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Conception

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Got a BFP, not sure how I feel and DH isnt going to be happy

643 replies

hogwarts · 04/09/2007 11:31

I've also posted on the pregnancy board.

My period was late and yesterday I did a Pg test and got a BFP. DH and I have discussed another child, we have 2 already 5 & 8 and he was very much against it although I was very keen. We agreed that we wouldnt have another child and concentrate on our relationship. Circumstances at the min are not great financially although we had DS when I was 21 so not great timing then either! I havent told him that I have done the test but did tell him yday that it was very late - he has said constantly I hope you aren't pregnant. A bit of background is that DH had an affair 3 years ago and we seperated for 9 months. We are now very much together and have a stronger relationship, I'm just so scared that he will take this news badly and leave as he has been texting me all morning to tell me to get a test and do it and that he is worried sick that it is going to be BFP. I asked him this morning if he loved me which he answered yes, I asked him if he would still love me if I was pg and he said yes but he really did not want another child. I know this may seem insensitive of me when there are so many people trying very hard to conceive, its just such a very very big shock to me. Part of me is so pleased but the rest is shocked/scared/worried about DH reaction. I had my mirena coil out earlier this year, been on Cilest pill since. I am due to be bridesmaid at my brother and SIL wedding next March, by my reckoning I will be around 7 months pg by then - I'm due to go for the first fitting on Thursday - do I tell them or not, I dont want them to pay any money when I know I wont be able to do it but then again as I am only 4/5 weeks I dont want it made public....

What a pickle I'm in .... Please help

OP posts:
pixie04 · 06/09/2007 08:38

Even if you and DH had planned this baby I'm sure once you got the BFP you both would have had doubts. Thats just the normal fears when your PG. I think you would need to feel a hell of a lot more strongly that you can't deal with this to have a termination. Money will always sort itself out. You will deal with this it will be okay. If DH walks out and your left with 3 DC's you will cope. Thats what women do we cope. I'm not saying don't have a termination because if thats what you want then you do it. But I'm saying if your just scared then talk through your options and your situation with your Doc, sometimes it helps to talk face to face with someone.

hogwarts · 06/09/2007 08:49

I agree that I need to talk to someone else asisdes DH. I feel like I am going insane, like I am carrying the weight of the whole world on my shoulders. I'm not ready to tell my mum or friends yet because if I did decide to terminate I wouldn't want anyone to know - I would never be able to live with knowing that they all disapproved. I'd have to suffer the pain of that alone. My parents are very devout Christians and would not approve at all. They supported me when I found out I was pg with DS, they were disappointed as I was young, living at home and about to go to uni after taking a few years out but gave me 100% support as did the rest of my very close family, they still do, DH's family are not interested, we get no support from them at all, infact I havent seem my MIL since the day dd was born (she is 5). I'm not complaining mind you, I wouldnt want her around my children. Is there somewhere I can read up about early pregancy, eg what I should avoid eating etc? I just cant remember from before.

OP posts:
berolina · 06/09/2007 08:57

this site is extremely useful on what to eat/avoid.

I am nearly 39 weeks pg with a much-wanted (albeit not exactly planned as such) second baby, dh is ecstatic too, and I still get regular bouts of 'oh sh1te, what on earth am I doing?' Of course your situation is far more complicated, and I'm not trying to brush that off at all. But the first couple of weeks, once I noticed I was late and guessed what was up (didn't have the courage to do a test and in the end went straight to the doctor), I was not happy at all - I'd had two consecutive mcs a few months previously and felt completely unready and absolutely terrified of it happening again. Plus we were at a very insecure job/financial point in our lives. It has all, unbelievably, worked out for the good.
Where you admit you would be ecstatic to be pg - I think that feeling like that, a termination would be immeasurably more difficult for you than the (very real) issues and complications you face if you progress with the pg.

If you can't tell anyone around you, could you get some counselling, at a FPC or similar? (Don't really know the British system, sorry).

hogwarts · 06/09/2007 09:00

Berolina, thankyou for sharing your story. I will have a look at that site today. Good luck with your Little one, I'm so glad that it has all worked out for you. Come back and let us know how the labour went - now that really does scare the shit out of me!!

OP posts:
berolina · 06/09/2007 09:02

Thank you! (not thinking about labour atm - putting fingers in ears, hands over eyes and going 'la la la' - I'm probably going to have to do it without dh too, as we have Childcare Issues )

All the best for you too.

TheQueenOfQuotes · 06/09/2007 10:04

hogwarts - I don't know if this is any help to you - but this is just one the threads I started almost exactly one year ago in very similar situation to you - it's VERY long - but there was lots of wonderful advice, especially about me worrying about "what if" - I had to bring up 3 children on my own, if DH rejected the baby etc etc.

hogwarts · 06/09/2007 10:50

Hi Queen- thank you for that, I;ve read part of it but as I am in work and have tears running down my face thought it would be best to stop! How did your story work out in the end?

OP posts:
TheQueenOfQuotes · 06/09/2007 13:05

it worked out wonderfully in the end - we nearly did split up (in January) but thankfully worked through it (well we're still working through it but firmly togehter) and he ADORES DS3

hogwarts · 07/09/2007 16:40

I keep changing my mind, I don't know what I want. One min I absolutely positively want to keep it and think, well we will get through it. Then I change my mind and think a termination would be for the best. I just wish I could turn the clock back to Monday when this hadnt happened yet

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 07/09/2007 16:53

You really need to speak to a counsellor about this to make a decision that is right for you.

beller · 07/09/2007 17:08

Hi Hogwarts,

Im in a totally different position, but thought I would share my story anyway. Im 24 weeks pregnant after a contraception failure. My boyfriend wanted me to have a termination, but im 37 years old, and have always wanted children, and decided I couldnt go through with it. He then promptly left. Now we dont have any other children, and we were not married, but I have so much support from friends and family,and apart from the odd tear and being scared of doing it on my own. I know its the best and only decision I really could have come to.
I really hope you manage to come to a decisio your happy with, I know its not easy. Mybe pick one firend or member of the family to tlak to. While I was still considering a termination I felt weird as i didnt want people to judge me...but I know they wouldnt have, and the decsion i would and did come to was for the right reasons and much thought over.
I really feel for you, and just wanted to wish you all the best xxxxxxxxx

JodieG1 · 07/09/2007 17:16

I was in the same situation last year. We discussed having a third child and he definitely didn't want one and I dfinitely did. We talked for months and eventually I agreed to give up the idea and not have any more. I was already pregnant though but didn't know it. He wasn't pleased but knew I wouldn't have an abortion and although it took him some time to come to terms with it he did.

I had pregnancy problems and my waters broke at 22 weeks, the outcme was, thankfully good and we now have a gorgeous nearly 8 month old son. Dh was so happy when ds2 was born and he has been a brilliant dad.

I'm very pleased with our decision. It was a shock to me as well and took time to get used to the whole situation.

hogwarts · 07/09/2007 17:20

Thanks for the replies. I'm just so tearful today, so scared of making the wrong decision. It truely is a man's world isn't it?!

All the best for the rest of your pregnancy Beller xx

OP posts:
hogwarts · 09/09/2007 11:46

I'm no further on, had an appointment for GP on Friday but cancelled it at last minute as wasnt sure what I was going to say. Have made another for Monday but think I may cancel it too. I'm still so confused. We have talked about it a little more (its very awkward as we are living with my parents at min) Basically DH doesnt want it, wants me to have a termination and live happily ever after. Being more practical than him I know that this will never happen, I will resent him and our relationship will break down, its already in the early stages of it with DH barely looking at me, never mind any physical contact. I've tried to say, i;m the same person you loved on Monday, only now we know I'm pregnant. He's pushing me away already and I cant be sure if I do decide for a termination he will give me the support I need when he is like this now. Whats to say that 2 years down the line we seperate and he finds another partner and has a child, how will I feel then knowing that I got rid of ours for his sake and for the sake of our marriage.. All of these things are going through my head. He refuses to discuss the possibility of keeping it, he says that he doesnt want it, that it will destroy our marriage and that he doesnt think he could stick around if I want to keep it. I've told him that a marriage can only be destroyed if we let it and there is no reason a baby will do that, I dont see his logic at all. I feel under so much pressure, he is asking me to choose between him or my baby. My head feels like its going to explode, I've cried so much in the past week, in some ways I feel like taking a concoction of vodka and aspirin, only the love I have for my other 2 DC is stopping me. I just dont know what to do for the best. DH has suggested we try the FPA for counselling, I might give them a call tomorrow. I'm not sure I want my GP to know I am considering termination.

OP posts:
worzsel · 09/09/2007 13:01

What an awfull situation for you to be in, you Husband sounds like a complete git !

xxxx

I cant believe he's making you feel like doing what you said in your post, what kind of man is he ? If he thinks having another baby will ruin your marriage then you need to look at how strong your relationship is anyway and think what would change if you had an abortion for him ? nothing, you'd end up resenting him and that'd drive you apart anyway. it sounds like your better off without him.

Having an abortion to please someone else is a recipe for disaster i think.

ShinyHappySchmooo · 09/09/2007 13:31

I have been thinking about this and although I ackonwledge fully that it's impossible to categorically know what I would do unless I actually found myself in your (for you at the moment) nightmare of a situation, this is what I think I would do.. and how I would think..

You were keen for another child but DH was not. By a quirk of fate, another child is now conceived. Although you relation is, has been, you say, much stronger since you rebuilt it after his affair, terminating a child that in your heart, you must want very much, will akmost definitely undo all the positives that you have strived to find in your reltionship since you hit, what, a very big blip, and of his making. If I was you I would be very unsure that I could survive with my wellbeing intact, long term, if I did what he alone wanted. If you both wanted a termination it would be different and what had happened in the past (his affair) would be less relevant. But you don't feel the same over this.

I understand you must be very afraid of losing him and this must be back all kinds of past horrors from when you thought he was lost to you in the past. But this time there is a child involved that he is as equally responsible as you are for creating. He is unfairly waivering that responsibilty two-fold; he doesn't wanty a baby not does he want to be involved in the decision to of whether to terminate or not. He expects you to make that decision alone; and to make the "right one".. but for him, not you. He presumaably has given little thought to you state of mind if you go ahead and terminate; the possible guilt, resentment and misery you may well feel as well as initial grief.

If I were in exactly your position, from the info you have given us, and I would tell him I was keeping the baby, give him the opportunity to get his head round that, and support you/continue to make your marriage work. But if he thought he could not do that, then call a day on the marriage. Because you derserve to be in the frame of mind of knowing where you are; whether you are going to be with him, or alone, as you go into a future with your childen. And making that decision yourself, about the baby and the marraige may be the hardtest thing you have ever done, or will ever do, but you removes you from the dreadful powerless position you are in now, whether either option seems dismal. And in the not so distant future, you will be stronger and will cope and I'm sure, be happy.

Wishing you the very best for a positive outcome whatever that may be and thinking of you.

ShinyHappySchmooo · 09/09/2007 13:34

Sorry for the appalling way I have typed some of that.. am hurrying but felt compelled to reply. The word "whether" at the end should be "where" and I hope you can make some sense of what the rest of it is trying to say.

hogwarts · 09/09/2007 19:05

Shiny happy and worszel, thank you for your replies. Deep down, in my heart I do want to keep the baby, but I love my husband too (mad, I know) and I dont want to lose him either. I think we need some time on our own to talk about this together, I think he knows that I wont have a termination as I have spent the past 2-3 years trying to persuade him to try for another so he knows I will want to have this one. His attitude to me at the minute is putting a huge strain on our relationship, pressure that I dont need, given my mental and emotional state at the minute. I'm scared of being alone though, having been through it before. Could I cope with a newborn on my own and 2 other children??

OP posts:
hogwarts · 10/09/2007 09:35

The latest is that DH thinks I planned this. Apparently its too much of a coincidence that the same person fell pregnant while on the same pill, albeit 10 years apart and he doesnt believe that I hadnt plotted this.

I feeling like I am living someone else's nightmare for them, that this isnt happening to me. I'm numb and in shock, barely registering anything anyone says to me. Its still early days ( 5 weeks today I think).

OP posts:
belgo · 10/09/2007 09:49

of course it can happen twice to the same person, especially if you are taking the same pill.

If your dh really didn't want another baby then he should have taken responsibility himself for contraception.

It's horrible for him to blame you and put you under this pressure.

It sounds like you want this baby, so don't have a termination, you will only resent your dh forever if he pushes you into one.

All you can do is suggest some sort of marriage counselling.

crokky · 10/09/2007 09:59

I don't think you should have a termination purely in order to keep your DH. Even if you do, there is still no guarantee that DH will stay.

You should only have a termination if it is the right decision for you personally. You will be the one having to cope with the emotions.

Given his attitude, you should tell him to book up for a vasectomy immediately. It takes 2 people to make a baby and if he felt so strongly, he should have done everything he could to prevent a pregnancy. Now that it has happened, he cannot absolve himself of responsibility by telling you to have a termination.

startouchedtrinity · 10/09/2007 10:04

hogwarts, I am so sorry to hear of your situation. If you have a termination to please dh and later regret it you will never forgive dh and it will be the end of your relationship anyway. You said you want to keep this baby - that's the end of it. Your body, your baby. You will always have the chance to repair your relationship with dh or move on if necessary - ou casn't reverse a termination.

All contraception can fail. If your dh didn't want to risk another pg then he should have had a vasectomy or not had sex.

KristinaM · 10/09/2007 10:10

not sure how you could get yourself pg without your DH being involved??? or is it that contraception is totally your responsibility???? just like everything else it seems..sorry i feel and for you

clutteredup · 10/09/2007 10:17

hogwarts , you sound much like me last year when we ofund out I was PG with number 3. i had always though tit would be nice to have 3 but DH was always adamant he only wanted two and somewhere along the line i had agreed. anyway when we found out DH was furious, angry and blamed me - so i do know how you fell. at one point it was he wants a termination and i wanted a divorce as i wanted the baby but i didn't want him to be around to resent me and her. to cut a long story short it was pretty terrible on and off throughout the 9 months, i even spent a night in a hotel on the M25 as i walked out, i was about 7 mnths by then, but now we have another beautiful DD who is 8 months old, and DH more than adores her, spends the whole time saying how gorgeous she is and how lovely it is to have 3 DC.I was worried that i would feel bad that she was an accident, when the other 2 were planned and so wanted - although I heard someone refer to it on MN as a bonus baby, but 2 get one free!!! which i thoguht was lovely - but i don't feel like that now. so hang on in there it will take time, especially if your DH is like mine, but he will probably come round in the end, it's early days and its been a bit of a shock for both of you. you need to have some time to decide how you feel about it too.
one last thing, my dad said there's a reason that pg takes 9 months, its because it takes 9 months to get used to the idea, i think he has a point. i hope it all goes well for you, i know its hard and will be thinknig about you. but i'm sure it will work out
oh and do go to the GP and get yourself checked out.

mymama · 10/09/2007 10:19

I'm sorry you are in this situation .

I was in a similar situation 41/2 years ago when I fell pg with ds2. Except I felt like your dh. We had talked about having a third but had decided against it. I fell pg the next month. I booked a termination and dh talked me out of it. I resented the baby and my dh for the whole pregnancy. Dh and I were unhappy and having problems before the pg and I felt panicked about how I was going to cope with 3 dc and how we would cope financially. Of course, the minute ds2 was born I fell instantly in love. There have been times over the past few years I have resented him and wished we had stuck with two, but most of the time I love him to bits and know that he makes the family complete.

In a long winded way I guess I am saying it is early days. Your dh is in shock and angry and upset. I felt exactly the same way. He will come around he just needs time to adjust.

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