Got a BFP, not sure how I feel and DH isnt going to be happy

[hogwarts]

I've also posted on the pregnancy board.

My period was late and yesterday I did a Pg test and got a BFP. DH and I have discussed another child, we have 2 already 5 & 8 and he was very much against it although I was very keen. We agreed that we wouldnt have another child and concentrate on our relationship. Circumstances at the min are not great financially although we had DS when I was 21 so not great timing then either! I havent told him that I have done the test but did tell him yday that it was very late - he has said constantly I hope you aren't pregnant. A bit of background is that DH had an affair 3 years ago and we seperated for 9 months. We are now very much together and have a stronger relationship, I'm just so scared that he will take this news badly and leave as he has been texting me all morning to tell me to get a test and do it and that he is worried sick that it is going to be BFP. I asked him this morning if he loved me which he answered yes, I asked him if he would still love me if I was pg and he said yes but he really did not want another child. I know this may seem insensitive of me when there are so many people trying very hard to conceive, its just such a very very big shock to me. Part of me is so pleased but the rest is shocked/scared/worried about DH reaction. I had my mirena coil out earlier this year, been on Cilest pill since. I am due to be bridesmaid at my brother and SIL wedding next March, by my reckoning I will be around 7 months pg by then - I'm due to go for the first fitting on Thursday - do I tell them or not, I dont want them to pay any money when I know I wont be able to do it but then again as I am only 4/5 weeks I dont want it made public....

What a pickle I'm in .... Please help

Hi hogwarts, haven't heard from you in awhile and just hope you're doing well

Sending you a big hug and best of luck wishes~

Hi Katendmom - Thanks for thinking of me. The morning sickness has started or rather the nausea, been feeling sick constantly now since Saturday. Have the appointment with FPA today although I dont really want to go. I will never be able to go through with a termination, its not something that I would have ever considered had DH been happy about this pregnancy so why should I now? That said, I still have wobbly moments (like this morning) when I think - this wasn't planned and I really don't want it happenening in my life. I don't know how we will manange, moneywise, childcare etc...
The only reason I would consider going to my appointment was to get DH to talk about things, he has blanked it out for the last week, not mentioning it unless I force him to. That said, he has started acting more normally to me (as in like nothing has happened) He does keep telling me he doesnt want another child, I have tried saying that I hadnt planned it either but its happened and we have to face/deal with it. He says he loves me so how can that change just because I am pregnant? I don't understand men, and they say women are hard to understand!!
How are things with you Katendmom?

I am sorry that you're not feeling well but these are all great symptoms of a healthy pregnancy . Your little bean is thriving and doing famously and that's wonderful!

I think your DH will come around. He loves you and it means he will of course love your baby. What do you think about this... how far along are you? Go on Google and find pictures of babies who're the age of your "bean." I think your DH would be shocked to see what a real human you're carrying. This might be a wake up call for him - it is not a bunch of cells or tissue, you have a little person inside you and in you life, both of your lives! Just a thought .

Things are ok with me. I had a D&C last Thur, went well. Still a bit of bleeding but it's expected. The surgeon sent some tissue samples to the lab to see if they can tell why I mc'ed. The results should be back in a month (well, 3 weeks now but who's counting?! .

Good luck and please don't hesitate to post if you need some female support . You're doing great! Take a good care of yourself.

Hugs to you Kate, lets hope you get some news back so that you know where things went wrong. I feel so terrible for this thread after what you have been through. I'm sorry, it must seem so insensitive and upsetting for you and for that I truely apologise. I have no one else to talk to but on here. I have no idea how I am going to tell people in RL - especially my parents who I don't think will be happy. Nothing I ever do is good enough for them. Dont get me wrong they adore my DC but I dont think my mum will be pleased when I tell her another is on the way. She helps me a lot with my DC but has said on numerous occasions that if I have another then I'm on my own!

Went last night to the appointment with FPA. What a farce that turned out to be. Had to come up with some wonderful reason why I was going out at dinner time so mum would keep kids for an hour, didnt want to go but knew that DH and I needed to talk about things. Arrived a few mins late, and therefore stressed at being stuck in rush hour traffic. Woman called my name and DH and I stood up, "You will need to wait here Mr Hogwarts, its one to one counselling". huh?? - we specifically rang up and stated WE wanted to talk to someone and they offered us this service. To top that, she said it would last 1.5-2hrs and we had been told on the phone that it would be approx 30-45 mins. I had to be home to take DD out so this was no good. I tried telling the woman that I didnt need counselling on my own, I was beginning to accept the shock of an unplanned preg but that DH needed counselling, or rather together we needed it. She disagreed. At this point, and my excuse being that I am hormonally and emotionally unstable I lost the plot told DH that we were leaving, threw down the leaflet and stomped off leaving him to apologise!
We talked about it when we got home, DH loves me, he has told me that many many times ,(especially today as its our wedding anniversary) but he feels strongly that he really doesnt want another baby and that his hands are tied as ultimately the decision falls to me. He told me that he can't get his head around the fact that the pill has failed me again, I still think deep down he thinks it was accidentally on purpose. I can only tell him that it wasn't and ask that he believe that. We are going to make an appointment to go to see our GP together. I asked what he would do if we went ahead with having the baby. He said he would still be there but it wasnt what he wanted. I can only hope that he changes his mind when he/she arrives.

'I will never be able to go through with a termination, its not something that I would have ever considered had DH been happy about this pregnancy so why should I now?'

Then DON'T! Trust yourself.

And if he didn't want any more children, then he should have grown a pair at that meeting and mentioned getting a vasectomy.

Why is birth control all your responsibility?

See, this is what gets me about every single one of these threads where a married/committed couple who experience a birth control failure and hten the man tries to bully his wife into having a termination she does not want. EVERY single one of these blokes went on and on about not wanting more children but left all the birth control to the female.

How friggin' irresponsible is that?

And none of them ever owns up, gets a sense of personal responsibility, takes matters into their hands and gets the snip or starts using a condom each and every time or not having sex.

This is your choice and your body. Stand up for it. No one else will.

hi, not read all, but look up care confidential.com
they have branches in ireland, and a free phone number, and are sympathetic and unbiased, bit shocked by the fpa response.
they see people together or separately too.

ps they also do post abortion counselling, if that may benefit anyone on here

I agree with everything expat says, hogwarts. 2 of our DC's were unplanned and it was a big financial strain at the time but it wouldn't have entered dh's head to suggest a termination. He is being a twunt and you should NOT give in and have a termination, you would not be able to live with yourself afterwards.

Oh dear hogwarts, one thing you should stop all together is apologizing for how you feel, what you say, etc, etc. Please do not worry about me - I am a big girl and can take care of my emotions . Please know that I have the most respect for your experience and can only imagine what you're going through emotionally.

Please listen to what others say here - take care of yourself and think about what is best for YOU.

Stay in touch!

"I still think deep down he thinks it was accidentally on purpose. I can only tell him that it wasn't and ask that he believe that. We are going to make an appointment to go to see our GP together. I asked what he would do if we went ahead with having the baby. He said he would still be there but it wasnt what he wanted. I can only hope that he changes his mind when he/she arrives."

Hogwarts - that was exactly where I was exactly 1yr ago. DH was adamant it wasn't what he wanted......but my goodness if you could see him with DS3 now......I know you can't really "spoil" a 17 week old baby but DH manages it .

Hi Queen, To be honest its your story that keeps me going, in the hope that DH will be like yours. We talked a lot last night, DH apparently feels like he is having a breakdown - how the hell does he think I feel!? He feels like he has no control over the situation, thats its being forced upon him. I have reiterated that I am not happy about it, especially the thought of being a single parent to 3 children, one of which will be a newborn. He asked why I said that as he wasnt leaving, I told him that if he was going to hate me being pregnant and the thought of a baby coming that I would prefer that I was alone rather than have him drag me down into depression. He said that he wouldn't be able to tell people that he was happy about the situation and that he would tell them that this wasn't what he wanted. I said well how do you think that will make you look - his reply - "honest". I then told him that if that was the way it was going to be then we would be better off apart as every little movement, feeling sick etc I would have to hide from him and I couldn't do that for 9 months. I then told him that I would rather go to all the appointments alone, give birth alone and raise the child alone than feel have his misery hanging over me. What a way to spend you wedding anniversary eh?
he accepts that this is just as much his fault as it is mine, and I stated that he shouldnt have left the contraception all to me if that was the way he felt, he chose the easy option to let me sort it all.

So, looks like its going to be me doing it alone. Get pregnant, lose a husband. Great, eh?

On another note, the pain in my side is really sore again. I am going to Dr on Monday. Last night, and not sure if this is relevant to anything, I had a rash all over my backside and my thighs. It seems to be away today though. Any ideas?

Do have any friends in RL (even just one?) that you can moan to about PG stuff? DH and I hardly talked about my pg until it was time for my scans - even then the 12 week one was just a "I'll take you up there" (and then reluctantly came in when I asked him........think that was something to do with the fact that the waiting room was full and it wouldn't have looked very "manly" to turn your pg wife down ).

20 week scan he came in voluntarily and it was from then on that he would actually "entertain" talking about baby stuff. He still wasn't totally convinced and I never really felt I could sit there talking about kicks, and stretch marks and exhaustion like I did with DS1 and DS2's pg. Even at the birth he was a little distant.

For us we were already in a very rocky relationship - infact just after Christmas (about 6 weeks before my 20 week scan date) we came within a whisper of splitting up (the pg was hardly a decoration on top of the icing on the cake). So that made it even harder.

I won't lie - it wasn't my most enjoyable pg (although actually the "best" in terms of sickness, exhaustion etc etc) but then it could have had something to do with the fact I was still working 28 1/4hrs a week night shifts until I was 29 weeks! However having a few people I could moan to, and harp on about the good bits really helped me get through - and now when I look back I can't believe that less than 1yr ago I thought I was going to be a single mum of 3 .

(oh and MN is always good for sharing stuff too )

'He said that he wouldn't be able to tell people that he was happy about the situation and that he would tell them that this wasn't what he wanted. I said well how do you think that will make you look - his reply - "honest". '

No, it won't make him look honest, it will make him look like a pratt. Because on the Plant Maturia, sometimes things we don't want happen, but we keep our mouths shut because opening them will hurt other people who don't deserve that.

Good for you, hogwarts! Everything you told him is the truth - it's dead tough sometimes but you either hang with it or you don't.

Hope things get better for you soon.

Thanks Guys. Am dead weepy today. Its good to have you here to moan to.

Moan away!

Agree with everything expat has written. What would happen if you just refused to discuss it with him? It sounds a bit as if he is placing himself in a victim role which is plain stupid. As expat said if he didn't want any more kids he should have sorted himself out with the snip.

hogwarts - if you want to email me at all to "chat" about it feel free too gwenick . taff @ ntlworld . com (without the spaces)

Hogwarts, what worries me the most is that this pain in your side keeps coming and leaving. Along with all the emotional worries you're going through, you should remember to take care of your physical well-being. You also want to confirm that this pregnancy is progressing well. After all - you have 2 DC - and you need to be well for them. Please don't let anything happen that might change your Dr.'s visit on Monday. They need to do a physical evaluation and look into that pain of yours.

Let us know how things play out on Monday.

Thanks Kate and Queen ( I might just do that)

I'm def going to the Doc on Monday. Been getting a lot of pains in my tummy and up inside my bits . I dont remember any of this from before.

Is there any way you can be seen sooner than Monday?

I dont think so Kate. The pains seem to have stopped for now anyhow. Asises from some nausea earlier in the week (which I now think may have been unrelated as DD had it too) I don't feel pregnant. Dont have tender boobs, extreme tiredness has stopped. I remember from my last 2 pregnancies that my exczema cleared up pretty much straight away, this time it cleared up and has come back again. Will my GP do a scan on Monday or can that only been done at hospital? If something had happened to the baby surely I would bleed?

Alright there, sister, hang on with your conclusions. Many women will tell you that the "feeling of being pg" is rather subjective and might change from one pg to the next. I am sure you have also heard that pgs may be very alike or very different. So the fact that you feel differently this time, isn't necessarily the clue for anything.

The fact that your pain stopped is good but the fact that it seems to be coming and going is not so great. So make sure you talk to your doctor on Monday and give them the specifics.

Now, as far as the scan goes... are you in UK/ Europe? I am in USA and things are different here. Here you get your first visit with a nurse actually, she gets all your info, asks about previous pgs, etc. This visit usually happens between 6 and 8 wks of pg. Then your next visit is when they do an internal scan. They try to do that between 8 and 9 wks. From what I read on MN, in UK it seems more customary to get scans at 12 wks? I might be wrong. Regardless, if you're worried - please talk to your doctor and ask if it is possible for you to get an earlier scan. How far along are you?

Lastly, please try not to worry. Do go and see a doctor but since you asked - I have to be honest with you. If woman is mc'ing, she might not start the bleeding right away. When I had a mc, I didn't start bleeding until about 2 wks since after the baby?s heartbeat has stopped. SORRY FOR THE DETAILS and I am NOT suggesting that there is ANYTHING wrong with your pregnancy. I am just answering your question about when a bleeding might start if a woman has a mc and it is based on my experience.

Please let me know how things go on Monday, ok?

Hi Hogwarts,

Worried that you are having such bad pains.
If the pains are really bad maybe you should ring the hosp and ask to speak to one of the midwives in the admissions unit of whichever hosp you intend to go to - they will see you and scan you at the weekends (I was seen at at 9pm on a friday night - I'm also in NI).
I know that you have also said that you are having probs with DH but you need to look after yourself first esp with having these pains - thats the important thing right now.

If all goes well pain wise over the weekend make sure you keep dr's appt on monday you can see if dr will refer you the early pregnancy clinic for a scan. Be sure to tell the dr how long you've had the pains and how bad they are and there should be no prob getting a referral. When I was referred I spoke to dr on tues and had appt for thurs.

How are you today hogwarts? Thinking of you, please let us know how it goes with the Dr tomorrow.

LT xx

I'm ashamed to tell you that I cancelled my Dr appointment, again. Thats the thrid time. I'm behaving like a 12 year old, I know I am, not someone who will be 31 in a few weeks. I just still can't face telling a real life person that I am pregnant, yet I know that I need medical help. I'm 7 weeks today, DH and I are the only ones that know and have done for 3 long and painful weeks. I know I have to see the DR soon, it will be hard to hide soon enough. I don't know how to tell people though, especially my parents (we've been living with them, so the fact that we have had sex in their house is embarassing enough I think they will be utterly gobsmacked.

DD hasn't been well all weekend and I have kept her home from school and used that as an excuse for not being able to go - although it is true, I would have had to bring her with me and then that would be the secret out!

Discussed the same old, same old with DH all weekend. He doesn't want it, end of. I have tried and tried to ask him to even consider it but no, he doesn't want it, it's a bad thing that's happened and that's the end of it. I said that when the baby arrived he may think differently - he told me that he wasn't saying that he wouldn't love it, or me but that he would resent us both, me especially for forcing something on him that he doesn't want. I feel as though my head is going to explode at any time, and to be honest I just wish it would and that would be the end of it all. He accepts that this is as much his fault as mine, we've been down the whole leaving the contraception to me talk, but is 150% adament that he doesn't want this. I'm trying to say that if we had the choice to plan then I wouldn't have planned another pregnancy, (TBH I loved the idea of it but the reality isn't great!) but that it has happened, albeit unplanned and why can't we make the most of it, Why does it have to be a bad thing, why can't it bring us together as oppose to push us apart, the kids would love a baby brother/sister, we could really make it work but he refuses to even entertain this idea. He says that the most frustrating thing is that he has no say in this. In my opinion he is giving me no choice, He's basically saying have a termination and we'll all live happily ever after, have the baby and we won't. I told him that if this was one of our friends saying this to their wife/partner then we would be saying what a bastard, I told him he was being a selfish arrogant bastard and he needed to take a step back and look at how he was reacting/treating me. Ironically he won't discuss this with any of his mates, my opinion on that is that he knows he will look like a dickhead.

Yes, I've got that off my chest but it still doesn't help. I'm still so terribly confused. I just wish someone would come along and rewind the clock for me.
Kate - I'm in Nothern Ireland, the system here is the same as England, first scan normally around 12 weeks then again at 20 weeks.
QueenofQuotes - Can I ask you something? You said that your DH was distant all through the pregnancy and birth, has he ever shown any signs of resentment towards you (or baby) since? Does he talk about how he was at the time? Deep down, I hope that when baby arrives, DH will melt when he sees it and change his mind and that all will be forgotten, though he says no way he will - yes he will love it and look after it but still won't change his feelings about not wanting it in the first place. Is it me or is that hard to understand?
What a long post, Sorry for rambling.. How is everyone else today?