Got a BFP, not sure how I feel and DH isnt going to be happy

[hogwarts]

I've also posted on the pregnancy board.

My period was late and yesterday I did a Pg test and got a BFP. DH and I have discussed another child, we have 2 already 5 & 8 and he was very much against it although I was very keen. We agreed that we wouldnt have another child and concentrate on our relationship. Circumstances at the min are not great financially although we had DS when I was 21 so not great timing then either! I havent told him that I have done the test but did tell him yday that it was very late - he has said constantly I hope you aren't pregnant. A bit of background is that DH had an affair 3 years ago and we seperated for 9 months. We are now very much together and have a stronger relationship, I'm just so scared that he will take this news badly and leave as he has been texting me all morning to tell me to get a test and do it and that he is worried sick that it is going to be BFP. I asked him this morning if he loved me which he answered yes, I asked him if he would still love me if I was pg and he said yes but he really did not want another child. I know this may seem insensitive of me when there are so many people trying very hard to conceive, its just such a very very big shock to me. Part of me is so pleased but the rest is shocked/scared/worried about DH reaction. I had my mirena coil out earlier this year, been on Cilest pill since. I am due to be bridesmaid at my brother and SIL wedding next March, by my reckoning I will be around 7 months pg by then - I'm due to go for the first fitting on Thursday - do I tell them or not, I dont want them to pay any money when I know I wont be able to do it but then again as I am only 4/5 weeks I dont want it made public....

What a pickle I'm in .... Please help

Mymama, its so kind of you to post as its lovely to hear it from the other side. Clutteredup - our stories are so alike and its reassuring to hear of your positive outcome.

"You will always have the chance to repair your relationship with dh or move on if necessary - you can't reverse a termination". This is so so true.

I rang the FPA this morning to arrange an appt to discuss things with someone who is unbiased and impartial. Came off the phone in tears, conversation went like this

Can I make an appointment to speak to a counsellor please

• What about? I am pregnant and want to discuss options
• You have 3; keep it, give it up for adoption or have an abortion Well my husband spoke to someone there earlier and was told you offered advice
• You are married??? Is the baby your husbands? Yes.Can I make an appointment?
• Sighs, it will be next week -gives times etc. Name please? Mrs Hogwarts
• definately Mrs?? Yes
• Age? 30
• Gasps - 30? Yes, 30, almost 31
• Right, well then see you next week.

So much for a non judgemental organisation. I also discovered it will cost approx £700, I would have to travel over from N Ireland, I honestly didnt think there would be a cost for the procedure. Niave eh?

Can't believe the FPA, I'm so sorry, as if things aren't hard enough! I hear Marie Stopes is very good for counciling but don't know if there are any near you. I truely wish you all the best. Just remember you are a strong person who has survived so much all ready and you will make the right decision for you at the end of the day. Take Care.

"The latest is that DH thinks I planned this"

Hogwarts - is your DH my DH's twin? That's what he said too - tbh I think it was all part of the "shock" process - as he very recently told me that he knows it was just one of those thihngs that happens in life (to lots of people).

Oh Hogwarts they sound horrible. is there anywhere else you can get some advice? How has the pain in your side been by the way? It might be worth seeing if you can get an early scan at an EPU just to check all ok.
Your dh sounds like he is just lashing out and saying you planned it as he doesn't like not being in control of the situation. You know you didn't plan it. And in answer to 'could you do it on your own if it came down to it'? Absobloodylutely you could (although I hope it doesn't come to that) and am sure there are lots of mumsnetters who are good examples of this and would help you through it.

Please Ring Marie Stopes you can have a counselling session with them over the phone. 0845 300 80 90. Just don't tell them you live in NIreland (for the moment) and ask if you can have a counselling session.

Hogwarts, I really feel for you. I've been writing on another thread about how my sister is in a very similar situation - although this is her first child and her DP has two from a previous marriage - she is nearly 18 weeks pregnant now and still considering a termination because her DP said (in a roundabout way) its him or the baby. You're the same age as her too. I can't really offer any advice I just wanted to send you hugs, I know it must be a very difficult time.

Oh God 18 weeks

Sorry to be blunt but I couldn't get a termination for your dh, no way. He's being a horrible, horrible man and to be honest, I'd rather be on my own than with someone like that!!! . I do understand he's just lashing out like men do when they are not in control over the situation. I could tell you more about what I think but it's basically been covered by the other posters.

Can I please share my story with you though.......

I've wanted children since the age of 13. When I was 16 (nearer 17) me and my long term boyfriend had a problem with a split condom. We were worried but then thought it would be very unlikely that one occasion would make me pregnant. Well....between Christmas and New Year I found out I was pregnant. We were both in a right state and didn't know what to do. We both loved each other (like you do at that age ) and both loved kids. Anyway.....went to Family Planning Clinic to talk through options. When I left, I didn't feel I had an option at all. WHY????? Because the B*TCH who spoke to us went on and on and on telling me 'if you keep that baby, you are very very selfish people who will only make the poor baby suffer'.....'what can you offer a baby'.....'what kind of life would the poor thing have' etc etc.

Anyway....ended up having a termination. I did speak to my mum (as if it were about my friend) and bless her, not knowing she said 'well, I don't agree with abortion but I wouldn't be happy being a grandma yet'. We did it alone, we walked miles and miles home after the procedure and had to try and act like I was just late back from college. Having this termination SCREWED ME UP BIG TIME for quite some years. I didn't forgive myself for ages, I went wild and dumped my fiance a couple of months later, things got very deep where I wanted to kill myself and was secretly drawing awful awful pictures (don't want to share). I'm now 31 and am over it most of the time. I had a MC at 26, before we conceived ds. This is when it first came back to haunt me - I thought it was all my fault because of what I'd done. I know that's not the case but it just shows how long something like this can stay with you.

Now, I don't want to make anyone feel guilty if they CHOOSE to have a termination, I'm for freedom of choice HOWEVER I was only a kid and you're a grown up with a family. I reckon if I found it THAT hard back then, you'll find it soooo hard and I really believe it would end your marriage anyway. I've never ever forgiven the people at the FPC and still to this day believe they were using me as a guinea pig (I didn't have an op, something else which is no longer legal I believe).

Oh.....and to top it all. When I was 5 weeks pg back then, my aunt phoned my mum to say she was 5 weeks pg. Had to keep my feelings in. They all know now but it took some time for me to be able to deal with my cousins birthdays etc. Look.......even 14 years later it's brings me to tears thinking about how I was forced into this decision.

Please please choose what's right for you and ONLY go ahead with an abortion if you decide it's what YOU want.

[off to wipe tears ]

{{{{{ HUGS }}}}} to you as you are going through a SH*T time!

Looneytune, please dont cry, you'll have me started. I can't stop crying these days, seems anything brings it on. I'm sorry to keep posting on here and bringing this thread up its just I have no one else to talk to and it helps me to come on here and let it all out. Thank you all for listening and sharing reponses and advice. I'm still in shock about the telephone call to FPA, keep picturing how they would have reacted had I been 15/16 and unmarried, would they have preferred that?
Is it natural to feel that one min I really want to keep this baby and the next that I don't? I keep thinking about the changes its going to make to our lives. How am I going to tell people? I dont think my mum will be pleased, she has made it clear that she looks after DC for me but that 2 are enough. Also, SIL to be has told me that she went ahead and ordered the bridesmaid dresses after we went to try some on last week, how do I tell her that I will be 7 mnths pregnant, the dress wont fit me and I can't do it?

Jackstini - the pain in my side is still there although not as frequently as it were. Its gone from being an occasional sharp pain to a dull constant ache.

HW - I really think you should get to an EPU asap and check out the pain - it could be nothing but it might be ovarian cysts or an ectopic pregnancy.
Yes - it is perfectly normal that you keep changing your mind, your hormones will be all over the place.
Keep posting on here - that's what MN is great for, you can say anything and be much more candid and open than perhaps you would be in real life. Has DH said anything more yet?
In the scheme of things, don't worry about the bridemaid dresses! A dress can be altered and you can always tell SIL you didn't know at this point - it's still early enough to get away with that.

LT - so sorry to hear your story hope it helped a bit getting it off your chest

We had a chat about it on Sunday evening, both quite calm and I managed not to cry. He explained his fears: that I planned this, how will we cope financially, it will put a strain on us, its not what he wants etc etc etc. I asked him why he was so against it but didnt really get an answer.

I told him that it was unplanned and as much as a shock to me as to him, I dont know if he believes me or not but I have told him that he has always trusted me as I have never given him reason not to and he accpets this. To be honest, I dont care if he believes me or not, I know I am telling the truth. I have fears too, sleepless nights, childcare, long term, labour!! how the other kids will cope, etc. But I tried to say why does it have to put a strain on our marriage, why can't this be a good thing -something that proves we are back together and very much in love. I dont mean this as in a "trophy baby" so to speak, just that it doesnt have to be bad. Why cant it be something that we all, as a family look forward to and strengthen our bond as a family. We didnt really discuss it last night as I was at night class when DH got home from work. I did want to though as I was upset about the call to FPA and we hadnt really discussed that. We went to bed when I got in and I promptly fell asleep I'm shattered already!

'We had a chat about it on Sunday evening, both quite calm and I managed not to cry. He explained his fears: that I planned this, '

What is it with all these wanky men blaming women for getting pregnant when they had sex with them and left all the birth control to them?

Sorry, but how wanky can you get?

Don't want kids, guys? Use a condom every time, get the snip or don't have sex!

You probably need the sleep HW! Am glad you managed to talk about some of it anyway without it turning into an argument. Maybe now the shock has worn off slightly for dh he has started thinking about things. Do tell him about the call to FPA - it will help him understand why you are so upset.
But please - get to an EPU if you can

Just a quick reply whilst I wait for my mindee to arrive.....

Please don't feel bad for me...I'm fine, HONESTLY, I just wanted to show you how a termination you DON'T want can really screw things up. I wanted to make sure you don't go ahead with something you don't want!!

Also I agree with what expatinscotland just said!!! Oh.....and please go to EPU as you want to make sure YOU are ok at least!!

If he doesn't want to own up to his responsibilities and the decisions he chose then he's not worth having.

Harsh. Everyone will jump on me as usual.

But fucking hell, honestly? You lay, you pay, as the saying goes.

Totally agree!

Spot on, expat. It's a man you married, right, not a boy? Time he acted like one.

I'm not going to jump on you expat - I just appreciate the honesty.

Hi hogwarts, first of all - how are YOU feeling? How is that pain? Have you made an appointment to see your doctor?

My story is slightly more mild (and with an ending you probably won't want - for a different reason)...

We lost a DD at 35 weeks pg... We were blessed with a wonderful DS who's nearly 19 months now... Decided that our family was complete and we shouldn't press our luck again.

Few weeks back we found out I was pg again. I cried my eyes out. If you saw me - you'd think I was some unmarried teenager rather than a mature happily married woman, who's 30 years old. I was sure that my husband would feel the same way - after all WE made a decision that our DS was all we needed... Guess what - my DH totally surprised me. He smiled ear to ear and told me HOW excited he was and how it was the greatest thing ever.

My point is - you just never know how things will turn out. DC are God's gifts and he will always take care of them.

PS the unfortunate thing is that I am mc'ing right now... BUT we're thinking of TTC again... after we heal.

GOOD LUCK!

Katendmom -so sorry to hear about the loss of DD and that you are again mc-ing. My thoughts are with you.

Asides feeling v tired I am ok physically. Emotionally I am a bit stronger but my head is all over the place. All week I have been thinking that I really do want to keep this baby. Today I keep thinking about all the negatives and find myself swaying the other way. I just wish I didnt have to make this decision. I'm starting to feel like this: I don't know that I want to have the baby but I don't want to have a termination either. Really confused, sorry. Just read this and its insensitive to Katendmom, so my apologies, I dont mean to cause offence of upset anyone, I just don't have any one else to talk to "aloud" about this. I havent seen my DR yet, not ready to admit I'm pregnant yet. As you say, its like being a teenager, not someone who will be 31 next month.

Girl, you're not offending anyone! You have every right to feel the way you do. We all deal with our emotions differently - that's what makes us unique. What kind of friends we would be if we were to judge you and to expect you to behave and feel like we do?!

I am different in a way that I am dealing with my mc. I really just want this whole thing over, move on and hopefully TTC again (even though I think my DH is a bit worried about that, since he doesn't want to put me through pain again, again if something bad happens. Well, we'll deal with it later). Some women really feel differently, grieve, etc?

I suggest that you find the courage to make a doctor's appointment. For a number of reasons - your well-being being the primary one. S/he needs to evaluate you and let you know what stage you're in, etc - I am still worried about some of those pains you had. After that appointment, you will know better what your situation really is. (I don't want to upset you or have this come the wrong way like I am wishing you that - GOD NO - but I went in thinking all along I will come home with a picture of our future-baby just to find out it wasn't happening for us).

I AM NOT SAYING IT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU. I am saying that you need to know what's going on and then you can think about your next steps.

Just try to take it one step at a time. I really-really think your doc's visit should be your next step.

Good luck, sweetie!

I would just like to say that I wish you well in your descion and what ever way you go it must be your descion as it is your body. But, please please go to the doctor because your pain i sworrying me. Good luck Hogwarts LJMJo

I know that I am acting like a big child but I just dont want to go to the doctor yet. I don't know that I am ready to admit and TBH am worried I will bump into someone I know at the surgery. DH hasnt discussed it with me for 2 days now, acting like business as normal which is upsetting me - is he in denial too or just hoping it will go away?

The pain in my side has subsided, havent felt it for a day or two now. Hopefully thats a good sign.

I dont feel pregnant though, just really really tired. I can't remember, should I be feeling any different. If it wasnt for the lack of AF I wouldn't know I was pregnant. I was sick in both previous pregnancies, and felt sick constantly, is it too early for this?

I think that feeling tired is a good darn sign that you're pg. I was so tired when pg, especially early on, that I could fall asleep standing. As far as morning sickness goes - it differs. I really wasn't that sick my second time around... Also if you're only about 4-5 weeks, it might be a bit early. I know my morning sicknesses usually start around 6-7 weeks.

Good luck to you but try to think objectively. Your DH is intended to be your best friend and should be there for you ALWAYS. Having a baby is really a couple's decision so you do need to continue working through it together. However, and please forgive me for saying it, but what if he does not approve something else that you do in the future? Let's say it is not child-related? What will happen then? Will he always expect you to do as he wants or he might leave you? Just a thought - you have your whole life ahead of you - think about this situation and his reaction/ actions in a bigger scheme of things.

Good luck