Got a BFP, not sure how I feel and DH isnt going to be happy

[hogwarts]

I've also posted on the pregnancy board.

My period was late and yesterday I did a Pg test and got a BFP. DH and I have discussed another child, we have 2 already 5 & 8 and he was very much against it although I was very keen. We agreed that we wouldnt have another child and concentrate on our relationship. Circumstances at the min are not great financially although we had DS when I was 21 so not great timing then either! I havent told him that I have done the test but did tell him yday that it was very late - he has said constantly I hope you aren't pregnant. A bit of background is that DH had an affair 3 years ago and we seperated for 9 months. We are now very much together and have a stronger relationship, I'm just so scared that he will take this news badly and leave as he has been texting me all morning to tell me to get a test and do it and that he is worried sick that it is going to be BFP. I asked him this morning if he loved me which he answered yes, I asked him if he would still love me if I was pg and he said yes but he really did not want another child. I know this may seem insensitive of me when there are so many people trying very hard to conceive, its just such a very very big shock to me. Part of me is so pleased but the rest is shocked/scared/worried about DH reaction. I had my mirena coil out earlier this year, been on Cilest pill since. I am due to be bridesmaid at my brother and SIL wedding next March, by my reckoning I will be around 7 months pg by then - I'm due to go for the first fitting on Thursday - do I tell them or not, I dont want them to pay any money when I know I wont be able to do it but then again as I am only 4/5 weeks I dont want it made public....

What a pickle I'm in .... Please help

QueenofQuotes - Can I ask you something? You said that your DH was distant all through the pregnancy and birth, has he ever shown any signs of resentment towards you (or baby) since? Does he talk about how he was at the time? Deep down, I hope that when baby arrives, DH will melt when he sees it and change his mind and that all will be forgotten, though he says no way he will - yes he will love it and look after it but still won't change his feelings about not wanting it in the first place. Is it me or is that hard to understand?

No resentment at all - he's utterly besotted with DS3 (spent all weekend with him in the sling ) and we are getting on better than we have in a long time.

He doesn't talk about how he felt at the time, and tbh I've got no desire to bring it up. As far as I'm concerned that was then, this is now and I'm not sure that talking about how he felt then is going to have any benefits. He adores DS3 and that's all that matters to me - not how he felt about it 1yr ago.

With regards to you discussing the same old stuff with DH all weekend, try not to (unless he brings it up). He's not going to change his mind in an instant, it's going to be a gradual thing. Don't forget that even for men who do want another pg the actual pregnancy itself is a little "remote" for them (we carry the baby, we feel our body changing, every movement baby makes etc etc) and most men find it hard to "connect" before the baby is born anyhow, and when it's a child that they didn't want it's even harder for them.

The more you try and "talk through it" now the harder it's likely to become for both of you. ATM he probably just needs space (and time) to get it all sorted in his head. It will take time for him to come around and the more you try and discuss it the more upset you will become atm as he's going to keep giving the same old answers.

Thanks Queen You are right, talking about it just ends up going round and around in circles. It's easier said than done though just leaving him to mull it over. It's his attitude thats putting me off seeing the Dr. He's very stubborn man and I will never change his mind for him. I love him and am scared of losing him and bringing up 3 children on my own. Ironically, this is the first time I am married and pregnant, (we got married the year after DD was born) and this time I face doing it alone. I just keep thinking why me, why me again? Am I ever going to get the chance to have a happy, smooth life? It's one hurdle after another.

Oh girl, what are we going to do with you?! Ok, what's done is done - and if your DD wasn't feeling well and you had to stay home with her... Ok, we'll take that as an excuse but did you reschedule?!

I think in this turmoil of DC, future lo, your DH having a tough time ~ you're forgetting something... or should I say somebody? It's you!

hogwarts you're as important as all those others in your life but you have taken the bake seat and do not pay any attention to yourself. That's gotta change - baby or no baby - you need to make sure that you're taken care of. And if your DC are too young to help you with that and your DH is too preoccupied with something else at this moment - then YOU have to look out for yourself.

Between you and me - I think you have made up your mind about this lo. And with that said - you need to be giving him/her the best start possible. You will be doing that by ensuring that you're being attentive to your pregnancy. Please see a doctor, get on with your medical supervision and then you will still have all the time in the world to sort out things in your emotional life.

I agree with others - don't waste your energy on talks with DH right now. It feels like the more you're trying to discuss, the more he resists and shuts down. Has anybody ever told you that men can be like toddlers at times? The best thing is to let things cool off for now.

Use this time to take care of your lo and you. Please don't procrastinate any longer. Not seeing a Dr. does not make this pg any less real. What it does, giving that you have had some pains that you couldn't explain, is delaying attention to what needs it the most ? YOU.

Promise to see a Dr. in the nearest future?

good post Kate - you (Hogwarts) really do need to make sure you're taking care of yourself and the baby. And remember if you do want to email me the offer is still open

Hogwarts, please go to your doctor.

I don't know if you watched The House of Tiny Tearaways, the programme with Dr. Tanya Byron? There was a couple on that who had problems, the mum was basically excluding the dad yet the dad was besotted with his dd. Then it came out that while she was pg the dad had wanted her to have a termination, he had a breakdown, and even threatened that he would get someone to beat her up so that she would lose the baby! Yet he was the most loving dad to his little girl and was so ashamed of how he had been during the pg. I don't know if that helps but your dh isn't unique and there is every possibility of light at the end of the tunnel.

If you look through the BBC parenting site you might find some references to the programme.

HTH and look after yourself!

trinity - it's stories like that which make me not want to talk to DH about how he felt 1yr ago. I suspect he probably does feel guilty for how he reacted and I'm not sure brining it up would really help either of us. He's besotted with DS3, we're definitely getting along better than we have for a long time (confirmed last night ) and I don't feel the need to make him talk about it.

hogwarts this is your body. you have decided what you need to do with it in order to feel good about yourself. he played a willing part in this and you know in your heart of hearts he is acting like a twat.

but you've been given some great advice here and so please, please see a doctor and start looking after yourself!

your children need you, your unborn child needs you.

i agree w/QofQ and kate, leave off discussing it w/this husband and start moving forward, which means looking after your health.

I know you are all right, and if the shoe were on the other foot I would be giving out the same advice, I don't know what it is that's stopping me going. I think its the whole admitting it publically and the reaction of DH, I suppose by only us knowing only I can see his reaction. If I'm honest I guess I am embarassed about his reaction and how he will respond when people congratulate/talk to him him about it. When I was at school there was a girl in my class (5thyear) who had a baby during the Christmas holidays, when we came back to school we were told. She hadn't told one single person about her pregnancy, including doctor and gave birth on her bedroom floor when her parents were out. I remember thinking at the time, how on earth did she keep that to herself the whole time. I realise now that I am being like she was - there doesn't seem to ever be the right moment to mention it, in some ways I am afraid of my mother's reaction, she will be on DH side, that 2 is enough, what do you want another for etc etc? I just don't know how to tell her, oh by the way, I'm 7 weeks pregnant, known for weeks just haven't told anyone
God it was easier telling her when I was 21!!

QofQ - I was most definitely not suggesting that you discussed with dh how he felt - IME if someone has moved on best not revisit the past - it is obvious your dh loves his ds3. I wasn't sure whether to recount the story or not but I think it shows that even such an extreme reaction can still turn around once the baby is actually here.

Hogwarts, you seem to be surrounded by negative people. I cannot believe that your mum wouldn't be delighted by your news, and if she isn't then she has a major problem. Do you think she would support your husband completely, or just complain all the time? You have nothing to be embarassed about - your dh should but right now his head is so far up his arse he can't - okay - but don't be embarassed for him. Someone will tell him what a dickhead he is being soon enough.

Go inside yourself. Ask yourself, if I have three children on my own, could I cope? You will know that the truth is, you could. Then ask, could I cope with a termination? All these questions, you know the answers. Whose problem is it if your mum doesn't approve? Hers. Whose if your dh looks like a fool? His.

I totally agree, no more discussion. Trying to change someone's behaviour only sets you up to be knocked down. Instead accept this is how dh is going to be and let him get on with his business. Your business is taking care of yourself and your baby.

Look after yourself. xxx

Hogwarts, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I had the same issues with my mother when I fell pg with ds2 (my 3rd). He was planned, in that dh and I had agreed we'd have 3 but he came along much sooner after dd than we'd imagined.

Mum had said to me pretty much every time we spoke after I had dd that 2 dcs were enough, 3 were too expensive, too hard, too this, too that. When I found out I was pg I just couldn't tell her, just didn't know how to because she was so negative about me having 3.

It was a different situation to yours as I had dh's full support but in the end I emailed her and said something along the lines of 'I know you don't approve of me having 3 but I am pg, it's my decision and my life, I'll live with the consequences. I'd like you to be happy for me and to support me but if you feel you can't then that's fine'.

I wouldn't say she was thrilled and she still makes comments about how much easier life would be if we'd stuck at 2 but that's my mother, tbh.

I really hope your mum does give you some support and that things work out for you and your dh, it's a tough situation that only time will resolve, I think.

starry - you got the wrong of the stick with my previous post - I was using it to try and say that I don't think discussing it now will have any benefits as it's only going to drag up the past - which could quite easily end up causing resentment (as in the case in Tiny Tearaways).

Hi hogwarts, how are you sweetie?

I have to say... I think your situation is drifting away from the issue of pg... or a baby... or even your health...

I think you're searching for approvals. It's like your mom and your DH need to tell you that it is OK for you to have this baby?

You're a grown up and a successful mom. You have done it in the past, you can do it again, with flying colors. You do not need anybody's OK or approval. You know what you're worth.

Neither your mom nor your DH think twice about whether you will approve or disapprove their behavior. Why are you so concerned? It is your life. You deserve to make decisions and live with consequences. They might be good or difficult but they're yours. That's what makes our life rich.

We live once. You deserve to live your life like you see it fit.

How are you?

Hi. Sorry I haven't posted for a while, DD is still unwell, has now got tonsillitis (sp?) for the 2nd time in 5 months. It's been a hard week, little sleep etc. Makes me think what's it going to be like with a baby? DH and I haven't discussed it in a while, on your advice. He had been working a lot recently - TBH I think he was avoiding coming home - and we hadnt really seen each other much( he works shifts). On Saturday, he came home from work, I had been looking forward to seeing him as we hadnt really seem each other since Wednesday evening - anyway he came home, first thing he said was " I hope you don't think I have changed my mind about all this" I was in tears, grabbed my keys and left the house and drove to the beach and sat there, frozen, for 2 hours. I was so sure that I wanted to go ahead with the baby, albeit it wasn't a wholehearted decision on what I wanted, now I'm not sure. A few girls I know from the school gates have had babies in the past week, some comments at school have made me stop and think - they were "i'm so glad mine are past all that baby stage" " I'm so past all that now, glad mine are growing independant" You get the picture. So many doubts about everything. I know in my heart if I decide to have the baby that my marriage will break down - DH is already distancing himself from me, we aren't close anymore. I feel so depressed and so alone, he's my best friend and we talk about everything but we can't talk about this. I don't want to lose him. Am sitting here at the min in tears, again. I've cried so much over the past few weeks. I just wish someone would tell me what to do. I have made an appointment with my GP on Thursday, DH said he wasn't coming with me. I was tempted to tell my friend yesterday, just to have someone to talk to about it as its eating away at me. But I don't feel I can, I don't think I could discuss a termination with her. I would want that to be between DH and I.
I don't want to have this baby alone, I don't want to lose my husband, I just wish it wasnt happening to me. I sat on the beach on Saturday and kept telling myself to walk into the sea, to end it all, I love my kids too much for that and don't want them to have to grow up without me but that's just the way I feel at the minute, so depressed.

Sorry for the depressing early post but you are the only people I can talk to.
Having a baby is supposed to be a happy time, why do I feel so miserable?

Hi Hogwarts. I was in a similar situation with a 2 and 7 y.o. and DH not wanting another child. It's put a lot of strain on our marriage and I wish I could say it's got hugely better over time, it hasn't, I think we just got used to being slightly distant and avoiding any "meaningful" discussions. DD2 is now one week old and last evening I think I had the first warm hug from DH in months (and even that was because I'd lost my temper with the other two and was crying about it). I hope it gets better. Sorry if this doesn't sound too encouraging, I'll start working at it and I hope it works out for you too.

Hogwart, (((hugs)))

You sound so very sad, I'm worried about you.

I know you haven't had much luck with the counselling, so maybe this website'll help you make a more informed decison. It's a neutral stance workbook that should help you explore your feelings on the best option for you in your circumstances. It certainly would've helped me when I had a temination that I later bitterly regretted, I hadn't realised the co-ercion I felt from various directions and I think this kind of reflection could've helped.

I would also urge you to tell a friend or family member other than your DH. I think the pair of you are too isloated in this situation and you, at least, certainly seem to need some support. Mumsnet can only go so far, you need some human contact.

Good luck.

hogwarts, I'm so so sorry you are going through this. I have no constructive advice, other than to echo some other posts about needing to talk this over with someone in RL. do you have a close friend you can confide in, someone who knows both you and DH well who will be supportive and non-judgemental. Will your DH go with you to see a family planning counsellor to discuss things?

From a personal pov, I had a termination just before I sat my finals at uni and i can honestly say that although it was the best thing for me at the time, and a decision that my BF and I talked through and made together, I never fully recovered from it and neither did our relationship, which we had thought was forever.

I hope you can get through this with the best and most positive outcome for you and your family and that whatever you decide your family stays together.
{{{{{{{Hugs to you}}}}}}}
xx

{{{{HUG}}} I agree with the others - it's time for you to go into a R/L. If you're starting to feel that the world is closing down on you, that you just want to walk into the ocean... I think MN has done what it could. You're SO right - your DC absolutely need you. You're SO important in their life.
You owe it to them - brining yourself out of existance into life.

Just wanted to echo again what people have been saying about speaking to someone in RL. Also, dizietsma put it very well, have a look at her link, remember I said earlier in the thread that my termination affected me deeply and I'll never forgive those who I felt forced me into it.

Please look after yourself and best of luck at the Dr's. Make sure you keep the appointment this time, if not for yourself then for your DC. If you feel you may cancel again, find someone in RL to confide with and see if they can come with you for moral support?

Lots of {{{{{{ hugs }}}}}}, thinking of you. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make sure you go to the Dr!!!

LT xx

wish that man of yours would see some sense. Can't he see how sad he's making you? and doesn't he love you enough to find a way through this - together??

That sounded harsh, don't mean to be,sorry.

We also have a "bonus" DD, we were happy with 2 DS, told i couldn't have any more after DS2 but that was fine, two is lovely. DH was in hosp having operation which then got complications, and before that he had been so ill he wasn't particularly fit for anything, including BD (erm.. we managed the odd one, obviously). when he came home from hosp, i had back pain and went to GP, amazed when she said u r pg. had no idea how to tell DH, went home in tears, he asked why so i told him. He said simply, tho not planned, we would love it like we love the other 2. I thought my life was ended, but i have a DD and she's the best thing that happened to me.

Thanks for sharing your story Fihi, its so lovely to hear those with a happy ending. You weren't being harsh, what you siad was true and its something I have questioned over and over, it's the one main thing that would stop me having a termination - After DH's affair I still have doubts, not sure that they will ever go away. I can't help thinking that he doesn't love me enough to fight this, that I will have a termination mainly for his reasons then he will leave me again and not only will I be alone, but so so cross that I had done that for him. He insists that he does love me and that as his way of showing me that he means it he will have the snip. I hardly think a termination v the snip is a fair deal? He should have had it in first place if he was so against kids. What if he when he had affair she had got pregnant - what then? These thoughts all go through my head.
I promise each of you that I will go to the appointment tomorrow, as much as I am petrified of what I am going to say, er I'm 8 weeks pregnant, known for 4, too chicken to come and see you as DH wants nothing to do with it, but I am going. I have been having really bad headaches this week and pain is back in my side so I know I am putting my health at risk by not going. I will be there with you all in my head, spurring me on and giving me the strength, Think of me at 9am, and of DH probably taking another vow of silence since I am going!

Any ideas on how to break the news in RL? To my parents? SIL-to-be? (I am bridesmaid)

hi Hogwarts,

glad that you are going to the dr's tomorrow. will be thinking about you in the morning.
As for telling your parents/sil - all I can suggest is bite the bullet and go for it. Perhaps you could tell your parents first and let them know you are going to dr's tomorrow as you've been feeling unwell.
Just try and remember that no matter what you need to be healthy and well as you have 2 dc to think about as well as lo.

take care

Hello (it's looneytune, just with a halloween name)

First of all, I'm pleased to hear about the Dr's but I'm also very worried about you changing your mind again at last minute. This isn't being said to scare you....just to make sure you keep that appointment. A pain in the side during pregnancy CAN be a sign of ectopic pg (but can also be number of other things) and if it was that (which very much hope it isn't) it's so very very important that you get seen ASAP. It's not just the risk of the pg to think about, it's very dangerous for a women with EP not to get it sorted early on. Please, I know of people who've nearly died from this and again, not meaning to scare you and it probably isn't even that but surely you MUST go and let the Dr tell you what they think. Your kids NEED you well.

2nd - I'm still very much in shock that your dh is being so horrible. You say you're best friends but I'm afraid I just don't see that. He's had an affair and then dares to treat you like this. Don't let him bully you like I was bullied by the family planning people. As you've already said, you could very much end up splitting anyway because of how he's being with you. I don't think you'd ever forgive him if you had a termination and please don't put yourself through the torture I and others have been put through for making that decision.

3rd - telling people in RL.....well....you live with your parents, do you really think they've not noticed something is wrong? Could you not explain, at the end of the day, you were on the pill if I remember correctly? Or....how well do you get on with future SIL? I get on very well with my SIL and I'd be able to confide in her, even about how nasty her brother can be but it depends on your relationship with her.

4th - just tell the Dr as it is....they won't judge!

BEST OF LUCK, can't stop thinking about what you're going through. Please let us know how you get on.

LT xx

Thanks Looney.
I will go to the doc, I promise you. I have already rung my boss to tell her I will be in late tomorrow morning. I'm shitting it but I am going to go.

Future SIL is marrying my brother, not very close, don't really have much in common unfortunately, and this will go down like a lead balloon as they are already up in arms that best man's wife is due the week before the wedding. I think the line was " how could they, when they know its our wedding" Both her and my brother are extremely selfish people.

As for telling my mum, well yes, we have been living here for a few months. TBH I think they have put the bad atmosphere down to stress about our own house and getting moving back home. Its the whole, I am 8 weeks bit that I have difficulty with - she will ask how long I have known for etc etc just finding it hard to work out how I can explain that I have "just " found out lol! Obviosuly I can't discuss this with DH as he isnt much help, what with his head being buried in the sand. I'm embarrassed to tell my mum that DH isn't supporting me, she took his affair very badly and has only really started accepting him this past few months.

Hogwarts.. im really sorry about your trouble.. i do think that you need to do whats best for you, its your body and your concience and only you know yourself best.

Im going through a similar thing at the moment. Although im not married and actually split up with my boyfriend a month ago.

Im 6 weeks pregnant on Friday told the ex yesterday and his response was shit fck shit fck constantly then it was well what do i do and i said nothing.. begged for a termination.. which i also couldnt live with myself for. If i thought i could im sure i would of terminated when i fell pregnant at 17 (now have a lovely 7 year old dd. Then he drops the bombshell he's back with his ex (the one before me whos psycho according to him) and she won't be happy blah blah (do i even care!!) After screaming and shouting at me constantly he calmed down and i hung up told him he would need to let me know how much involvement he wanted etc.

He called me this morning (mid sickness i must say) and was just so rude.. apparently his mother wants proof which im a bit upset about.. not only is she thinking im lying he asked me if its his.. so! And he wants a baby just not with me (2 weeks ago he declared his undying love but he doesnt remember that)

Maybe its something in the water or to do with the weather that sends all men mad!! I hope things work out for you..