the upset thing a few days ago. My parents have come down to stay this weekend too which has given me something positive to look forward to.

It's so frustrating that all the symptoms are basically the same whether you are pregnant or not. It makes it so difficult to second guess what's going to happen.

My wedding has actually been a bit of a nightmare. It was supposed to be in summer 2022 but we have pushed it back to 2023 as my brother (who is actually my twin) was supposed to get married last summer but it got pushed back due to COVID to earlier this year and has been pushed back again now until next year. I want him to have his moment so my partner and I decided to push ours back a year too so next year can be super special for him as his partner as they've been so unlucky. I think my parents are also grateful as they were secretly worried about having to help fund two weddings in a year 🤣 the plan has therefore been to push a baby out ahead of our wedding (fingers crossed) and then try for the second after the wedding.

It's my best friends wedding on the 30th which I'm super excited about and we are going away (UK only) with some friends on the weekend of the 3rd. The weekend of the 10th Im going on a spa break with one my girlfriends and the following weekend we are hosting my nieces 7th birthday 🥰 so hopefully I will be too busy to stress too much about TTC (famous last words).

Do you have things planned to keep you busy?

I'm going to give fertility yoga a go. I've just booked in a reflexology session for a couple of weeks time too. I'm willing to try anything now 🤣

Are you going to be having a drink this weekend? I think I'm going to raise a glass to the start of a new cycle. This one WILL be our month ☺️ xxx

@fingerscrossed91 ah I'm glad to hear it. You are making me feel positive. I tend to be ok for a few days then it hits me but I'm going to try really hard to avoid a meltdown this month! That will be nice to have your parents down! How's the weather? It's sunny here today although weekend isn't looking great!

I know it's so annoying. I had heartburn this month which I never get and had secretly hoped that was a sign; but nope!

Oh I can imagine wedding planning with Covid has been a total nightmare! What a shame both yours and your brothers have been pushed back, but you'll be able to enjoy your brothers then have yours to look forward to instead of having the two close together! I love weddings, so much fun! And it will be great when they are back to normal with music and things! I feel so bad for all those people who have had to change or postpone weddings. My friend was due to get married and they wanted small anyway so hummed and hayed about going ahead but way smaller but decided to have it next year instead.

That's lots of lovely plans 🥰 and will keep you busy! I had hoped with us able to do more my mind would be less on it too! Tomorrow my family are coming to ours for lunch, I have two nephews who are 1 and 3 that I adore so that will be fun! We're having a family holiday (Scotland lodge) in July too so that will be good. I've got a 6 month bday garden party next weekend haha my friend had her baby Xmas Eve so she's doing a wee summer party! Some people I think still haven't met him, we live close so I've met him lots 💙

I did a few reflexology sessions, for some reason I didn't feel like I could fully relax but it was nice. I'm looking forward to acupuncture on Monday too!

Yeah it's Friday and sunny so why not. I massively cut down; pretty much stopped when we started TTC but as time went on; I've realised ive still got to have a life. It's no where near as much as I did when younger anyway! And we've got a puppy so I'm never up late as she still needs up in the morning no matter what day it is 😂 🐶 def, onto the next cycle, positive thinking and let this be the month for us all 🥰 xxx