Got a BFP, not sure how I feel and DH isnt going to be happy

[hogwarts]

I've also posted on the pregnancy board.

My period was late and yesterday I did a Pg test and got a BFP. DH and I have discussed another child, we have 2 already 5 & 8 and he was very much against it although I was very keen. We agreed that we wouldnt have another child and concentrate on our relationship. Circumstances at the min are not great financially although we had DS when I was 21 so not great timing then either! I havent told him that I have done the test but did tell him yday that it was very late - he has said constantly I hope you aren't pregnant. A bit of background is that DH had an affair 3 years ago and we seperated for 9 months. We are now very much together and have a stronger relationship, I'm just so scared that he will take this news badly and leave as he has been texting me all morning to tell me to get a test and do it and that he is worried sick that it is going to be BFP. I asked him this morning if he loved me which he answered yes, I asked him if he would still love me if I was pg and he said yes but he really did not want another child. I know this may seem insensitive of me when there are so many people trying very hard to conceive, its just such a very very big shock to me. Part of me is so pleased but the rest is shocked/scared/worried about DH reaction. I had my mirena coil out earlier this year, been on Cilest pill since. I am due to be bridesmaid at my brother and SIL wedding next March, by my reckoning I will be around 7 months pg by then - I'm due to go for the first fitting on Thursday - do I tell them or not, I dont want them to pay any money when I know I wont be able to do it but then again as I am only 4/5 weeks I dont want it made public....

What a pickle I'm in .... Please help

Hogwarts, sweetie, as the rest of the girls here - I will be thinking of you too. You're doing the right thing, the ONLY thing you must do - by going to the doctors.

They MUST evaluate you. You're having some pains that might not or MIGHT mean something; it might be something with your body, or something with the baby, or nothing but YOU MUST KNOW.

Also, and please don't take any offense, but you should learn a bit of healthy selfishness from your family (your DH, your brother, future SIL) - they seem to be doing fine putting their interests and well-beings first... now why don't you try to do it once?

As far as telling your family - why are you afraid? You're not a school girl who didn't pass her exam. You're a grown up woman, a mother of 2. If anything - they should feel ashamed about how inattentive they're to you and how unsupportive they're. So how to tell them?

"I have found out that I am pg. DH is still trying to get his head around this news and I don't quite know how he'll come out at the end. But what's critical is that I have not been feeling well. I have a doctor's visit tomorrow so will know more than. Any help - physical or emotional - you can provide would be great. If you can't - you can't."

That's it. YOU'RE NOT GUILTY OF ANYTHING!!!

Good luck {{{{{HUG}}}}}

Hi Hogwarts, it's really good to hear from you.

You don't necessarily have to tell your mum, just a good friend you can trust, if that happens to be your mum, so much the better.

Whoever you choose, tell them everything you've told us here; you've taken so long to talk about it because you're seriously considering termination, your DH is putting a lot of pressure on you to terminate, you've felt very low, even suicidal etc... Full disclosure is very important so that you can get the full support you need.

Can I suggest that worrying about how you SIL might feel about you being pregnant (she sounds like a bit of a bridezilla!) and how your mum will feel towards your DH about his behaviour- this is in the realm of not your problem.

You need to focus on you and how you feel about this, a very difficult thing for a mother to do, I know! Mothers are always thinking about and caring for other people, but this has to be about you because no one else will have to live with the consequences of the decision you make in quite the same way that you will.

Good luck and keep in touch.

I wish I knew you guys all in real life. If I did I would bring you all with me tomorrow for support. You have all been so so supportive to me, a stranger to you all. I am so touched by all your posts and your messages of support, thank you all so very much. (Uh-oh, more big fat tears!)I really don't know what I would do if I couldn't come on here, your support has been invaluable to me. I know when I tell my Best friend that she will be the same, but she won't replace the initial support I have had on here from day 1.

Sparkle123 It's you and me together then? Maybe we can support each other through this. How ironic that your user name was mine on a different forum! When I found out I was pg with DS1 (almost 9) DH and I weren't married and had split up just before I found out. our stories are so similar. I hope things work out well for you, leave you ex, don't contact him, let him come to you. As someone said on down in this thread. if he doesnt come to you to support you then he wasnt worth having in the first place. Hmm, pot, kettle??! Maybe I need to read my own advice!

Kate great advice, as usual. I don't think I will tell anyone until after the appointment tomorrow, maybe by sharing it with others it will ease some of my pressure and stress. I'm worried about the Dr sending me to the maternity hospital as DH step mother works there. Hopefully it won't come to that tomorrow. How are you keeping Kate?

Yep.. you and me together.. I just want to die at the moment its like my worst nightmare.. My DDs sperm donor as i call him has never had anything to do with her so i feel like my life is flashing before my eyes.. My ex.. is now just being an idiot and telling everyone he possibly can ive only told a couple of friends.. cant tell family for another reason.. And according to him i should be prepared for GRIEF.. grief from who is old new gf or whatever she is.. Great i really dont need it. I feel like im 17 all over again! Every conversation he brings a termination up.. he said to me just now its obvious you dont want this baby.. and i said well i wouldnt say i dont want it.. but its difficult.

He is apparently going to see me tomorrow (should be fun does anyone want to come with me for back up please) to discuss everything as i told him i needed to know how much he wanted to do with the pregnancy.. coz i dont want him being all shitty whilst im pregnant then come the baby being the doting father coz i wont be having any of that! He also wanted to know when it was conceived.. theres me how the hell do i know i have a coil.. i have a 3 week cycle.. and im presuming it was either when he came back from holiday or when he came over hte other night.. i still think he thinks im lying.. I really dislike him Im getting to the point now where i just wish i could erase him out of my life i wish i hadn't told him at all.. we work together also which makes life even harder.

And the whole name thing that is really really bizarre!!! I really admire you for being able to cope with what you have with your husband.. i don't know how you've done it you must be a really really strong person!!

If only i could have a bottle of vodka and a cigarette grrr. x

hogwarts, I just want to wish you good luck for the docs tomorrow. I'm glad you are going. xx

{{{teddy bear hugs}}} to hogwarts and sparkle. You're going through a lot and I think you're doing a great job. I do! So many women are having a really tough time with early pg, and that is with a FULL support of DHs. You're doing really well on your own AND supporting your DC.

So my point is - I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE because I don't want to hurt you - but you're already alone. Why are you afraid of loosing them? They're already lost (you've lost them).

Just concentrate on yourself, your health, what's important for you and your DC. These men do not demonstrate the dignity or integrity that I think you'd want your lo to see in a father.

They're sucking all the energy out of you and interfering with what you need to be paying attention to. It is absolutely your and only your decision whether you want to keep them (I mean DH/ DP) in your life but just look at it from a bird's eye view - what are they doing for you today? What are you afraid of losing? Just be true to yourself. No "would've" or "could've" - just reality. Sometimes absence is better than presence.

Hogwarts thank you for asking smile. We found out that the baby we lost through mc was a little baby girl. Unfortunately she had a chromo abnormality incompatible with life... doesn't make this loss easier... probably harder. So more tests for us now, now on my DH and me to see if we could be carriers of some chromosomes that might predispose us to have babies with chromo disorders. The outcome of those tests might mean no more babies for us. I am trying not to think that far ahead yet, just getting through all my doctor appointments. Fortunately we have a love of our life - our beautiful little boy who's turning 20 mnth this month .

GOOD LUCK to you both, girls!

Oh Kate, I feel so bad now for my thread. Hugs to you and your DH. I hope the tests are much more positive. If I could send you the LO inside me I would...

good luck tomorro hogwarts, i (and i'm sure lots of the others too) will be looking in to see how u got on. explain the pain bit to the doc as well as you can, remember it's time for u to look after number one (and little one) now. take lots of virtual support in your pocket (it's gonna be crowded in there - but we'll all fit.)

sparkle, u are such a brave lady! just remember that the ex wasn't behaving like a man, so didn't deserve u. good luck with LO.

"I know in my heart if I decide to have the baby that my marriage will break down - DH is already distancing himself from me, we aren't close anymore."

I was convinced of that too - infact mine nearly did (although our problems ran a lot deeper than an unplanned pg) - but goodness our relationship now is almost as good as pre-children (and DS1 was a "honeymoon" baby!).

Good luck Hogwarts. I was in your situation earlier this year, I really feel for you.

hogwarts - I haven't posted so far because I'd just be repeating what others have said (plus the way your dh is treating you makes my blood boil & I know I'd wind up slagging him off which isn't going to make you feel any better) but I have been following your story. I just wanted to wish you luck for your doc's appointment tomorrow - please make sure you keep it as the most important thing for you to do right now is concentrate on you & your dcs.

sparkle123 - I'm sorry your ex is being such a git. Good luck for your meeting with him & please be as careful as you can (like it needs saying eh?) as his abuse & threats make for very worrying reading.

just a quick note to sparkle.

I found out I was pregnant a week after my fiance broke off our engagement. I had had a termination when I was younger and couldn't put myself through that again so decided to keep the baby. He was so against the idea and at one point even offered to cut off his little finger if I would terminate. Needless to say I didn't want a lot to do with him and we didn't comminicate for most of my pregnancy. We struck up correspondence towards the end of it to arrange access/maintenance etc and by that time he had started to come around to the idea. He ended up being there for the birth and has been a great dad. Whatever was going on with us we put aside for the sake of DS.

We gradually regained our respect for each other and eventually got back together when DS was 2.5 and got married two years ago when DS was three. We now have a DD of 16 weeks. We have talked a lot about those times and DH admits he waas suffering from depression and smoking a lot of dope around the time we split. It hasn't been an easy few years, but we're getting there.

I know not everyone gets a happy ending, but I suppose my message is that no matter how bleak things are looking at the moment, things can and do change, and not always for the worst.

Good Luck to both of you xx

Oh hogy don't be silly! You need your lo one as much as I need mine You hold on tight to yours, ok? And I'm sure my little angel will be watching over both of you all the way through pg~

Good like, girly~

Sparkle hats off to you! Just be careful as others said. Do you really want him around either during pg or then when the baby is born? Will he add value to baby's life? Sorry, don't mean to be nosy but was just reading your posts and wondering

'but you're already alone. Why are you afraid of loosing them? They're already lost (you've lost them). '

VERY true and wise words, kate.

Hope your appointment goes well and your health is okay.

But yeah, a 'DH' who has an affair, decides he doesn't want any more kids but doesn't have the snip, his wife falls pregnant and then he treats her like utter shit and makes her feel shit and bullies and scares her at the most vulnerable time in her life.

Nothing 'darling' about that.

PLEASE spill the beans to your GP and hopefully start getting some support in place for you - your kids need you healthy.

Haven't been able to read the other messages but just wanted to pop in and wish you luck. Hopefully you're there now and I'm thinking of you!

Hope you're ok xxx

Good Luck at the Doctors today.. let me know what they say?? Fingers crossed.. Maybe your docs could offer some sort of advice or counselling..
I've managed to keep 2 slices of toast down for the last 20 mins so im happy lol.. i think i have a bug aswell as everything on top.. Still deciding whether i actually want to meet him or not dont know if i can take it because i know how he's going to be!

Daisy i think you're really brave doing that.. i dont know if i could put myself threw it i gave my DD's father (sperm donor whatever) so many chances and i regret doing that now.. With this one however i really didnt think he was the person he's turned out to be.. Hes proved he's a liar and a Billy Bull sh*tter.. Still not sure if i believe what his mother apparently said.. and this whole im back with my ex thing is making me think he's actually 14 and not 24 - must remember to stay away from toy boys. Idont think ill ever gain all the respect thats lost i understand that he's scared, etc (so am i) but after everything he's put me through i dont think i could. He's near enough accused me of lying and has asked me so many questions like when was it conceived.. im like i have no idea..

Greebos I think they are just threats.. i really dont think he's that stupid.. considering who he works for he'd lose his job at the drop of a hat I spoke to one of my friends about it who works for me.. and she said that if i get any threats from him, her or anyone it will go down as a domestic so that makes me feel a little more at ease.

I told him yesterday i felt like he was pressurising me into doing something i dont want because as soon as i say anything he goes well you dont want this baby so you know what to do. And as much as i try to explain its not that i dont want the baby its i dont want the situation he just goes well you can end it now! And apparently he's ready to be a father just doesnt want a child with me.. whereas a month ago he was rubbing my tummy saying i wish there was a little us in there.. So... in the words of bridget jones he's a complete fu*kwit.

Good luck for today Hogwarts. Please let us know how it goes.

Sparkle he sounds like a total @rsehole (I used to be married to one so I'm pretty good at spotting them). Can you just stay away from him completely for a while & concentrate on you, your growing babby & your dc? He maybe just needs a while to grow up & then he can start acting like a man & not a little boy. I'm glad you're not letting him pressurise you into doing something you know you don't want to do.

He is just a huge liar.. ive realised that.. Im still not agreeing with all he's said.. He even lied to his friends about what he does for a living.. how immature!

I think thats for the best.. im really not up for moving today i feel so weak as all ive eaten in 3 days is 2 slices of toast.. (and they're now staying put woohoo) so i just think im going to say you know waht don't bother leave me alone and see.

Thanks again x

Well I went. I thought of you all when I was cowering in the corner of the waiting room hiding incase anyone I knew came in.

The dr was lovely, I wish I had gone sooner as I feel a lot better having spoken to someone else.

We discussed all options, even termination. he felt that talking to me today it was not an option he would recommend for me as I would need to be 110% sure and I wasn't. He is sending me for a dating scan as although I know when my last period was he said that this was a withdrawal bleed and dates may not be that accurate from that. This will also identify any problems perhaps linked to the pains I have been having. I've to ring back later to speak to him and he will have arranged an appointment at the hospital,perhaps tomorrow but likely to be early next week. I am in work at the minute so can't stay on for long, will be back later. Just wanted to let you all know incase you were wondering..

Hi, have just caught up with your thread this am.
Glad you went and feel happier about it.
TBH I am quite annoyed at your DH, and I would be quite pissed off that he felt he was in any position to ressure you or give ultimatums after he cheated on you, but that's me.

A dating scan is a good idea, don't worry about your mum. Are you in your own place yet??

Let her judge and look down her nose at you, it wont change anything will it. Don't let her get to you. Just calmly say it hurts you for her to say things like that and you would really like it if she could at least keep any negative comments to herself if she can't be supportive.

Also re your mum being mad at your DH, good for her, and you shouldn't try to protect him from that. He should feel the disapproval, it is a result of what he did, and if he didn't want to deal with the repercussions then he shouldn't have done it. FULL STOP.

I also second everything expat said about joint protection responsibility.

You seem to be sounding a bit more positive which is great. I definately agree with twhat the doctor says i dont think a terminatino is the right way unless you are 200% sure thats the way you want to go.

I'm glad you are feeling better about things hogwarts and good luck for the scan. Will your DH go with you?...perhaps seeing the baby on the scan will put things into perspective for him.

sparkle...your baby's father does sound like an utter w4nker. I wish you all the strength in the world going through this alone. It's hard, but ultimately very rewarding. I would suggest a clean "break" from your ex, at least for a while until you, and more to the point he can come to terms with things. You have to look after yourself and the last thing you need is additional stress and worry. take care xx

tulip You mentioned that you were in the same situation earlier this year. I can't remember if you have posted on this thread, my apologies if you have. Can I ask you the outcome of your story? You can also tell me to mind my own business

Daisy - I don't know if DH will come with me or not to the dating scan. I expect not. Put it this way, I am not going to ask him to come, I will tell him when and where it is and leave it at that. He can then make up his own mind. Do you think that sounds ok?

I was thinking about things on the way to work after the appointment this morning. If I have the baby and DH leaves, then yes, I will be alone as in no partner but I will (hopefully) have the support of friends and family with the kids, so not alone in that sense of stress etc. If I have a termination and then DH and I split up I will be alone as in no partner and have to suffer the trauma and stress on the termination alone. I think that would be the hardest of the two.

Can I ask, a dating scan, is it the same as a normal scan or is it internal at this early stage?

I'm glad you went to the docs Hogwarts & are feeling a bit more positive about things. Good luck with the scan - I think you're doing the best thing by just letting your dh know when & where & leaving the rest up to him.

HOGWARTS! GIRL! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!! You did so great! and wow - look how your perspective has changed already . I love your approach about how to handle DH in terms of the dating scan. I think if you can be more "manly" with him now - and that is to pull back all emotions and just leave him with facts - that'll be the best approach for now...

Also as far as your thinking about support that you'll have with the baby versus how you'd be dealing with things after termination - I could not have said it better. I think you have nailed it.

Now just keep strong and continue with the plan. Go get the dating scan, see your little bean and then we'll take it one step at a time, ok?

I am not sure about a dating scan being internal or not. I had both and internal isn't bad AT ALL. You actually get to see your lo so much better~