thank you jeddah, and mousey70. you are right. life goes on, though it will never be the same. i guess you got 2 choices in life, give up, and fade away and die, or get up, get yourself dressed, and somehow, move yourself on! i thought for sure, if this ever happened, the first would surely come true, i thought i'd rather be dead then live without him, so much i could never even think about the possibility. i'd snap at anyone who tried to get me to "face the facts", but somehow, when it happened, i don't know, God really had to have had his hand on my shoulder, cause somehow i had a rush of peace move through me. and for one time in 9 1/2 years, i knew my son wasn't suffering. how selfish was i to want him to keep going on, if his life was full of pain? i feel guilty for it now, but no mother wants to let go of their child, it's unfathomable! it's just not in us. i'll tell you what the irony is, if i had never had him, i would never have broken free from his father. i didn't think enough of just myself, to be able to go on my own, i was too young and fragile. he made me that way. twisted my mind in a million different ways since 14 years old, just a baby myself. so in an essense, my son indeed saved my life. i know i'd be dead for sure if he hadn't come into this world. want to know exactly how i know this? not only did that monster emotionally hurt me, lie, steal cheat, hit, (all the good stuff), throw me down stairs, try to stab me, chase me down with his car, you know all the stuff "guys in love" will do, yeah right, something else happened. after i had broken free, rescuing my son from him, and after the several times he had hunted me down (can't even tell you how many moves i made, and it was so hard with the baby in the hospital so much of the time), he ended up meeting someone else. (with my same name mind you. isn't that quaint?) he ended up also abusing her, and she tried to get a restraining order against him (something i was never brave enough to do). one day, front page news....he went to where she worked in the middle of the day, he blew her head off, and then killed himself. nice, normal guy! and that was all i knew, before my wonderful hubby! so in irony, my son lead me away from my almost ruined life, saved it, and helped me find true love in essence. wow what a precious gift he was...he is!! i hope my future children bare his lovely spirit. even half of his spirit, would be more then any mom could ever hope for!! good nite ladies, and thanks for listening!! baby dust to you all!
ps- i could go for a pint myself. iam in new york, is a pint what people from england call a beer? if so, it would be very nice this evening, lol everyone enjoy theirs', see you tomorrow!!