Got a BFP, not sure how I feel and DH isnt going to be happy

[hogwarts]

I've also posted on the pregnancy board.

My period was late and yesterday I did a Pg test and got a BFP. DH and I have discussed another child, we have 2 already 5 & 8 and he was very much against it although I was very keen. We agreed that we wouldnt have another child and concentrate on our relationship. Circumstances at the min are not great financially although we had DS when I was 21 so not great timing then either! I havent told him that I have done the test but did tell him yday that it was very late - he has said constantly I hope you aren't pregnant. A bit of background is that DH had an affair 3 years ago and we seperated for 9 months. We are now very much together and have a stronger relationship, I'm just so scared that he will take this news badly and leave as he has been texting me all morning to tell me to get a test and do it and that he is worried sick that it is going to be BFP. I asked him this morning if he loved me which he answered yes, I asked him if he would still love me if I was pg and he said yes but he really did not want another child. I know this may seem insensitive of me when there are so many people trying very hard to conceive, its just such a very very big shock to me. Part of me is so pleased but the rest is shocked/scared/worried about DH reaction. I had my mirena coil out earlier this year, been on Cilest pill since. I am due to be bridesmaid at my brother and SIL wedding next March, by my reckoning I will be around 7 months pg by then - I'm due to go for the first fitting on Thursday - do I tell them or not, I dont want them to pay any money when I know I wont be able to do it but then again as I am only 4/5 weeks I dont want it made public....

What a pickle I'm in .... Please help

you need to be honest with him and tell him now. FWIW friends of ours have 3 and dh could barely speak when they were preg with first then still wasnt happy with the 2nd and now is annoyingly superdad now they have 3

good luck

her dh not mine obv

If he honestly didn't want anymore children then he should have had the snip. I don't get these men who say 'I love you, but not my children with you if it's not at a good time.' Part and parcel, IMO.

Or not have sex perhaps
He will be shocked but sometimes this happens when you have sex.
He will get over it
Congrats by the way.
This happened to me, didn't know how to tell DH, didn't, then had early mc and had to tell him anyway as felt so sad.
he was excited and shocked and stared making plans when i told him and then sad when we had mc.
all the best

"what a pickle im in"
you need to share this with your dh and not go it alone
i get so angry about this - its his 'fault' too!

you need to tell your bro - will he keep your secret? and there is no reason why you cant be a pg bridesmaid

Hello, I'm so sorry your in such a sticky situation. If I were you tell DH, he already knows your late and you don't want to get to the point where you lying to him do you?

Theres nothing wrong with taking a couple of days to sort our your feelings about this though. Let the news set in and think about how you feel and what you want, then tell DH and give him some time and space to go through the same thought process and see what happens.

Two of you were involved in making this baby so both two of you should be involved in where you go from here, but then theres nothing wrong with being prepared for whatever he may feel before you tell him.

I would tell your brother or you future SIL that you've just found out your PG so they are aware I'm sure if you explain the situation then they won't go shouting it from the rooftops.

It will work out okay I'm sure.

Congratulations by the way.

Thanks for the advice. I'm just scared. I'm so out of touch with everything, cant remember anything about being pregnant before, when do I need to see Dr? I've had a really bad pain in my side for past 3-4 weeks, went to Dr and she advised likely to be an ovarian cyst due to location. Do you think that this would all tie in with falling pregnant? I had originally thought it was a sign of ovulation and AF would be imminent. Should I be worried about this pain?

I wouldn't say to worry as in panic but I'd make an appointment to see the GP for within a week, it could just be ligaments stretching ect, it could be a cyct or unfortunatley it could be an eptopic pregnancy. I'd say it would be best to make an appointment to see your GP they'll be able to put your mind at rest. If the pain gets worse or you get any bleeding or if you get a pain in the tip of your shoulder you need to go to A&E. Don't panic or anything just be aware I'm sure its nothing that bad.

I'd tell him too - I was in a similar situation almost exactly 1yr ago - we forgot to use a condom, I took the Morning after pill, it didn't work, he wanted me to terminate - told him I couldn't do that and he reluctantly said "ok".

I won't lie it took MONTHS before he would even talk about the pg and it was only after my 20 week scan that we actually started to talk "baby" talk. Now, DS3 is 14 weeks old and DH totally adores him.

Oh and I was an unplanned (mum wanted another dad didn't - she had the coil fitted 6 weeks before falling pg with me!) baby too - my dad apparently wouldn't even acknowledge the pg for the entire 9 months - and guess what he still sees me as his "lovely little girl"

YOur Dh isn't the most erm, gentle of peole is he? Goodness!

It's all about what you need, sweetie. Whatever you decide you will have to live with. So give yourself time to think and talk it through- not just with Dh as he really isn't unbiased enough here, a preganancy counselling service or a friend who is mroe open minded.

Wishing you the strength to find the answers thata re right for you

Did another 2 tests yesterday with DH to be sure, both positive, albeit quite faint. What a night I have had, cried for hours together and slept for a grand total of about 30mins. Currently sitting at my desk in work like a zombie with puffy eyes. A colleague took one look at me, opened her mouth to say something then promptly shut it again - thank goodness as I am likely o burst into tears at any min. DH has said that he absolutely definately does not want another child, in some ways I agree with his reasons - financial problems, childminding, back to the start etc but deep down I have yearned for another baby since DD was about 18mths old. We discussed termination but to be honest its not something I think I could even consider, I could never live with myself. I would resent DH for making me make that decision. I told DH that he was using emotional blackmail to sway me as he thinks our relationship would suffer should we go ahead with the pregnancy, in not so many words its him or a baby - he didnt actually say this, just that he is adament he does not want another baby - I'm scared that means if I do decide to go through with it I will be doing so alone. At the end of the day the decision is mine, we both agree that but I feel so torn, choose baby, risk losing DH, Choose DH and resent him for this for rest of my life and potentially put even bigger strain on relationship. I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, only DH and I know this so I thank you all for listening and helping me get some of this off my chest.

I am so sorry your having to go through this. It seems to me that you don't want a termination so I guess you can only try and be prepared to go through this on your own without DH if thats what he decides. Give him time though, now that he knows your PG give him a few days for the news to settle in his feelings may change you never know. I feel so bad for you have a huge hug Is there anyone, friend or a family member you can talk to about whats happening? Maybe take yourself away this weekend if you can have some space to work out how you feel.

If you don't want a termination, then don't have one. And don't let anyone bully you into one because all that's going to do is make you resentful, quite rightly - it takes two to make a baby and if he never wanted anymore then he should have had the snip.

Sorry, but he's being an arse and you don't need or deserve it. I don't understand people like this, I really don't.

Give it a few days, let it lie for a bit.

But you make your own decisions about what happens to your body for your own good.

'It's him or baby.'

He's the adult here.

Anyone who gives ultimatums like this - well, sorry, but they're better left at the kerb.

He didnt actually give that ultimatum, its the way I see it. He says he doesnt want another one, thats not to say that when it arrives he wont love it. I was 21 when I fell pg with DS1. DH and I were not married and in fact had split up 2 weeks before I found out. I got to 7 months pg alone, living with my parents as DH wasnt interested, He came round to the idea and we got back together and has a very strong bond with DS, in fact he often talks to me about the guilt at his rejection of us back then. We went on to have DD (planned) and then got married. Been married 4 years next week. I cant help wondering will this time work out the same.

Then give him some time.

It's all you can do.

But . He left you and you were pregnant and then he had an affair and now he's saying he doesn't want another baby.

Been through it all havent I - and I'm only 31

So basically your DH does what he wants ie leaving you when your PG and having an affair and doesn't give a whole lot of regard to your feelings until he's already done what he wanted.

I'm sorry that's probably quiet harsh I do feel for you I really do its horrible to be rejected because your pregnant especially if your acctually happy about being PG. You should be celebrating not crying.

It sounds like DH may just need some time but if I had a DH like that I'd have to be prepared to go it alone sorry.

"Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds. "

Either he loves and wants to be with you unconditionally, accepting that ahrd times exist as wella s good ones, or he's not really committed- if that's the case you'd be better off finding yourself someone worth having, even though it will obviously hurt.

Keep reminding yourself: you are worth a man who loves you for who youa re and doesn't attach conditions to your relation which already cannot be fulfilled.

Thanks for the messages, harsh as they are I prefer that way. I have told DH that all my decisions in my life time with him(11 years) have revolved around what he wants or what was bestfor him - deciding to go it alone during my first pg -for the record we had already split when I found out, taking him back after his affair which he made out at one stage to be my fault, putting my career on hold to raise our children while her persued his. This time its about ME and not him - If I go ahead with pregnancy (which is what I want, at the min anyway) then its me who down the line if things go pear shaped will be left holding the baby, literally. If I opt for the other then its me who has to go through it and live with it for the rest of my life, I dont think I can. I have friends who are pg and due ahead of my date, how can I go there and cuddle their new born knowing what I had lost - i would go insane. I think I have made my decision, and thanks to all of you for that. I have told DH I want time to think about things, weigh up all the options. He has told me he will support me whatever option I choose. I just hope so. I have made an appt with DR for Friday as the pain in my lower left side is now much worse.

" He has told me he will support me whatever option I choose"

That's exactly what DH said to me and at the time a very close (RL) friend told me that he obviously loved me if he was prepared to support me whatever may come......of course now he adores DS3 (infact I was looking at the baby photos on the camera the other day - there about 20 of him with DS3......and about 6 of me....3 of those taken straight after the birth )

You sound like your feeling a bit better already. If you don't want a termination don't have one and if the worst happens and he does do a runner then I'm sure that you have people around you who will support you. Him saying he will support your decision sounds very promising though. Good Luck.

If the pain gets any worse please take yourself down to A & E and tell them your PG, if your getting one sided pain theres a risk of an eptopic PG.

I really do hope it all works out for you.

I'm not feeling great to be honest, very weepy and as we are currently living with my parents (2 weeks to go until we move home!!)its really difficult to hide the emotion and put on a brave face as only DH, myself and you lot on here know. He told me what his preferred option would be but that he would support me. I asked him not to put me in the position where I had to choose between losing him or a child. I'd rather jump off a bridge than choose. At the end of the day how do I know he would make a big sacrifice like that for me, this time I am being strong and choosing what I want, for me. If he wants to stick around he can, if not, I'll cope, somehow.

I want to apologise to those who are TTC , this probably seems like a very insensitive thread, if DH was happy then I would be ecstatic to be pregnant - there, I've admitted it. My hand keeps making its way protectively to my stomach already you know, when I can see through the tears to find it.

Good Luck to all of you TTC, and again, my apologies if I seemed insensitive.

Don't apologise, I'm sure no one is offended or upset, the whole point of these threads if to get and give support. Can you take your mum to the side and tell her? Even if DH isn't happy about it if you are its unfair for you to be made to feel miserable. Poor you as if pregnancy hormones aren't enough you also have to put up with you DH not being pleased about it. I'd cry too!

It will work out though he said he will support you so let him. If he does a runner then you have your parents. It won't be nice but you shouldn't terminate if its not what you want to do. Its easier for a man to say have a termination to most men they aren't a father until the baby is put in their arms after the birth but for you especially if you liked the idea before you fell pregnant you'll already being feeling maternal its the hormones and instinct.

My best advice is to keep talking to us on here and maybe find a friend or relative who you can tell who can give you a hug.

Its also got to be stressful being back at your parents so bare that in mind when DH says he doesn't want the baby he must be a bit stressed too. Just don't listen to him though if its not what you want.

Thanks Pixie, I really appreciate your advice. Today I'm feeling a bit stronger, in terms of no tears so far, I slept much more last night than I have done all week so that has helped me too. Today though, I'm not so sure what I want, do I really want another baby - who is going to look after him/her, I cant afford not to go back to work. What if DH leaves me, can I really cope on my own with 3 children? What if DH sticks around but then rejects the baby? How will I cope with sleepless nights again, my youngest is 5 so its been a while and I enjoy the fact that they are gaining independance by the day and do more and more things for themselves. Oh, why are things so complicated!